SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

(I've not been able to post because I'm too emotional MYSELF...)

May I suggest that you prepare something simple but re-connective...something you two ate early in your courtship/dating or early in your marriage.

That, or else a family-specific dish that y'all enjoyed good memories of having together.

But nothing too over the top/distracting from the simplicity of simply being together and enjoying each other as a couple or a family together.

I agree with the others and you about not pressuring or pushing.

But fix something that Mrs. Life would fix. "Comfort food" in your husband's terms, which might be life what he grew up with or particularly enjoyed with you BEFORE the adultery and even before the problems the precipitated it.

Felt compelled to add my bit here...

There is a misconception in modern society that a man is measured by his sexual potential. Whereas the truth is, that the measure of a man is in how he protects his family regardless of how little he makes... How he takes care of them... how he loves his wife and treasures her, willing to give his life for her,... and likewise ( I think the Bible puts it best) Proverbs 10-31 A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. She's like a trading ship that sails to ...)

From reading your posts.. i felt an initial lack of compassion for husband... but I think many would agree that you sound utterly remorseful. Having had a friend who was in a very similar situation, his wife also tried to mend their relationship.. however she could not convince him that he was her 1st choice sexually that is... it cut him deep. He was never the same and I watched him, a proud father and husband, painfully going into depression and eventual breakdown. He was just not convinced that he could ever satisfy her with his much smaller penis. What was once a happy home felt like a cloud of darkness each time i visited. Unfortunately the kids were at the centre of it all.

what I mean to say is, if you truly want this to work, you need to not only convince him that he is, and can be the better lover, but you "also" need to believe this (a man can sense about being lied to when it comes to this) Communication is utterly important.

What I also did notice from the way you described it...that you have not realized the subtle deviousness of your AP. YOu have to see him for what he is. He is no match to your husband. He may possess some physical traits, but as a man of honor he truly is a POS. (after all he continued to peruse you afterwards.. yet he knew you had a son, a husband whom he knew dearly as well,) He is no dear friend, but a wolf in sheep's clothing. the enemy always cloths himself as an angel of light. he saw your weakness and pounced. YES he knew perfectly well what he was doing. Like another here described.. us men can sense vulnerability. He pounced on your weakness. He secretly held a torch for you and made the moment count... I cannot in good conscience even compare the him to your husband. Boy does your husband love you! I'd have been out the door in a second.. and so even I am not man enough to deal with what he has had to thus far.

Another point to ponder... even though men and women can be friends, confiding in the opposite sex sometimes leads to things like this. Don't make this mistake again! In fact it is your husband from the very get go that you should have been spilling your feelings to. Trust me.. even if it seemed as though he would not relate, I get the impression he would have understood you and supported you.

I concede that after reading your posts earlier on, I secretly hoped your husband would leave you, but for what words are worth, you sound like your heart is now understanding the gravity of what you did and I hope that you could wash away every memory or moment you ever spent with the POS that helped put the knife through your husbands heart and your innocent son. I will pray for you! that you can be what Proverbs describes above. Take care you are a special person in God's Eyes.

There is a misconception in modern society that a man is measured by his sexual potential.

All to many of us buy into this.

There is another slew of misconceptions in our society that says "size matters" but only considers appendages and physical attributes and not the size and " shape" (quality) of the heart and soul that drives those appendages and physical attributes...as well as the size of the heart and soul of the RECIPIENT of those "gestures".

So much of the pleasure and benefits that are to be derived from physical affection and sexuality are just as dependant upon the "responder" and their OWN "heart conditions" and mind and soul and ability to truly be intimate internally as well as going through the motions externally...

So much of the act of "love making" is based on the confidence and skill and thoughtfulness of at least one, if not both participants, that it's amazing to me how unbalanced people's prioritization is where externals are given every imaginable pharmaceutical and cosmetic consideration, but the internals are barely assessed/addressed at ALL, unless they are seemingly adversely affecting others around the affected needful person.

