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Newest Member: KMS60087

Just Found Out :
He told me on Christmas

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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:16 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

He told me his therapist said he was "brave for letting his wife know" about his dilemma/change of feelings for his coworker, but he apparently didn't tell her he was having an emotional affair or what he did for the past three months.


Does he want a cookie? rolleyes Honestly, he sounds completely disconnected from reality. I get that he's "asexual" or whatever, but does this arrangement go both ways? Is it okay for you to cultivate a romantic entanglement and then REFUSE to stop contact? Have you posed that scenario to him? And maybe in that new relationship, you might want more sex. How about that? Is he cool with opening up your marriage to other players?

I don't think I'd play these games with him. I think I'd lawyer up and he'd either pull his head out or I'd be done. That's me, not necessarily you. But I've gotten a bit older and my attitude is that life is just too damned short to be putting up with toxic people.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8708118
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:24 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

It's probably best to start implementing the 180. As long as he keeps rationalizing, he's never going to reach true remorse or any breakthroughs in self-reflection. And of course, it seems like he's only using the therapist to reinforce his beliefs.

Use the 180 to protect yourself now.

posts: 289   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8708121
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 7:30 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Yep yep yep......he doesn't want to ....making excuses....going to say whatever.

No nothings going to happen, it will all be good. Except it won't be good. You'll be thinking on it all day, every day. It will eat at your relationship.

All this talk from him equals he's not choosing you. He's not choosing the relationship. He still wants both. It's maddening. I know. Don't let him drag this out. Limbo hurts and makes you numb. It's not a way to live. Kick him off the fence.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2275   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8708144
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 7:41 AM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

My FWH told me his therapist told him he didn’t have to tell me anything. Of course this was when I told him the polygraph was scheduled for the following day. Have you asked him to read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. It was very eye opening for my husband.

BS Fwh

posts: 3086   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8708145
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 1:20 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

I'm finding more bad days as he keeps rationalizing why what he did wasn't so bad. It's really frustrating to feel like "he actually understands" and then go back to "nope, he is only thinking of himself as the victim again."

Nope, you must find your stance and get into control of the situation. You can't build the house on a sandy foundation, same for new M.

Did you ask him for a detailed timeline? and then take this to poly... My H too had several EA's that he refused to accept as inappropriate communication and EA's. I told him straight looking in the eyes in a calm voice that he can pick either WE are going to bring their texts to the infidelity expert to review and diagnose (he will be present there) or I'm going to use my tool to get yes or no answer. He picked a yes / no answer. You can do the same and let him know that both of you will have a consultation with an infidelity expert to review the texts between him and COW. This may bring him to reality and his brains may start to re-wire.

With what's going on and his thought process, you're still in infidelity. You need to find your way out either with your WS fully in or without your WH if he's not willing to R.

And one more Q: Did you participate in the creation of boundaries at the workplace? Or that was again only between 2 of them as per your reply the COW seems to be the 3rd voice in your M. This may sound harsh, but this can help you to stop rationalizing what he did wasn't bad. It was bad and very very bad. He's like on drugs. He had other choices to make if he wanted to dissolve his M in a somewhat amicable way.

Strength to you! ((()))

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 1:27 PM, Friday, January 7th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8708183
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:02 PM on Friday, January 7th, 2022

Your husband is still knee deep in his affair. If you believe otherwise,its because you are severely traumatized, and taking hopium.

posts: 3874   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8708193
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Ariopolis ( member #75786) posted at 12:27 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

My WH discussed what boundaries he needs to have in place at home in not contacting the OW, but told me that he had to keep the work friendship...

Where did he get these boundaries, about no tech at home? As someone else asked, who came up with the boundaries? Did he just inform you of them, meaning he talked it over with her first, or did you tell him what you needed?

posts: 167   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2020
id 8708437
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 12:51 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

Hey OP, I just wanted to chime in and offer my support. It's extra shitty when Dday happens during the holidays. What is it about Ddays and December anyway?

I just wanted to add something as my bullshit alarm is ringing. If I recall correctly, the OW said the A was no big deal because she isn't attracted to men.... but she is attracted enough to actually have a husband? I might be off, but there might be more to this than you have been led to believe. It's not uncommon to have multiple Ddays as cheaters try to control the narrative. You might want to dig with an eye to uncover a PA either in development, or having already occurred. I remember one poster here who, like many of us, trusted his partner. But when he knew what he was looking for, the evidence practically jumped out at him.

Me:53STBXWW:51DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

posts: 1183   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8708438
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, January 8th, 2022

It's not uncommon to have multiple Ddays as cheaters try to control the narrative. You might want to dig with an eye to uncover a PA either in development, or having already occurred.

This! If you survey SI'ers majority did have more than one DDays with more disclosure of at least kissing at 2nd DDay.

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8708441
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 DevastatedDnDer (original poster new member #79711) posted at 4:31 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

We're still stuck in what y'all call limbo I guess. While communication with me has somewhat improved he still sees her every time he's at work. He's pulled something I think is super manipulative saying "If you want to incentivise me telling you the truth or (insert some item I won't want to hear that is the truth) you need to react (unrealistic expectation for how I should act)." Basically a threat of him going back to his old "stuffing" behavior because me being upset - even in the slightest - makes him "anxious" and not want to be open/honest with me. He also said that - for trying to move forward with another issue - the OW would probably need an apology for me reading her private messages as the possibility of me seeing some of her personal things has given her "anxiety" too. I told him there was no way in hell I am apologizing for her possible anxiety as I had to read there messages to even make him come clean on how long this has been going on.

