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Just Found Out :
Another one bites the dust

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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:00 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

DKT3, I don’t understand what you are saying about it being the other guy. Are you saying he may have intercepted the message and the OBS may not know still?

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8742353
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 10:02 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Yes sir

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 10:04 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

If your wife gave him a heads up, which putting the puzzle together would suggest, he would have been monitoring her communications.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 10:08 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

I personally thought about staying for the kids. BUT when I was finding it hard to respect thier mother(internally, I never let it out) I knew it was time for a change.

My kids were much young.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:10 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

It’s possible. I have asked WW if OM was tipped off the confession was coming and if his wife was involved in the sex. I never would have thought of that. I hate to think that I even should have to think like that. But I’ve seen this forum be right time and time again, and I know I’m not in a good place to be discerning. But also how do I keep from going tin foil hat conspiracy theory crazy?

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 10:11 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

She is a stay at home mom. She has always had huge issues with self worth, and a incredibly strong shame and guilt reaction with almost any criticism.
She met this guy with a new hobby she took up. She wanted to cultivate interests outside the kids and house and I encouraged that.

Regardless of what you decide R or D, I think you'd be wise to send her out to get a paying job. If you do decide on D, it will mitigate your support payments and if you don't, she can "cultivate some interests" which bring in cash for the family.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5750   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8742359
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:19 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

How do you copy text blocks to reply to them?

I agree that her getting a job at this point is the right call, she already mentioned she was looking, she understands what a precarious position she is in. My job has given us a comfortable life on one income, not crazy lavish but definitely upper middle class. She’s looking at a future where she has to start fending for herself when she hasn’t been in the job market in 16 years.
Half of our wealth is hers. The law says it and I feel that way, she invested in our children and I will always value that. I have no idea how spousal support works, I’m sure she’d get that. But our standard of living will tank if we separate.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
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Dkt3 ( member #75072) posted at 10:19 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Unfortunately the tin foil hat is coming.

Very few of us thought then the way we think now. Experience showed us not to put ANYTHING pass a WS.

As the saying goes, cheater lie. Even the most well intended WS.

Not to generalize too much, but cheaters need to control information, this is what causes the crazy.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Aug. 3rd, 2020
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:25 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

I'm not going to try to convince you one way or another on R or D.

I will tell you, and I've posted it many times before, that when you finally test what you thought was a black and white boundary, but then decide it isn't (which you don't have to decide right away, maybe it IS a dealbreaker, and you are just trying to figure that out for now) there is a reckoning you have to deal with internally. You have you really and truly believe that you are resilient and flexible, not afraid and spineless. You need to decide that what you thought was a core value, is in fact something just short of that. You don't lose your integrity but it feels similar, and I've called it "losing something integrity adjacent".

I chose to R because of practical reasons, and presumably, but I can't be sure since I wasn't tested harder, that my wife was actually turned down by her AP when she tried to take it physical. She definitely did try though.

That said, you mentioned "retroactive jealously".

Let's be super clear, that applies to guys she had sex with before you ever met. You don't have retroactive jealousy for an AP. It's not really even "jealousy" because that implies some level of impropriety, that you THINK your wife is giving some other guy time and attention and you don't feel sufficiently secure in your relationship, so you "get jealous". No, this is something else entirely. Righteous anger.

Harness it, it isn't bad for you.

As for not going crazy:

1) full electronic transparency (phone, email, all passwords, location), all communication that hasn't been destroyed
2) a complete written timeline, optional (has proven effective) polygraph to confirm
3) individual therapy for both of you

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 10:36 PM, Tuesday, June 28th]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2028   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

I’m Sorry you had to find out about your wife’s affair.

Here are a few thoughts from someone who has reconciled (9 years ago was Dday) and we are happy. We are one of the lucky ones.

My H had two affairs - one 4 year EA that he denied (but I knew all along) and the last one was an EA turned physical and he was planning to D me for the much younger OW.

Then he decides he wants to R but at that point (in my mind it was too late). The damage was done and there was no turning back. I have children and at that time I had to decide which was more important. I decided I had to come first. I could not "stay for the kids".

It might be too soon to make a decision on whether you D or reconcile. However you need to know that for some people, cheating is unforgivable and the marriage is over. It’s not something they can live with.

And if that is you, it’s ok. I thought I was one of those people. I had a hard time reconciling b/c my instinct was to cut and run. I thought about D him every day for almost a year. He was doing everything he could to make amends but I just was having a hard time.

What you need is a plan. And a support team. Good counselor for yourself. Good lawyer or mediator. Minister or religious leader if you are inclined. Good friends & family to lean on. I had an exit strategy after dday1 just in case. I also did the 180 for months while I tried to figure out what to do.

My 180 was I kept my distance for 60 days (while we both were living in the same home). I only ate meals with him if kids were home. If they were not home - I ate without him. I was polite in front of kids. I didn’t cook his meals or do his laundry. No errands. No favors. No helping out.

