SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I found out about 2 weeks ago that my partner of 8 years had been having an affair (for about 10 months) he is yet to admit it.

The affair partner has told me everything and in all honesty I do believe it all, it all adds up.

He says she was just was a friend (a friend I had never heard of!!!!) and that it was nothing, someone to talk to.
I obviously don’t believe this.

He says he loves me and wants to be with me with.
I do understand that he could mean this and he could have huge regret with what he has done and can’t face the shame of having to admit it as it then becomes real.

Has anyone had this, where their partner will just not admit it even though the evidence is there?

I have spoken to a therapist and we are seeing them next week, he has suggested that my partner sounds as though he is in the denial stage.

I just don’t understand why he keeps lying, why can’t he just show me the respect I deserve and tell me the truth.

This has been the worst two weeks of my life, I feel like my whole life has been turned upside down!

He's not in the denial stage. He's in the lying,cover his ass stage.

I just don’t understand why he keeps lying, why can’t he just show me the respect I deserve

He hasn't done this for months. He's lied thousands of times,and there's been zero respect.

Don't go see a therapist. There's zero need. Therapy only works when you have a remorseful, honest partner. You don't have that. It's a waste of time and money.

He's continuing to lie because you are allowing it. Stop allowing it. Schedule a polygraph, and tell him when you pull up outside the office. It will give him zero time to research how to fail it. Tell him he either takes it or it's over. But mean it. You can not just pretend it didn't happen,and stay with him.

If he's telling the truth,he will jump at the chance to take the test.

Even if he admits it,follow through with the test. There's more. There always is.

In the meantime,no sex. Get tested for stds, and insist he do the same.

You are really speaking to the crux of the pain when a partner betrays and then doubles down by also lying about it.
This is so very painful.

Sadly, it's common with cheating partners and the reasons they keep the lies going--even after being caught--are varied:
-they don't want to lose the relationship with you and are fearful they will of you know the whole awful truth
-they want to keep both relationships going because this approach has been meeting their selfish needs
-they've been in such a pattern of deception to carry out the affair, it's like a habit to lie
-they have lied a LOT to themselves and don't want to really admit to themselves how awful their behavior has been
-they are worried others will find out (family, friends, co-workers) and it will, of course, damage their reputation in the eyes of others

Lying runs deep with waywards.

I regret not drawing a much cleaner boundary with my husband after Dday 1 and 2. He was panicked and lying and I should have separated from him.

I truly believe that, if I had separated early on and shown him I would not put up with the lying and deceit one second more, he would have been much more truthful much faster. Instead, the lying drug on for 8 torturous months and did SOOOO much more damage to our relationship.

What didn't work for me?
Pleading tearfully for the full truth
Pleading angrily for the full truth
Speaking calmly and rationally about why I needed the truth to heal
Him promising me that he had really told keep everything
Me playing detective and showing him more proof
Him starting individual counseling
Us starting marriage counseling
Hours and hours of conversation

What did I fail to do in all of this?
I failed to show him that I would truly end our relationship if he didn't start WILLINGLY telling the truth and breaking this long habit of lying.

I'm not saying separate to play a game to get him back.

I'm saying love yourself enough to separate to protect yourself from this person who you now know is wildly unsafe for you emotionally. (He will cheat on you and then he will add to that emotional abuse by lying to your face about it and hurt you to protect himself).

If you separate, you don't know what the outcome might be and that's scary. But you deserve better. You deserve a partner who won't hurt you to help themselves.

I just don’t understand why he keeps lying, why can’t he just show me the respect I deserve and tell me the truth.

Although you totally do deserve that respect, betrayal--at it's core--is a supremely self-centered action.

Your partner is thinking more about themselves than you...and they have been for some time in order to cheat.

They may pay lip service to how much they love and respect you, but their actions are showing you that they are still self focused.

Your partner is not unique in this. It's a common focus in all waywards. If they were truly empathetic, how could they cheat in the first place?

When I found this site ages ago, it seemed that all of the advice I read was to 'take care of yourself'. And I thought "What the hell does that actually mean?. How is that going to get me out of this nightmare?".

