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ASCL

Yes, I know I should be working, but I just keep reading and rereading this post of yours.

It is like reading the best story I ever have. The best bit for me personally, as a BH is;

I hated to leave them tonight. But I kept my composure. And now, although it is late, I am having difficulty sleeping. I wish I was with him, with them. I keep picturing his arms around me; his smile; feeling his kisses. Wishing he was touching me. For a long time we were intimate once or twice a week, kind of like maintenance sex I guess. Now we are together multiple times (various sex acts) in one night...I can’t believe we lost so much time when it could have always been like this. I don’t know what internal passion “switch” flipped inside of us but whatever it is, it’s blazing brightly. I want him so badly...all the time. Like right now even. I feel like a silly teenage girl, tempted to text him and tell him that I’m literally tossing and turning in my bed missing him. But I don’t want him to think it’s all about the sex. I don’t want him to feel like I’m just in physical withdrawal from him when I have to leave. I do very much enjoy our renewed sense of lovemaking and that I no longer feel shackled or stifled in bed with my husband. But it’s so much more than just sex. I just want to be near him. I just want to stare at him while he sleeps and watch his chest rise and fall as he breathes and I want to gently twirl my fingers in his straight, dark hair and tuck my feet underneath him to feel his body warmth...I just wish I could have what I so stupidly took for granted. The simple pleasures of being next to my husband, the father of my child, in my own home.

Is there any way that you could perhaps compose that into something that you could get to him, a message, a voice note on his phone, a hand written letter?

I would like to hear from some of the other wise folk that have given you wise council and get their view, but for me, I would have loved to get something like that from my XWW. Something that showed so clearly that I was the number 1 in every aspect of her life.

And to your questions. No! Absolutely no. You have not done any rug sweeping. You faced the full ugliness of the A full on. The depression, the hospitalization. Your husband's letter while under treatment. There has been no rug sweeping here.

Not rug sweeping, just healing in my view. Will love to hear what those more experienced and wiser than me think.

Hi ASCL,

I’m not sure I’m qualified to give you advice, but I can tell you what I did and what worked for me and my BH. I would not tell him all those things you are feeling about staying for the weekend. Your BH is conflicted. You’re still separated but he clearly loves you and is working through his feelings. Those sentiments you wrote are all about you and not him. Maybe your husband is different, but my BH didn’t want smothering. And that’s how I think it would come across. A simple thank you acknowledging how special it was and that it meant so much tells him what he needs to know but also gives him the space to work through it without pressuring him to do it again if he doesn’t want to.

And in general I think that thanking him regularly is very helpful for him and for you. You know what a gift it is that he’s even having get togethers with you. We can tell from how you write about it. Let him know you know. Just a thank you and acknowledgment that it’s hard for him to meet and work through this but you’re committed to him and are willing to go at whatever pace he wants if he wants. It lets him know you recognize the steps he’s making and appreciate him and them without pressure.

I’m really so happy things seem to be going so well for you lately.

I am relieved to share that my husband wasn’t upset about the items from the AP that I threw away. I was honest and explained to him that I had been advised here not to keep secrets, even unintentional secrets, from him.

ASoCalledLife,

I'm so happy for you that you were able to share your decision to throw out those things that reminded you of AP, and that your BS was able to hear about it and understand. This must feel really good to you not to be keeping that a secret. I'm so happy for you that you were able to do that.

It's great that things are going well for you right now. I hope that you and your husband will continue to heal.

I think it would be wonderful for you to continue your education. I went back to school when I was in my 40's and became an educator. It gave me so much self-confidence to take that on. As far as knowing what to do in life, there are good councilors at colleges that can give you an interest test to help you decide. Also, I was torn between the medical field and education before I went back to school, so I volunteered in a hospital and at a school to help me decide. It didn't take me long to decide medicine was not for me.

I meant to add that I agree completely with what Mrs. Walloped said.

I've been so engrossed by my own needs and issues lately that I haven't had the wherewithal to respond to this the way I've wanted to for so long. Nonetheless, I will try to answer some of your questions and throw my two cents out there for you and your husband to consider.