I think the reason that a new sexual prospect can take another new responder/prospect to a whole new level of physical ecstasies is because one or both of them have a vision and ability to accomplish such without any real known hang-ups or impediments (be they mental, emotional, or situational) or doubts/fears/ignorance/issues getting in the way of accomplishing such sexual "goals".

Maybe being "big" membered or big breasted or having stamina or believing one's self to be attractive and/or a sexual phenom assists in having that confidence and vision, be it one's view of themselves and their abilities or the other partner's perspective or BOTH. But I think the mind and the heart and soul of BOTH participants is as much or more of a factor in what's wonderful about intimacy or what's horrible about it as well.

I think that one way of putting it (at the risk of sounding potentially sacrilegious at first glance) is much like the verse/principle: man (made of the earth/world/lower substance and vision) says that 'seeing is believing'. But God (Spirit-fire/heaven/higher aspects and vision, as well as being the Designer and Creator of man) says that 'believing is seeing'.

If we have confidence and vision for a certain goal or thing, we can often bring it to fruition, even if it's never been done before.

But if we doubt and fear ourselves, our bodies, our performance/abilities or our spouse's half of that equation or their appreciation of OUR part in that equation, then we often reap the results of our "faith" or lack thereof.

Another bible borrowance there in my own mind would be the saying, "be it done to you according to your faith." And while I know the verse I'm citing there is not being said about this kind of thing in the context of its presentation in the bible, I think that the principle still holds true here, IMHO.

I guess I think this post of mine is relevant within this thread also because Mr. And Mrs. Life are likely very confounded and shocked by the unexpected pleasure and intensity and overwhelming feelings that ensued in her tasting of that forbidden fruit that so unexpectedly occurred between her and a "sexual stranger" with whom she'd had no previous physical intimacy with as contrasted against her own history with her husband who quite obviously loved and STILL loves the ever loving daylights out of her, yet had a seemingly poorer sexual history with her by contrast.

And this accounts as well I think for the new sexual records, experience, and "goals" and "vision" that the two of them now have for each other, however horrific part of the reason/cause for such new vision may be.

Mrs. Life, I'd like to make a few more offerings for your own consideration. I was just looking back at a number of your earlier posts, and I think that there's much for you to learn about the difference between your own "normal" and what's that spectrum of normal is for others out there in the real workaday world.

There were some posters who consistently asserted that you had to have known or wanted the adultery and that you must have given off certain "vibes" and so forth.

I myself have had extremely poor boundaries in the past according to the SI standard, and I was (maybe still am) considered fairly attractive as guys go, somewhat like you mentioned others typically perceive you to be in female terms. Nonetheless I have only been sexual with one gal in my entire life and that woman is my wife.

(Now me saying that might make the assertions of my previous post seem less credible, but I'm going off of my wife's word (unfortunately) as well as other notes taken from other readings and situations I've been privy to throughout my life, so I'll leave that be for now.)

What I'm getting to is this. You are an Aspie. You were hurting inside. And from what I can tell, your "wolf-in-sheep's-clothing" was not only your AP, but also a fundamental misunderstanding of "the facts of life" on your part. I've been reading up a bit on some things here and from what I understand, you and likely your AP fell victim to a thing called temptation. Now I may very well be wrong about your AP, to be sure. Your husband might have that man pegged quite well in his estimation of the man's hidden intentions and agenda. I don't know him. But there is a difference when someone as honest and as "different" as YOU enters a situation with someone. Your frankness and uniqueness creates a kind of draw...an appeal...a rather obvious vulnerability or opportunity to the outsider looking in, that you may not realize exists in their perception of you and what's behind your wiring and motives.

If you combine a seeming "intimacy" via openness and honesty and integrity along with an attractive physique...well...that's some SERIOUS bait for a shark or even a "friend" right there. This seeming intimation is often done as second nature to an Aspie (it seems), but in the world of posturing and innuendo and ques and flirtation, it reads as a very open and refreshingly different door to be more "intimate" either with facts and emotions or with more...physical reciprocation(s).

