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My WH's AP was single at the time of their A (The AP was a mutual friend of us both, what a friend ), however shortly after it ended, the AP got into a relationship that is still ongoing. Needless to say I highly doubt the AP revealed to their current partner that they had an affair with a man in a relationship with someone they called a "friend" shortly before they got into their current relationship.

The AP's current partner is also someone I know. We aren't friends, but we are acquainted.

I've rolled the idea in my head of letting the AP's current partner know about this, but I wanted to ask SI: Does this information really matter since the AP wasn't involved with this person until after the A ended? If it doesn't matter I won't bother rocking the boat, but I thought I'd ask.

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 8:30 PM, Thursday, February 23rd]

I wouldn't say anything.

The AP was single so no OBS to tell.

That's what I thought, but wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. Thank you

My advice is to ALWAYS tell the OBS, or SO.

But this boyfriend wasn't either of these things.

So, no, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell him...HOWEVER, if you run into him,and he mentions anything about her,or tries to make plans to get together, I would absolutely let him know exactly why you aren't friends anymore.

I'd tell.

My plan is to tell any of Wh new partners about his infidelity over our wedding and when I was pregnant with his child. I'd want to know type of man I was starting to date.

This is a tricky question, though. How short was this time period between her affair and her new relation? Is that time period less than a year? Do you think she is still an unsafe person? Would informing her boyfriend not affect your healing process? and if you are reconciling with your husband, will it not affect your reconciliation process? and, how good is your relation with her bf? Do you think he will believe you? If the answer is YES to all these questions, then you could inform him. I mean, you could put yourself in his position and see if it would really help you if someone had informed you of your partner's past yet very recent infidelity.

I don’t think you should tell AP’s new partner because the new partner wasn’t the OBS and you would essentially be breaking contact with AP for no reason.

Also, the fact that you feel compelled to meddle in her life even though she’s no longer involved with your husband gives her centrality that she doesn’t deserve and might even give her a bit of satisfaction to think that you’re still preoccupied with her.

But as Hellfire said, if AP’s new beau mentions her to you and asks how you know each other, by all means, be honest.

P.S. I just remembered that you’ve had multiple Ddays and after the last one you vowed that you would be giving your husband a third chance. What’s the status of your relationship now? Did you decide to give him another chance after all?

I was in the same position as you.

The AP was single.

So, there's no OBS to tell.

Thank you all for your advice! I've decided not to tell them unless they reach out to me about the AP in any way.

@BluerThanBlue

No, I'm not giving them another chance. We're moving towards separation. Very difficult for me emotionally after over a decade with only this person..But I'll get through it. I'm only just 30 and I have plenty of time to find someone who will treat me better :,)

It's always a bit weird to me, why is it that when you are going to possibly buy a house you would want to know if the roof leaked? Or if you are looking to buy a car you would want to know if it is a "lemon".

Yet when it comes to letting another human being know really pertinent information about someone that they are getting into a relationship with we just won't tell someone else cuz..... why???? A house or a car you can maybe fix, but you are knowingly keeping information away from another person who may be possibly go into a long term relationship with someone that we know has HUGE problems, yet we feel we should not tell, cuz its just not right? Or cuz that would make us look petty or weird.

I am just saying...it's so ass backwards. Too personal, too hard to talk about, but we are basically letting someone buy a house or a car with HUGE problems and is damaged and just not telling them. Or if you do have a way of telling them somehow, the other person thinks you are strange or have a problem or you just should not do it.

People and life are so weird.

[This message edited by realitybites at 1:30 AM, Friday, February 24th]

@realitybites

I see your point, definitely.

My point of view is like this: The AP wasn't with this person during the A. They got together sometime after the A, say within a few months. Is it my responsibility to let every partner of this AP know that they suck? What makes it my responsibility in this case? (Honest question, not a hypothetical).

AP's partner also isn't a friend of mine, I simply know of them.

I would tell them but be prepared for AP to reach out to you. Would that impact your healing ?

My point of view is like this: The AP wasn't with this person during the A. They got together sometime after the A, say within a few months. Is it my responsibility to let every partner of this AP know that they suck? What makes it my responsibility in this case? (Honest question, not a hypothetical).

My thought process is the same.

Yes, there are several reasons why one should inform the OBS during an affair, but in my opinion, the main reason is to give them agency.....agency that their AP an my WS were actively keeping from them. Both the OBS and myself have interlopers in our relationships, so we have a direct say.

If I knew of a house that leaked, or a car that was a lemon, is it my responsibility to inform any and all who are interested in these items? Although I no longer have involvement? I don't want to see anyone get suckered, but what if an AP learned some hard life lessons between their affair, and the start of a new relationship? Is it right to potentially sabotage, on my own provocation at this time, a relationship that may work?

But, like it was mentioned, if you were approached by others, and asked what you thought about, or what happened in your relationship, why wouldn't honesty be the best answer? Then they can draw their own conclusions.

I am inclined to not say anything until the apparent situation develops where the relationship is moving towards a more permanent bond.

Sort of leasing a car that has been through a flood but "repaired" so it works while you lease it but??
Would you want to buy it? I think not.

So is the AP "repaired" or still carrying the subtle damage from "the flooding?" - Flooded cars are too damaged for repair - so 'drive them till they fail' - hoping you get your money's worth.

Well, people are damaged mentally - kind of like the unseen damage festering in a flooded car.

Is the AP "really" no longer susceptible to cheating? I would wager 100% - as in their DNA

So I agree with two of the previous posters - find a way to tell such that the info is not directly traced to you as the source to avoid a confrontation and other entanglements brought about by publishing the truth.

Another way to look at the situation: Would you tell someone not to walk near water where alligators reside?
See the recent news where an 85 year old woman dragged to a drowning death by a 10 foot long reptile.

I pretty much agree with Hellfire - not saying anything is a bit of condoning of cheating activity.

Hippo16

It's always a bit weird to me, why is it that when you are going to possibly buy a house you would want to know if the roof leaked? Or if you are looking to buy a car you would want to know if it is a "lemon".

Let's say WonderingGhost (OP) tells this boyfriend about OW's past and he breaks up with her. OW then finds a new boyfriend. Does OP have to tell this next boyfriend, too? When does it end? Is OP's new life's mission to protect every single person with whom OW might be romantically involved? And is she obligated to police her soon-to-be ex's dating life in the same way?

To reiterate what has already been said, if the OW had been cheating on the boyfriend's watch, or the if the OW were still trying to interfere in OP's life and her marriage, then telling OW's boyfriend would absolutely be the right and necessary thing to do.

But right now, OW is leaving OP alone and OP is in the process of separating from her husband. OP's focus should be on creating her own new and better life, not meddling in someone else's.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:31 PM, Friday, February 24th]

Then there's this scenario: OBS broke up with partner and has a different partner. You need to be very sure that you're clear on exactly who cheated on OBS, if you choose to tell them. (It doesn't look like that happened in WG's case, though.)

If this was a good friend I would, but I agree to let this go because it’s not an OBS. However, this is a broken person with no morals so it would be nice to warn him what she is capable of, but a distant acquaintance isn’t worth the drama.