I don't need to hear "get a lawyer" again. The message is loud and clear with how that's supposed to help. I just need a place to keep from being gaslit into thinking I'm wrong when it's so obvious her needs are still coming first.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8709530
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TruthIsPower ( member #75776) posted at 5:37 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

He also said that - for trying to move forward with another issue - the OW would probably need an apology for me reading her private messages as the possibility of me seeing some of her personal things has given her "anxiety" too. I told him there was no way in hell I am apologizing for her possible anxiety as I had to read there messages to even make him come clean on how long this has been going on.

I heard the same statement from my fWH, except OW's "anxiety". Seems like your WS is still neck deep in whatever: A, or A fog, pining, protecting his AP and not YOU , etc. You had a right to read their communication since OW was an intruder (knowingly) into your M and your WS unknowingly to you added a 3rd person into your M. So, OW didn't have "anxiety" for having A with a married man, if she's M , she didn't have "anxiety" coming back home to her BS being deep into A? You're right, she does not deserve an apology (this sounds like a bad joke), she deserves her BS (if she's married) to know and have an agency to become aware of her behavior and NC note from your WS (with you reviewing it and present at sending). By what you're saying and being direct with your WS, you're taking control into your own hands. Is your WS in IC with an infidelity specializing therapist?

Limbo is not an easy place to be. You don't want to stay in infidelity for an extended period if at all. It will be a toll on your health. I would recommend that you find the book "Love must be tough" available to read for free online.

What your WS need is a dose of reality quickly. The poor man doesn't know what to do, possibly has a feeling of being trapped, and feels that his behavior can be accepted. Maybe it's time for 180 now?

[This message edited by TruthIsPower at 8:16 PM, Thursday, January 13th]

"Stop giving people the reasons to love you. Not all will see the beauty of your soul. Those who know, those who know who you are, will love you with something fierce and never let you go. Those are the ones worth holding out for."

posts: 159   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2020   ·   location: US
id 8709560
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:46 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

He wants a get out of jail card. That is you being super sensitive, his take, not mine. If your marriage is this precarious you need to give yourself a get out of jail card.

When someone walks away let them go
TD Jakes

posts: 3109   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8709562
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Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 6:02 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Wow.

He really is an entitled jerk. Delivering his requirements to fix things is incredible. It sounds as though he is getting some coaching from his AP on how to manage you. Perhaps this is how she strangled her own marriage.

Keep doing what you need to do for your own healing. Stay the course.

posts: 1065   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8709571
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:24 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

He's pulled something I think is super manipulative saying "If you want to incentivise me telling you the truth or (insert some item I won't want to hear that is the truth) you need to react (unrealistic expectation for how I should act)." Basically a threat of him going back to his old "stuffing" behavior because me being upset - even in the slightest - makes him "anxious" and not want to be open/honest with me.


It's not your job to make him behave like an adult. It's his job to BE one. That is straight up manipulation and he can do that because he's not afraid of losing you. You've said you're not ready to file, but maybe you might start introducing some emotional distance by doing the 180. You'll find info in the Healing Library. It might help you to step back and start protecting yourself.

He also said that - for trying to move forward with another issue - the OW would probably need an apology for me reading her private messages as the possibility of me seeing some of her personal things has given her "anxiety" too.


They could both wish in one hand and spit in the other. That just makes me mad on your behalf. mad
Where is the respect a husband should have for his wife? I suspect that if you had been the one to say you were in love with another man, things would be looking way different. This looks so narcissistic, like he can't even connect with how inappropriate he is.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709608
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

That is straight up manipulation and he can do that because he's not afraid of losing you.

Yup, that’s some serious manipulation going on.

DDD, is there a limit for you? If so, what is it? knowing you reserve the right to adjust as you go.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8709634
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PricklePatch ( member #34041) posted at 12:50 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

I would believe he broke no contact in regards to anything other then work for him to know the ow’s aniexty. It truly sounds like he wants to your rubber stamp on their relationship. Sounds like he is trying to basically put you in submission his way or the highway. That is an awlful place to be in. I have always heard be prepared to lose your marriage to save it. Have your " not just friends"? He needs to. Think about what you need from him to move forward in reconciliation. Since that is the way your looking.

Remember there can be no healthy reconciliation with out remorse vs. regret that you know.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 12:52 AM, Friday, January 14th]

BS Fwh

posts: 3086   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2011
id 8709687
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:17 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

Your husband is still involved with OW if he is having these conversations with her.

As of now he is not R material. Perhaps some consequences will get his head out of his ass bc he seems oblivious to the destruction he has caused.

Apologize to OW? She should apologize to you for having an affair with your husband.

Remember, he will continue to do what you allow him to do. He has faced absolutely no consequences. His life goes on as usual, he has the wife at home and his affair partner for eight hours a day. How do you know they are not going out for a quickie on their lunch hour?

He's putting her feelings before yours.

Please get yourself out of infidelity, limbo crushes the soul even more than it is already crushed.

posts: 11381   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8709703
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clouds777 ( member #72442) posted at 7:17 PM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

He is manipulating you because he is absolutely sure you will continue to put up with it. He is 1000% wrong in everything he is asking and is purposefully gaslighting you. It sounds like he is still completely in the A and will defend her and NOT YOU.

There is nothing to work with here. Be sure the other BS knows and move forward with getting out of infidelity to help youself. Your husband is not interested in helping you and he is sure he does not need to worry about losing you. Choose yourself and prove him wrong.

I am so sorry you are hurting.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8709902
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