If I couple those "signals" which I think were no more intended by you as come-ons/flirts than asking for a bullet to your head might have been...is I couple those misinterpreted "signals" along with your own very REAL weakness and actual emotional intimacy/familiarity you had with your AP, along with the credibility he had with you and your husband and even your child, seeming to be this safe person you could open up to and be yourself with and share your feelings and thoughts with and goto in a crisis...well those ingredients make for a kind of TNT/nuclear reaction in most guys--even the seemingly "good" ones (although this guy is NO GOOD GUY in my book).

I have been approached by a gal or two when I was vulnerable in my own crisis's (of which I've had more than a few), and it's different for a guy in my position than it is for most I think because I was raised by women and respect them and care for their honor and such. Additionally, I am a Christian and regard my vows and integrity and walk very strongly in my own estimation.

But I'm a "weirdo" in that regard--at least by modern standards anyhow. And in saying this, I want to help you and your husband to understand one another better and what happened that day/night. You have owned your sin in this horror flick you've helped happen, I know and it's a very right and necessary and imperative thing to do. However, looking back at the thing, I think that your husband is gonna want some answers that you still do not really have yet as to your motives and why's. And I'm not so sure that your why's fit the SI wayward mould as well as one might wish for. I'm certainly NOT discounting that mould for it's value and validity or saying that it doesn't fit you in MANY respects. But I don't think that you realized back then or even NOW what a walking time-bomb you actually WERE or even maybe still are in terms of your possible "vibes" or signals that people may have thought you were giving off when you really weren't.

If you thought back then or even still think NOW that your ex-employer's behavior or sexual harrassment or anything like that is "normal" for a woman in your shoes to have to deal with...then I think that you indeed are just not realizing what kind of stink-bait/blood-in-the-water you are giving off to all the multifarious sharks and wolves and other meat-eaters around you.

I think it's a lot like that clip in Finding Nemo where the rather harmless and vulnerable looking Dory get's her nose bonked and a drop of blood trickles out into the water in front of her. She's not the LEAST BIT "available for consumption" on HER terms, but that doesn't mean that others around her don't see her that way.

Dory's Nose Bleed and Bruce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRQfPhA07m0

Men of a certain ilk aren't all motivated by the mere physique of a woman or even by their own dark past obsessions that some might be rehabilitating from. Some men are much more awakened by emotional intimacy with another woman. Some men only need to "smell their own cologne" when a damsel-in-distress presents her own "owies" up to be "doctored". It can arouse the thing in a man that is intended for a husband to feel towards his wife--make her FEEL better...fix what's ailing her...give the squeaky wheel some grease...much like a woman feels like feeding or comforting a crying baby but of course rather different at the same time, because men typically have VERY different "methods of comforting" a grown woman and expressing reciprocal intimacy with them when emotions are running high.

Additionally, women are typically responders and even though it was extremely poor judgement to be intimating verbally and emotionally to your male family friend what you SHOULD have taken to a much safer source or worked thru with your husband, it stands to reason that you in that situation were very much caught "off guard" by your own choices of being so open with him like you were doing at the time.

I reckon that once the process began, you were essentially intoxicated by the release of endorphins and burdens and stress and that it actually felt SO GOOD to have such a compound, emotional, physical, sexual, psychological and chemical, Apollo 12/Space Shuttle takeoff HIGH in sharp, stark contrast to the bound-up-and-getting worse traffic jam you'd been in for so long...I think you were kinda on LSD once the fuse got lit.

That doesn't mean you didn't ruin you and your husband's life with a conscious bite of knowingly forbidden fruit handed to you by a smooth operating serpent. But it might help you account for a possible difference between your version of the thing as opposed to the wayward handbook of how people typically get into these kinds of abominations.

And whether I'm right about any of that or NOT, I'm hoping that you and Mr. Life can somehow reconcile these things any way ya'll can with or withOUT any of my wild guesses and ideas of how these things came to pass...

