SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is the very short version: I'll update with more details later.

My wife started an affair with a colleague in October 2009. On New Year's Eve, the OM's wife knocked on our door and accused my wife of the affair. As she brought no evidence, I told her to go away, but I then found some texts and my wife admitted the affair and ended it.

Except she didn't, because the following June I received, in the post at work, an envelope containing printouts of messages between my wife and the OM - some of them highly sexual in content - proving the affair had continued until at least May.

Fourteen years later, I've been carrying this weight around. I have maybe three or four episodes of bleak depression a year, and am just coming out of one now.

We're still married. We never addressed the affair, and that's why I'm here now.

Eric1964,

My sympathies are with you. You cannot turn back the clock back to 2009 and address your WW's affair more forcefully and with closure.

But you do have a say in what happens going forward. Do you have a therapist? If not, please find one ASAP

Has anything happened recently to re-trigger the trauma? As in, has your WW acted suspiciously or said something untoward?

Please do not feel the need to overshare information but any additional details you share could help others provide more actionable suggestions. Details such as any children? has your wife been affair free (to your knowledge) since then? etc.

I have two wonderful grown-up songs from a previous relationship.

There are triggers for my feelings, and what you might call aggravating factors.

The most recent trigger was her alluding to a time, in a previous relationship, when she had an affair with her boss (before we met.) I suppose the aggravating factor is that we stopped having a sexual relationship six years ago, and even before that it was poor. I think she is happy to have sex in new or short-lived relationships, but not long-term. As you can guess, I didn't want our sex life to come to an end.

I believe she's been affair-free since 2010 but, as for before that, I can't be sure.

Hey Eric1964’

So sorry you had to find us. It sounds Iike you swept this under the rug, but it never really went away. I agree that therapy will help you sort through your feelings and learn coping mechanisms that help.

Are you happy in your M? It sounds like it has become roommates/friends more than romantic love. When you talk to your WS about this, how does she react?

Here’s the thing. You can’t heal if you don’t address the root cause. It just festers. And you can’t make her do anything - but you can ask. And her actions after you ask will tell you if she is willing to change, or give it a real try.

What happens when you talk to her about this?

I realise that this is highly dysfunctional but we don't talk about it. We did attend marriage guidance (Relate: we're in the UK) but we never got to any root causes.

I agree with what you've said. I know I can't make my wife change: it's more about what I, myself, choose to do to rid myself of these feelings.

Hi Eric
I am glad you found us and am sorry for all that you’ve been through.
Being betrayed is a traumatic event and it needs to be dealt with care, compassion, and thought. But when affairs get rug-swept, healing rarely occurs and the betrayed continue to suffer. Even after years, it rears its ugly head and brings back a flood of emotions that are impossible to push away.
Please consider getting help from a trauma specialist. You probably have a ton of pent up resentment, hurt, and anger that need to be processed.
Have you discussed with your wife what’s been going on? Sometimes the waywards have no idea. They think all is well because the betrayed doesn’t bring up the affair.

It sounds like she never did any work on herself to become a safe partner. And the 2 of you basically rugswept. That's why you still feel the way you do. There's been no real healing.

There's a lot more to being a former wayward, than simply not cheating.

If you really want to begin to heal, you will need to go back to that time, talk about it, and she needs to do the work.

You seem to have carried the weight of her affair all these years. It is never too late to address this with her. Do you have a good therapist to see on your own? Please do that first, get the tools you need before you open this discussion with her. Your therapist can guide you better once you are in a better place, but make a list of questions from the past and expectations for the future. I doubt she’s going to want to address this, but you have to stay your ground.

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 11:28 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I've read some other threads here which I've found very discouraging, because they show me that I handled things so badly fourteen years ago when DDay happened. I did just about everything wrong: forgiving her far too soon, not getting full details of the affair, going back to normal almost immediately (we went on holiday about six weeks after.)

The other aggravating factor is that our sex life was poor before the affair, during, and after, then it stopped altogether six years ago. To quote Graham Greene, my enforced celibacy is like "the beginning of death."

Still, what's done's done, and my greatest challenge is to avoid self-pity and to forge some sort of meaningful future.

There's no reason you can't start the true reconciliation process now.

What's done can't be undone, but it can change, if she's willing to do the work.

One thing I found difficult in reconciliation is my wife herself is a huge trigger for me to think about the affair. Even though she’s been proactive in recent years and our sex life if better than ever, sometimes I wonder of I would be happier removing the trigger that bring me so much grief.

My question to you is, what are you getting out of the marriage that makes you want to stay in it? There’s not right or wrong answer. I may be reading between the lines too much, but it sounds like you’ve reached a place in your life where you need to make some changes for you that help with your depression. Have you spoken to your wife about the depression and if so, what is her reaction to it?

Hey Eric,

Sorry you are here. The truth of the matter is that you did handle the affair poorly. That does not mean you have to continue handling it poorly.

