SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, I hope you are all having a lovely Easter holiday and enjoying the sunny weather. I haven't had any free time at all in recent months it seems, and this is the first day all week I've been able to not work on my schoolwork. I've been on spring break all week from my teaching job but it's been very stressful for me because I've been spending it trying to catch up with all of the work I have and all the new requirements they've had us do recently. These paperwork tasks never seem to end! The students have also been more disruptive and disrespectful than ever it seems. There's been a rumor going around that they're trying to get rid of me, and I can't stop thinking about the possibility of losing my position here. I also don't know where the rumor is originating, but I do worry it might be from a male colleague I'll call Mr. Perch. He's the same colleague who has been really mean to me, and seemingly more meaner than ever to me this year. He literally spends hours each afternoon hanging out in the principal's office after school every day, gossiping and talking to her. I worry about what stuff he might be telling her about me, such as lies and the same false accusations he's hurled at me when I see him in the copy room after school. I really hope he's not trying to sabotage my position here. I've seen what happens when people lose their positions before. They don't necessarily get fired/laid off, but they do have to go through this whole interview process all over again for a different school in the same district that has a vacancy for a teacher with their certs. I really don't want to have to go through that. I've been at this school for 24 years now, and I haven't had to write a resume or attend an interview since! A lot has changed in 24 years! So that has been compounding my stress, hence putting my nose to work all week and really trying to catch up with all of this paperwork. I really, really cannot afford to lose my position here, financially or emotionally.

Then there's R., my sort of boyfriend. He hasn't been much of a boyfriend lately. He's been grumpy and usually we make Easter plans but this year he's been trudging his feet on it. I asked him this morning and he grumbled something about how his mom isn't feeling good so she probably won't have people over for dinner. I asked if we were still getting together but he said "I'll let you know" then never did! Why is he doing this? Do you think he's seeing another woman? I worry this because in the past when he broke up with me for a summer, I found out a year or so later that the reason he broke up with me (or more like, he just stopped calling me and making plans with me) was to chase after a new woman in his neighborhood who he was giving motorcycle rides to all summer long. I worry, and with summer approaching, I am so relieved to have a break from work but it's also a trigger for me because of how he met someone else 8 summers earlier.

At this point I've already reached out to my brother about maybe meeting up at his house for dessert following the Easter dinner he's hosting for his in-laws along with his wife and kids. How should I respond to R.? Am I wrong to feel like I'm being taken for granted? Or should I have more consideration for his report that his mother not feeling well? Should I be sending flowers and a card to his mother to show my sympathy?

How disappointing! I'm sorry to hear it.

I asked him this morning and he grumbled something about how his mom isn't feeling good so she probably won't have people over for dinner. I asked if we were still getting together but he said "I'll let you know" then never did! Why is he doing this? Do you think he's seeing another woman?

I don't think there's enough evidence to say one way or the other if he's seeing someone else, but there IS evidence enough that he's not considerate of your feelings. I do think there comes a point at which we have to ask ourselves if the relationship is acceptable or not. While it's true that a loved one's illness might provoke some anxiety and upset of plans, it's still no reason to stand you up on a holiday, right? So yeah... it's suspicious, but it's also RUDE. I think if he wants to be your boyfriend, he owes you an explanation on why he didn't call when he said he would and what was more important to him than you were.

I'm not sure where you are located, but you may want to express your professional code of conduct. Colleagues are not to gossip and disparage one another. And they are absolutely not to do this to management.

He may or may not be pursuing someone else but he doesn’t sound like he cares very much about you or that he is invested in your relationship.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:13 AM, Monday, April 18th]

I remember your story. This guy has always treated you like an option,never a priority. And I think you're being quite generous calling him a former wayward, because he's done absolutely no work on himself.

He's a jerk. You need IC to work on your self esteem,so you stop accepting crumbs from this man. Otherwise, you will never be in a healthy relationship, with a good man. Because a good man will come along, but he won't bother with you,because he knows you have a "boyfriend."

