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My granddaughters mother has just found out that her best friend… 26 years old… has been diagnosed with a benign brain tumor, and MSA. "Multiple system atrophy".

I had never heard of it, and so I had to look it up. It is a distant cousin to Parkinson’s, and ALS. It is a terminal illness. The lifespan post diagnosis is usually between 6 to 10 years… Although it can happen much more quickly in some cases. Who would think a diagnosis of a brain tumor would be insignificant. Comparatively speaking.

And so I am trying to counsel my "daughter-in-law" to be ready for the emotional roller coaster she will be on with her friend over the next few years. Based on their relationship, she will be her touchtone through all of this.

And as if the situation could be any worse, she has a four-year-old child, who happens to be my grandson. 😢

So… From time to time please send your thoughts and prayers - mojo - whatever, this way for her. And for my "daughter in law"…my grandson…and me.

So sorry, WR. Sending mojo your way.

Sending prayers.

Sending prayers.

Wow that is a difficult diagnosis. Sending mojo her way.

Whatsright - thinking of you. So much sickness and sadness in our world. My brother in law was diagnosed with tongue cancer this past week. A large mass at the very back of his tongue near his throat. I had never heard of that. Biopsies this week for him to see how far it's spread. My sister is terrified. They are raising an 8 year old Granddaughter so he's much needed.

Am I understanding this ill young woman is the mother of your grandson? I am so sorry.

Well, it’s a strange situation.

Shortly after my granddaughter was born, her mother found that she was pregnant again. Knowing that she and my son were going to have a tough enough time affording their daughter, they decided to go the adoption route.

They chose a couple to adopt the baby, but that couple dropped out. So she arranged for her best friend since childhood to adopt a baby…she and her husband. This was unbeknownst to my son. Long story.

Anyway, her friend and her husband were recently divorced, so the boy will go back to his father at her death…hopefully 5-6 years down the road.

I have never met the boy. He and my granddaughter have play dates sometimes.

Oh my, how sad for the adoptive Mom and the boy. And YOU. Maybe you could be included in the play dates. Does your son know about the child?

I hope you had a Merry Christmas and 2024 will be a much better year for you.

So sorry. Sending prayers.

oh goodness. i am so sorry.

is the benign tumor related to the MSA? or did they find the MSA because they saw a tumor on imaging?

Oh my, how sad for the adoptive Mom and the boy. And YOU. Maybe you could be included in the play dates. Does your son know about the child?

oh wow, this is tough. i do like the suggestion that you be included in playdates.

Thanks for all the kind support.

Yes, my son does know now what happened with the adoption. He actually believes that this was the plan all along… And that the original couple was not real somehow. My grandbabies mom‘s kept the adoption of the baby by her friend a secret from my son for a while. My son and her friend were not very fond of each other and she was afraid he would say no I guess. She came to me and admitted it to me. We had long conversations about it and she admitted it was very very wrong. That’s pretty much water under the bridge at this point.

It is quite disturbing to know that there is a grandchild out there that I’ve never met. But it is going to be a pretty big mess. I’m assuming he will be with his mom and grandmother most of the time for the rest of his mother’s life. Then he will go to his father. After that there is some concern about whether or not the father will keep the boy in touch with his grandmother… his mother‘s mother.

So I’m guessing that there will be enough strangeness and confusion in that little boy’s life from here on out. It has been a struggle to know that he exists in the world and I don’t have a relationship with him. But at this point I’m not sure it would be a positive thing to introduce another person into his life. He is about four years old right now, and has been through quite a lot.

When I found out that my granddaughter and he have been having some play dates, I have imagined a time that I might come into contact with him. I most definitely would not tell him that I’m his grandmother and confuse him in that way. So I’m not sure whether it would be best FOR HIM for me to enter into his life at this point.

I am so deeply sorry to hear this. Sending lots of love, strength, and peace to each of you. I’m so sorry ❤️

Whatsright, have you thought of trying to establish some sort of relationship with the adoptive father? My thoughts are you would only enrich this little boy's life, not confuse him. My feelings are a child can never have too many grandparents. He wouldn't have to be told you are his bio Grandmother until he's older.

Jeanie…that is a possibility I guess, but I have never met either of the parents. They are going through the final divorce papers now, as well as legal papers to ensure the mothers’ mother will have rights to be in the boy’s life after her death.

I have always greatly appreciated the fact that there has been no involvement from 2 of my boys’ birth families. My oldest searched out his biological family - very respectfully to my H and I - at age 18. I think he was very curious, but soon realized that his birth father was a disgusting pedophile, and his birth mother was a drug addict/alcoholic. He has kept in touch with some of his many, many birth siblings.

I would go ahead and see if the adoptive mother would allow me to meet him before she becomes too ill. But in that case, it would be hard on him if his father, after her death, no longer allowed me to see him.

I’ll consult my granddaughter’s mom to get her impression. I don’t even think my son has ever seen him.

Adoption can be an amazing gift to all. Also can cause pain and confusion in that little boy’s life. It will be a difficult decision. Also, I don’t know if the adoption was "open" or "closed". I know that my granddaughter has play dates with him every now and then, but I don’t know if that is allowed in the adoption papers, or just on the "down low".

Thanks for your support.

***Oh, and to t/j my own thread, please send prayers/positive mojo to my granddaughter for this coming Tuesday. She is having her tonsils removed in an effort to hopefully suspend symptoms of the PFAPA condition that she has. She is sick so very much has already missed lots of school. I am a nervous wreck about it… Just thinking of her being "under". And also because they are sending her home directly after the surgery. I had hoped they would keep her in the hospital overnight. I know, I know… A grandma’s worry is often without logical basis! 😏

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:49 PM, Sunday, December 31st]