SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I found out two weeks ago that my partner of four years cheated on me two years ago with two different women over about a six month period. Unprotected, and infected himself and me with chlymydia as a result, which was only discovered along with all this.

Not only that, over the past two weeks I also learned that he completely and atrociously lied about his sexual history prior to us being together.

The only reason I am still here is because, aside from being madly in love with him, he is doing and saying all the right things now. He even told me to come to this forum because this is not his first rodeo with infidelity. He claims he is ashamed and disgusted with himself and made the decision two years ago to never engage in this behavior again, and is prepared to deal with all my rage and instability for as long as it takes. He has without any resistance given me access to every crazy thing I've asked for, and agreed to therapy for himself and us.

The first two years of our relationship was indeed a "situationship". It started during the pandemic and we both had chaotic things going in our lives and only saw each other once a week or so. That said, sexual exclusivity was discussed EXTENSIVELY as was the clear agreement that each would inform the other if we hooked up with anyone else. I checked in with him before, during, and after this six month period of infidelity.

Additionally when we first got together he told me he had been celibate since his ex-girlfriend four years prior, due to recovering from the shame incurred from losing her due to a previous episode of infidelity. He painted a picture of himself as a celibate person recovering from his former sexual indiscretions.

In all of this I learned that from 2017-2020 he actually went on what I can only describe as some kind of unhinged sex bender where he had a series of partners without disclosing his activity to the others. Most of them were casual, but a couple of them had strong feelings for him and were shattered as a result of him ultimately ghosting them.

He stopped for a period of a year when he met me, and then picked it up again for a period of about six months without telling me with the two aforementioned partners, and then, apparently, became disgusted with himself, quit, and about six months after that made a more formal commitment to a relationship with me. All was great and wonderful and we got a house about six months ago to start a life together, and then I find out THIS and I'm traumatized.

Everything he says does make sense. He describes his need to do this as a need for validation (I've since dubbed the term "validation kink"). In all honesty in spite of his many great qualities he is a bit of a hot mess as a person existing in this society, struggling to make things work due to executive dysfunction, severe ADHD, and some kind of other neurodivergence I'm sure, and a history of trauma - but he is handsome and charming and frankly damned good in bed, so when a woman is interested he says explains it as a kind of impulse to react to it and exercise his 'power' in that arena.

It all sounds pretty self-aware and as I said, he is doing and saying everything one could hope for in a person that might be genuinely remorseful and want to recover from this.

BUT DAMN. The Lies. FOUR YEARS of LIES is what's getting to me. I asked him SEVERAL times before we committed to starting a life together whether he had been with anyone during our 'situationship' or had any other secrets to disclose because I had a sense he was hiding shit from me due to the vibe of our 'situationship' He told me 'no' time and time again. And when I caught him, his first impulse was to continue to lie and downplay the level of sexual activity, and then continued to lie when I started questioning him about his past until I went nuclear and (with his knowledge) just started snooping relentlessly through his past shit and even having conversations with women from his past. Only then did I finally wear him down and he started volunteering what SEEMS to be the whole story.

But DAMN. The lies. And how he could deliver them for so long with such a straight face.

I'm so emotionally disregulated about this right now. In my heart of hearts I FEEL like he is sincere and that he wants to make this work and wants to be a better person. But he's also shown me what a damned good liar he is. I've looked him in the eye and BEGGED him to just leave me if this is another act. Said that if he cares about me even a little, if he's not genuine and if he's going to do this just get out of my life and leave me alone so he can go fuck around as much as he wants. But he insists he wants to make it work. He's 45 years old and he says he's disgusted with who he has been and just wants to be with me and grow old with me and never do that shit again. Meanwhile, me, 48 and have never been with anyone other than my former husband of 22 years and him in my whole adult life. I'm demisexual and I can't even fathom how someone does what he did on any kind of emotional level.

I want to believe him, but I don't know what to believe. My heart says once thing and my brain says another. Every time I'm with him there are horrible mind movies playing in my head and from one minute to the next I want to scream at him or just climb into his arms. UGH.

Oh my dear lord. He is a liar. I can't even.

I wish you peace. I don't think you can ever trust him.

I am so sorry that you are going through this.

Other people will be along to weigh in soon I am sure.

"Not only that, over the past two weeks I also learned that he completely and atrociously lied about his sexual history prior to us being together"

Many of us have experienced this. It is so hard when the person you expect to care for you and protect you and tell you the truth does something like this.

Please take exquisite care of yourself. Things like eating healthy, exercise, trauma informed emotional support, trauma informed competent medical care with full panel std test.

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're here. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that we recommend new members read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library has a lot of information, and that's where the list of acronyms we use is located.