And,yes,he is probably seeing other women.He probably never stopped.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:18 AM, Monday, April 18th]

You are making yourself a part of his life. He’s not making you a priority in his life. He never has.

Get yourself some professional counseling to help with your job issues. Having someone to talk with MAY help you reduce some of the stress and anxiety.

Challenge yourself. Watch for the next 2 weeks to see if the BF calls you. Do not call him under any circumstances.

If he doesn’t call you. - you know there is NO relationship. And you can move on.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:40 AM, Monday, April 18th]

When a boyfriend is grumpy and non-committal towards you, the way to respond is to dump him. Yes, he is probably either seeing or pursuing someone else. If not, he's at least considering dumping you and has little patience with you. Either way, it's clear he does not love you. That is why you should dump him.

I agree with others. I don’t know if he’s pursuing someone else (though it sounds plausible/likely), but it’s clear he doesn’t care about you at any level that can sustain a long term healthy relationship.

Hello - I remember you (and this guy too).

Job - Just keep doing your best. I suspect the principal knows exactly what type of guy this is if he is hanging out each day being petty! You have your track record and reviews from 24 years behind you.

And if the worst does happen? Well, I found out that the stuff I thought was the most devastating turned into a great new chapter.

Ad for your BF - Whether or not he is looking at someone else is irrelevant (or secondary). The fact that you are not a priority is enough to next him. If someone wants you in their life, they will make the effort. Sadly, he is not.

Sidenote - did you ever read He is just not into you? I always recommend it to anyone who has dipped their toes into the pool (or is just considering it). It is a VERY easy read. Steve Harvey also has material out there that would speak to the ways your BF is acting.

I am not sure I would reach out to his mother (unless you are close but then you would know she was not feeling good). I suspect his excuse was pure BS and it will just put her in an uncomfortable position.

Thanks, everyone. I agree he's grumpy and doesn't treat me well. However, I can't just abruptly throw away over 20 years with him. I've definitely done the ignoring him thing -- for example, I ghosted him cold turkey for a full week after I caught him from afar making out with a OW in the nightclub parking lot I'd just left minutes earlier, same nightclub we'd been hanging out at together earlier that same evening. He eventually responded to the ghosting by tracking me down when I was out jogging, chasing after me, and begging me to give him another chance. Each time he's ghosted me in the past, I respond by ghosting him back and assuming we're now broken up. Always he returns and reminds me of how his best times of his life were with me.

He's right. I can't just throw that all away, so fast! He's the only semblance of my much happier past life I have left. I don't have my parents anymore (both passed from health problems in their elder years around 15yrs ago), I don't have kids, I don't have many friends left these days--due to lack of free time from my job to go out with them, and the only relative I have any real contact with in recent times is my married brother who has his own full-time career and kids, and lives an hour outside the city. When I do vent to him during our phone conversations, he frequently downplays my job problems. He mocks my job's relevance by saying thing like "aw you have to go teach the 'kiddies'" while reminding me how much more responsibility he has at his job as a financial analyst and advisor, handling millions of dollars at a time for corporations. Even recently he told me something really hurtful, he said that he thinks I have an easy life but make my problems sound bigger than they are for attention. That really hurt. I didn't want to talk to him anymore after that. I only saw him and his family on Easter because it was the holidays. Even then he invited me for coffee and dessert but said they had a full head count already for dinner. I guess I should appreciate what he gives at this point.

"He's a jerk. You need IC to work on your self esteem,so you stop accepting crumbs from this man. Otherwise, you will never be in a healthy relationship, with a good man. Because a good man will come along, but he won't bother with you,because he knows you have a "boyfriend."

I have a friend who I used to work with (until she got involuntarily transferred to another school in the district, the very thing I'm fearing right now) and still talk to. She tells me that too, more frequently than ever lately. She keeps trying to get me to meet new men. But I just don't feel comfortable with that. For one, she's married so I find it offsetting that she wants to go along with me to help me meet men. For another, she keeps suggesting places outside my comfort zone like bars I haven't visited before. She also refers to R by a certain derogatory word for a male body part, which is coincidentally another nickname for R's actual name. I admit it's funny sometimes when she calls him that in her private conversations to me but it's also rather rude. I'm too busy and stressed with my job to have time to go out like that anyway. I'm not sure how she has more free time when she is also a teacher but also has two children at home including an infant. In fact, I'm not sure how most people seem to have so much free time on their hands when they claim they work so hard at their jobs.

