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So, WS and I are separated and going through the D process. I finally told my parents what he did to me...and my dad wanted to try and see if we could R. I mean, I really didn’t need that. I shut it down pretty quickly.

But sometimes...sometimes I really wish R was on the table. I can see WS was trying before, even if it wasn’t enough for me (should it have been??). I miss being part of a couple. I miss having my kids all the time. I miss not feeling alone in social situations. I miss not being alone.

It’s so silly. He betrayed me. He hurt me so much I can’t bear it. He still makes hurtful comments about how I ‘had too many children’ (we had three).

Anyone relate?

I can relate. And I know from experience, you miss the idea of him and what he stood for as a partner but you don't miss HIM as a person. In fact, he wasn't even included in your list of things you miss.

There's literally billions of men out there. You can find one better than him to be a part of a couple with and not feel lonely. But in mean time, learn how to live solo and be happy being with yourself.

Yes, I can relate. We were married for much longer than I was ever single. We had a lot of history together. His constant gaslighting and devaluing me took its toll over the years. The A & sexual assault were the straw that broke the camel's back.

I miss what I thought we were as a couple and him when he was charming, but I'm so much happier now.

Divorce sucks. It's hard and it's sad even when it is absolutely the right move to make. There's a grieving that has to happen and it is 100% normal and there's no shortcutting that process unfortunately.

It helped me during my S/D process to try to reframe. Instead of thinking about what I missed, instead focusing on what I wasn't missing - the lies, the crying, the fighting, the messiness. Instead of focusing on what I didn't have (a spouse), focusing on what I did - self-respect, financial freedom, peace, authenticity, clarity.

It does get easier to focus on the good stuff the further out you get, I promise.

Agree with the others that this is relatable. I try my best to remind myself I am missing what I thought I had. And that it was not what I really had.

Echoing the rest. It’s hard to let go of what we thought we had. But you can - and you will. It does take time, and it takes distance.

Also, so impressed you didn’t kick him in the groin for the comment about having too many kids. Obviously he couldn’t keep it in his pants. What a jerk.

He still makes hurtful comments about how I ‘had too many children’ (we had three).

Why would you want to reconcile with someone who would say things like this???

I miss mine, too. But it isn't based in reality. I HAD to kick him out on 7/6 because he screamed at me that I was fucked up while I dry heaved having a breakdown, due to a trigger he responded horribly to. So when I miss him I think about that day.

Think about the shitty stuff. You don't miss him. You miss comfort and what you thought you had. It is tough but you will get through this.

I understand how you feel. Everyone is right - we miss what we wish we had. I am two years out and some days I "miss" being married but not to him. He was and is toxic. You will get there - be patient with yourself.

Three kids? And he had no part in their conception so it’s all your fault?

The kids made him have to pay for sex?

Honey – I’m guessing your family really had 4 kids, only the three you gave birth to mature with age.

I think this makes you human and him a flaming horse's patoot.

I have been following your thread from the beginning. Your uncertainty is normal because you are a normal feeling human being. And for the record, I agree with Chaos. Your ex is a horses backside. Sending prayers of strength.

Thank you all for your replies - I’ve been reading and re-reading them as things have been rough.

I get so stressed when I see STBX. He’s so damn happy with his ‘freedom’. Today he was talking about how the kids will live on takeaways when they are with him and his mother is not around to cook - and reminded me that he ‘can do whatever he wants’. It makes me so damn angry that a cheating, lying, ‘finding-the-easiest-way-to-pass-the-time-with-the-kids’ parent still gets to have time with them. What kind of role model is that?

My support system is shot to pieces. My parents think I should try to R. My siblings (who have not yet been told the reason for the D) are being so civil to STBX it feels like another betrayal. STBX said that he would not lose friends over what he has done. And sadly for my mental health, this seems to be true.

Perdita1:

One of the biggest hurdles to deal with in the “infidelity grinder” is the unfairness of it all to you. You do not deserve any of this crap and yet here you are. And you will get through it. And you will build a better life. Be good to yourself. Your WH will not be able to keep up a false facade with the children. He is too selfish and self absorbed for that to happen. But you just come to terms with the fact that life can be brutally unfair at times. But it can not defeat you.

Do not engage with him. He will only try to hurt you. No contact will allow you to heal faster. And if you must interact over child or financial issues, just go grey rock. Become an unemotional rock in response.

Sorry your parents are pushing R. That is normal for grandparents. But it is not in your best interests. Always value yourself. Focus on you and what you want moving forward. Ride that emotional rollercoaster knowing that each day the ride gets a little easier. Remember you are the prize. You are enough. Your children need a steady hand who actually cares about them.

As for the so-called friends who have no problem with your WH’s betrayal. No big loss. You know enough to delete them. It’s at times like these you see what people are made of. Develop real friends. Sending you strength. Good luck.

^^^ Agree with fareast I think you should have limited contact with him. This way you don't have to hear his stupid boasting about whatever...right? You have your life and your new freedom to enjoy and it is wonderful.

I lost a lot of friends and gained a lot of friends. The one's lost are for a good reason.

Sending you huge hugs today!