SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sisoon,

You want me to answer a question about a logical contradiction in myself with pathos?

I dont think I understand.

I can try.

To me, its no contradiction at all.

If they were APs in actuality, they are. If they werent, they werent.

But Im flying IFR with dead instruments, trying to get as close to reality as I can anyway.

If I know Ive been stolen from and I had my friends over when the thing went missing, do I call everyone who was there a thief until I sort out who has my shit? No, but each is a suspect.

If one of them passes a polygraph saying they didnt do it, and I find my shit in the glovebox of their car a month later, which piece of evidence should my feelings consider?

I know you havent seen me crying everyday but the rest of the world has. My feelings make everyone uncomfortable. That rejection just stokes the sense of being alone.

Their boundaries have no room for me to experience the consecutive loss of my father and then this within a few years and still be in my life.
Fuck em.

I might be trying to think my way out, but the only reason Im bothering to is that Im positively dripping with anger, hurt, and a boiling sensation of loss. Im letting myself feel, believe me. It seems bottomless, like you said.

I lost most of my "friends" when I went through this long ago. They wanted the happy guy around, and I had no room for that. It happens and it sucks. But in the end they proved to be dead weight fair weather friends. Fuck ‘em is exactly right. The right ones were still around during and after.

Brother, I FELT that post.

It’s hell working thru this. But you are engaged in your mind and your heart. You are listening and thinking. You are doing helpful things.

It’s painful as all fuck, but it is not bottomless, I promise.

I need to be blunt:
I have read all of your posts and they are tough to read.

Your wife's behavior in 2014 was, at that time, bad enough to have her contract terminated (as your signigficant other). She was awful and you took the pain. All of this took place in your early (glory days). When you are 50 like me, will you two talk about how "in love" you both were?

I had a fiance' doing the same to me when I was 21. A friend had to spell it out to me at the time because I was in denial. Once I came to the realization of what really occurred I was done very quickly. This was the best thing that ever happened to me (moving on).

The episode at the bar, where she was crying over the AP, is tragic (for you). If all of that was not bad enough to leave her then...

What you are fretting over now is old news. Forgive her or move on. You are justified either way. If your conversations mirror her posts (talking in circles) you both need counseling.

I really think you might have PTSD. I would if I put up with all of that business with multiple guys.

I dont understand.

Shes been being so good to me. I was thinking about contacting her old boss for info. I had his number in my contacts. I couldnt find it. I had also reached out to K a long time ago, the female coworker involved in the nightclub incident. I noticed that contact was gone. Then I realized my contacts were way thinner than I remembered.

She has gone into my phone and deleted every non family female contact. When? Why? I havent spoken to these people in years, before I knew her. If it made her feel uncomfortable, Id have gladly gotten rid of them. I dont know what all is missing. I got rid of every ex gf or anyone I had hooked up with years ago. These were just old social contacts, not even people I considered! Some might have been customers numbers.

Im not mad, just blown away. I think its so sad.

Why didnt she talk to me? I dont think anything is missing thats going to be missed, I just dont understand?

Shes just texted me this this morning;

"I’m sorry I acted like I owned you and treated you like an object to be controlled. That wasn’t fair or right. I’m sorry I was hyper jealous of you when you were so good to me. That was wrong of me. You didn’t deserve that. "

Its just words.

Edit: shes denying it.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 7:18 PM, Saturday, March 29th]

She is denying what she apologized for?

She says she didnt go into my phone and deleted all these contacts. Shes saying she never did this. I certainly didnt.

Shes saying shes worried about me, that Im losing it.

She blew up. Is raging at me.

She had the groupme app in her phone from work. I found J on there one day when I searched his name in her phone.

I was afraid they were talking on groupme, but if he was in her contacts last year before I noticed, it might still be there after she deleted the contact from her phone.

I downloaded the groupme app and synced my contacts to test if it would still be there after a contact was deleted. It would be. She wasnt talking to him there. The app is still in my phone.

I know all these missing contacts were there Feb 5th, when I downloaded the app to run this test. Because some of the missing contacts still show up there.

As I told you before man, your WW isn't the first person to come on here to attempt a Publicity Tour. I'm sorry man.

Shes saying shes worried about me, that Im losing it.

She blew up. Is raging at me.

With the most solemn concern for your welfare, I strongly advise you to get space from her. Not saying you have to divorce her, not saying you need to make any permanent decisions. But get separation from her now. This is a clear and present danger to your mental health.

ETA: the reasons I say this are two fold:
1) she has absolutely no place to be raging at you. There is no excuse. And I know first hand what it does to someone in your condition.
2) she is telling you you are remembering things wrong. She cannot be allowed to influence your self belief. Particularly with things that seem so absurd and unbelievable on the face of it.

Please, get to safety. Clear your head, and then make decisions from there.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 8:57 PM, Saturday, March 29th]

Do you share contacts? Many apps do things they don't tell us about.

So your wife either has an evil doppleganger that puts condoms in her purse for no reason and deletes contacts from your phone or she is a lying liar who lies. Again.