Rugsweeping is more of a mindset and coping mechanism (or lack thereof), than it is a timetable or particular set of actions and reactions, IMO. I think that simply facing those things head on instead of avoiding them altogether is much more what matters rather than trying to regulate how fast or how fully you address all of those issues that are on the table at this point.

Even in war there are periods of rest and relaxation and relief planned and expected for the people who are doing the fighting and serving. How much more needful is such when your own heart and family are threatened by enemies both without (external) and within (internal). VERY MUCH, I should say.

If you haven't read up on what they call " HB" here in SI, it stands for "hysterical bonding" (sex-fest/binge-ing), and it's a very normal and even very healthy and helpful side benefit (and side effect) of trying to deal with the trauma and perhaps reclaim some of what is lost or threatened by the ravages of adultery. Without going into all the aspects and nitty-gritty of it here, I can say that my wife and I have had over two solid YEARS of HB going on now ever since we stopped rugsweeping in October of 2015. Although it seems like most folks find it tapering off after a few weeks or maybe six months for an average time range from what I've read on here.

Regarding the controlling issue, I think the people pleaser thing is actually very often simply another form of trying to control things. Incidentally, I'm not saying that trying to control things is necessarily bad, btw. I think it's like a lot of other things...there's a healthy and honest way to do it and then again, there's a very unhealthy version that is not conducive to everyone's best interests.

For example, I'm trying to " manipulate" you and your situation as we speak. I'm spending time typing my thoughts out on my cell phone and fashioning my assertions into what I hope are convincing points and arguments for you and your husband (and maybe even some others) to consider and put to use in your world, hoping that by so doing, you and your family may live and love more "happily ever after". That is my goal and I'm not ashamed to be in pursuance of such. But if I thought that insulting you and bashing you for what you did that got y'all in this situation was a constructive way to help you at this point, then I think that would be a very unhealthy way to try to arrive at that goal.

Additionally, if I pretended to be a woman on here to garner your trust so you'd be more likely to listen to me than you might to another MALE like you did to your AP " friend"...that too would be improper and dishonest manipulation of you and your trust and others' trust in the person that "Cephastion" represents, even if my intentions were supposedly noble in my own way of reckoning, because "the ends do NOT typically justify the means" as Machiavelli asserted they do...but I digress a bit there.

I think the middle road or healthy balance of the "control" thing lies in honestly looking at the bigger picture of who's really being helped or hurt by the control being exercised along with an honest look at what your boundaries and jurisdiction should be for all parties concerned.

For example, earlier around Christmas time, you were put out of the home and left guessing as to your fate and your rights as a mother (with respect to seeing your son) as well as a wife. Your husband asserted his place as head of the family and of HIMSELF in a way, and put you into exile or separation for a while. The fact that you respected his pain and his reaction to facing the thing in his own way like that showed a great deal of humility and " getting it" on your part as a wayward. But those "lines" are changing again as we speak. They're being redefined. You are being gradually reinstated as his wife and as the mother of y'all's precious son.

In any successful family or company or organization, there has to be common goals and values and trust and understood do's and don't's of how to accomplish those goals. If the company or family head comes under attack from WITHIN the family, this MUST be stopped and the order of things reestablished, ASAP. After THAT, a kind of reorganization or reassessment of how and who does what is quite likely to occur. In that time and process, EVERYTHING is more important or meaningful to the traumatized victim. That can be true for both good gestures on your part and bad ones as well. Mistakes are not so important. But actual selfishness and CONSCIOUS deviation from the family's best interests ARE vitally important by contrast. This is why you can be such an exponential help and such an exponential hurt to him (and yourself) during this time.

He needs the person that you are right now. He needs respect, love, help, and healing. But you also are the one that stabbed him and the family in the heart and head (along with the AP and your ex-employer...not your fault about the ex boss's attempted rape, but...). So it remains to be seen how quickly and completely the trust will return not only with regards to you, but with regards to humanity (or MEN, anyhow) in general.

So even though it was right, IMO, for you to take a serious backseat and leave your house like he wanted you to, it was also right to fight for your marriage and your right as a mother to see and love your son, albeit doing so from the backseat (your brothers house and in humility) rather than the driver's seat when you did.