As for therapy, I admit I grew up with critical parents who degraded any importance of therapy. They mocked it as something for "quacks". I always thought I already had a good handle on my mental health by handling it myself. I swim, I run, and I listen to my favorite music as sources of therapy. I put my all into work to eliminate the risk of losing my job, something more common than ever in my district, with all of the school program restructurings and shifting locations of teacher vacancies. I might consider talking to a therapist but the whole think just really feels very awkward to me.

Hi TJG,

You have spent 20yrs with a BF who couldnt care less to take care of you? Who shuts you out of his life to the point where youre not close to his mom and he makes out with other women when youre supposedly out on a date?

Would you tell your friend in a similar situation to sign up for another 20yrs of this?

It sounds like, from your family situation with your unfeeling brother and dismissive parents that you have been conditioned to accept crumbs all your life.

Go get the IC. The IC can teach you how to cook your own meal so you dont just have to survive on other people's crumbs the rest of your life.

I think IC is awkward any time you start up with one. I got a new one at the beginning of the year and the PTSD eval put me in a funk for 2 months. Pushing through now and am doing SO much better identifying and processing triggers.

Bottom line, its awkward, but sooo worth it. Like training for a half marathon, it sucks the first 2wks back from a break in running, but if you push through, the work gets easier and the benefits are realized.

Youre a teacher and my mom was too. From what I remember, my moms insurance was the gold plated policy that got us through my dads cancer and death debt free. If you have good benefits, put them to work for you! You deserve love and care. Care you have likely lacked most your life.

As for your brother, what an unfeeling jerk! His job is stressful and more important? The nerve! You are shaping the future society we all will live in. Humans who will be running his company long after he is gone. Sorry, people matter more than money. I am sorry you have a brother who doesnt understand that basic concept of being a human.

As for your job, it sounds like you are being harassed and working in a hostile work environment. Are you a union teacher? If so, I would document the incidents, what was said, where they happened and in front of whom. If you monitor it for a month, you will definitely have enough to make an official complaint. You can also document that the situation has been distressing enough that the resulting anxiety has spurred you to find an IC. Make your union work for you. You pay dues for a reason. They exist to serve you, not the other way around.

Wishing you strength. It is not easy to learn to be assertive after years of being treated like a doormat.

You deserve better. You deserve love. You deserve care. You deserve RESPECT. Go and get it.

From the sound of your original post, I thought you hadn’t been with him very long, maybe a couple of years (including your last split) but not more than that.

But you’ve been with him for 20 YEARS and he is blowing off holidays with you?! Furthermore, you need strangers on the Internet to give you insights about the possible thoughts and motivations of a man that you have known the George W Bush administration?!

You are succumbing to the sunk costs fallacy. You will never get back the 20 years you already spent with him. You also can’t prevent him from dropping you again, which could happen tomorrow, next month, or maybe even years from now. So why waste a precious second more?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:05 PM, Monday, April 18th]

What I'm about to say will sound cruel. Please know,that's not my intention.

When I was in high school, I had a friend who dated this guy. Except,it was on the basis of whether or not he was with someone else at the time..she was the "sometimes" girlfriend. If he was in between girlfriends, he would date her. She loved him. He didn't love her.

Your situation reminds me of that. He doesn't love you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:12 PM, Monday, April 18th]

I'm a teacher too. Contact your union. In my district, they cannot administratively transfer a teacher without prior notification of an unsatisfactory performance. There is a teacher shortage, so I am not sure you have to worry too much in any case.

I am sorry you have a toxic co-worker. It sounds like he is a bully, who finds weakness in others to exploit. Ignore him and do your best for the kids. Admin and your other colleagues will notice this and respect you for it. I had a similar situation and this strategy helped a lot.

