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Had an incident this morning. Police confirmed it was a false alarm. They were wonderful!!!

The kids are ok. Everything is ok, really, but I am NOT ok!

I'm not shaking anymore and I've finally eaten. But my eyes are swollen from crying.

It's shitty that I can't get into details. I just need reassurance that all of this will one day be over and I'll be able to breath easy again.

Thank God I have IC this week.

It does get better right?

Sending hugs dragon. It does end, but the truth is as long as you have children they’ll be some connection to your ex. But hopefully once the divorce is final, he will move on with his AP and stop causing trouble for you . Until then you’re going to be on or flight mode and your nervous system is going to be on high alert. do your power to soothe that when you can: yoga, meditation, deep breathing, punching the pillows, laughing your ass off with your kids while making silly cookies or something, becoming engrossed in some outdoor activity, like gardening or caring for animals.

I’m sorry that you had another incident today. Find you happy place in your mind and a hot cup of tea and try to let it go.

Until then you’re going to be on or flight mode and your nervous system is going to be on high alert

I had been doing so much better. I wasn't having panic attacks like in the beginning. I was doing OK.

Then today I couldn't even speak to the dispatcher. I couldn't get a breath in to get the words out. She was amazing, helping me to calm down enough to explain what was happening.

I just dont know how to balance being cautious and aware and safe with not living in constant fear.

The kids and I have been doing recipes we see on Facebook reels. Did brigadero (sp?)/chocolate truffle. We all agree the coco coating is nasty so we are doing it again with powdered sugar and then cinnamon sugar. Also on the to do list is a cinnamon roll, apple pie, ice cream cup. It's fun experimenting and baking/cooking together.

Dd had left for school before this mornings excitement, thank goodness. The other three kids were amazing. All of them telling me it was ok.

It's been nice months and I feel like it all just happened yesterday. I hate going backwards.

It will get better. It was years after my separation before I felt normal again. EXWH leaves me alone for the most part. We hardly even communicate.. only what is necessary to raise the kids, with the occasional BPD jumping to conclusions on his part, and a little minor digs. I ignore all. I no longer live in fear, and I no longer look over my shoulder. He’s completely occupied with his new wife, and trying to make all of his bad feelings her fault (DD fills me in).

Hang in there. Stay vigilant, but not hypervigilant.. Live your life. You will get through this.

It was years after my separation before I felt normal again.

I don't know if I'll ever feel normal. Or what normal actually is. I lived for so long on edge, always waiting for the next blow up, wondering if I'll duck in time, trying not to rock the boat.

How the heck do you heal from that?

Not pre-AHole normal, but a more stable new normal.

It wasn't until we were away from him that all of us realized just how bad it had been. The kids told me things I didn't know about which broke my heart.

I still find myself asking the kids permission to do things like i did with stbxwh. It's fucked up!

I've been told he's not stupid enough to do anything but I am terrified of him and have good reason to be. He might not do anything but WHAT IF he does? It took the police 30 minutes to get here! 30 minutes. Police did say they slowed down after I called back to let them know the person had left and they ended up stopping said person just down the road. I have the cameras, motion lights and all the doors are double locked.

I've gotten through today without crying. My eyes look better but I'm so tired.

I get what it's like but from a different situation.

My house was broken into once, and I walked in on the break-in in progress. Obviously, I didn't realize that's what was going on. I was able to get their license plate number while they were still upstairs and didn't know I was downstairs. Once they became aware of my presence, they jumped off an upstairs balcony and sped off. Turned out the guy was a career criminal out on parole. The other was his dumb girlfriend.

Once they caught up to him - thank you train for just happening to be going by and stopping him at the tracks, and went to his place, it was discovered that they had been breaking into a lot of places. I put him back in jail, literally.

It messed me up for a long time. I lived in a similar situation to yours, I think. I was secluded on 10+ acres, could only see my house from the road through one small gap in the trees. Even though I knew he was in jail, I had her to worry about. She just got a slap on the wrist and had to pay me restitution for the broken window. I donated that to charity - I didn't want her stolen money. So, I worried about her, and I worried about him seeking "justice" when he got out, and I just worried in general because my sanctity had been broken and obviously could be again, anytime. It's a scary, scary situation to be in, and it's hard to shake that feeling of being unsafe.

I should have sought IC for it then. Our insurance lady suggested it. I broke into tears just hearing her tell me about someone else's break-in during a regular insurance meeting. I was literally scared to go home every day from work, and I was scared to be there alone in the mornings before work as my husband left for work a few hours ahead of me.