Control is a precarious thing. But if you and your husband discuss this stuff honestly and head-on, I think y'all can LOVE your way right thru all of those questions and issues together. Like others said, this is a marathon and a process...it's like growing up, or like your marriage is being brought back from the dead. I expect that HB is a kind of celebration of that " resurrection" or saving from the brink of extinction, but it's also very traumatic having a "death" or near death experience of the family and marriage and ones'self-respect and trust and dignity.

It takes time. And love. And patience. And understanding.

P.S. Did you look into or share with your husband some of the material from my "WKRP radio" thread link I sent ya? I wonder how others might find those songs and " journaling" helpful to their own processing of this stuff...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 12:47 PM, February 7th (Wednesday)]

I’m in the lobby waiting for my son while he attends his Saturday PT. I only have a moment. But I need to get this out. I texted my brother but he didn’t respond; I don’t know if he’s sleeping in. I don’t know who else to turn to.

My husband called me just a few minutes ago. I spent the night with him and my son, and shortly after my son and I left for my son’s therapy, my husband decided to make an impromptu visit to my mother’s home to greet her and check on her.

When he arrived, he saw the AP’s car in my mother’s driveway.

He said he reversed the car and left immediately to return home. On the way back he called me.

WTH is this? WHY is the AP at my mother’s house on a Saturday morning? Why did my husband have to see that?

Things were going so well, and now this. I can’t even imagine how triggered my husband must be right now. His voice sounded so...flat and emotionless. Why is the AP reaching out to my family members after all of this time? WHY won’t he disappear from our lives? Just go away and never be seen or heard from again?

I need to compose myself. But I feel sick...we had a beautiful night together last night too. We went to a pottery place as a family and made some (lopsided) pottery pieces. Then we came home, had dinner, played a board game with our son until it was his bedtime, and went into the bedroom to make love. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?!?!?!? I can’t deal with this.

please help your H with this.

talk to your mother and find out why he was there.

Does she know about the A and your H's pain?

So sorry.

So sorry to hear this. I have read your threads, and witnessed how far you and your H have come. It is a truly inspiring story.

In my opinion, this incident fully confirms the devious and destructive nature of the AP. Does your mother know of the A? If she does not, then I see no other course but to tell her. She must be made aware of the stakes of remaining in contact with the AP. If she is ignorant of your situation, she likely still regards him as just an old friend of the family. In any case, the AP is using his relationship with your mother to his advantage. He may feel he has unfinished business to settle. He is a snake.

That said, I believe you and your H will get past this. Your husband must know that this is an attempt by the the AP to insinuate himself back into your life... and you will have none of it.

Best of luck. Stay strong.

Discuss a restraining order with your husband to keep this person no contact with you or any of your family.

It is more than a little creepy that AP would be visiting your mother.

My brother called our mother to ask why the AP was visiting her. (I was too distraught to call.) She stated that he visits her like once every other month or so; this wasn’t the first time! But she stated that the purpose of this particular visit was to drop off something he had purchased for “his godson” (my son) as well as to say hello.

My brother asked her if she didn’t think it was strange that the AP had been contacting her rather than directly contacting me, my husband, or him. She answered, “Well, I know that ever since your sister started having marital issues they have shut everyone out. That’s not a healthy way to handle problems. Plus, that poor boy (the AP) doesn’t deserve to be ostracized.”

(“Poor boy?” He’s 32 for goodness sake!!!)

That was the end of their conversation. My mother doesn’t know about the A. She does know that my husband and I are no longer in communication with the AP and that he is not to see or communicate with our son either. I never overtly stated that I didn’t want her to communicate with him either, but thought she would willingly avoid contact out of respect for our wishes. Apparently not.

My husband has not returned to the house nor is he answering my calls or texts. He’s not answering my brother’s calls either. I giess he is somewhere trying to sort out his thoughts. I’m just here waiting for him.

I texted him that I was sorry he had to see that. And that I was proud of him for not going inside and getting violent or making a scene (I’m certain he was tempted to do so). I also texted that I didn’t know anything about this but I would fix it and make sure it never happened again.

