Cheating is a zero sum game
"Shower thought" of the day here. And probably not news for many of the site embers.
But it occurred to me that the reason cheating, affairs, etc are so $h!tty is because it is pretty near to a zero sum game. That is to say... every amount of fun, pleasure, and excitement for the WS results in an equal amount of depression, misery, and anger for the BS.
Hope everyone here is doing as well as can be expected.
2 comments posted: Sunday, August 8th, 2021
I got one of these to try, specifically “now what?”
And my first thoughts are…wtf am I missing. I don’t want to judge too early but I’m about to put it down. What are this guys qualifications? He makes all kinds of statements about what he knows as fact and the whole thing sounds like an amateur recording and like it flat out encourages psychological manipulation in place of a real relationship. Does that work? Yea probably, but it seems pretty sketchy.
He also acts as if females are some grand equation he solved and not just people. He has the tricks that somehow nobody else knows.
Am I just too bitter right now? Thoughts?
[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 9:42 PM, July 14th (Wednesday)]
9 comments posted: Wednesday, July 14th, 2021
Original post here
Despite the clear direction of our collapsed marriage and disgusting betrayal I long for control. I wanted her to give me the choice on reconciling or not. Their contact continues and I have every reason to believe that the affair does too. So at the guidance of everyone here I have begun separation.
I think, on my own, I would have tried harder to save the marriage which would have been foolish in the face of the signs. She cheated, she left, she began collecting her things, separating out the assets she wanted and living her “normal” life with a smile on her face. Despite all this she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted. She told me she was sorry, she acted without remorse.
I’ve been listening to a help book that divides responses to these life traumas as angry, sad & withdrawn. (Very oversimplified here). But I have come to learn, in talking to her mother how withdrawn she really is. The mother knows so little about her own daughter and is as shocked as me. From what I know about their checkered past I do believe this is the truth.
Looking forward, I can only hope that she will give me the clean split she promises. Of course I have no reason to believe anything she promises but…a boy can dream. I am doing my best to mentally and legally prepare for a shift in her claim.
I slept more than 3 hours for the first time since DDay but had nightmares about WW’s betrayal. I was also not sad for part of last night and almost let myself believe that was fading…ha. I think I was literally out of emotional energy. Something I didn’t know I could experience. And I broke down again writing this post.
I will be looking for a support group (email sent to beyondaffairs) and starting therapy. Also reaching out to all the friends I lost touch with over the years.
I can tell already that the hardest part of this for me long term will be the immense hole in my romantic life. I was never the stereotypical guy and hated everything about dating in my early 20s. Never thought I’d have to take the whiteout to that life goals checkbox. I understand the recommended direction is to find yourself again. And I will try, but am being honest about what will be hardest for me.
I also know that support from friends and family will fade in some ways. We will run out of things to say and neither side will want to keep rehashing the past and we will hit a maintenance phase, which is when I expect the loneliness to set in hard.
I’m sure I’ll update more. Thanks all.
12 comments posted: Wednesday, July 14th, 2021
Wife sending nudes to co-worker
Today I found out my wife has sent nudes to an older co-worker very recently (probably late 40s maybe early 50s and married). She has admitted it. She claims it was because she liked the attention. (That I was not providing, though this was not explicitly said) that it was not an ongoing thing and that nothing else happened (including anything physical). I'm honestly not sure what to believe though...
On the home front we have no children and have been unable to conceive for several years and this has been rough on our relationship. We have remained sexually active but strained. I will admit I've been more distant than I should have been and could have been more emotionally supportive...mostly due to the conception issue and general life stressors. I had no idea it had gone this far though. She has a history of being a poor communicator and bottling up feelings...so in that way I'm unsurprised it silently escalated.
We've been married for 5 years and together 12. I've no clue if I can forgive this and if I did, how I would ever trust again. In playing the situation back in my head she became more attentive probably a few months ago and I wonder if that's when it really started. Or maybe that was a cry for attention.
Where do I start?
277 comments posted: Friday, July 9th, 2021