SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The older I get the more I feel like he got away with murder and enjoyed it.

Do what you wish. For sure just about every BS no matter if R or D feels similar to you. I certainly did and for the first time in my entire marriage considered it seriously.

Just remember, for every action there is a reaction. No one here will say that affairs are ever justified. No matter what logic you use, it’s still wrong. Using someone to get back at your husband is wrong. And there’s no telling what the other party will do once the RA begins. It’s a ton of risks with a fleeting moment of feeling good, and a compromise of morals. Only you can decide if that’s worth it. Almost every MH here would say no.

Do what you want, but having your own A wont make the fact that he had an A hurt any less.

It WILL involve you having to sacrifice your own morals, to a point where you wouldn't be able to justify your own anger at him for what he did without doing some impressive mental gymnastics.

Healthy people don't use others to make themselves feel better.

You can always change your mind on R.

I highly suggest maintaining the moral high ground.

Even if it’s true that he got away with murder and enjoyed it, is that who you want to be?

That question is somewhat rhetorical, but here’s a real one, meant very straightforwardly and with no snark: what are the reasons you’ve chosen to reconcile with your husband?

I truly am sorry that you and I and other bs ended up here feeling betrayed and angry. It does feel to me like the villain won many times. But I think the choices are to stay and work on the marriage if you have a willing and capable partner or divorce with dignity. My exwh had no intention of becoming a safe partner so D it was.

People say two wrongs do not make a right for many reason.

"It’s a ton of risks with a fleeting moment of feeling good, and a compromise of morals."

This. ^^^

Also the comments about giving up the moral high ground and the devastating consequences that come with infidelity. People can lose their lives and suffer devastating mental health consequences.

I wish you peace and continued healing.

"Remind me again why I shouldn’t become a mad hatter? "

Because it wrong. Tempting...but wrong.

The older I get the more I feel like he got away with murder and enjoyed it.

In a way he did. But that doesn't make it right - and that "got away with it" is only short term. Karma and/or the afterlife had long memories. As for "enjoyed it" he did at least for a while - but again - that enjoyment has a shelf life and short expiration date.

ETA:

I highly suggest maintaining the moral high ground.

Wise words from This0is0Fine. Funny thing about the moral high ground. It is the harder path. But the view is spectacular.

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:49 PM, Friday, May 17th]

No advice, but I have had the same thoughts so many times.

Think of it like that: if your WH would have literally committed murder and got away with it, would you feel that you are now at liberty to commit murder too?

The way I look at it is like this: I didn’t stay faithful in my marriage because my WH was faithful, I stayed faithful because it is against my own morals and values regardless of outside factors.

I don’t see why I should re-evaluate my own morals and values because WH decided to drop his.

One's values shouldn’t be determined by other people’s actions.

"One's values shouldn’t be determined by other people’s actions."

This^^

I don’t see why I should re-evaluate my own morals and values because WH decided to drop his.
One's values shouldn’t be determined by other people’s actions.

This is so true!!! I need to be reminded of this when I’m feeling the pain of it all.

Have you tried a trial separation to get some more distance?

What I have learned...Over time, as the trauma of being betrayed faded and my own empathy for by fWW grew, I started to understand her brokenness. As she became more honest, she talked about, even in the middle of the worst, she said she could escape feeling like a loser when she could get the "high" from her liaisons. But as soon as she had to return to reality, she new she was a low life slut. (her words) She did not get away with anything. Even before I knew it was going on, she was a mess. And she has to live with the disgusting things she did. There is no pride, there is no boasting about her affairs. Only disgust.

Don't do that to yourself.

I feel all AP's use,and lie, to their AP.

My wh has taken advantage of me,lied to me,and used me, at various times.

Why would I allow another man to do that to me, now that I've decided I've reached my limit with wh?

Ick

What helped me not give into this was realizing that once I played it out in my head I would have felt disgusted with myself.

Going out and using people to fill your voids and get temporary highs/fixes or revenge has a direct impact on your self image and worth. It’s not something you’d be proud of yourself for doing. It’s not something that’ll help you heal. It’ll add to your already deeply hurt emotions from being betrayed. You don’t deserve to add disgust, or lowered self worth on top of everything you’re already experiencing from the infidelity.

My suggestion, don’t do it, and don’t do it for your own sake. Find healing through self care, self nourishment, and self loving behaviors. Find guidance in IC. Build yourself up piece by piece. Stay away from behaviors that take you down if you can. And if you find that you’ve given into self sabotaging behaviors, be kind to yourself as you pick yourself up out of them and try again.

I can't tell YOU why you shouldn't become a Madhatter, but I can tell you why I didn't. I won't abandon my values for petty revenge. I won't stoop to that lowest of levels. I may have been destroyed but my integrity is still intact. If the thought of being a madhatter sounds like a powerful response to being cheated on, just imagine what the response to walking away from the marriage would be with your integrity and self worth still in full view of your spouse. Stay on the high road, it's about all we have left in the wake of the destruction.

Cheating on your husband isn't going to make you feel safe or happy in your marriage.

When my husband did:
-it showed me he did not value fidelity or honesty in the way he had proclaimed.
-I wanted him to go to therapy and expected the same requirements and repairs. A ws is a ws even if they do it second.
-we were closer than ever to a divorce because I did not owe him any certain reaction. It wasn’t a situation where I could dish it out and not take it but our marriage was already struggling and to add this gasoline to it made it seem hopeless.
-the divorce rate when a woman cheats is higher than when the man does. There is a lot that could be inferred there.

And blue is right it’s not going to fix the real issue.