If he's been here before, then he's showing you that he's a serial cheater. It sounds like he hasn't done the work to be a safe partner. The tough part about serial cheaters is that they have a tough time changing. It can be done, but it is rare. If he's serious, then he will go to IC (Individual Counseling) to find out his whys and to work to become a safe partner.

IC for you to help deal with the trauma. If you can find a betrayal trauma specialist, it can be very beneficial. Bonus points if they work with infidelity.

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. Cheaters lie, and then lie some more. He needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Although it is about a "spouse" it really is helpful for anyone in a committed relationship. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another great book that you both could read.

If your girlfriend were telling you the story below, what advice would you give her? Are you really sure that you want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't value you and is willing to risk your health this way?

If you have trouble with depression or sleeping, please see a doctor for meds. Please practice a lot of self-care.

So sorry you find yourself here, but this, gently:

If he's been here before, then he's showing you that he's a serial cheater.

Not only is he a serial cheater, he's a serial liar who probably can never be trusted. So he's saying all the right things now while lying to you for two years (that you know of) and of his history prior. He also put your life in danger by having unprotected sex with God knows who. He said two? You cannot trust a thing out of his mouth right now. He also sounds like a master manipulator.

Please find a good IC for yourself.

He's shown you and others who he is, please believe him.

Take good care of yourself. Again, so sorry you got deeply involved with someone who is pretty much a fraud. His words are meaningless, his actions are what matters.

So sorry you are going through this. It really is so traumatizing and heartbreaking. I am glad you are here.

As a wife of a sex addict (whose husband has now been sober for almost two years), I feel lead to tell you that your husband is displaying addicted behavior. I know not everyone believes in sex addiction, but hear me out. Put it in the context of, say, alcoholism. Many people’s stories sound like his. Trying to stop multiple times, even having periods of relative sobriety, but then going back. Making promises to stop, but then doing it again anyway. Lieing.

I have a close work friend who is an alcoholic who has been sober for many years. When I told her about my husband’s trickle truth after d-day, and how it almost killed me, she said, "Ugh, trickle truth. I did the same thing to my loved ones as I got sober. It’s awful." See the parallel? Not everyone who cheats is an addict - obviously. But, then again, a good amount are.

I’m telling you this so you understand that he needs to take this seriously and he needs help. My husband chose a 12 step program, therapy, and a serious out patient program that he is STILL a part of.

Sex addiction is serious sh*t and it can lead to some really dark and dangerous places. I say all of this out of concern for you … and for him.

No matter what you choose to do, know that there are people out there who understand how awful it is to go through infidelity. Movies and tv shows (and even family and friends) would have you think it’s just a temporary blip and then you move on. But it’s not. It’s trauma. Hang in there and take care of yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I can relate. I am new here and just found out my husband of 22 years has been cheating on me for 13 years paying women he went to middle school or high school with for sex. He told me he picked women who he knew would not get upset if he ghosted them and were broke that would do what he wanted sexually for money and that hurt. He was paying at times several of them at the same time and D day I found out was on our 22 nd wedding anniversary when I looked at his work emails and saw him emailing the one he’s been with the longest setting up to meet with her when she came back in town. He has been omitting and trickling information to me so he’s definitely only sorry he got caught and not remorseful because he continues to lie. He’s in counseling with his new pastor but not sure if he’s being transparent there either but I had to protect myself and adult daughter physically, financially and emotionally because he’s also stolen money from me to fund his sexual habits. I’m also in counseling and talking to a divorce attorney.

I will be praying for you and pray you get the clarity you need to make the best decision for you and your family.

I'm sorry you're here.

The fact is that he already lost a previous significant relationship to infidelity and has now done it again. He's a serial cheater and they are the hardest to work with. His previous girlfriend cut him loose and now may be in a happy, safe relationship because of that. You could have that, too.

Best of luck. I hope you realize this was nothing you did!

He is showing you who he is - a Serial Adulterer.

You need to believe him.

The love you feel is for the person you wish he was/want him to be. Sadly, the mask slipped and you now see the real him.

You are allowed to mourn that loss. But please - for your own long term sanity - RUN.

And que up a little song called Liar by Henry Rollins. I think it quite apt here.

I'm very sorry.

Alternatively, you may have deep love for him despite his repeatedly betraying you. That doesn't mean you need to stay with him. The best thing you can do for yourself and for him may be to cut him loose. That, too, can be an act of love.

Why in the world would you trust him now? It's up to him to earn your trust back.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:26 PM, Friday, September 13th]

I just wanted to pop in and thank everyone who responded. I am taking all the responses under consideration and am still trying to figure out my reality.