If you didn't own this stuff the way you do and are right now, I don't think I'd feel nearly so comfy sharing that view with you and and Mr. Life, because your repentance from your very real sin is paramount to his healing and your moving forward as well. But as it is now--with ya'll potentially looking for more progress from this point forward (I HOPE, at least!!!), I want to help ya'll in any way that this armchair quarterback possibly CAN. And when I read your stuff back there, I had to make the Aspie adjustments to see it from YOUR point of view at that time rather than from my own (I AM a BS after all) or the rest of the regular joes and janes out there. You're simply not wired the same and as far as I'm concerned that's a very real PLUS, but obviously that can be a very serious chink in your armor as well.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 6:18 PM, January 18th (Thursday)]

YOu have to see him for what he is. He is no match to your husband. He may possess some physical traits, but as a man of honor he truly is a POS. (after all he continued to peruse you afterwards.. yet he knew you had a son, a husband whom he knew dearly as well,) He is no dear friend, but a wolf in sheep's clothing. the enemy always cloths himself as an angel of light. he saw your weakness and pounced. YES he knew perfectly well what he was doing. Like another here described.. us men can sense vulnerability. He pounced on your weakness. He secretly held a torch for you and made the moment count... I cannot in good conscience even compare the him to your husband. Boy does your husband love you! I'd have been out the door in a second.. and so even I am not man enough to deal with what he has had to thus far.

This is very important.

I cannot tell you how important this. You must believe, and you husband must know without a shadow of a doubt, that this man is, or at least was, evil.

For the longest time my wife thought highly of the OM. She would dismiss or minimize my description of her OM as a demonic homewrecker, a cruel and sadistic destroyer.

She just considered him to be lonely and clueless and poor and worthy of compassion.

Make no doubt, your OM could choose from the millions of lonely women out there, but he chose one with a husband and child. Deliberately chose to destroy a family.

My wife says, "It's all my fault, don't blame him". To that I reply, "I do blame you." But you have to resist and be faithful 100% of the time for decades from every man. He had choices all around him and he chose to wreck a family with 5 young children. I wrote a letter describing how agonizing it was for them, worrying that the family was breaking apart, and he pressed onward saying, "You can have comfort they will eventually recover". Despicable.

Only when I showed my wife he harbored a minor in his late 30's and was indicted for such, did she begin to question his morality. Only when I showed her how he hit on our daughter did she start to see.

You do need to wear 100% of the blame, and it looks like you are. But equally important, perhaps more important, is that you realize what a cruel, vile, and ruthless man your affair partner was and is. It is VERY important that your husband knows that you now despise your AP and that you value your husband's integrity, honesty, morals, and honor. Because that is one thing your husband has in spades and which your affair partner has NONE.

[This message edited by notperfect5 at 4:03 PM, January 18th (Thursday)]

Hi ASCL

You were in my thoughts all day yesterday. I so wanted to post to let you know that I was thinking of you and trying my best to send you good vibes but I didn't want to put any more pressure on you than I was sure you were already putting on yourself.

I truly hope that your little family, that is so obviously built on a foundation of love, was able to enjoy a quiet evening of just being together.

Everything went BETTER than I could have dreamed of, and he asked me to stay and spend the whole weekend with him and our son. I have been here since yesterday.

God is so, so, good.

I feel like I’m in a dream...

In the spirit of keeping fellowship and honoring the biblical command to not only weep with those that weep, but also to rejoice with those who rejoice, I offer this sentiment and song to share along with you and yours in your joy and thankfulness:

Bethel Music: You Make Me Brave (lyrics version)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCvcvO5Aa2Q

[This message edited by Cephastion at 7:38 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

I’m happy to hear that, ASCL. 👏👏👏👏

ASCL - YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so happy for you. I know that you are rejuvenated and hopeful and hope is a wonderful thing.

You are in my thoughts. Have a wonderful weekend!

😊

I feel like I’m in a dream

In Buddhism they use the word Mudita to express the feeling of finding joy in the happiness of others. I'm very happy for you.

Oh ASoCalledLife

You can never know how this update of yours has lifted my spirits just when I needed it most.

There is deep sadness in the Ohfor home this weekend. Nothing A related but related to a helicopter crash and the frustration of not being able to help a friend in Canada who is facing tough challenges.