I can’t believe I am going to have to tell my mother what I did. I am horrified at the thought. But she needs to understand why he cannot be around. I can’t believe he’s been in contact with her all this time and she never mentioned a word. And what was he gaining by reaching out to her? Fishing for info about me? Hoping he might run into me at her place? I just don’t know.

I had high hopes for this weekend, but I’m pretty sure it’s ruined. I keep replaying the phone call over and over. How disengaged my husband sounded...so distant and devoid of emotion. It was awful...I just feel like crying.

help your H out.

tell your mother today or have your brother tell her.

Stop protecting the OM and start protecting your H and your marriage.

if you can't tell her, please have your brother tell her.

then you can leave a message with your H that she knows. Do not delay.

hope you act quick before your H does something drastic. hope he will answer your calls.

I agree you're going to have to tell your mother - and be pretty clear that being in any contact with him simply isn't acceptable any more. To be honest, she shouldn't be in contact with him anyway if she knows you and your OH have cut ties with him.

It is a strange way for your AP to behave at any rate. If he was being afforded the privilege of not being outed to people, he should be behaving and playing along with the 'rules'. What he's doing is pretty much forcing you to tell people what went on. Very odd.

Tell your mother the truth and cut AP out.

Don't try and protect your reputation with your mom at your H's expense.

You need to fix this.

You've said om is a long time family friend. So I don't think it's unusual for your mother,who knows nothing of the affair, to allow him to visit.

However, he certainly knows. What he's doing is so disrespectful of your husband,and of yourself. You can bet he's talking to her about you,and trying to get information. He's using your son as an excuse.

Tell her the truth. Ask her to cut all contact with him, and make sure the understands if she refuses, that you will have no choice but to cut contact with her. That this man was an accomplice in destroying your marriage. And he can not be any where near your family again.

And, he can no longer be your son's godfather. He didn't give two shits about your son, his family, his happiness,or his security when he took his pants off.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:01 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

I think your husband REALLY needs a marriage-friendly man that is SOMEONE he can turn to right now, be it in person or even just anonymously online.

Someone he can say EVERYTHING he feels or thinks or needs to process to and with WITHOUT being accused or outed for whatever the content might be.

Adultery is crazy-making stuff and SI was actually invented by the founder and her husband LARGELY just to address the issue of betrayed mens' need to deal with this stuff without facing any further repercussions or having to face further shame that often comes in revealing their identity and that their WIFE did the dirty deed of shaming them but they STILL want to stay married to her.

It's complicated being the guy in this situation...ESPECIALLY given the culture and family ties HE comes from! Oh my...

He needs to go to the gym. He needs to process this with other men and maybe...just maybe even on HIS terms (not yours) get his family involved in some way for his own mental and emotional health's sake. I can't speak for him or what the pros and cons of THAT kind of thing considering the nature of your particular context family and culture-wise, but...I DO think he needs SOMEONE he can trust and sound off and relate somewhat to...to help him share and address this overwhelming burden and shame.

I think that you should discuss with him who and how he should trust to share this burden with. Your brother is a great guy from all seeming appearances, but he's not your husband's native family and consequently isn't likely to be able to entirely identify with all of his shitstorm of heart and soul and mind.

Also, I think that AP/godfather could stand to meet another godfather or two to help him understand where he stands in all of this. This is no game for someone in your husband's shoes.

There has to be a way for your husband to regain his self respect in all of this and that POS is just rubbing and taunting your husband like the chickens and peacocks do with our very lethal dogs...if the stupid fool bird doesn't learn to respect the dog's obvious superiority of strength and "position" on our farm here...well...they learn one way or the other I'm afraid. And we've never lost a dog to a bird YET. Never WILL either.

Our dogs are quite literally our breadwinners right now while I'm looking for work. And those chickens and peacocks...I look the other way if they take those risks over and over until the dog in question snaps his line and teaches them a little about pecking order and respect. I don't pity the FOOL one BIT, but the breadwinner here and the rest of ya'll...I am VERY concerned about the potential repercussions, quite frankly.

Maybe simply tazing or pepper spraying that SOB would do the trick. Get his freaking attention for his own sorry sake and the sake of what's left of your family.