My brain knows most of you who are saying 'get out' are probably right. The situation is complicated by the fact that if I kick him out of my house, he is homeless and will lack the resources to get the help he needs, and right now, he is saying and doing all the 'right things' and I love him so much that I want to believe him and keep him stabilized so he can get proper mental health care. Our society/economy/access to mental health care plus his low income means the chances of him doing so are almost zeroif he's not stabilized in this home he shares with me (that I own independently).

Yet I know it is also not my responsibility. But I also have a great deal of love and empathy here. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ugh. Part (but only part of me) of me wishes he were just acting like a jerk, blame-shifting, and not accepting responsibility so it'd be easy decision for me to wash my hands of him.

What makes matters worse is how SLOW everything is moving. It took a month to get him into a therapist, and now that therapist is going on vacation and his next appointment isn't for another month.

I had been entertaining just breaking up with him and letting him live in my basement living his own life getting the help he needs but I'm starting to think my feelings are too strong for him for me to handle it. UGH.

FML.

[This message edited by Sarai at 12:12 AM, Sunday, September 15th]

He should have thought of that before he cheated. Not your responsibility.

He's not ashamed and disgusted with his behavior. He's saying what needs to be said so that he can make you happy and is manipulating you.

Really, you're in love with who you thought he was and now he's shown you who he is. I spent too many years married to a person with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and wanting the loving, sensitive guy to come back - only to realize that person was a mirage.

Please don't make the same mistake. Guys like him find ladies like you who are very sensitive and empathetic to manipulate.

On YouTube, Dr. Ramani has some great videos on trauma bonding and Co-dependency that you may find helpful. The intermittent reinforcement of the push-pull of emotions contributes to the issue.

Don't feel stupid. We've all been there.

Sarai

A couple of points:
Of all the people that have posted here that eventually divorced, don’t you think a high proportion felt love to their spouses/partners?
Love is a great emotion to maintain and feed a relationship, but if its not recuperated in a healthy manner... it isn’t really love.
I’m a former cop and saw SO MANY instances where a man would be crying about his love for his battered wife... the one he hadn’t intended to hurt and the one he would never hurt again... only for us to be there the nth time in a few weeks.
Love is a great emotion to maintain and feed a relationship, but if not healthy... its more like an addiction.
If you were to remove him from your life you would be fine in a few months. Your "lost love" would not kill you. Ongoing unhealthy love might though...

Second point:
That he has been lying all these years. Infidelity. Financial dependence. Low income. Mental health issues...
You really aren’t selling him to us as life-partner material...

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone that at least equals your income, is honest, sane, on par with you emotionally, intellectually and can have some joint plan for life? Wouldn’t it be great if you could cut down work if you had kids without risking the financial future of your family? Wouldn’t it be great to have someone that owns half your house with you – enabling a better financial future?

Nah... Let’s stick with someone that has such a low income that he’s not capable of supporting himself...

If he's been here before, then he's showing you that he's a serial cheater. It sounds like he hasn't done the work to be a safe partner.

I agree. It seems like instead of looking to himself, he is pointing you to a (great) resource for helping YOU heal and move through his clear shortcomings as a partner. While showing you this site is a kindness, do not allow that to replace or otherwise substitute for him doing what he needs to do. The fact that he has been here before and knows about this site tells me that if he has read much here he will "know" what he is supposed to do and say in order lead you to believe he is going to be a safe partner. What he isn't doing is showing you that he has decided he does not want to be this person and wants to figure out what is wrong with him, and work on making clear and necessary repairs to himself. That kind of work takes a lot of time...and my WH only did it in earnest after I left him AND his whole world was blown up by the A (his work, his friendships, and our relationship) and even then, he's been in therapy for 4 years and it is still not all sorted out. If your WP is not looking at this from the perspective of "I'm fucked up. Why do I keep doing this? And I need to start figuring out why because I don't want to be this person anymore." AND take serious action to start moving in the right direction for HIMSELF, you will likely find yourself here again and again and again.

I also learned that my WH had a history of questionable behavior from the time he was a young adult. Things I did not know about, and some things I did and glossed over as being young and breaking free from a very restrictive and very unloving (IMO - he was not showed any affection and was taught from a young age to swallow down any problems you have and to self-soothe without talking to anyone about your issues) religious upbringing which was also mired by an insane family history of infidelity going back generations and actually resulting in an AP murdering his uncle's wife (the OBS), a 5-year affair on the part of his dad, his grandfather leaving his grandmother for 22 years for another married woman only returning to her when the other woman passed away, and more. My WH was scarred by these things, and had horrible coping mechanisms, and scored high on the narcissism scale, with low empathy and a very high opinion of himself despite knowing and fully grasping that his behaviors were despicable on many levels and violated his own sense of personal values.

