SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife has been having an affair with her boss for eight months, and I’m unable to confront her because it would end our decade-plus marriage. She has no idea that I know. Our relationship has improved significantly over the last eight months, since I found out and have tried to do everything I can to reverse course, and she engages in the affair during business trips several times per year. She used to be heavily involved in the emotional aspect of the affair, avoiding me and spending countless hours on texts and calls, and she was being very cruel towards me. But that has changed; she is back to loving me again and no longer spends time away from me.

We had a perfect marriage until I became depressed two years ago and basically stopped eating because I decided I wanted to lose weight. This led to a loss of libido and pretty severe depression, both of which I thought were intractable until I started eating again due to the stress of everything going on. During her last business trip, something happened that destroyed me completely, and I just need someone with experience to talk to.

We can't divorce because I love her and also because we have mutually built an entire life together. But it's so hurtful being a prisoner without being able to acknowledge what has happened and what is happening, without ending everything. If there’s anyone out there who could talk to me anonymously on a voice app, I’d be so grateful.

I very much doubt anyone will be willing to engage in 1-on-1 because that really is not safe. You are in the right place and can learn a ton by reading and posting here. I am a BH as well and understood the horrific pain. My WW had 6 affairs.

I’m unable to confront her because it would end our decade-plus marriage.

Start here. Work towards acceptance that your marriage is already over. Unless of course sleep with another man’s was in the vows. And that it is not your fault. Not even if you were the worst husband in the world. That choice was still not an acceptable one from the many options she had. Ignoring it and not confronting her is called rug sweeping. It never works. Worry you have to join us.

I agree, you can’t get good one advice or therapy from just one guy on the Internet. You are alone here, just tell your story, what happened on the last business trip, etc. There are a lot of people on this site. They will collectively have good advice.

Write out the long version of events so people can understand what is up

Perhaps one day I will write it out here, as I've already written thousands upon thousands of words over the last few months. The entire story. It would take a lot of effort to remove identifying details. And be really triggering to revisit just for the purpose of editing.

With gratitude and all due respect to you who responded, I have to say that I am really craving a simple human conversation because the written form simply does not convey enough for me at this point (spoken as someone who has lived a great part of the last 20 years in the written form). A few hundred words is the most anyone could possibly offer me, and I would appreciate that, but it just can't substitute for a conversation with interruptions and clarifications and the ability for me to really convey what is going on, and the pain I am feeling. An hour long conversation is comprised of 7-9,000 words, and there's also just the human element that I feel so in need of.

I was hoping that this wouldn't be a risk for either party, thanks to so many anonymous communication/phone apps out there. I think this is just something that I need -- ironically, I will be able to afford a cash skype therapist (with anonymity) in about 4 months, but I just don't feel I can wait that long. Thank you to all who have responded. I just feel a need to express my internal pain to another human being right now. There are a lot of voice app "parties" where I could unburden myself, but I really want to talk to someone with actual experience with what I'm going through.

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry you have a reason to find us. There is so much experience here that you need this group to find your way. None of this is your fault and you have to realize at this moment, you have lost her and the marriage as you knew it is over.

You cannot sit by and let her cheat while celebrating the crumbs she is giving you. You need to confront her and get it on the table. You do not have a good M, and now amount of "pick me dance" will snap her out of it.

You have to put your foot down get out of this abuse. Look at the pinned topics above and the healing library you need all of that information. Stay right here we will help you.

This is going to sound harsh, it’s not meant to be. I had to have my head smashed (not literally) for me to see the whole truth and get out of infidelity.

Your marriage as you know it is over. I have no doubt that you are in tremendous pain, however there is nothing unique about your story. Your W is cheating on you with her boss, and she will continue until she decides to stop. It’s not special. You are encouraging her affair by trying to be the best you can be. The harder you try, the more she will cheat.

She may leave you for him. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, doesn’t matter how perfect you thought your marriage was, doesn’t matter that if he’s married that he probably won’t leave his wife for her. The story never changes, just the names and faces.

You have two choices. Bury your head in the sand and share your wife with another man, or make a decision to get out of infidelity. My opinion, don’t confront. Make your exit plan. Get a good lawyer, get it ready. Get your Finances in order. When she’s at work, leave. Have her served at work, make sure HR knows. Ir AP is married tell his wife.