I almost want to do it to him MYSELF. There's a LOT that could be done to get the message across to that fool, but I do think your husband should be the one to send the message, even if he just "outsources" it. I personally wouldn't mind a few days in jail if it meant getting my dignity or power back, but he didn't hear that one from ME, I hope.

I'm a goody-two-shoe Christian here. But even Yeshua carried a homemade whip of His own design and making into His Father's house to do some serious spring cleaning and instant messaging to the flesh-market trespassers in His day and that was when He was just being "nice" as a servant, non-judgmental/condemning, non-lethal Son of man. No swords or spears or curses involved or invoked. But He certainly had the power to do so. Just remember that fig tree.

No one died in the lesson or cleansing, but the message got across, and I'll bet a few bloody stripes and "lines" were laid down as well as a few lost coins and spilled milk and lost rent for the market stands that were there before he showed up and "turned the tables" on everyone as to what was allowable and what was NOT. Let's not even TALK about how adultery and illegal merchandise peddling in the Temple are and are NOT equivalent, for now.

And aren't we to be just like Jesus, after all? WWJD, right?

Those particular proud "peacocks" learned a thing or two about what was going too far--even with "gentle Jesus, meek and mild".

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:21 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

Maybe for your next project instead of lopsided pottery, ya'll could work on "his and her" homemade WHIPS to carry around.

Maybe get one for your mom to sport, too.

I've done a bit of leatherwork myself, and you can dye it pink or blood-red if you like. I'm no good at braiding, though. Maybe you are.

I kind of like THIS one personally, it reminds me of the snake that your ex-AP seems to be:

I'm mighty handy with a bullwhip, though, or at least I WAS as a youngster. Sends a real message. So do hornets. In a car. Oh, wait! God used THOSE TOO, in the old testament battles!

I think Yeshua's was more like a cat-o'-nine-tails. Real short and sweet. That's my guess anyhow. Maybe there's a YouTube or Pinterest video on fashioning them together as a FAMILY!

Tasers are cool, too. Non-lethal messaging system. "Electronic mail" of a sort. I better stop now because I know too much and I have a VERY active imagination. Tell me how arts and crafts goes next weekend. I'm all ears.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 5:41 PM, February 10th (Saturday)]

Today - I look for your your post and see the update.

Sadly - I read what went down.

this is floored me:

I can’t believe I am going to have to tell my mother what I did. I am horrified at the thought.

to me this appears to be thinking of "me first"

you need to start putting your husband first

you need to "out" the AP to anyone who could end up, like your mother, causing more damage to your husband

He’s in jail.

Assault and battery. He went to the AP’s house...he was drinking and upset.

He never called me. He called his brother from jail apparently.

I don’t know what to do. My brother-in-law said they will handle it. That he just wanted me to know. He was very short with me. I think he knows. I’m sure he knows.

My son and I are going to my brother’s house. I don’t want to be alone right now...and my son keeps asking where his father is and when his father is coming home because they were supposed to go to the movies. My brother will be a distraction.

He has never been in trouble with the law before. He’s a good guy. Please don’t judge him. He’s not a violent guy. He’s a law-abiding citizen. But everyone has a limit.

I don’t know anything about jail and I didn’t feel comfortable asking my brother-in-law too many questions because it was clear he didn’t want to be on the phone with me long. I had so many questions. How long could he be in there? Is it possible he might be able to leave tonight, or tomorrow? Is a lawyer going to be needed? Will this go on his record, and who will be able to see it (like future employers doing background checks)? Will he be able to talk to a therapist while in there?

He didn’t call me...he doesn’t want to talk to me...

I just...can’t believe this is my life.

Can’t believe what is happening to us.

Don’t know if we can even rebound from this.

Maybe I should have just let him divorce me so he could heal and be free of me.

If I never slept with the AP he would have never had a reason to go over there to fight him and he wouldn’t be in jail.

What if he doesn’t get out right away? What am I supposed to tell his employer - who he is related to? (Or do they already know?)

Now that his family knows there’s no way he will want to work things out with us.

I never wanted him to feel such hurt again. I know this is all my fault.