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Greetings SI Community,

Our first 3 years after D-Day were hard. Around the 3-year mark, FWH started making major changes. He made healthy rules to live by (physical and social), started revealing his vulnerabilities/inner sadness (very new), started IC again, and found religion (I don't mean that lightly - it has really changed him).

My question is, how do you move forward when the person is so vastly different? With so much change, I'm afraid to get attached to the "new him," because it might not be long-lasting.

My guard is still up. He wants more connection, and I'm holding back. For 14 years these roles were reversed - I wanted connection and he kept me at arms length - plus 3 years of post-A debris. Being rejected that many years makes it hard to just jump in!

Has anyone else struggled with this process?

FWH became a different guy for me too. I can't say vastly different. No new religion. But, fundamentally changed. He is revealing vulnerabilities, much more patient, not just with me - but with everyone, takes time to express appreciation, and is very involved in us.

That being said, I can sympathize with being afraid. I'm afraid that something might be going on that I've missed. I think that is normal. A's make us distrust everything, especially ourselves. Can you make baby steps to bridge that gap with him? I wouldn't jump in, but maybe dip your toe in. Start small. I'm struggling with really listening to the new version of my FWH without responding or assuming that he hasn't changed. I'm trying to be more present in the moment, but I struggle with catching myself responding to the older version of him.

I think any of us are allowed to keep our guard up as long as necessary. I think that the healing timeline is very unique to each person’s recovery, so I wouldn’t never want anyone to aim for vulnerability until they are good and ready to do so.

I would also say it took me three years of consistent behavior from my wife before I started to believe it, it also took that long before I felt strong enough be vulnerable again (it takes the effort by both partners to get to that point).

Eventually, my choice became about the M I wanted. I only want to be married if it is a healthy, happy M or is building back to a happier union.

It’s absolutely still a leap of faith, even if an R is going reasonably well.

I also understand YEARS of rejection, my wife was that way while keeping the A a secret for nearly 18-years.

However, if I was going to give the relationship a shot, I wanted to really try and NOT stay somewhat miserable behind the massive walls I think we all build after betrayal.

Again, I wouldn’t make that jump until YOU feel ready and observe those changes a while longer to see if they are temporary or not.

Maybe tell him you appreciate the changes and tell him what you told us — you hope the changes are real, you’re just not sure yet. If his changes are real, he will show some empathy for your pain and understand your hesitation.

My guard is still up. He wants more connection, and I'm holding back

As you should be. And,if he is making positive changes he should understand that.

3 years of difficult attempt at reconciliation, on top of the lies and betrayal of the affair, is a very long time.

Your walls won't simply come down because he's finally making changes. They will gradually come down,as time passes, if his changes are real.

Do you like the person he has become ?

It might be hard to adjust to finally have the person you wished he was all those years to actually having that person appear.

Your dynamic with him may take major adjustments on your part.

Keet, does he typically go all in on things and then drop them after the new wears off? If so, I agree that you're right to be wary.

On the flip side, if he really has had an awakening and is authentic about wanting more emotional intimacy and connection, you might be denying yourself what you've always wanted by holding back. Something you could do is to decide to give him the benefit of the doubt and "cross that bridge when you get there" if it turns out you were wrong. That was my mindset. I totally get it if you're not willing to do that.

Have you done MC? If not, it sounds like the perfect time to start.

You are further down the road than I am. I am approaching year 1.

However, I also notice that recovery & reconciliation has allowed my spouse a new level of vulnerability. After 30 years together, I have learned things he never shared before. Like you, I struggle to really let myself feel open to this new person because it means letting go of the person who utterly broke my heart.

All I can say is this. I came across a video on YouTube that said the thing I needed to hear. I will share it here:

Trust is an act of courage.

The question is whether or not I can be brave enough to do it. It's not a weakness to trust again when you do it with a full awareness that you are vulnerable and can be hurt. It is a profoundly courageous act.

You need to be ready to take the risk he is asking of you. When you are ready, understand that you are not weak, but strong. There is nothing, NOTHING braver than opening yourself to someone who has the power to hurt you.

I am trying to trust again. Some days I am brave. Some days I am not. The fact that I am trying is heroic, and I will cherish that strength in me, whatever comes next.

You are trying to do the hardest thing a human heart can do. You are still there, 3 years in, so it sounds to me like you have some real courage in you.

Reckless, that’s gorgeous. Thank you for sharing.

It's not all or nothing. I let my W earn back some trust, and then I opened myself up a little. MOre honesty led to more trust.

Also, I'm all for testing WSes in straight ways; I don't like 'catfishing', for example. Every time I let myself be vulnerable, I knew I could get hurt, but it was the only way I could think of to know where my W was. That is, if I was vulnerable and she used that as an opportunity to be dishonest or to hurt me, I'd have known she wasn't quite as good a candidate for R as I thought. Since she never did exploit me after d-day, I kept thinking she was a great candidate for R.

Has anyone else struggled with this process?

Yes, I suppose we all have to some degree. You don't know how much of the old person who betrayed you is remaining in the midst of all of this change.

You are certainly not alone there. I think we are all more guarded after this type of thing. Probably permanently so.

Has anyone else struggled with this process?

My XWW went through something similar. She made a lot of changes, so much so that I really didn't like her anymore.

This isn't a topic that comes up very often on SI. Most betrayed spouses in R seem to embrace the changes they see. I did, too, at first.

It would take me hours to describe it all, and I honestly don't want to think about it. In short, I think she over-compensated, reaching for anything and everything to emiliorate her intense feelings of guilt and self-loathing.

I also have to say that going through such powerful trama changed me as well, which, undoubtedly, played into our rapidly deteriorating relationship.

I cannot thank you all enough.