Two things stood out for me. First, she has a history of cheating. That makes her a candidate for being a serial cheater. Second, this:

I believe she's been affair-free since 2010 but, as for before that, I can't be sure.

Given that she has had two affairs minimum, a history of lackluster sex, and an unwillingness to discuss the issue, how can you be certain?

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 5:59 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

Still, what's done's done....

Yup. You can't change that.

and my greatest challenge is to avoid self-pity and to forge some sort of meaningful future.

I think you'll have to accept some self-pity. You have to accept some risk.

You also have to accept doing a lot of work. You have to choose between, on one hand, living in celibacy and unresolved pain from being betrayed and, on the other, doing some uncomfortable work to get out of pain and make good sex a real possibility. You may be able to evoke a response from your W to change in ways that will result in a great M for the rest of your lives. You may find you have to D to heal and get your sex life back.

But you can heal, if you stop rug-sweeping and make healing and great relationships your twin goals.

*****

You are not alone. A lot of people do everything wrong after an A for years and even decades - and a lot of people decide to heal long after an A is over.

Your life can be fulfilling - if you decide to make it fulfilling. That is something you really can do.

You need to deal with the affair now. For your sake and possibly for hers as well. It sounds like it will be difficult for you but I suspect that once you start you will feel better in some respects.

I would URGE you to get into personal therapy. Explore why you are willing to tolerate being treated like pond scum. It may be possible to turn your M around, but not without bold action on your part. You’ve been willing to live many years in a sexless M, despite your kids grown. Why?

You need to rephrase this. The cheating happened years ago BUT she got away with it and still does. You need to recognize the intense rage you feel. It is usually hidden by sadness but that is why you are still stuck.
Therapy with a trauma expert asap.o

Eric,

It really sounds like she was never into you sexually.

It's not too late to demand a detailed timeline subject to a polygraph after completion.

Is the OM still nearby or close enough, do they still work for the same company.

Did you ever confront the OM or put him in his place.

Does your WW still lie about other things like how much she spends etc.

It's also never too late to tell her this isn't working for you and that you'd like to move on without her.

Eric - First I am sorry you are here. This place - the best place you never want to be - really has saved me. You have received a lot of good advice that I will try not to echo as I know this can all be overwhelming.

1. You have been in joint therapy but found it was not particularly helpful. My advice is to change therapists and forge forward and keep changing until you find one that works for you.

2. Get yourself in individual therapy and start working through what this did to your sense of self worth and how you feel about life in general - it did something. It always does.

3. I will concur that it is entirely possible that she has been unfaithful since 2010 - it's also entirely possible that she has not been. It really doesn't matter - you know she has been unfaithful while with you and before so she has a serial pattern and needs to figure out WHY. You can't figure that out for her - she has to do it AND really want to (doing it "for" you doesn't count in my world).

Bonus comment (sorry if this is too much info):

I am going to WHOLLY disagree with Survrus:

It really sounds like she was never into you sexually.

No offense Survrus but from my experience as a woman it doesn't sound like that at all to me. Sure it's plausible, but see below:

Sex - my desire for sex plummeted relatively recently in my early to mid 40s. This time coincided with my WH's A - which I was unaware of so I can't blame my diminished sex drive on his A - more likely it was peri-menopause related. But I forced myself to keep to the same schedule to keep our sex life regular for him - like 95% of the time. I did not mention this to him as I figured its was not that big of a sacrifice to me and because I didn't want WH to feel bad about our having sex when I really didn't want to do it. I will also add this, although we are not married now, my desire for sex has not returned. Like at all. And I don't miss it either. When I do feel "that way" I can take care of myself and it's all good. I am NOT the first woman to have said they aren't particularly thrilled about having sex anymore (several of my currently married friends have said something similar - interestingly my chronically single friend says she's horny all the time - maybe availability has something to do with it?). I find myself jealous of those who seem to announce as 80 they are as horny as a 20 year old as I know that won't be me AND that most men would prefer that it was.

But something you said struck a chord with me: that your WS was maybe someone who could not hold the sexual excitement for a known quantity for too long - she needed newness to desire sex (and I think some of that is wrapped up in the desire to "please" and "be found pleasing" to a new lover that falls away when you've been together a long time). In all honesty, I think that would likely be me as well (and I am the betrayed spouse here). If I were to meet someone new and head down that path I think those initial warm fuzzies would make sex a desired avenue, but that in the long run I would likely end up feeling the way I do now (that I'd rather sleep and hope I have a dream about sex). Basically, first things first - a reduced sexual appetite is likely not about YOU at all. That being said, you all should have the honest talk about your sex life going forward as you have to come to some kind of workable solution for you too, as you sound miserable.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:54 PM, Tuesday, March 5th]

Hello, all.

I've just skimmed the replies to this thread. There's a lot of wisdom here. I am going to read the replies again, carefully, add a bit more detail to my story, and respond to your comments.

I had a short conversation with a therapist. She seemed to understand, and also seemed pretty horrified at my situation (and possibly my apparent tolerance of it.)

Thank you for taking the time to comment. I'll be back.