SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry this post will seem disconnected. I can't believe I am writing this. My husband told me he was in love with someone else just a couple days ago, right on Christmas. The other woman is his coworker. He defended it saying it was not an emotional affair - that is- until the next day when I forced him to read an article on what an emotional affair is. I told him I needed to see the messages he sent the other woman to figure out when it started as he only admitted to two weeks worth and he "Drew the Line" at that saying the other woman had messaged him things in confidence and he could not allow me to read it. Apparently me leaving and locking a door to get space was not allowed though, as he got the master key and let himself in to confront me on my obvious anger. I eventually learned this affair has gone on for three months - during which we were trying to expand the family (per his suggestion). I guess thankfully at this point my PCOS kept me from conceiving?

He kept trying to blame the affair on things he had problems with in our marriage. All things that I had pointed out and asked to work with him on before he started his affair. It was apparently easier to talk to her on those things than it was to talk to me, so he began pulling away and messaging her constantly just a few days before our son's 4th birthday -and also my birthday- which are both in October.

When my husband finally gave me his log in credentials for their main chat I found that it took at least a half hour to get through the amount of messages those two would send each other in one day alone. They messaged from when they got up, continued frequently throughout the day, and only stopped when the other went to sleep. That he could (and did) cheat the whole day away while I and my son are sitting right there with him on our Birthdays, during meals I made for him, over thanksgiving, while we'd be with other friends, and even during all Christmas activities...no amount of me pointing out he needed to stop worked and he used his excuse "I'm concerned for my FRIEND." When I warned him he was crossing boundaries, said he was always on the computer messaging her instead of being with us he just brushed me off and ignored me or said he had to talk about work. Nothing I said about letting her get help elsewhere if she needed it, cutting back on work responsibilities, or being present for our family got through to him.

To add insult to the obvious injury I'm feeling, the Christmas gift he gave me - the only "surprise" (was on a list of things I wanted) I got- was selected by my WH and the other woman. He normally does well at Christmas and gives loads of well thought out surprises. He instead decided to use that spark of holiday cheer for surprises for our friends, and for her. He didn't even help me shop for our son's Christmas gifts...and had the balls to insult what I got our boy without knowing what they were.

There is a part of me that disconnects saying "this can't be real" and then I'm flung back into reality. I broke down and told a family friend what was going on, and told the other woman's husband. My WH wants to keep it as "down low" as possible due to possibly losing his job. I've been a mostly SAHM for our child since that is what WH wanted for our kid, and I've even had to cut down on my side business due to pandemic/childcare concerns. All this just to support him and our family making his job the primary income. For more context: we are childhood sweethearts who got together when we were 12. We've never dated or been with anyone else. We're in our mid thirties now, married, with a kid. He brushed off every warning I gave saying "it's never happened before" and that "since I'm (WH) asexual it's not like I will do that."

I can't believe that a man with no sex drive found a way to cheat on his wife. I feel pathetic for believing in him, trusting that he wouldn't stray even when I saw the signs. Believing that he would listen to me when I warned him he was going too far...What the hell do I do with this?

He defended it saying it was not an emotional affair

He told you he was in love with her but it wasn't an affair? That's called cognitive dissonance. Both of you need read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. She specifically notes that helping a lost soul is a time honored path to cheating.

I broke down and told a family friend what was going on, and told the other woman's husband.

Good for you! Telling the other spouse is the first step in shutting down the affair and forcing a wayward spouse to deal with his own misbehavior.

My WH wants to keep it as "down low" as possible due to possibly losing his job.

He's already told you he's in love with is co-worker. What exactly does he propose to do about his cheating? If he wants to continue in his current marriage, he should be looking for another job right now. At the very least, he should be using any company provided assistance to see a individual counselor asap. What exactly is he saying beyond trying to pretend he didn't cheat?

during which we were trying to expand the family (per his suggestion)...I can't believe that a man with no sex drive found a way to cheat on his wife.

More dissonance.

What the hell do I do with this?

Start in the Healing Library here. Do not get caught up in any games with him. Focus on doing what's best for you and your son -- no pandering to his excuses, he's the one who cheated, it's up to him to clean up his mess and start acting like an actual married man.

So is he telling you he wants out, or he wants this and a Marriage?
I know you are lost and overwhelmed, and feeling like your world has been shattered, but know you will survive this and be stronger on the other side. Not a lot of comfort at the moment I know, but hang on.

