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Newest Member: trustingyou

Just Found Out :
He told me on Christmas

Topic is Sleeping.
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 1:15 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

He's pulled something I think is super manipulative saying "If you want to incentivise me telling you the truth or (insert some item I won't want to hear that is the truth) you need to react (unrealistic expectation for how I should act)."

I'm sorry, that's not "super manipulative". That's not even beginner level manipulative. It's nothing more than childish, petulant BS. If you feel manipulated by it, that's on you. Sorry for the 2x4, but BS 101 is opening your eyes and acknowledging the clear-eyed true reality of the person your WH is today: a man in love with a co-worker who herself is a lowlife scum not above trying to steal a woman's husband. Stop engaging with pieces of shit, implement the 180. I'm mindful of Bigger's script about setting him free to do what he so clearly wants, but not as your husband.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3973   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8711865
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:19 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

Either he is lying or he has a shitty therapist. Keeping info from your traumatized wife is a no no. If that is the garbage you are being fed it is time to confront the therapist….in person.

If he has been lying then alerting the therapist will get you the truth and he might be dropped as a client because their reputations are at stake. If the person has been feeding him this crap you need a very loud voice and then silence, as in gray rock. He now becomes invisible to you. You can assume that he is working his way out of your marriage and you will help him pack.

Please read LYING by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical spectacle. It is a powerful article about the damage done to a person.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:28 PM, Wednesday, January 26th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3498   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8711866
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BoundaryBuilder ( member #78439) posted at 6:09 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

I'm not sure what my limit is, but if he has to go to her for emotional intimacy then I know I won't be comfortable sharing my deepest concerns or other things with him. Be a friend and coparent? Most likely yes.

the COW seems to be the 3rd voice in your M

Gently, gently - so let's label this what it is. An open marriage. She gets all the intimacy while you take second place in his affections and keep doing all the parenting and real life day to day heavy lifting to keep his life running smoothly.

Are you really considering this? Is this okay with you? Because if he continues the A (you put up with their "workplace friendship" and he continues investing emotions in her) you will be in an open marriage.

Now I'm gonna be blunt. IMHO there's big time gaslighting going on here (from both) about what her sexual orientation is (or isn't) and any physical feelings they have for each other. She's married to a man, correct? And your H's insistence that there's nothing to consider there because he's "asexual" seems off - and perhaps scripted. Think about it. Do you text your same sex friends a gazillion times a day to the detriment of people in real life and get all sparkly - get that texting dopamine rush from a "friend"? He's in love with her. But physical feelings (or actions?) aren't part of the picture? EAs are like courtship. He isn't investing himself in a month's long EA and putting your marriage at risk because they're pals. Folks with functioning libidos and body parts like to have sex. If the goal is to rebuild trust and eventually reconcile, seems coming clean and being honest about the physical attraction is important. Otherwise that will always be an elephant in the room. And, if the EA hasn't crossed the physical line yet (?) it's probable it will become physical if the A continues.

Your recovery, with or without him, depends on you taking control.

It's been only a month and you are still reeling. Understandable. You're doing great all things considered! But things on his side seem to be headed towards rug sweeping and minimization, not healing you and rebuilding the marriage. PLEASE stand up for yourself and demand an end to his trickery and mind in the blender strategy. It's time for the 180. Stop doing for him. IC for you. How about demanding that STD panel to demonstrate your resolve? At least get tested yourself and share the results with him. Shake him up. Not sure what else you can do at this point but take control as he is entrenching himself further in la la land rather than acknowledging the real damage he's done. Keeping the "work friendship" intact is TRAUMATIZING YOU. So, YES he is choosing her over you. Avoiding "awkwardness" with her at work is more important than acknowledging and dealing with your pain! I would be gutted also! Do you have a plan B exit strategy set up? Might be good to think about putting something in place.

Hang in there and keep posting. Sometimes it's difficult to take in what folks have to say, but we really do want to help. For you to find your way out of infidelity and not just survive this, but eventually thrive. You have a good head on your shoulders. You can do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:52 AM, Thursday, January 27th]

Married 32 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 63
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
D-Day=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 130   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8711936
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 11:35 PM on Wednesday, January 26th, 2022

My husband initially lied to his IC. I requested to go to a session with him so my truth was out there. I left after about 15 mins after explaining what I knew of his activities.

BS Fwh

posts: 3156   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8712009
Topic is Sleeping.
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