SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t have much to add except to say I am worried for you and encourage you to get legal representation ASAP. Your wife is not your friend. It’s awful that she’s betrayed you for a decade and is now threatening your job as well.

Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you here.

^^^^^^ yes. Most here are concerned for your future and wellbeing.

No one wants to see someone screwed over like this.

Don't take the "at will" job recommended by the AP (or anything coming from him), he and your WW are the ENEMY now, you need to protect yourself financially, DO NOT MAKE any moves UNTIL you talk to an Employment Law attorney, you DON'T have to make any moves just because AP feels YOU are going to create a hostile environment for them, really ! that coming from the guy that's been screwing your WW for a decade ?.

I strongly suggest you D your WW and don't look back, a 10 year LTA is extremely hard to overcome, however I still see you're grasping at the 0.01% chance she wil end the A and try to R, well let me tell you that the one thing that could have an impact in your WW ending things with him (or him with her) is FULL EXPOSURE with HR, OBS and all family and close friends, throw a wrench in their plans, AP will most likely be fired/forced to resign, your WW could be fired as well but there's a chance she could keep the job and/or transferred to another department.

Even if the A was consensual the law typically views it differently as AP is her/your superior. The company attorneys will try to minimize the impact and offer you a substantial settlement, they will most likely force the company to fire AP. Protect yourself NOW, I bet there are employment attorneys that would jump at the opportunity to represent you without any upfront fees, just like accident attorneys, when they clearly see who's liable they represent the victim without upfront fees and collect once the case is settled.

Forget about the Zoom recording being illegal, you have your own children as witness to her confession, plus you can easily get undeniable proof by sending texts to them regarding what you have talked about.

I truly hope you are listening very closely to what you are being offered here in the way of advice.

Its clear you have no marriage and its very clear they are working to make sure you stay out of their way and their relatonship.

It is heartening to see you've started to come around and see the reality of what's happening. Honestly I've heard of so many different types of situations with waywards but I've never seen one such as this.

I hope for the best possible outcome for you here, no matter what it is. And to do that you need a lawyer that can tell you your options and some friends along the way to help you decide how to exercise those options.

Just saying, I know this sucks. Your WW and the OM have had years to prepare for this day. You have taken a gut-punch, had your whole reality turned upside down, you’ve seen your family likely destroyed and you’re having to learn everything on the fly. To top it off now you’ve got to deal with this job situation since it’s an emergency. No one is going to be perfect at this.

Lawyers can help you with your options. Your support network can help you through the rough times. Your therapist can help you with your mental struggles. (We’ve all had them.)

Your first priority should be employment and that’s why you need the employment lawyer to be able to explain your options and give you competent legal advice.

Your second priority should be a family law attorney consult. You said your wife has been in charge of the finances for years. In a divorce you need to protect yourself and your retirement. (This is almost the first priority... they’re both so important.)

After those two things happen and you get the advice you need... then it’s time to deal with the rest of this and unpack it all in therapy. In time, all of that “I was an abusive husband” garbage will start to fade and you’ll realize that most of it has probably been put in your head through your WW after the OM convinced her of it. You’ll get there, but not today. That’s a longer time off.

Right now, I’m proud of you for calling the lawyers. Keep that up until you have talked with one enough to feel comfortable with your options. Choose whatever you like after knowing your options but at least know them and pitfall areas to avoid. Do not give up on talking to a lawyer about this for anything, no matter what your WW says. Don’t tell her you’re doing it, but don’t give up on it ever. Please.

Take it a day at a time. Be cautious. Be kind but firm. Above all be careful.

At the end of this you’re going to wish you’d been hit by a bus instead. But, by the end of this, you’ll know you’re strong enough to take the hit.

Talk to the lawyers. That’s step one.

You seem to think you deserve this. What has the OBS done to deserve this. Exposure is the greatest tool you can and should use.

See an employment attorney and a family law attorney. Do this to not only protect yourself but more importantly your kids.

Brother, forget WW and her reputation. Expose her to AP, the concern of what if’s are myths. Can’t make long term decisions of what if or could this happen?

APW has the right to know.

You take the new position at the Not for profit.

Prof leaves his wife For your WW. His STBX exposes them to HR. Both are terminated. You can still loose your job through a Prof influence.

When you separate will WW have to pay you child support as well as spousal support?

Buffer

I am one that thinks exposure to the wife of the AP is essential. You have a unique and possibly legal quagmire that you first must address. As has been strongly recommended, in your case, a lawyer has to be first order of business and exposure to the other BS after you have your ducks in a row.

duplicate deleted

[This message edited by DIFM at 3:42 AM, May 6th, 2020 (Wednesday)]

DIFM,

Very few of us would disagree. This is the rare instance where getting your own ass covered, legally, is of higher importance to telling the OBS. IDH is in a rare, unique position. He must take care of his own problems FIRST. Then, after securing legal assistance; both civil & divorce, can he think about the other person who's world is going to be destroyed by this. No one here is urging him to NOT contact OBS, they are urging him to take care of himself first. HE has far more to lose right now.

