SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, new guy here. My wife dropped the bomb on me last night, told me that she’d had sex with a friend of hers a year ago. She says it was a one time event, but I’m wrecked. We’ve been married for 17 years, and we’ve had struggles, but it always seemed like they were the type of thing that we could work thru. Infidelity has always been close to an immediate deal breaker in my mind, relating to my father being a cheater and generally just the value I place on marriage. I’ve always wanted marriage to be a very close and intimate relationship and cheating would be (and now is) the ultimate betrayal of that. So I guess now I find myself in a situation testing "ideals" that I never thought I would have to. I don’t know what to do. I’ve read this forum for a while. I found it based off some retroactive jealousy concerns, but strangely enough the timing lines up closely to when she slept with him. Maybe I intuited something was off.

What do people do practically? It seems like in the short term I have no real choice but to share a roof with her. I could bum a bed off friends and family for a while, but that would get old pretty quick, it seems.

Like I said, I’ve read a decent number of stories here. I’m dreading being one, but I do admire this community. Glad its here, sad to be here.

Very sorry you find yourself here. Your WW has confessed which is good, but your reality has exploded. Most importantly, take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise, stay away from alcohol and drugs. Get tested for STD’s. It is common for a WS to minimize the infidelity at first. There may be more to her infidelity than she first confessed. Read in the healing library. If you can, see an attorney to learn your rights. Do you have children? If so you need to consider the impact on them of any decisions you make.

If her AP is married contact his OBS promptly. She deserves to know the facts of her life. All of this is unfair to you. Take no blame for her infidelity. You’ve just found out so make sure to focus on your healing. There will be time to figure out your next step, whether it is D or R. If she is still seeing her AP, implement the 180 and do not do the pick me dance. It never works. Good luck.

Thanks. What is the 180? I’ve heard a lot about it, never really looked into the details.

I’ve read enough here to know that more tends to come out with time. She said it was once, that they used a condom, and that she has been tested negative for STD’s recently. But I should probably get checked myself, shouldn’t I? He’s a married man himself, but I have no idea what his or her sexual history is, and a condom isn’t a 100% prevention even if it was used. I can’t believe I’m having to write those words.

I’ve asked for a detailed written timeline. I let the OM’s wife know last night. She asked for no further contact.

Hulk,
You’re a little early for final decision. But how did she happen to drop the bomb on you??
My suggestion is you hold off on the 180 stuff until you figure a few more things out. You are unlikely to fill in the blanks for yourself by doing the 180.

Looks like the OBS isn’t going to be much help in filling in the blanks. Seems like she already knew and didn’t bother telling you.

Once you get the timeline , the first thing I’d do is tell her, not ask her, that a polygraph test will verify that it was only one time and only guy . You’ve been reading here so you know the odds are not great you got the entire truth

Her reaction itself to your demand will tell you a lot in itself.

I would also suggest that until you feel confident you have the truth that you stay away from therapists. Reconciling without the truth does not work too often

Good luck to you

Does anyone know if deleted text messages can be recovered on an iPhone? She says she deleted all the correspondence.

InkHulk:

About halfway down the first page of this JFO forum that you are posting on, are several great threads for newbies including the simplified 180. Take the time to read this thread and others that may help you. There are also some very helpful articles and definitions for new BS in the healing library. The 180 is for you to get some space and not engage in the pick me dance.

It is excellent that you contacted the OBS promptly.

Stay strong and keep posting. Others will be along to help.

[This message edited by fareast at 1:24 PM, June 28th (Tuesday)]

How old is your wife?
Does she work?
What got the cheating started? They had to have been communicating for a while so the PA is not the only cheating there had to be an EA.
Do not take her word for the amount. WSs always lie.
I think the other BS found out, threatened your wife and that is why she told.
Take a breath. Get out of your house and exercise. You need to get rid of the stress and walking, running, biking can help.

It's rarely ever "just one time" and even if the act itself was only once, there was a mountain of deceit and betrayal that lead up to it.

Do you have kids? That (and a shared business that would have ruined us both if we'd divorced) is the only reason I stayed. Today is the 7th anniversary of my WH "big" D-day. I still think of it every. single. day.

Just know, that if you stay, no matter what she does (and it likely won't be enough - cheaters are selfish, self-absorbed, short-sighted - not really conducive to deep introspection and growth) or how much you love her, you will never, NEVER look at her or your marriage the same way.

Make sure to not accept the excuse of "it just happened". The sexual encounter was planned. No married man carries a condom with him unless he is planning to have sexual relations.

She has always had huge issues with self worth, and a incredibly strong shame and guilt reaction with almost any criticism.

She met this guy with a new hobby she took up. She wanted to cultivate interests outside the kids and house and I encouraged that. It should have been healthy. I trusted her fully, never suspected.

She confessed after a night where we had had a fairly significant emotional breakthrough and I had introspected a pretty significant way I had hurt her years ago. Again, she doesn’t communicate things, so she just let it fester. It was a very emotional time and I think she felt overwhelmed by guilt in that context. I think that is why she confessed.