I must warn you that sticking with someone during this process when they are doing the work is a very difficult and bumpy road. Ultimately I divorced my WH and moved away while he worked on himself so that I could find myself...and while we now date, because the work he has done and is doing is clear, I have retained my own home, and my own space. I must further warn you that had my WH not taken a deep look at himself and instead continued to rug-sweep and I had stayed, the toll on my mental health would have been immense. For the 2 years I did say while he persisted in lying to me and ignoring what he now calls the red flags he continually saw in his own behavior, I think my recovery would be ongoing as the longer I stayed with him when he was not doing the work on himself, the more damage it caused me. I am a firm believer that unless a WS/WP is really working on themselves, for themselves (and usually this requires a lot of IC - or at least a lot of reading and participating in forums like this on the wayward side), there is next to nothing a WS/WP can do or say to the BS/BP that can be relied on as evidence they are willing and ABLE to really and truly change.

Finally, I too was madly in love with my WH, or the person I perceived him to be. And at the stage you are at I could not imagine leaving him. Now, 7 years out from d-day 1 and 4 years out from moving away, I cannot imagine having stayed. My love for WH is different, and was forever changed right after d-day 1 too, I just could not see my own change because I was too busy trying to keep my head above water fighting fires related to all the information I discovered and that my WH admitted to. And this went on for a long time, and I am in the relatively unusual boat that my WH generally admitted to and would answer just about anything about the A that had already happened when discovered, and then would just start fresh with new shitty behaviors and lies until I caught him again. That was soul-sucking and changed my feelings about my WH forever. IDK what will happen with you but rest assured your feelings about him will never be the same - infidelity changes everything.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:25 PM, Friday, September 20th]

if I kick him out of my house, he is homeless and will lack the resources to get the help he needs

Gently, that is 100% on him.

And should not be weaponized against you.

If he’s financially dependent on you, then that’s all the more reason that you can’t believe a single word that he says.

Tell him that he has 3 months to find another place to live… and that once he’s out from under your roof, then he you would consider dating him again.

His reaction to this request should give you a clear picture of how sincere he really is.

But regardless, don’t let his inability or unwillingness to take care of himself hold you hostage in this relationship.

Also, he’s already given you an STD; fortunately, it was one that you were able to treat. But I just read in another advice column about a woman who found out— at the same time that she miscarried twins! — that her husband gave her HIV.

And this happened AFTER she had thought they were successfully reconciled following his prior cheating. He never stopped.

Is this a risk you’re willing to take?

Your responses are so spot on. I KNOW they are. I'm just really struggling with letting go.

I do like the idea of giving him 3 months. I did end up booting him out of the house for a week it was utterly awful for me watching the way he lived that week. I realize some people can say "Well he did this to himself so screw him" but I'm not one of those people. I'm just not. I'm not a doormat and I could take that tact if he was blame-shifting or being a jerk, but he's not. He accepts my rollercoaster of emotions without complaint, and otherwise it's just remorse and regret.

I think it is complicated by a few things. One - I'm 48 years old, very much DONE with childbearing, and long past concerns about having a life partner in a family building sense. I already had that for 25 years with someone that was loyal and made plenty of money. I left him. Even now at my lowest low, I don't remotely regret leaving him. Even though he was in many ways a solid guy and he's still my fam for life and we have a great relationship, leaving him was 100% the right choice for me for reasons not relevant for this forum.

Sharing that much to state I place zero value at this point in my life about someone matching my income. It's entirely irrelevant to me. Though of course, I don't want anyone using me, either. So there's that.

Then there's also that both WP and I are neurodivergent artists - not sure how many people here can relate to that, but when you're on a more extreme end of the bell curve, finding people you resonate with is really freaking hard. I feel out of place with almost everyone. The 'plenty of fish in the sea' addage carries little weight when 99% of the fish are a completely different species than you are. The idea of spending more than a few hours or maybe a day with almost anyone I know, even my closest friends and family that I love, is difficult for me. It's NO shade on them at all; it's me. I'm weird and fussy and I struggle to feel grounded in almost all social relationships. I know this.

The good news is this part of the complication means I'm actually perfectly fine being alone. I LIKE being alone. But, DAMN, I also cherished finding a RARE person I can tolerate living life with, and who can tolerate living with my oddies and all this crap aside, he made me feel loved and cherished and beautiful.

And still does, only now I wonder if it's real. If could just know he'd be HONEST moving forward, none of the other stuff deters me. :/

It seems like you've made your choice, so my only advice now is to make sure he wears condoms each and every time you have sex and, if possible, get a prescription for PrEP.

He isn't an honest person, so it's doubtful he'll be honest with you. He's a serial cheater and will lie to achieve his own ends.