There are a few things I tell every newbie, and will share with you.
1. Nothing you did or did not do lead to this. He did this because he is a broken person. PERIOD. He made the choice to do this and do it over and over obviously. It has NOTHING to do with how good of a wife you, what you look like, or how you parent.

2. See an attorney. No matter what you are wanting and hoping for right now, you cannot choose to move down any path without fully understanding your options, and his obligations. You should absolutely understand the financial impact of this, and what happens if he loses his job too.

3. See your Dr. Get a full STD workup. I don't care if he is asexual or whatever... he has a bond with this person, and more than one of us has been fooled by the it was never sexual thing. Also demand he get full STD testing if you are choosing to stay with him. If you aren't it doesn't matter, but if you are, make him prove his innocence.
Also talk to your Dr about the stress you are dealing with. For many of us this is the most traumatic thing we have had in our lives, and we often can't sleep or eat, and go into fight/flight mode which can be very bad for our health, and often medications can help in the early days of this.

4. Figure out what you want, what your absolutes are, and what consequences of not meeting your requirements will be, and figure out how you will stick to them.

Keep reading here. There are tons of wonderful people who have walked your path.

We as betrayeds have all been in your shoes in some way shape or form.

It helps to know that affairs are like addictions. The cheater needs to tell the other Woman (OW) all his troubles (leaving out his culpability obviously) so all he hears is "oh poor baby" from the OW. She’s his cheerleader while you are a MONSTER for asking him to participate in Christmas shopping for your child. 😡😡

I’m being sarcastic but that is some insight into the mind of the cheater.

I suggest you get yourself a counselor to help you snd support you. One who deals with infidelity and/or D. The guy I had was excellent and gave me much needed practical advice b/c D was imminent.

Google affair fog / it will give you some insight into the cheater mindset too.

Also read up on the 180 - where you stop being his wife. No laundry or meals or plans or errands (should be continue to cheat on you). There is nothing wrong with knowing your options.

Get a plan B together or exit strategy together just in case. I did that for 5 months snd luckily I did b/c my H continued to cheat and I needed to leave him.

Keep posting here — we will offer you our best advice and suggestions. Sorry he ruined a holiday for you. He really is rather clueless isn’t he?

So sorry you have to go through this, having your Dday on Christmas of all days :(

I was in your shoes a few months ago. Others have given you lots of great advice. This wound is very fresh, so I want to give some immediate advice. Please make sure you actually eat food and drink water, even if you don't feel like it. Please try to sleep, take sleep medications if you need to. It will also help with the eating and the fatigue (trauma is very very tiring). You already have a confidant which is awesome. Reach out to as many close friends as you feel comfortable and if they want you can let them be your safety. Right now you don't feel safe with your WH so you need a source of safety from somewhere, friends and family are the next best thing until you find a good IC. these are just things I wish I did when I was in ground zero. Hope it helps.

Please make sure you actually eat food and drink water, even if you don't feel like it. Please try to sleep, take sleep medications if you need to. It will also help with the eating and the fatigue (trauma is very very tiring).

I am trying. There is no appetite for food, but I've at least gotten fluids down. Is it normal to have chills with this too? I've had to layer up and even then I don't feel warm anymore.

What exactly is he saying beyond trying to pretend he didn't cheat?

A lot of the same things others have probably heard. "started talking to her to try and improve our (mine and his) relationship." He also said he didn't realize that he was doing more than what a friend would. Unfortunately, the amount of times he asks her "how are you doing, are you ok?" is fairly damning. I've read on other parts of the forum, and if I'm understanding it he seems to follow the knight in shining armor thing with her. Being her champion at work and defending her from those who don't understand their similar trauma background. Just typing this makes me feel sick.

So is he telling you he wants out, or he wants this and a Marriage?

I asked him what he was thinking would happen when he told me. He apparently thought we would sit down and have a rational discussion about his "discovering he has feelings for someone else" and would figure out ways for him to "fix it," and "fix us." Since I obviously didn't follow the narrative and immediately broke down that did not happen.

The cheater needs to tell the other Woman (OW) all his troubles (leaving out his culpability obviously) so all he hears is "oh poor baby" from the OW. She’s his cheerleader while you are a MONSTER for asking him to participate in Christmas shopping for your child.

Some of the messages I found were of him compaining about me so you're not too far off. He even told her about my fertility issues and trying to conceive. WH was so flippant on if we'd be able to have another one or not even though it was his idea to try.