And this edit is to let you know that I understand deeply how you feel. I too was paralyzed by fear of D while my WW was in an affair. I suffered 6 horrible months of knowing she was lying, and seeing AP etc. I know exactly what you are feeling. I
Did a lot of the same, fear of confrontation, fear of D, all of it. What got me out, was letting go. Once you realize that you have already lost everything, you are free to do anything

[This message edited by HellIsNotHalfFull at 5:31 AM, Wednesday, May 15th]

I’m sorry for your pain OP. You’ve had good advice already so I don’t have much to add.

If you want to talk to someone you can google infidelity 12 step and you will find a site where other survivors meet online and discuss their experiences in a 12 step recovery program. Good luck.

The most important thing to understand is that this is not your fault. You did not have a perfect marriage before. That was an illusion. She did not cheat because you became depressed. In fact, it may be the exact opposite.

That's what happened to me. I went through a period of depression and anxiety which I blamed on the circumstances leading up to getting laid off from work. 11 months later I discovered that my W was cheating on me. I confronted her immediately. I didn't believe that it could be any more than an online EA, because we had a perfect marriage. But it was. Initially she gave me the "I've changed and you haven't" line but pretty quickly after she started blaming my depression, saying I had left her feeling alone and unloved.

I accepted that blame and did the full "pick me" dance to try to win her back. I "won" but I'll never really know whether it was because of me or the simple fact that she could never accept the consequences of a D and having her A revealed to her family. Our MC even reinforced that blame with her "shared responsibility BS."

So I rug swept it all and moved on as prescribed. My W eventually took full responsibility but I never really gave up all the guilt and shame.

It ate at me for almost 20 years until a couple of years ago I had an realization that I couldn't tolerate it any longer. I had never really gotten the full story. So I went back through events of the time, wrote out a full history of events, and insisted that my W do the same.

This is what I realized: She had started pulling away from me and seeking attention elsewhere years before I lost my job. Even though I could not admit it at the time, that was what was causing me to become depressed. I was trying to win back her attention and failing. I'm an introvert and she had decided that she needed to catch up on all the fun that she had missed out on by getting stuck with a homebody right out of High School.

When you really go back and look at events with a clear head, you may find the same thing. Your depression and attempts to lose weight may have been a response to a gut feeling that you were losing your W. Whatever it was, a loving spouse should respond to such a crisis with love, compassion, and support. Using it as justification for an A would be selfish, cruel, and uncaring. But that's the nature of someone in an A.

You are going to have to confront your W. You cannot go on living a lie. It will just keep eating at you. It only ends in D if that is what one of you wants. That's not what you want and you can do better than to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

You also owe it to any OBS to inform them so that they are not living a lie.

Gather all your evidence and secure it where it cannot be found and destroyed. It's very doubtful that she has ended the A. Your behavior may have raised concerns that you suspect something and driven the A underground. Use every tool at your disposal to ferret out any ongoing communications. A voice recorder hidden in the car often produces a smoking gun.

Find a therapist that you can talk with. It should be someone with experience dealing with infidelity and the trauma it creates. Trauma is the key word here. That is what you have suffered and that is how it needs to be treated.

Wishing you the best. Keep us updated.

ANY poster reading the original post needs to be totally aware that the admins and mods of this site can’t do anything to protect your anonymity if you were to decide to reach out to the OP – even if using a tool promising anonymity.

It is something I personally would in the strongest of words suggest posters avoid doing.

Anon7473678848

See my tagline?

The cause of your misery is not of your own making. The affair is 100% your wife’s decision and fault. But your insistence on not having any options... THAT is totally 100% on you. You are in misery because you have decided to remain in misery...

To use a comparison: Your wife has driven the family-car into a muddy field and the tires just spin in some mud-ruts. You can decide to just sit in the car until it runs out of gas or you starve. You could get out and push and dig. Or... you could abandon the vehicle and head for safety on foot. Judging by your above post, you have decided to sit in the car pretending not to notice your wife got you stuck.

You have options.

We can't divorce because I love her and also because we have mutually built an entire life together.

I venture that about 90-99% of ALL posters here on SI loved their spouse and had built an entire life together. Yet a great many – including each and every poster that can state they reached happiness – will share that they found their happiness by taking action.

That action does NOT have to be divorce. In fact – the initial action is neither divorce nor reconcile. The initial action is "simply" deciding to NOT remain in infidelity. Once you can tell your wife that you refuse to remain in infidelity you are presented with two possibilities:

If she wants her affair more than she wants the marriage – it could lead to divorce.