Your brother's stupidity is reflective of the lack of respect teachers get in the U.S. It is why we are underpaid and overworked. He sounds like a complete anus. If this is indicative of the way you have been treated by your family, you should get some counseling to help you learn that you are worthy of being respected and worthy of having people around you who love and support you. I am sorry that you have to tolerate such utter bullshit from your own family. I had to cut ties with my mother because of similar comments. She was hypercritical as well. It took me a lot of work with a good counselor to find my own self worth. The time and money spent doing this was well worth it. It is probably the best thing I ever did for myself.

With regards to your BF. What do you expect from your relationship? He sounds like he is incapable of being who you really deserve. If he has not done any work on himself, he will very, very likely cheat again. Please remove yourself from this unhealthy dynamic. You deserve someone who wants to lift you up, not tear you down. Just because he chases you down to tell you that you are his one true love does not mean he is capable of actually loving you. The time you have invested is secondary to your happiness going forward.

I don't think anyone here is telling you anything new.

This isn't a healthy relationship. Even if it's had some good times, it will NEVER be a healthy relationship. He's not invested enough for it to become one. He only acts invested long enough to reel you back in.

You deserve so much better than this. I hope you can learn that someday rather than wasting precious future time. Time spent in the past is gone forever. Investing further based on that is the sunk cost fallacy. Your future time is yours- choose wisely what you spend it on.

I am also a teacher. Have you checked/made contact with your union rep about possible options?

As far as IC, I spent at least an hour this morning searching for an IC my insurance covers. It was a bit overwhelming as there were so many pages of options on the insurance's webpage. I reached out to a few friends who have been in IC. However, their appointments are at least an hour away from me. Another challenge is finding someone who isn't a former student, nor a parent of a student. It is a challenge at times to live in the same community in which you teach!
My parents were also not in support of any type of mental help. My mother especially was not supportive at all when I was growing up. So, I became used to not being treated well and "just putting up it."
I've finally reached the point where I am tired of always feeling sad and that nothing is ever enough. Yes the process of finding a IC is a bit challenging and just thinking of talking to a stranger about personal things is daunting, however not getting help hasn't gotten me anywhere.
Take a chance and find someone to talk with.
Good Luck!

I remember you.

And that guy is keeping you on a string for his own amusement. I know you've invested 20 years. I'm sorry he's not who you want him to be. He's treating you like a convenient afterthought. You don't have to continue to allow it.

PS - send the flowers to yourself. You are most deserving.

I remember you as well. It doesn't sound like anything has changed.

If you want things to change, you're going to have to be the agent of change. Personally, I would dump this fellow and block him from all methods of contact. He doesn't care about you--that's painfully clear from his actions. Stop accepting the crumbs he tosses you and hold out for a banquet.

Get yourself into IC and figure out why you are allowing everyone in your life to treat you poorly.

Take a time management class and carve out time for yourself. Start a new hobby or revive an old one. Be open to meeting people.

With regards to your professional issues, I would definitely talk to your union and find out what the district can and cannot do. Your colleague is a jerk, and I would start documenting everything he does and then bring up the issue of him creating a hostile work environment.

But only you can make these changes. And I would hate for you to waste another minute on this guy. He doesn't deserve it.

Cat

Jogs sending you a (((hug)))

I cannot recommend IC enough. It really is life changing and helps you see things clearly. Please do this for yourself. You need some support and empathy. A safe place to talk.

You deserve only the best.

Sending you prayers and strength in this difficult time.

However, I can't just abruptly throw away over 20 years with him.

It is much better than throwing away 20 more years with him.

I grew up with critical parents who degraded any importance of therapy. They mocked it as something for "quacks".

I understand your hesitation for IC given your upbringing. However, look at it this way: You tried it their way. You are now in a unhealthy, long R with someone who doesn't value you and manipulates you.
You have a work situation full of anxiety.
As Dr Phil would say "How is that working for you?".
If you want something different, you have to do something different.
There is nothing wrong with having a trained professional help you navigate here. Please consider it.