I logged in and read replies (some through tears), and they helped me think through answers to questions you posed, to think about what I've been doing and not doing, and what FWH has been doing an not doing. In sum, I think FWH finally, around the 1 year ago, moved past his shame, moved past trying to fill his time with "appropriate" activities, and started rebuilding himself as a person. He was raised in an emotionally neglectful home, which his counselors explained from day 1 of IC and MC. In his home, people weren't inherently worthy of love, and they weren't worthy of forgiveness. He didn't understand what unconditional love was (and didn't recognized it from me), because he didn't have it as a kid. He also couldn't accept/forgive himself, because he'd never gotten that as a kid either. (He hurt him the other day when I said I hate his family, but I really, truly hate them.)

At the beginning of 2023, he was trying to check the boxes for being a good person, but still carried this inner self-loathing; he was quick to defend himself on the smallest of things, because he was falling back into what he had to do as a kid to survive (but which was BAD for R); and he said the emptiness inside would never be filled, that he'd tried to fill it with X, and with Y and with the A, but that he couldn't rely on me to tend to his never-ending emptiness, and that it'd never be filled. Then he found religion. He'd been exposed to the church, but he'd never "felt" it before. He finally felt the unconditional love and unconditional forgiveness that religion gives to so many people. Although I'm no longer Christian, I had a similar awakening a long time ago, and I am beyond happy for him.

Happy for him? Yes. Ready to embrace a whole new person? Almost. I have loved all the changes, the growth, the new person who is emerging, but it's scary! He is the kind of person who sticks to things, so I don't think the changes are temporary. If anything, he's fumbling through the process, and slowing realizing what a dick he was before, and becoming more committed to this new reality. It's a reality in which he's genuinely patient, caring, and not quick to defend himself when no one was even attacking. He's becoming a better parent, because he's more emotionally present. It's not all roses. FWH does lapse sometimes - not the A, but his old attitude, his hard edge and defensiveness. It's flashes of insecurity here and there. I acknowledge it, I offer kindness, but I don't take crap anymore. I had to work on myself in that area, and I still am working on it.

My existential a question has been whether I'll embrace the new him, which I had trouble even articulating in my initial post (it took a while to write). As I read your replies, I realized I've been frozen. I've been going through the motions of being together, but I've been holding a part of myself back. Just realizing that has changed the way I am. When he comes home, my muscles don't tighten up. It's almost like my lizard brain (part of my brain that stores the trauma) finally realized he isn't a threat. That sounds dramatic. He never hit me, but he is the source of the worst pain and suffering I've ever experienced. My infant son died in my arms, and my FWH's betrayal caused more trauma than that loss. My son was going to die. He had a heart defect, and nothing could have saved him. My lizard brain learned to accept that. But the A was something entirely different. It destroyed my sense of reality, and it's still recovering.

I think this is my first real progress for my lizard brain. Since starting this thread and reading your replies, my body is different. I'm physically and emotionally at ease. I haven't felt this way in so long - 13 years or so. Before the A, there were other forms of emotional detachment in our marriage from FWH's emotional baggage. As one of you said, I'm finally getting the person I'd wished he'd been. It's just taking me some time to adjust, to not brace for myself for something betrayal, defensiveness, attitude, whatever.

My recovery has had major milestones. This conversation with you is a milestone. I can't thank you enough! The next step is to explain this to FWH. He can sense a difference. I think knowing the details will help him support and settle into having the new version of me.

Thank you again for sharing!!!

Oh my - yes.

My timeline:

10/1/17 - D-day 1 (A with married coworker - the OBS also worked with WH and AP - and WH was in their wedding - fun)
10/1/18 - D-day 2 (false R - A basically never ended)
Sometime in March/April of 2019 - D-day 3 (More false R - A ended until January 2019 then resumed)
Summer 2019 - WH begins IC in earnest, weekly and continues through end of 2022, then changed to once a month
2020 - we divorce but stay living together due to COVID (I had planned on moving summer of 2020)
Spring 2021 I buy house and move out

I am currently in what I will call as self-imposed limbo. We are not married now. I bought a house which takes 3 hours, by plane, to get to from where he still lives. We see each other infrequently but we talk on the phone all the time. We are doing what I refer to as rebuilding our friendship - and we have. I do like this guy my WH has become. My WH is VERY different than he used to be - more open, MUCH more willing to talk about hard things, easier to recognize his own faults and to apologize when he thinks he needs to.

The issue is, that there are some things about my WH that have not changed - and that need not change to be a better person - that I find I DO NOT LIKE. He IS moody - and he can be super grouchy at times - yuck. He is messy - this has always been the case and it used to annoy me sometimes but now - now I can't stand it. He is lazy about certain things - and I find that irritates me to no end. All of these things before - I knew about them - I just overlooked them/didn't let them bother me. Now - now all these things annoy the living shit out of me and I find I have little tolerance for them. If he seems to be in a crap mood when we talk on the phone, I will ask him if things are okay and if he declines to tell me what his issue is I just tell him I am going to let him go whereas before I would have really "babied" him or let him continue talking to me in his shitty mood even though it was not enjoyable for me. Not anymore.

Am I worried that the old him is going to return? No. Not really. Not because it can't happen as it certainly can. But I know what I would do if that happened, and it would be an easy decision (not an easy process emotionally as he is one of my best friends - but I know now I would not waffle about staying or going - I would be gone and his number would be blocked - done and done). The problem for me is if he is the guy for me - if all of these flaws I overlooked before that now drive me batty are worth it, especially in light of the pain and misery I dealt with by sticking it out. I don't know - but I'm okay with the unknown BECAUSE I have a plan for me in place if things don't work out, and honestly I think that is healthy in any relationship, even the best ones.