If she wants the marriage – it could lead to reconciliation.

Both R and D are good and acceptable paths out of infidelity.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:25 AM, Wednesday, May 15th]

How are you doing OP? I did talk to some anonymous people about my situation and I know how you feel - I read your post and could completely empathize with you wanting to talk. There are some in real life support groups (BAN for one) that I also attended which really was helpful just to feel not so alone. Is there any friend you can confide in perhaps? I know that after awhile I felt like I could not keep talking-to the 2 IRL friends I told as for awhile it was all I could manage to talk about - it really did consume me.

You didn't indicate how long ago you discovered but it seems that you believe the A has ended. Is that correct or am I misreading?

ThisIsSoLonely, I understand his wish for an anonymous confidant as well. I was so humiliated by my wife’s infidelity that I told none of my friends and the friends of hers/mutual friends of ours that knew from witnessing some of her behavior was a source of humiliation and embarrassment as well. I could have used an external voice to talk to back then. I probably would have done better in the moment, avoiding the eventual rug sweep that I did.

Thank you so much to everyone here.

How are you doing OP? I did talk to some anonymous people about my situation and I know how you feel - I read your post and could completely empathize with you wanting to talk. There are some in real life support groups (BAN for one) that I also attended which really was helpful just to feel not so alone. Is there any friend you can confide in perhaps? I know that after awhile I felt like I could not keep talking-to the 2 IRL friends I told as for awhile it was all I could manage to talk about - it really did consume me.

You didn't indicate how long ago you discovered but it seems that you believe the A has ended. Is that correct or am I misreading?

I will look into BAN, and I am also looking into @jayjaynumb's suggestion as well. I didn't know these virtual meetings existed. Seems like when I have more time, I might volunteer to start a meeting at a time that is convenient for me. And yes, to Brittn's point, the problem with telling people in real life is that they cannot forget it, and judge you according to what they would theoretically do in a clean situation. I wouldn't ever be able to interact normally with them again with my spouse around. It would feel good in the moment, but it would then follow me around for a lifetime and become a new trigger.

The affair has greatly diminished from the few months of when it was at its height for several months at the end of last year, as measured by volume of communication and my wife's attitude towards me. But there is still an open door between her and her AP. Who is married with kids.

I'm very grateful for this community.

I can fully understand the immediate desire to have a voice conversation, and I hope that you have been able the weather the emotional storm that prompted your post here. I would also encourage you to write here. I can’t tell you how much it has helped me over the last two years. The amount of wisdom and comfort and friendship that I’ve found, I never would have believed it possible on an anonymous internet forum.

I can't seem to wrap my head around you thinking the marriage will end if you confront. Do you believe your wife will end the relationship? If there is one thing I've learned through interaction on this site, it's that the wayward spouse most times (or so it would seem) ultimately choose their spouse when forced to do so. My WW told me that during the time I didn't know, the affair was fun, but the instant I learned of it, and reality and the consequences of if came to light, it quit being fun. I'd say the odds that she'd choose you are on your side. This leads me to the second thing I had to learn and accept. That being to let go of the outcome. No shit, when I finally was able to let go of the outcome and accept either path as possible and being fine with either R or D, the stress fell away. Now I'm just over three years out from DDay and many here know my story. I still haven't decided which way to go but honestly I'm OK with that. I'd prefer a continued life with my wife, but she hasn't really flipped that switch to where I know it will happen, but I'm currently in a position where I'm OK with that. I know I can give it a little more time and if it winds up not being in the cards that our life continues together, om OK with that too. Through IC I have rebuilt my self esteem to where I know I'm worthy of love and happiness and I'm worthy of getting my needs met. If my WW can't meet one glaring basic need that I have, I can move on to someone else who can meet those needs.

My advice, tell your wife that you know about her and her partner. Tell her partners wife. Tell her she needs to choose between you or her AP, and that if she chooses you then it's NC with the AP for the rest her her life. As mentioned above, tell her you don't share your spouse. This is just my opinion based on what I've learned on SI. There is so much wisdom and support here, listen to them and trust them in that they want the best for you. Everyone here does truly care. Good luck buddy.