Definitely take it up in IC.

Nothing ever came of my fears, so there's that. Obviously, it's even more personal for you.

SackOfSorry

I am so sorry that happened. Must have been terrifying!

A week or so after stbxwh was arrested, the kids and I spent a day with family. My cameras were not up then. We didn't get home until after 11pm. We use the sidedoor with keypad to get in.

That night it wouldn't work. When we finally got inside (had to break in) we discovered one battery had been pulled out just enough to stop it from working.

There was also evidence of someone being in the garage. Main big door wasn't locked but the door leading into the house was.

I tried to rationalize what we found in the garage and the battery. I tried slamming the door to dislodge the battery, swinging it back and forth, just anything I could to replicate the one battery. Nothing worked.

I didn't call police that night but when I gave my statement after the crown called me I informed the officer and he even said someone most likely was inside. And that person would have had to know the door lock combination.

I had been told to change the access code and I thought I had BUT what I changed was the programming code. And even with the new access code the old one hadn't been deleted. I made sure to fix that right away after that night.

I know stbxwh has been here after that but again no way to 100% prove it since my cameras don't record clearly that far away. The motion detection wouldn't be activated. Now though I have it recording continuously. The trail camera I set up near the end of the driveway was being set off so much I had 15,000 photos to go through. And come winter the batteries didn't last.

Police said he could be on the road or side of the road since it's public property and could only charge him with stalking if I could 100% prove it was him which I haven't been able to so far. Yesterday they did stop someone and then asked me if I knew that person which I don't. What worries me is that stbxwh doesn't have to be the one doing the stalking. He's got enough people he knows who live close by who can drive by innocently and give him details on what they see here. He works 10 minutes down the road. People stop along here or drive by super slow ALL THE TIME! We are do open even though we are far back from the road.

(((DragnHeart))) I felt very much like this after I left. Constantly received scathing texts or emails. He did drive by's by my house. My daughter alerted me to one time when my current partner's car was parked out front that he was going to drive back and confront him

It wasn't until I threatened him with a restraining order that it stopped, although I believe you already have this and can understand your fear as that does not seem to be stopping him.

So happy you have an IC and police you can call when he tries this. Unfortunately the kids keep us tied to these A-holes. I too often feel the "when will this all end." My kids are older 20 and 17 so my ties to him are almost severed and I am going to sell the house and move once the D is final.

I hope your Ex moves on and stops this nonsense. I would feel exactly the way you feel and have felt that.

Agree with the other posters to find that happy place and rebalance yourself. I am so sorry this happened and brings out that PTSD again. Sending you thoughts of peace and comfort and that he disappears into the ether.

I've thought about moving instead of buying him out just so we can live somewhere he doesn't know BUT the school refuses to remove stbxwh email from their parent list even with the court order stating I have sole custody so he gets their bus schedules and report cards and events reports. Pisses me off.

One thing police asked me yesterday was if wh was even still alive after they asked if he had any contact with the kids and I explained the full list of charges, why he cannot speak to one child and that the other child with a phone blocked him because he was so angry and didn't want to talk to dad anymore. I also explained that stbxwh didnt respond to my court application and the judge granted me sole custody. The police just seemed shocked that a father wouldn't even attempt to have visitation or anything.

So really it does appear stbxwh has moved on with his new family. That still doesn't make me feel like he wouldn't want to get rid of me or my kids so he doesn't have to pay child support, not that he is anyways.

Stbxwh had told me that he would never pay and if anyone was leaving the house it would be me.

I know wh is angry at me but the original charge was done by police. I begged them not to charge him. Begged. I look back on that now and feel so pathetic. I wish I had just given a full statement from the start. Hindsight is 20/20.

Hi Dragn, I'm sorry to hear this BS is cropping up again. Praying for you guys.

Thank you MIgander.

I've had vivid scary nightmares every time I've managed to fall asleep this week. They wake me up and then it's difficult to get back to sleep. In every dream I can never get my phone to work to call for help. Every dream! In one this week a group of people had broken into the basement through the garage. I had dd call 911 in that dream. It felt so real that when i woke up i checked the whole house.

I have that basement door double locked so I know no one can get in there.

I saw IC but other than being able to vent i didnt find it very helpful.

