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Barring that, we continue to work on ourselves and the relationship and we’re set.

I read your post again and this jumped out at me. Continued deception should be a deal breaker post amnesty period, we seem to agree on that. But for you to say that as long as that doesn’t happen you are "set", that bothers me. Friend, there are other hazards. The bar is much higher than her merely not lying to you. Don’t settle for so little as that.

If she tries to whiteknuckle through, she lives under the sword of Damocles.

I don’t think your wife is feeling any sense of peril. She has faced no consequences for her actions in the past 11 years; what reason does she have to fear that anything will happen in 7 months?

You can’t make her change. The only person you have the power to change is yourself.

So again I’ll ask: why are you still focusing on working on the marriage instead of working on yourself?

Inkhulk,

When I say "set", I dont mean totally scot free to ignore everything else I seek. Im not that easy!

The other showstopper would be any new cheating type behaviors of any kind.

Bluerthanblue,

Ww is the most scared person Ive ever met. Always was but especially since d-day.

The last year and a half has probably been the worst time in her life. If you think reading my posts is hard, imagine living with that on a constant loop, but even more accusatory and angry and you get some idea. Her parents know, my family knows, her every footstep on eggshells. I dont envy her at all.

And Im not even sure she realizes it, but she paid a shitty price long before that. She got precancer in her cervix a year after the affairs, stopped feeling like she could have friends and social relationships entirely afterwards, and I may have mentioned how she was bullied out of her job after working her way to a director level position?

It had little to do with the cheating, but she took it for a long time to an outrageous extent because she believed she deserved it because of the affairs. That nearly killed her.

In any case, I am working on me. Im eating better, working out, sticking to my guns and giving myself permission to try to get my way And tell people fuck off when I need to. I never, uhm, felt like that was something I could do. Im still a codependent wretch. I still want to be good enough by proving my love.

Everyones got something wrong with em. Ive got oodles.

Im working on the marriage too. I can chew gum and walk.

[This message edited by 5bluedrops at 10:15 PM, Saturday, May 31st]

The other showstopper would be any new cheating type behaviors of any kind.

Still way too low of a bar. You should stay if and only if you are able to transition into a loving, supporting, nurturing relationship that serves you both.

Im working on the marriage too. I can chew gum and walk.

Love the spunk, but I think you are again thinking yourself super human. Working on yourself in this trauma will take more than all you’ve got for a while, if you are doing it right.

Yeah well, Im not "super". But Im very capable and I do what I can. Obviously, eventually entropy will get me. But it wont be from this.

I read the threads by Saddestdad and his wife Change4thebetter. That was really, really eerie. The sensations I experienced were just bizarre. It was like a fucking mirror. He said so many of the same things Ive said or thought. The sleuthing of her google history, the amount of subsequent discoveries.
The people getting triggered by his experiences and begging him to set himself free, to the point of lashing out at him out of care and concern. Im just as he was.

She was just like my wife is. Down to theories of dissociative amnesia/fugue, all the attempts to move past without coming clean, getting caught and called out over and over. A passed polygraph. Hmm.

Just bizarre.

They pulled it out. I hope I can. Hope we can.