OP - I felt this way too, which I why I held off for so long in telling anyone:

the problem with telling people in real life is that they cannot forget it, and judge you according to what they would theoretically do in a clean situation

I was selective in who I chose - the first person I told was a very close friend I have known since I was 14. She is not a mutual friend of my and WS's - she knows him of course but they know each other only through me and if I were to never speak to WH again she also never would. I am SO glad that I did confide in her. If anything it brought us closer. And, even when she disagreed with my part she was still there for me - that's real friendship and real trust. if you have a person like that in your world, trust them enough to help you - even if they only listen. No one is going to agree with you all the time - not even on this site, but they can still lend an ear. But, if you are not ready to open up to someone you know, I would encourage you to find an individual therapist - someone who specializes in betrayal/trauma. They HAVE heard these things before, and not only will NOT judge you, but can help you determine what your next step should be, and I would think, to help you act in your own best interests.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:08 PM, Tuesday, May 21st]

@ThisIsSoLonely
I see my failure to get help and advice from friends and family as a big error on my part. Who knows how much better a resolution I may have come to if I wasn’t so humiliated by another guy having his way with my wife. I couldn’t bring myself to tell even my best friends, and counseling, in our case went no where. Maybe the advice of a mutual friend would have been what I needed. Maybe she and I could’ve reached a resolution back then instead of dealing with it all these years later. I definitely agree that anon talk with a trusted friend if he has one. Definitely do as I say not as I did situation though. 😬

@Brittn

@ThisIsSoLonely

I see my failure to get help and advice from friends and family as a big error on my part. Who knows how much better a resolution I may have come to if I wasn’t so humiliated by another guy having his way with my wife. I couldn’t bring myself to tell even my best friends, and counseling, in our case went no where. Maybe the advice of a mutual friend would have been what I needed. Maybe she and I could’ve reached a resolution back then instead of dealing with it all these years later. I definitely agree that anon talk with a trusted friend if he has one. Definitely do as I say not as I did situation though. 😬

I did explain the situation to a friend and his wife during the EA and right before the PA started, because my wife was talking about leaving out of nowhere and I was breaking down. My friend happened to text me at that exact moment about future plans, which was the reason I said something. I was in complete denial, but they correctly believed my wife was in the midst of an affair -- though she wasn't yet in the PA phase, which they suspected, but it started right after. Unfortunately, in retrospect, even though it felt good to get support in the moment, their only solution was to get me to accept the situation and encourage me to leave and start over. That's not really an option for me for some major personal reasons. So, I feel worse now that they know and will always know. I feel a degree of embarrassment and shame that they know.

[This message edited by Anon7473678848 at 7:53 PM, Wednesday, May 22nd]

Anon, I understand the shame of an embarrassment, I was the same way. Essentially, it’s letting someone know that your wife is not your own, she essentially belongs or belong to someone else against your will. Pretty big strike against our conception of manhood.

The idea that you can under no circumstances leave is going to leave you powerless in this negotiation. If you’re not paralyzed in the bed, leaving should remain an option, if she refuses to stop.

We had a perfect marriage until I became depressed two years ago and basically stopped eating because I decided I wanted to lose weight.

I doubt that your depression caused your W to cheat. I doubt that you had a perfect M, unless you mean that a 'perfect M' has lots of issues.

The feeling of humiliations is a normal result of being betrayed. To heal, you need to fight it. You need to realize that your WS humiliated themself, not you. You're the prize. The WS is damaged goods.

*****

If you enter IC, your IC is likely to be ethically bound to keep your sessions confidential, unless you show yourself to be a threat to yourself or others or a child abuser.

The fact that you're so concerned with anonymity may mean that you need to come out of hiding more than you've already done.

Your WS humiliated themself, not you. You're the prize. The WS is damaged goods.

*****

Lots of BSes come here telling us that their sitch is unique and they simply can't confront their WSes. Most find they're not that unique, and they can confront.

Among other things, if confronting your W will cause her to leave, what good is she to you?

If you're unemployed and need her income, so be it. But my advice is: check with a good lawyer to find out if she has financial obligations to you. And find out if you have a case for damages against her company.

I wonder if you would judge another man whose wife was a cheater the way you are judging yourself?

This is of course all on her. Now is the time to begin changing your relationship with yourself. Detach from the critical voice you are hearing inside, be curious about its intentions. Just be aware of it as separate to you. And then read everything you can about the practice of self compassion. And how corroding shame is. It sounds like you are susceptible to it. That can be changed too. The 180 is useful here. Try reconnecting with others, with yourself, new activities.

And your friend who tipped you off? A good friend, I’m thinking, and acting out of care, concern, and friendship for you, not judgement. A brave thing to do, IMHO.