I wonder if some of the heightened anxiety triggered by your ex- asshats behavior is becoming so overwhelming because subconsciously your mind knows it’s safer and you can afford to freak out. Like, I’ve heard stories of war vets who hold it together during intense combat, but fall apart between tours of duty. It’s like your mind stored all that fear and pain in the subconscious all this time (compartmentalized). Now it is finally able to get through the panic and absolute survival mode you’ve been in and be listened to.

Like, you can finally allow yourself to actually have the panic and anxiety, anger and pain because you’re not living in fight or flight on a 24-7 basis. Just 20-5 basis, hah.

Hang in there and be patient and kind with yourself. Just as you would be with your kids. You’ve deserved way more patience and kindness than you’ve had these many years. As you’re able to process everything you’ve been through, the panic and overwhelming intensity of these emotions will subside.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, trauma work, EMDR in that order have helped me so very much. Have you ever taken an ACES inventory? Adverse childhood experiences survey? It really helped me target where to work most intensely in my therapy. Led me to target the negative core beliefs too.

It seems like a hell of a hill to climb, but you are already so strong Dragn. You’ve got this and we are all here to cheer you on.

In every dream I can never get my phone to work to call for help.

This has been a recurring dream of mine for, like, forever! And it's always a rotary phone!

If my subconscious is now feeling safe enough to allow the anxiety and panic then I wish it would stop. It is better and safer for all of now that he's gone but the what it's drive me nuts. I'm always on guard and have all the doors locked all the time.

I was on the phone with my mom today and my phone hung up 4 damn times. I know there's areas in the house that have no signal but I wasn't wandering around talking to her. That plus my phone won't connect to the computer anymore to transfer files. Man that's got me so annoyed! Something is up either with the charging cord, settings or a driver but I haven't figured out which it is yet.

In all my nightmares the phone either won't open the phone app or it fails to dial. It always causes me to get so upset.

With constant nightmares it's hard to want to sleep. When I see IC again I'll ask about EMDR and any other therapies she thinks will help.

You might want to see if during his break in he put something on your computer.

I have read most of your posts but maybe missed this. Has he been diagnosed with a PD? He sounds very narcissistic because they can NEVER lose. The constant issues you have with him sure sounds like it.

What is PD?

If stbxwh was in the house that time there's no way he could have installed anything on the computer or set up cameras or vars etc.

That much I am 100% sure of.

Even with a battery powered var, it's been 9 months and I had changed the proper codes right after it happened so there's been no way to retrieve one and I doubt it's batteries would have lasted this long.

PD = personality disorder

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My house was broken into as a child, and that fear has never left me. I have ring cameras outside and inside the house (in areas where I perceive someone would come in, but you won’t see any of us waltzing by naked from the shower). I use the Calm app to help me transition into sleep at night.

My EXWH is a covert Narcissist (referred to here at SI as NPD -> narcissistic personality disorder). I was afraid he would do something violent in the beginning. He was angry at losing the house, not me or our family. Thankfully his attention eventually became solely focused on his shiny new unicorn toy. We’ve had no contact for about 4 years now and it’s AWESOME. I do still find myself asking my new partner for permission for this or that and he redirects me that "we do not ask permission to do those things, you just do it.". I also find myself still reconciling situations that EXWH told me I was wrong about or my expectations were unrealistic, ut G5 is very in alignment with my expectations and he reinforces that EXWH was pretty out there on certain topics. I hate that the ex intrudes into my thoughts like that, but it’s getting better over time. It’s been about 9.5 years at this point, and I’ve been with G5 for 7.5 of those.

It will get better. Trauma takes time (and therapy) to reconcile and lose the triggers. I still get triggered by red cell phone cases.

You are strong and capable. Never forget that. What have you already experienced and survived that you thought wouldn’t be possible?

So...

It sounds like you've got a fear, and a good passive defenses for your home.

I'm assuming you also have active ones too. If not, you can probably pick up a few metal baseball bats at yard sales for a dollar or two and leave them around the house.

As far as panic and fear, those won't last forever. They can't. Either the situation will pass, or it'll become the new normal amd your body with adjust to the threat.

That being said, you could always join the mafia. I mean, you're a damn dragon, so they would easily take you in. Might be afraid you'd take it over from the inside, but, that's a them problem not a you problem.

Or, if the mob presense is too low, you could train your goats to attack. Combats goats. They'll never be ninja goats, but you could probably get close with a few keywords.

Either way, I'm rooting for ya!