I know counseling is one of the main things being said to get. Individual I could go for (when I can hold myself together long enough to think), but I don't know if or when I'd be ready to try for couples counseling at this point. My husband asked if we could get counseling and my response was...not very polite since he just told me he was cheating. I don't even know what I want right now since it's not even been a full 48 hours since he told me.

Very sorry you are here but you will receive support. You have suffered a real trauma and it will take a long time to heal. A few things stuck out to me. Your WH needs counseling to see how he became so broken as to cheat on his partner. MC is often focused on fixing the marriage which is dead wrong. Your M is not broken. He is.

Do not accept any blame for his decision to betray you. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused him to cheat. He cheated because he wanted to do it. Period. He had lots of legitimate options to work with you on any marital issues, but instead he decided to cheat. Blameshifting is a common tactic with cheaters. It’s easier than looking in a mirror and dealing with their own shame and guilt, and taking responsibility for their own actions. If he tries to blame you, shut it down. You are in the same M and you didn’t cheat.

Right now, take time for this to all settle in. If he continues to keep contact with his AP, read and implement the 180 to give you space to gather your thoughts. Have him read a short book: “ How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair”, by McDonald. Read in the healing library. Be there for your child. You will get through this. Good luck.

(((((((DDD)))))) big hugs…I remember D day vividly and it was 3.5 years ago.

Lots of really good guidance so far. Please keep posting.

You are in shock. Be kind to yourself, everything you are experiencing is expected in this situation.

You will be ok. If you become overwhelmed, take a break. Look ahead only a day or an hour or a minute at a time. It will take a bit of time to find your equilibrium, it will come soon.

It is really important that you do not accept any blame. This is NOT your fault in any way, it is solely his. Your husband is in lalaland right now, he is infatuated, and not seeing or thinking rationally. This is typical cheater behaviour, please do not put too much stock in what he says.

Please keep posting, we are here and can help you.

Try to get some rest.

Please make sure you actually eat food and drink water, even if you don't feel like it. Please try to sleep, take sleep medications if you need to. It will also help with the eating and the fatigue (trauma is very very tiring).

I am trying. There is no appetite for food, but I've at least gotten fluids down. Is it normal to have chills with this too? I've had to layer up and even then I don't feel warm anymore.

You are in shock. Your fight and flight responses are going nuts. Your alarms are going nuts. You won't feel like eating anything for days (I've been there just recently), so please force yourself to at least eat something. Regarding the chills yes it's very normal too, it will get better soon once you're out of the immediacy of shock. Layer up, having warmth also gives you a sense of safety which helps the mind. For the next days and even first week just try to take things hour by hour, day by day. The pain can be un-imaginable at times, but it will get better, I promise. If you ever feel suicidal please reach out to a crisis line or a close friend/family. Know that you will be okay, and that the pain as bad as they are will be better and pass. You are not stuck like this forever. These are all things I personally felt (minus the suicidal part) so just know that you are not alone in dealing with what you're feeling. We all have been in your shoes currently at one point or another. If it makes you feel better vent here and we'll all listen. Sending you strength :)

edit: a joke I told my friends after D-day is that trauma is probably, outside amputation, the fastest weight-loss method.

Hope that gave you a giggle :)

[This message edited by oldmewasmurdered at 4:16 AM, Tuesday, December 28th]

There are so many of us out there...so heartbreaking. I am so sorry you too are facing this...I am now 10 days since I found out my husband was cheating. I agree that you need to try to take care of yourself. When I found out my first husband was cheating, I lost so much weight I went down to skin and bones...it was terrible. This time too I have no appetite, but I am trying to force myself to eat a bit when I can...but I know it’s challenging. Luckily, I have my children home to remind and encourage me to eat.

@OMWM, you’re right, it IS one of the fastest weight-loss methods! Thanks for the lightheartedness...I’m trying to keep my spirits up in between the terrible waves of grief and despair.

I'm so sorry you are here. Glad you found us.

Your husband is a liar and a cheater.

You'll have to figure this out as you go. My fWW had an EA with a coworker as well. So I just feel for you.

Sending strength.

Devastated,

So sorry you've joined one of the groups no one wants to belong. Further, finding out on Christmas is a nightmare. Ask any of us about day/date/occasion triggers...