As I told you before man, your WW isn't the first person to come on here to attempt a Publicity Tour. I'm sorry man.

I agree with this 150%. She’s learning the language of how to sound like she’s being introspective and remorseful… but any time she’s confronted with facts that she can’t twist, her mask slips.

She’s trying to make you think that you’re crazy. And the longer you put up with this, it will eventually become true.

Well, the good news is people have been telling me I was crazy a long time before this.

I have experience deciding things for myself. And I always will. Thats the essence of agency. Noone alive has the chops to take that away from me.

Ive confidence in my ability to believe and understand the difference between what is and what someone wants me to believe.

And Im uniquely durable. So thats always fun to see tested. I get knocked down, sure, I feel all kinds of awful hurt, manmade horrors beyond my comprehension, etc. but at the end of every crucible, I rise back up. Its the same with this.

Really appreciate the support here. Its a special place.

I havent been able to find many words to put here to describe what Ive been going through. Its depression. I feel like shit. Theres a wall between me and my wife that I cant breach right now. Im tired of giving a window into myself to someone who isnt.

My inlaws, (specifically her mother) have been working against me in the background. Ww warned me this was happening, but I didnt understand until I saw it for myself. Drawback of deciding whats real for myself I suppose.

They have adopted a position that I am choosing not to trust, that it was 11 years ago, that a year and a half is long enough and that its time to stop torturing my wife. They are of the position that I need to either choose to stay and drop it, or leave so she can go invest in a man who will produce offspring for her. Yes, It was frankly said to that effect.

It is a shame. Ww’s cousin had a husband who cheated. They were totally supportive in that case, so I know they are capable of better.

Ww’s Mom was accosted by her uncle. She had lines drawn in the family. She was compelled to move by her husband 30 years ago, and she still tells everyone how much she resents it still. But for me, she has become my personal holocaust denier. Ive been at this, by her reckoning, long enough. What can I say, it is a terrible conflict of interest for a mother to be in.

I would kill for a live human to give me unconditional support. Ive never known what that feels like.

Ww produced a timeline. Its the most complete picture of what occurred that Ive seen yet. Much missing context is now provided. There are revelations of previously denied things. I was a bit disappointed when I came to understand that she did not remember having denied those things, but knowing what I suspected is still worthwhile.

Shes really trying quite hard.

It isnt the full picture.

Thursday is a joint session with the specialist. One day at a time.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 12:30 PM, Tuesday, April 1st]

The lost contacts is gaslighting 101. The mysterious, movable condoms is gas lighting 101. You are married to a scary woman. You are now questioning your own feelings, your own eyes, your own thoughts. She is going to protect whatever the hell is running her interior being to the detriment of your mental health.

I think you need to get away from her as fast as you can. The name of this forum is surviving. You are drowning.

And Im uniquely durable.

Gently, and with all care, no you aren’t.

I have no doubt you are strong and resilient. You are clearly highly intelligent. All great traits. But you are not unique. One of the reasons you are feeling a specialness to this place is you are finding camaraderie with people who have experienced similar things, and also had similar internal reactions. It’s from that familiarity that we advise and support you. But that implies that you are not unique. You are just human, like the rest of us.

My reading here made me afraid for my long term mental and emotional health. Betrayal is a danger to them both, you can see it plastered all over these pages. People think they can handle it, and then they write the "15 wasted years" thread that breaks any heart that can still feel.

You are in a crisis, one I believe you are underestimating.

I hope that your new timeline sheds some light on your feelings about that first polygraph. Clarity there I think would be helpful to you.

Your W is really missing a golden opportunity with her mother, in that she should be giving YOU unconditional support, and going very low contact with her until she pulls her head out of her ass and gets on the heal 5bd train or just stfu and stay at the station.

Well, I'd say that your WW's family (as toxic as they are and they are quite toxic indeed) is only part of the problem.

There is something in our Western Society called the Reconciliation-Industrial Complex, which really could be renamed the Rugsweeping-Industrial Complex or even the Remain-In-Chains Complex. It is the segments of society delivering the (wrong) messaging that YOU (as a BH that is) have some blame in your WW's affair, and in any event, 'it happened a while ago and she said she was sorry, so get with the program man! Time to for you to just be over it and stop bringing it up. C'mon man rugsweep it away!' You've even, in your posts here, documented a few instances of your own contact with the RIC. You heard this from your own female family members blaming you for your WW's cheating.

Anyways that messaging from the RIC is destructive and STAYS in your bones man. Meanwhile you may even have internalized this and be feeling guilt for your WW's pain at betraying you and (if you want to D) leaving your WW this way as well. Every other post of mine on here is all about lashing out at the RIC for that very reason. You have one life to live, my friend, and you deserve to be happy. Please do not stay out of any sense of guilt.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:10 PM, Tuesday, April 1st]

I agree with the others though, your WW if she has any intention of helping you, needs to go very low contact with her mom. She sounds absolutely toxic.