Me: BWHim: WHBeen together for 17 years, married 8 by time of DDAY which was Christmas night 2021.

Was this cheating? Opinions please.

Hello all. It will be one month tomorrow that my husband confided in me that he is "in love with someone else," (a female coworker) but he still holds the opinion that it was not an emotional affair nor did he cheat. I would like to hear the community's opinion as we are unable to find an available infidelity counselor yet, and we obviously do not agree on how severe the situation is.

In my opinion, it was cheating because: For three months he was messaging her (the OW/coworker) constantly from 5:00am-bedtime about things which were not work related (some things were about me and other boundary breakings). He felt like she was easier to talk to and was less anxious to share his inner thoughts with her versus talking to me. She "spoke his love language" easily and he got frustrated trying to teach it to me - to the point where he gave up trying to share with me because talking with her about these things seemed to come naturally. WH spent the majority of the time for my son's birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas mostly messaging her about anything and everything. He ignored/brushed me off when I told him multiple times he was spending too much time messaging her and needed to get off the computer to spend time with us as a family. Times when we were doing things as a family he was still messaging her via his phone or his computer. And the biggest thing for me, he told me he is in love with her (not a crush, is in love with her) which I feel means he allowed himself to keep boundary breaking despite warnings from me and others that he was going to far because he was enjoying it.

His reasons that it was not cheating are: "The OW was never in the running for your position/place" (his way of saying he loves me more than her). He never intentionally meant to cheat - and that you must have had intentions to cheat for there to be an emotional affair. That he didn't lie to me about the situation because he "told me he was in love with her" when he figured it out...after two weeks of feeling like some of his interactions with her were getting into possible "icky" territory.

I would appreciate any thoughts and feedback on this subject.

30 comments posted: Tuesday, January 25th, 2022

He told me on Christmas

Sorry this post will seem disconnected. I can't believe I am writing this. My husband told me he was in love with someone else just a couple days ago, right on Christmas. The other woman is his coworker. He defended it saying it was not an emotional affair - that is- until the next day when I forced him to read an article on what an emotional affair is. I told him I needed to see the messages he sent the other woman to figure out when it started as he only admitted to two weeks worth and he "Drew the Line" at that saying the other woman had messaged him things in confidence and he could not allow me to read it. Apparently me leaving and locking a door to get space was not allowed though, as he got the master key and let himself in to confront me on my obvious anger. I eventually learned this affair has gone on for three months - during which we were trying to expand the family (per his suggestion). I guess thankfully at this point my PCOS kept me from conceiving?

He kept trying to blame the affair on things he had problems with in our marriage. All things that I had pointed out and asked to work with him on before he started his affair. It was apparently easier to talk to her on those things than it was to talk to me, so he began pulling away and messaging her constantly just a few days before our son's 4th birthday -and also my birthday- which are both in October.

When my husband finally gave me his log in credentials for their main chat I found that it took at least a half hour to get through the amount of messages those two would send each other in one day alone. They messaged from when they got up, continued frequently throughout the day, and only stopped when the other went to sleep. That he could (and did) cheat the whole day away while I and my son are sitting right there with him on our Birthdays, during meals I made for him, over thanksgiving, while we'd be with other friends, and even during all Christmas activities...no amount of me pointing out he needed to stop worked and he used his excuse "I'm concerned for my FRIEND." When I warned him he was crossing boundaries, said he was always on the computer messaging her instead of being with us he just brushed me off and ignored me or said he had to talk about work. Nothing I said about letting her get help elsewhere if she needed it, cutting back on work responsibilities, or being present for our family got through to him.

To add insult to the obvious injury I'm feeling, the Christmas gift he gave me - the only "surprise" (was on a list of things I wanted) I got- was selected by my WH and the other woman. He normally does well at Christmas and gives loads of well thought out surprises. He instead decided to use that spark of holiday cheer for surprises for our friends, and for her. He didn't even help me shop for our son's Christmas gifts...and had the balls to insult what I got our boy without knowing what they were.

There is a part of me that disconnects saying "this can't be real" and then I'm flung back into reality. I broke down and told a family friend what was going on, and told the other woman's husband. My WH wants to keep it as "down low" as possible due to possibly losing his job. I've been a mostly SAHM for our child since that is what WH wanted for our kid, and I've even had to cut down on my side business due to pandemic/childcare concerns. All this just to support him and our family making his job the primary income. For more context: we are childhood sweethearts who got together when we were 12. We've never dated or been with anyone else. We're in our mid thirties now, married, with a kid. He brushed off every warning I gave saying "it's never happened before" and that "since I'm (WH) asexual it's not like I will do that."

I can't believe that a man with no sex drive found a way to cheat on his wife. I feel pathetic for believing in him, trusting that he wouldn't stray even when I saw the signs. Believing that he would listen to me when I warned him he was going too far...What the hell do I do with this?

63 comments posted: Thursday, December 30th, 2021