First, take a deep breath and tell yourself you will get through this, because you will. There will be times you are sure the emotional pain is too much - we've all been there. But you will survive it and be so much stronger on the other side of the trauma. It just takes time and support.

Please keep in my mind that your WH's actions have nothing to do with you - in no way is this your fault. Everything he did is on him and do not let him blame anyone but himself.

Please listen closely to the advice you get on this forum. There are many folks here who can guide you, sometimes rather bluntly, toward a conclusion that benefits you.

Best of luck and lots of hugs sent your way.

First I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I'd like to mention it's good he came forward on his own. Hopefully it wasn't because of him being blackmailed. That is something... if you consider reconsiliation.

Second, he killed the marriage with his cheating and lies. There is not marriage to work on, he need individual counciling to work on HIS issues. And once he has done the work on himself then marital issues can be addressed.

This is a trauma and individual counciling would be so good for you. You will need to find the right one that specializes in trauma.

I now feel even more like an idiot. A part of me - the one that misses how it used to be I guess - started making me think that I am overreacting and it couldn't be that bad. Or maybe it was seeing how much my pain was affecting my son that made me want to calm down more and just rug sweep. I'm not sure, but forcing myself to look through more of the messages swept that idea away in a heartbeat.

I saw the "cut off" message my WH sent to the OW and it was wishywashy basically saying, "I have feelings for you that aren't platonic" and "I will understand anything you do in response to these revelations." I pointed out in my (thankfully) calm rage induced state that he was not taking any initiative for fixing this as :day 1 he didn't admit how bad it was, Day 2 he balked at showing me the messages, later sadly gave me the info and sent the flimsy break off as seen above, and then told me I should not bring up one of our more recent blow ups that occurred at the beginning of the month.

Now I'm at day three and I confronted his OW. She said she had no such feelings for him, that they were just friends (as she's apparently not attracted to guys?), and that she would keep the no contact/stay away from him as spelled out by one of our family friend's (the husband of my friend I told). but the amount of things they spoke of went WAY beyond what a friend talks about. They even had a warped conversation on "when would be too much sharing" and both came to conclusion that there was no ceiling they could hit. What the heck?! There's even sickening discussions where they talk about how amazing it is there friendship got so close so fast, despite how my husband usually connects with people. I very slowly, pointedly, then went through MY side again of one of the particular arguments he did not want me to bring up as he was "still angry at me" for it and showed him how HIS actions were the one causing my blow up because - even though I did not know why/what - his emotional affair had already taken so much from me me for two months and what he did was the last straw for me to not snap. For him then to go running to her and painting such a picture to make ME seem like the bad guy snapping at him?!

I saw the "cut off" message my WH sent to the OW and it was wishywashy basically saying, "I have feelings for you that aren't platonic" and "I will understand anything you do in response to these revelations

^^^Seems he's leaving the door wide open.

He should have said, "There will never be any communication between us. Ever again. Do not text, call, or try to contact me in any way. If you do, I will have no recourse but to seek legal counsel. I hurt my beloved wife deeply and I want to do everything I can do repair the damage. Do not contact me ever again."

Your rage is justified.

Keep in mind, the OW is as much of a liar as he is. She will never tell you the truth.

He kept trying to blame the affair on things he had problems with in our marriage.

Marriages don't cheat. People do.

Cheating is about character. It's about core values, integrity, and boundaries. What your WH is telling you when he blames you or the marriage is that HIS behavior is predicated on YOURS. IOW, he's got no ability to tell the difference between right and wrong. He's living in a world of gray and just reacting to what you do. He's got no values of his own, no integrity, no beliefs, no boundaries, NOTHING to order his character or his behavior.
THAT is what he's telling you.

You know, I don't think cheaters think this thing through before they pass the blame, right? Because THAT^^^^ makes it even worse.

It sounds to me like your WH might do well to get into some therapy and figure out just what the hell it is that HE believes. What are HIS real core values? Are they compatible with yours? Where are his boundaries? I agree with NotInMlife's recommendation of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Her "walls and windows" technique should help with the boundary building, that is... IF you're interested in continuing on in the marriage. This is YOUR life. No cheater is owed a second chance. They all know the score. They know they're pulling the pin out of the divorce grenade. Certainly, when he told you he was "in love" with someone else, he knew he was wrong, despite his childish refusal to admit it was an EA. And you know what?... I'd make him prove it. I'd send him for STD testing and a polygraph. Motive, means, and opportunity, right? Maybe somewhere between explaining to his doctor why he needs an STD battery and squirming under the unblinking stare of a professional polygrapher, he might get how badly he's betrayed your trust.