I have no reason to think the OBS knew and was outing her. It’s possible, but I doubt it.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 9:31 PM, Wednesday, July 6th]

I don’t know how to feel about the condom. I agree that it eliminates the "throws of passion" defense, it shows intentionality even if the sex wasn’t specifically planned. It was at his house, she was there to practice for this hobby. I never knew she was meeting him alone at his house, I never kept tabs on her that closely and even if she was going there it wouldn’t have been suspicious as the asshole’s wife was also involved in this hobby

And then if that wasn’t enough: after this hook up she traveled with OM, OBS, and their kids so she could act as a nanny for them for a big event with this hobby. I had been very understanding of this hobby, but this seemed like too much to me and I didn’t want her to go, even without me knowing about the affair. She did it anyway. How could she look at that woman and those kids?

I’ve been following the saga of Dr Strangelove on this forum since it began. I have great sympathy for that guy, and his eloquent descriptions of his wife resonated strongly with me, reminds me a lot of my wife. Holds grudges, won’t talk, feels entitled with a very comfortable lifestyle and thinks (as we say in our house) that she is the donkey with the heaviest load. Despite all that I’ve loved her deeply and sought after her affections. I guess it’s the "pick me dance", but before the cheating I think that is just wooing, right?

To finish the thought on the condom: there is a piece of me that is slightly less disgusted thinking he didn’t *** in or on her. Not sure if that can help if we go for R.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 9:33 PM, Wednesday, July 6th]

Sorry you have to join the community....

You should work under the assumption that it was an ongoing affair and not just a one time thing. The first draft is usually a very watered-down version of events.

Secondly, try not to speak and think in absolute. Such as, this marriage is over, or I have to try.

You will oscillate back and forth between the two or three options.

As a once BH, I'm comfortable in saying that most of us handle things poorly. For all the poor choices made immediately after, I believe the worst is doing nothing or commitment to forgive and move forward.

It may take months or even years to get a true picture of what actually happened.

Usually its revealed slowly thru mistakes or misspoken words.

Honestly, this is worse then the actual cheating and can drive you crazy.

I seen that the 180 was suggested, its a great idea, but not if its used to manipulate behavior.

Best advice I got when in your position is to grab a life raft grab your kids and paddle your ass off up the river towards a new life without her, its up to her to figure out how to get in the raft.

Its a long journey my friend, no matter what path you choose. One step at a time, looking for the finish line makes it an almost impossible trip.

Sorry you found yourself here. If you've followed DrStrangelove's saga, you know you shouldn't feel a need to make a decision immediately even if pressed by your wayward. You both need IC to get the individual healing started. For your WS, NC is non-negiotable. That means her new hobby is toast as you can't rule out contact there.

Does anyone know if deleted text messages can be recovered on an iPhone? She says she deleted all the correspondence.

Possible but not likely. Restoring a backup before she deleted them might help you. In most cases if there is an ipad or watch setup with iMessenger synced to the phone, apple doesn't sync deletes consistently so that's another route.

She is a stay at home mom. She has always had huge issues with self worth, and a incredibly strong shame and guilt reaction with almost any criticism.

The other requirement would be working hard with her IC to fix the self worth/shame/guilt. I'd require her to find employment even with the understanding that just opens up additional chances for her to stray. Right now you are still in denial. The anger will come soon enough. The resentment of being the sole provider to someone who was cheating is going to drive that up hard. The odds are against marriages surviving infidelity, so a step towards her self-sufficiency is worthwhile for both of you.

Other thoughts:
Make her get tested again.
Get tested yourself.
DNA test your kids.
All of the above is because the one thing certain of waywards is that they can and have lied to you. Their word is worthless.

Many won't agree with this advice, but I have come to the point after going through this mess myself and reading countless similar stories that any act of infidelity by a WS should trigger a polygraph exam and DNA testing of the children just to drive home the point that what the WS did will not be rug swept nor will that person's honesty be respected.

You only need two or three questions on a polygraph such as 1. Was this your first affair during our marriage? and 2. Did you have sex more than the ONS with the AP? The threat alone of a polygraph could elicit a confession. It has been known to do that.

In order to consider R, you must know the entire truth. That should be your first step.

The fact that your WW traveled with the AP and his OBS after the ONS raises a red flag. Did the OBS know of the ONS? Was there something going on regarding a possible three-way? You indicated that the OBS did not want further contact. Did she provide any useful information as to what was going on? What was her reaction? Did she just blow you off? Maybe I am jumping to conclusions but something stinks.

[This message edited by src9043 at 9:48 PM, Tuesday, June 28th]

I contacted OBS thru FB Messenger, but we aren’t FB friends so I wasn’t sure she would get it. But she actually sent a text to WW saying she got the message, that she had talked to OM, and asked for no further contact from us to give her room to think. I think it’s weird she replied to WW, but then again OBS doesn’t know me and might just not be technologically adept. Not sure, but I did just ask WW if OBS was involved somehow

I'm fairly confident it was the other guy, which means your wife gave him a heads up.

Like you, when betrayed you want answers, and since you have more answers than her she would ask a few questions, unless it was involving her. Thats slightly odd given the response to have spoken with him about it.

Why do people stay married after infidelity? I’m a pretty religious person and I take what the Bible has to say about marriage very seriously. But even there infidelity is a valid reason to divorce. I hate what divorce would do to my children. I am the product of divorce and it was traumatizing. But she just destroyed the marriage. I think I’ve had some sympathy for the "stay together for the kids" approach, and not really bought into the "staying together in conflict is just as bad" argument. It seems pressing to know which is true, or at least more true than the other one.