Just by doggedly being, the wonderful person that you are, you have brought light into a spot of darkness.

Now remember my post a few posts back. Keep those troops fighting on your side well fed and supplied with ammunition, but no pressure. The victory must be his.

I don't want to be presumptuous, but am so hoping that a day comes when you can ask the mods to change your screen name to something along the lines of, "afulfilledlife"

Thank you soooooo much.

How refreshing. Yes God is Good.

Your son must be so precious to you both.

I assume ....from your reading many posts that you are aware that your husband will inevitably have many phases and triggers. Brace yourself for some roller coaster rides. I am gonna bet its worth the wait though.

One question I have... it may or may not be relevant... how much further contact are you likely to have with the selfish snake ( "dear" friend)? how likely is your husband to see him again. given your past history, i also assume he moves (or slithers in this case) in similar circles... you better believe that each time your husband sees him, it will drive a steak right through his heart.. even if in passing. He is going to gauge everything about him (everything) and have those disgusting images in his mind and take you right back to day zero... he may feel like you prefer him no matter what you say. How are you going empower your husband to win his manhood, his pride back? He needs to feel like he has won you again and truly stands tall above this OM in every way. I mentioned it in previous post... you have to start believing it yourself... words will mean little at these times so your actions will speak for you. Your Husband will always feel inferior in OM presence. my advise is neither you nor your husband accept any apology from OM, slowly but surely (make that hastily) drive him out of your lives. Poisonous serpents are small... you leave the door even slightly ajar and they find there way in. (trust me i live in Africa.. where there are many snakes... literal and figurative)

The thought of the OM looking at , let alone touch you, should induce vomit like reactions from you. let your husband know this without telling him. he should see it, feel it.

My last bit of advice... (this may offend some but I make no excuse... as an ex atheist, I have to quote or reference the Bible) You may have worked in the circles, but thus has worked for me and my wife.... Putting the Lord before everything.. even each other! I will share my story here soon as a warning to both BS and waywards.

[This message edited by VinST at 2:15 AM, January 21st (Sunday)]

I want to thank everyone for all of your support and guidance. Having people who have been in my husband’s position share their perspectives and advice has been very helpful to me, and I think without it I could have made some serious missteps in this process - like I did in the initial months.

We had a wonderful weekend together as a family. I cleaned (I enjoy cleaning; it’s therapeutic for me) while my husband was at work on Friday and while my son was at school. I also went through the entire house and removed anything that seemed to me to be a reminder of the AP. I did the obvious dumping right after D Day (pictures, gifts, obvious things etc associated with and/or purchased by the AP), but I knew there were a few remnants still in our home that I knew came from him.

My husband didn’t know those items were associated with the AP, but I did, and I didn’t want them in our home anymore. Some of them were hard to find - a few books from years ago, a couple of outfits he purchased from when my son was a baby in the NICU that were stored with other baby clothes, a few old t-shirts. I had to do a lot of digging around, but once I found everything I bagged them all and trashed them.

It felt therapeutic. I have to put my husband and son first even when they don’t know I’m doing so, and even though this was just a small thing, it felt freeing to do. Vin in ST, you are correct in that my husband is a unique and special guy and I am lucky to have him.

We didn’t do a whole lot this weekend; we just hung out. My husband and my son played video games; I took my son to his Saturday morning therapy; we streamed church service online on Sunday. I cooked. My mother in law called and greeted me. Parents are smarter than we adult children give them credit for; I think she is a lot more aware of our marital struggles than we think. She was unusually warm and friendly to me. It was a brief, but pleasant conversation.

My husband and I were up for hours talking. Cephastion, what you’ve surmised about the way my A unfolded is very similar to what my husband and his IC have pieced together. It’s amazing how much and yet how little you can understand about yourself - and how much painful life lessons can teach you in less than a year.