ETA: Consider seeing an attorney and getting a post-nup as well. They're notoriously difficult to enforce, but if your attorney sets it up so that it reflects the laws of your jurisdiction, you should still be able to get something quite favorable.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:08 AM, Wednesday, December 29th]

T/J WRT NC letters -

I think it's a bad practice to tell the ap not to communicate with WS, because the WS has no control over the ap. Telling is too likely to generate a response of, 'That SOB can't tell ME what to do!'

Asking the ap to honor the NC is good. Outlining the consequences - the actions WS will initiate if NC is broken by the ap - of breaking NC is good.

Also, my personal preference is to avoid explaining why WS is breaking off contact. Any information that's shared beyond 'I won't communicate with you again' opens up the possibility of generating a response. Even saying something as obvious as 'I love my BS' opens WS up to 'But you said you loved me!'

End T/J

Devastated, there’s so much manipulation and gaslighting. If you plan on reconciliation, I urge you to proceed with the utmost caution. Protect yourself.

Hell, he’s not even giving you any space to process this and yet he balks at providing the truth to help you heal.

Right now, he’s only for himself.

So follow his lead and focus on taking care of yourself for now.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 5:54 PM, Wednesday, December 29th]

Limerence.
It's not real and he's under some cloud of fantasy life.

At a few months in it's total rush and illusion still.

The very worst part of your story is "on Christmas".
What was this.... a christmas present for her?

There's some very bad kind of bad in that man.

The very worst part of your story is "on Christmas".
What was this.... a christmas present for her?

I don't know honestly. Looking back I had to drag him to actually participate in any Christmas activities with our child. When I look at all of the messages he was sending on Christmas day to her it was obvious he was mentally checked out from being with us before I'd gotten up. He wished her a Merry Christmas three times (once before I was up, once again around lunch, and again wishing her goodnight) but didn't wish me a Merry Christmas even once. Seriously, while the timing of his confession was awful with it being on Christmas I don't honestly think he was thinking of my feelings anymore anyway and just saw me as the "other." WH and his OW were very condescending when writing about me and her spouse. Thank you for adding Limerence to my vocabulary. It seems to match very well with this stupidity I'm dealing with from him.

Hell, he’s not even giving you any space to process this and yet he balks at providing the truth to help you heal.

yeah, that sucked badly the first day. Thankfully it started up my rage from day two and his lying ass has been shoved upstairs in another room for the forseeable future. I halfway want to gag when he tries to be caring and says "I hate seeing you so upset when you read the messages" which is followed up by his saying "I can give you context" about particularly sickening ones.

Also, my personal preference is to avoid explaining why WS is breaking off contact.

Would have been nice. Would have also been nice if he had sent a firm cut off message instead of that wishy washy trash which showed he wasn't taking any responsibility for it. As annb said, it looked too much like he left the door open for him to keep going or just totally walk out on us and go to her. He eventually sent a real cut off message saying they had to limit contact and no more messages except for dealing with mutual work related things via email. My next task will be getting his log in for his work email obviously.

He's got no values of his own, no integrity, no beliefs, no boundaries, NOTHING to order his character or his behavior.

His boundaries are a mess when it comes to caring for himself vs going all out to help or save others...who aren't his wife. He says he'll go into therapy now, but I'm not really sure how much I trust he'll do the work as he's been to therapy intermittently through the years and stopped before really beginning to do work to change his behaviors. The therapy was for making him not do this knight in shining armor kind of things but he apparently "knew better" than so many others and kept doing what he was doing. Arrogant right?

Day four and I keep cycling between rage, utter despair, dissociating and almost forgetting what happened (only to be hit back by reality), and also feeling empty. It feels bizarre when I look at him and see him finally acting like the husband and father to my child I used to have (after his confession/my browbeating on what I've found in the messages), yet knowing with every message I read all of terrible things he said to her -from our own home -every day. I know what they talked about at work was probably worse and I dread him going back on Monday. I keep thinking, "Is this just a honeymoon period where he's trying his best to be what he was or is he going to go back to her?" Since he told me he misses the conversations he had with her I really don't trust him to not stray to her again. I also don't trust him to not pull this again with someone else he feels he has to save...