But what I learned, as you will too, is that once you care enough about yourself and your boundaries, you will start to enforce them. The all-encompassing fears will start to subside. I tell you this, because you need to start respecting yourself enough first.....then the pieces will start to fall into place. You will learn that letting go of the outcome, and not accepting 'less-than' from your partner are major pieces of reclaiming yourself.

Let me give you a quick example---I'll assume that you can't imaging life without him, and are scared to 'push' him away. If that is really the case, then the solution is simple--just be quiet, and be happy that he is still here. Go to counseling, and ask what YOU can do to keep him happy. Never mention this other woman again, as it upsets him. And if he starts showing suspicious behaviors again, just ignore them. This way, he will be happy and stay.

Doesn't sound like very good advice, does it? Maybe the truth is that while you are scared of potentially losing this relationship, the above is really a much worse situation. That's what your gut is telling you. That is why you can't accept what is happening, and to let it go. Nor should you. THIS is where 'working on yourself' becomes crucial to your future. You need to believe in yourself, with confidence, that NO RELATIONSHIP is worth sacrificing your own values. You can't control him, but you sure have control over yourself. So what do you really have to lose by standing up for what is right? Potentially losing a partner who does not value you? Or maybe the preferred result that he will see that you will not tolerate his lack of respect, and have some sort of epiphany?

No matter what, nothing gets better until YOU get better. You have to start by going back to the basics.....valuing yourself.

He's continuing to lie because you are allowing it. Stop allowing it.

Agreed.

I'm saying love yourself enough to separate to protect yourself from this person who you now know is wildly unsafe for you emotionally. (He will cheat on you and then he will add to that emotional abuse by lying to your face about it and hurt you to protect himself).

Agreed X2.

He's not in the denial stage. He's in the lying,cover his ass stage.

THIS!

Brace yourself for the Trickle Truth stage. Just remember. While he may be selling the bullshit, you are under no obligation to buy it.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I discovered my WH affair through finding some very telling emails.

The proof was there about him meeting the OW in a hotel. Yet he denied it. I didn't show him the evidence I had. Both he and OW told me they only kissed. The emails revealed they had been in a hotel room together and "barely made it to the bed." Yet both of them denied it.

Many cheaters deny at first, they just kissed, nothing ever happened, they are just friends. It's like they read the same script from what we call the "Cheater's Handbook." Deny, gaslight, blame, etc.

Does the OW have proof with photos, emails or texts or phone logs that she is willing to provide?

How exactly did you find out, did the affair partner contact you?

In all honesty, you don't need to see a therapist together. He needs an individual one to figure out why he betrayed you and you need your own to process this trauma. The relationship isn't broken, he is.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this

My WH of 13 yrs said the exact same thing in May 2022. She’s just a friend and I’m her support system. This was also someone I never heard of. Well there’s a reason for that. The affair was about 9 months until his death. I spoke to the AP before I confronted him. He completely denied it. I had solid proof of the affair. A few weeks later, my WH passed away.

Let me tell you… your WH is lying. Trust me when I tell you he is not sorry. He’s sorry he got caught. IMO when someone cheats on you like your WH, he is saying "IDGAF about you". I’m almost certain if you didn’t find out, the affair would continue. Please believe this affair will continue intermittently. Is this someone he knew from his past or someone new?

In my case after my WH passed away in June, I had possession of his phone which revealed the entire affair, other affairs and how he truly felt about me. I was shocked and still in shock.

Please know I understand what you are going through fully as I’m currently in therapy for trauma.

I would definitely get tested for STD just in case. Not to make assumptions, but your WH May have had other affairs you didn’t know about. You just caught him this time.

I know it’s very difficult and very painful. In
my case, I didn’t ask my WH for a confession after giving him two opportunities to do so. I told him immediately that I was filing for divorce. Whatever you do, do not allow him to blame you for his choices.

Be kind to yourself.

Your partner will continue to lie. You most likely could show him photos or video evidence if the affair and would deny it.