Just my $0.02.

Wagthedog has given you the best possible advice, which is to get your ducks in a row regarding understanding the landscape of your employment issue and what vulnerabilities you might be facing depending on your chosen course of action.

The second part is of course dealing with a family law attorney and understanding your position and any applicable vulnerabilities in THAT situation.

A good way to find a good attorney is to look at your city/metropolitan magazine. They often run "best of" issues where they give names/firms that they consider the best in their fields. Employment law and family law will definitely be two sections they would cover. I would start here and see what individuals/firms are best known for their prowess in these areas.

I agree with the advice not to do anything, including changing jobs or informing the other BS until you have understood your situation and possibly have taken action to address it.

Right now, you need to look out for you. And let me tell you, I'm splitting a gut over you staying in your current position as "creating a hostile work environment for your WW." Seriously? What planet are these people on? You might have a very strong case against the institution and your boss. Play your cards very close to the vest and make only those moves in YOUR BEST INTEREST.

Cat

In my view, the children are the ones being destroyed here. If they are aware of what their mom is doing, they are an audience to watching their mother destroy their dad. I have seen what my WW's infidelity has done to my daughters, and I was one of those BHs who took swift and fairly decisive action. My daughters are devastated by what their mom has done. My older daughter has told me several times that her view of marriage and family will never be the same. She doesn't trust her mom anymore, and that breaks my heart. My younger daughter is at that age where her mom's behaviors are threatening to define her own view of what it is to be a woman. I cannot imagine what must be happening with OP's kids.

Men who betray their wives and families are dirtbags, no question. But women who do these things to their children and families are, in my opinion, extra heinous and depraved, because for a woman to harm her children seems to me to go against all those protective, maternal instincts that we hear so much about. My WW included.

I think every day you continue to delay and not report the AP and your WW is a mistake. You are open to the idea of leaving your job when it is THEY who should be leaving. Stop being so subservient to others, stop doing what they want you to do. Do what is best for yourself and protect your interests.

Sorry to hear about your situation lbh50. It looks like your WW is gone so I see no need to entertain any thoughts of R at this point.

After reading your posts, your WW has placed you in a precarious situation. The AP now wants you out and is trying to place you where you can be fired at will. That's not good.

Your situation is sticky, but you can still come out of this relatively unscathed. The key to success relies heavily on educating yourself on your options. Consult with lawyers, HR, and anyone else necessary to educate yourself on the law and your rights. If you go to HR at the AP's work and explain what's going on, will they move you to another department where he can't have you fired? I would think that there should be policies in place because you could sue if there was any sign of impropriety due to the AP's relationship with your WW.

Remember that you and your future success are the prize here. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

It looks like your WW is gone so I see no need to entertain any thoughts of R at this point.

She has been gone for ten years, she has a whole separate life from her home life. That took thousands and thousands of decisions to devote her time to the affair and not the family.

It is now You and Your kids vs WW and the Professor. ANYTHING they recommend will to their advantage.

Blaming you for the hostile work environment. I'd love to see that explained to HR "Dear HR, Having the husband of my mistress working in the same office make her uncomfy"

But if he is important enough he will get away with it.

Talk to an employment lawyer ASAP

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:12 PM, May 7th (Thursday)]

Something else to do is to document and gather documents on any trips those 2 took together. Professionally or personally. This could be considered embezzlement if work funds were spent on those trips. Having those documents before they disappear might be a good idea.

Just a little prep material to gather.

I am in the process of enacting the valuable and focused advice I got here lately and for obvious reasons that some of you already suggested, I would have to go silent temporarily during this phase.

I'll post back with updates after that phase is over. Thank you again for the great support and strong advice I received.

[This message edited by lbh50 at 5:14 PM, May 9th (Saturday)]

Glad to hear from you.

If the mods can't make the change, just let this thread die and start a new one at some point.

Please post when you can and ask questions when you need to. Good luck!

let me tell you that the one thing that could have an impact in your WW ending things with him (or him with her) is FULL EXPOSURE with HR, OBS and all family and close friends, throw a wrench in their plans, AP will most likely be fired/forced to resign, your WW could be fired as well but there's a chance she could keep the job and/or transferred to another department.

I think this is very good information. I would add I would file a high dollar lawsuit against the company for creating an environment when someone (who is a male) is having sex with a coworker under them (no pun intended), it's grounds for a lawsuit due to possible coercion. Send a message that you aren't tolerating this.

Do what you need to do, lbh50. Our thoughts are with you, and we will do whatever we can for you.

Sending you strength from your support team here, brother.