We spoke very candidly about so many things. It was like a huge wall had been torn down. I always felt like we could talk before, but I think somehow in the midst of being a mom and an employee some parts of me being a wife had become a bit neglected over the years. For example, we spoke candidly about how over the last several years our sex had become fairly boring to us both, but neither felt comfortable saying anything about it. Now we are rediscovering one another again, and communicating our wants and needs more freely. The openness we are starting to feel with one another in general is being reflected in all aspects of life.

Ohfor, I thought about your troops analogy. When I was returning to my brother’s tonight, I felt emotional. I wanted to stay, wanted to ask him to let me stay. But I know that he has to drive this process. I can’t rush things. This was a very emotional and eventful weekend, and it will take some processing. I’m not going to push too much. I’m going to continue to allow our growth to happen organically.

I’m so sorry to learn of the helicopter crash and how it is impacting your friend. I will be in prayer. Sudden change can be so devastating. I feel like a part of me, the best part of me, died when my father died unexpectedly. Even though you aren’t nearby I’m certain your friend appreciates your concern and support.

He wants to have a standing time each week that he and I see each other. And for us to either text or talk by phone at least once per day to check in. And he’s going to talk to his IC about some possible joint sessions.

He said tonight he no longer wants a divorce. But that he needs time. And prayer. I had to ask him to repeat the words because I wanted to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating

I know this isn’t a linear process. But things had been trending downward so long for us that I can’t help but have hope.

My brother comes back from his business trip tomorrow and I feel like I’m going to explode with joyful updates the moment he walks in the door. I have been giving him brief updates, but wait until he hears everything...

Cephastion, you have a knack for finding just the right song at the right time! I keep listening to it.

And I keep reciting Jeremiah 29:11 to myself over and over. And thanking God.

Since my musical selections seem to speak to you, I will offer this one to convey what I think myself and so many others (including your own heart and declarations) are counseling you and pulling for you and your loving husband to do "as far as it depends upon you..."

When I prayed for a new song to send, I immediately discovered this one. I've never heard (or seen) it before just two minutes ago, but it spoke what I wanted to say so without further ado:

Shawn Hook & KHS : Go The Distance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfUa4IVRZFI

It is such a pleasure to be a part of seeing a family saved from the brink and to possibly help heal and salvage some of what our common enemy/adversary wanted to kill and destroy.

It reminds me so much of what I used to be a part of when I was so much younger when I helped to save babies' little bodies and would-be mommies' maternal innocence from destruction-by-abortion...

[This message edited by Cephastion at 11:07 PM, January 21st (Sunday)]

ASoCalledLife

He said tonight he no longer wants a divorce

You have done it again. You have just given me an early birthday present. I think my 2PP and some other lovely lady might just start hating you. How do they ever top what you have given me here.

Glad that the analogy was helpful. Keep it in mind. Your greatest risk is that you let this joy and unbridled excitement that we both feel, well, go unbridled and then derail it all.

Just be you and do you. Slow, patient, persistently supportive of him and his decision.

ASCL,

Like everyone else, I think your thread is hugely uplifting. I am so pleased for you. Ohforanewme makes a good point about giving this process time to develop at a pace that is comfortable for both of you. I get the feeling that you are and your husband both want to move in the same direction, so the speed of travel is a secondary concern. There is an old saying I heard: A thing that is slowly built is surely built.

I think it is great that you are having such open conversations with your husband. If you can reach and maintain a point where you have no walls between one another, and you truly confide in each other, there will be no need for anyone else to 'be there' for you (sometimes for their own selfish motivations). Going forward, it would be good to set aside an hour a week (more if you like!), where you just open up to each other about your feelings, and discuss ways things can be improved.

The important thing is to make it a part of your weekly routine, like something you do for an hour every Sunday morning. Or maybe that you go out somewhere every week for coffee, or a meal, somewhere away from the house if that helps you to focus on opening up. But keep it regular, and consider it the 'Marital Maintenance Hour'! It will do both of you a lot of good, and your marriage will benefit because of that. It is the way to prevent a distance from ever forming between you again, and it really can take as little as an hour a week (maybe less, maybe more). The key to it is to make sure it keeps happening.

I wish you and your husband well, ASCL.