My experience - my H had a 4 year emotional affair (EA) that he refused to admit was an affair. I KNEW it was going on. Yet he denied it.

It finally ended and it was swept under the rug.

15 years later he had a midlife crisis affair. It was way to start this affair b/c there were no consequences from the first affair.

What made a difference the second time was me. I wasn’t a doormat and I didn’t rugsweep this affair. In fact I told him we were finished and I was now D him!

Yes we survived it. Yes my H has changed. However we are lucky b/c my H made some serious changes. On his own. He stopped lying about his affairs and now understands the damage he created.

I hate to say it, but if your partner continues to lie, then you probably should not be in a partnership with someone who chooses to lie rather than be honest.

He loves the life he has. He has you has his AP or AP’s. He maybe doing thing with his AP. But he knows the AP is a cheater and not wife material. Someone fun to play with. But not to live with. AP May not want to leave her family so he is going to be by himself
It’s easer for a married person to have an affair. An unmarried person wants to be together with someone, harder fo find a partner

Stonewalling is one of the cruelest things a WS can do to their betrayed partner. It is ALL about covering their ass and protecting themselves and their AP.

My WH put me through this after I had suspected for quite some time that there was someone else. I tried to question, to communicate and each time was reassured that there was no one else, that he loved me. Then in December of 2015 I found something that made it undeniable there was something going on. I began paying close attention and digging and every time I confronted him with new evidence he would sit in stone cold silence. This went on for 3 months.

He only confessed to infidelity when I figured out who the AP was. Those 3 months unraveled me mentally and physically and I would plead as I cried for him to just admit it.

I feel for you and hope you get the answers you need to try to begin to heal because at 6 years out, I barely was told anything. My WH shut down talks and refused to answer anything. It has left me in a perpetual state of limbo and led to many emotional tirades from me over the years. It adds to the pain of it all and makes me wish I could go back in time and go about the whole thing differently.

Get your answers and if he's unwilling to do so you need to seriously think about your next step. Don't, and I say this with good intentions, wind up like me.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 4:57 PM, Sunday, October 2nd]

Those are the exact same words my UH said in the beginning, "just and friend and just someone to talk to". It was five months before I found out it was not just an EA but a PA as well, found out from the affair accomplice. They lie, and lie a lot, doing a lot of coving their own ass. I agree with doing the polygraph. How he responds to that will be very telling. I'm sorry you are here, this is the worst place to be.

Whafdoido,

I agree with everyone on here. The advice that these individuals have given you is invaluable to you. I would also like to add that one of the reason why he wont admit the truth is because he doesnt know what the truth is. He has been caught up in so many lies that even he doesnt know what the truth is. He has been living a double life for so long that he believes that he can continue to get away with it by it by denying. He is completely lost coz hes been sneaking and lying to you for over 10 months and thats been his truth. So if he continues to lie to you and deny then he will continue to get away it. But you are no fool and you will not be treated like a fool. You know very well with solid evidence everything he has been up to. Hes been having a full blown affair and everything your brain has thought of has happened between them. Dont be sucked in by his sob stories of loving you and wanting to be with you only. Yes that may me true but right he is using these words because he has been caught. He doesnt mean them at all right now. He is not honest and is definitely nowhere near remorseful. I agree with everyone who has said you need to seperate from him so you can think for yourself and so he knows exactly what he has done and so he can finally admit it if he truly wants to make this marriage work. Do not rug sweep. Be kind to yourself. You deserve respect which he has not shown you as of yet.

Hi @Whafdoido I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain of betrayal in your relationship, doubled with not knowing the full truth of the situation.

If your partner is still refusing to admit to the affair after seeing the therapist, would you consider setting up a meeting with the affair person with your partner present and confronting him to see is reaction. I think it would be harder for him to deny the affair with the evidence staring him in the face, but you will have to be emotionally ready to do this.

In my own experience, my H didn't deny it outright but also tried to downplay the affair. The unfortunate reality of infidelity is that the affair might not mean much to the offending spouse but to the BS, it can be heart breaking.

Please be gentle with yourself and remember no matter what has happened, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.