I took a huge step back. I had my own social life just for me. He was not welcome or invited. One time I was at a friend’s house and he showed up. Boy was I annoyed. I went there to escape him (at the time).

It won’t be the same marriage. Just so you know. Things will change. Things will have to change. You will change. The cheater had better change lol.

I hope it works out for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 10:35 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

I agree with other posters. First things first: detailed timeline verified by a poly plus dna testing of your kids. There’s a 100 percent chance that you don’t have even a fraction of the truth. You’re right now relying on a proven cheater and lier for the truth. You should ask for the timeline and poly immediately, as BR said, and observe her reaction.

I can’t tell you how many times a BH has ignored the advice to do a poly, only to find out the truth later, when they eventually came around to the poly idea.

Once you have the entire truth you can then start to think about decisions.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8742371
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 10:43 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Hi InkHulk, welcome, and I’m sorry you find yourself here. Others have provided you with great information and advise, so I’ll only speak to your question about recovering messages.

If she has an iPhone and uses a laptop or computer to sync her phone, you can download recovery software that will pull from the iTunes backup file as well as from her phone. The iTunes back up files are better from my experience.

There are some free recovery programs available, but the ones you pay for tend to be much better. I was able to find a fair amount of information from running a free program and running it on my WW’s iTunes backup files. Every time she sync’d her phone, iTunes creates a backup file. I wouldn’t get your hopes up that you will find anything but you may get answers you are looking for.

posts: 787   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8742376
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 10:48 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

If you poly, include a question about whether or not they used a condom.

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3438   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8742379
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

The retroactive jealousy comment was accurate. It related to a boyfriend before she and I met. She has been my only lover. We have lived in a Christian tradition that values preserving sex until marriage. That is a long story in itself. Cliff notes version is that she disclosed that to me very early in our dating and I made the choice to overlook it. At the time she expressed a lot of regret and I believe strongly in the importance of forgiveness. I’m sure as hell not perfect. So we went on and fell in love and got married and I figured if that needed to be talked about that we would do that like mature adults. But she never did. And our sex life has been bad almost our whole marriage, with a few exceptions. Long story short, we have just been in the process of her being able to process that and admit that it was rape and abuse. And that isn’t just a religious guy wanting to rewrite history to frame his wife as pure and virtuous. The guy raped her multiple times and she felt like she had to marry him and it was disfunctional as all get out (please no thread jacking about religious beliefs). She just recently told me that our wedding night basically triggered trauma from that sexual abuse and between that and my sexual inexperience, we went down a road of complete dysfunction ourselves. And she refused to introspection and deal with it, largely just placing the blame on me over and over again. I have a great deal of sympathy for her in the rape trauma. But our terrible bedroom resulted in all kinds of conflict when it should have been connecting passion. So long story long, the retroactive jealousy was the only thing that drove that into the daylight after about 16 years. And before yesterday, I thought we were on a path to relationship greatness. I could see it, taste it. And now it’s all ruined.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

How do you copy text blocks to reply to them?

Hi light and copy what you want to quote, paste it in the reply box, hi light it again then hit the quote button.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 453   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8742381
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 10:58 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Hi light and copy what you want to quote, paste it in the reply box, hi light it again then hit the quote button.

Thanks!

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8742382
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 11:02 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

She says she didn’t give him a heads up that she was going to confess. I’m going to dial back the conspiracy suspicions on that topic. I may circle back around with OBS in the future, or maybe she will to me.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8742383
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 11:05 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

WW also says it wasn’t a threesome, that OBS is an actual OBS.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8742385
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deena04 ( member #41741) posted at 11:34 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

Can you send a certified letter to be signed by that spouse? That can maybe assist with making sure she gets the message and he did not intercept it. Do not, I repeat, do not tell your wife you are doing that. Since she never actually responded to you, you can play dumb to knowing anything about a response at all. Send it certified and ASAP and keep it quiet.

[This message edited by deena04 at 11:35 PM, Tuesday, June 28th]

Me FBS 40s, Him XWS older than me (lovemywife4ever), D, He cheated before M, forgot to tell me. I’m free and loving life.

posts: 3201   ·   registered: Dec. 22nd, 2013   ·   location: Midwest
id 8742390
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 InkHulk (original poster member #80400) posted at 11:52 PM on Tuesday, June 28th, 2022

I will tell you, and I've posted it many times before, that when you finally test what you thought was a black and white boundary, but then decide it isn't (which you don't have to decide right away, maybe it IS a dealbreaker, and you are just trying to figure that out for now) there is a reckoning you have to deal with internally. You have you really and truly believe that you are resilient and flexible, not afraid and spineless. You need to decide that what you thought was a core value, is in fact something just short of that. You don't lose your integrity but it feels similar, and I've called it "losing something integrity adjacent".

Thank you for writing this, it feels wise and real and I think I needed to hear it. Sorry for what you had to go thru to learn it.

posts: 89   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8742395
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