SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been lurking on this site for a month now and finally decided to post. Short story is that my wife and I have been married since 1994 and I found out about two months ago that she has been engaged in a physical affair with a friend of ours for about six months.

We are both in our mid to late forties, both in decent shape and we have a son who is grown and on his own. I will start off by saying that I have not been happy in my marriage for a good fifteen years or so. Around 2005 she had an affair with a coworker. I was devastated. I busted her, she did all the crying and hemming and hawing, promising never to cheat again. I kicked her out for a couple of months, and we went to a crappy counselor who basically blamed me for all her bad choices. Thinking I was at fault for it all, I sucked it up and we went on and basically buried the whole thing. She was relieved and seemed happy with me, but I kept my mouth shut and just lived with it because I thought that is what a man was supposed to do. Looking back that year was the year my soul started dying.

Now? Now I am actually relieved, almost ecstatic. You all do not need to console me because I am not in pain. If anything I am happy because now I can divorce my cheater and get out of this fake marriage without having to feel like the bad guy or that I am in the wrong. She has given me the reason I have need for fifteen year to finally escape without my friends and family villainizing me.

I can say with confidence that I have been a good husband to her all these years. Perfect? No of course not. But I have never done anything over the past fifteen years to warrant this treatment. She knows full well that if she were caught again, then that would be it: which leads me to believe this is an exit affair on her part and she wants me to bust her. That is the feeling I get. Maybe I am wrong, but I have a hard time thinking she is that stupid to cheat again after what we went through before and expect me to forgive her again.

So over the past two months I have gathered all the evidence I need to divorce her. I have not confronted her yet or had her served. I do want to eventually expose her to our friends and families in order to protect my own reputation, but I have some questions:

One: Should I wait until after the divorce is final to expose her to our families and the other guy's wife? If I expose now word might get back to her employer and I don't want her getting fired. I made the stupid mistake of marrying and living in a state where alimony is mandatory, so if she gets fired then I'm on the hook. She makes more than me. If she doesn't lose her job, I could ask for alimony, but I won't.

Two: How do I tell my son? He was just six when she cheated the first time and even though he couldn't understand at the time, he saw what it did to us and I think he was affected by our separation. He will be pissed at her, but I don't know any reason why I should lie to him.

Three: Should I ask her to move out, or try to keep things amicable until the divorce goes through and just live together? I want to keep the house, and in my divorce petition I state that I will buy out her share of the equity.

Four: I want to start dating again soon. Is there anyone here who went through a divorce where you lived with your spouse but dated other people? Or is it best to wait?

1. If you know for a fact that you will D, I would wait until after the D is final to expose. Exposure before D is typically recommended as a tool to cause an A to end, so that the married couple might R. You don't want to R.

As you note, you want to maximize her earning potential until the D is final, to minimize your chance of paying spousal support. Exposure could impugn her job. Therefore, wait until the final decree is filed in court, then expose.

By the way, I think you should ask for your lawyer's advice about requesting spousal support from your WW, and follow that advice. Don't waive legal rights to appear magnanimous. It's a tactical error that you'll regret later.

2. Your son is now an adult. Tell him the factual truth. You can do that using neutral words that don't amount to calling your WW a pejorative term.

3. In many states, moving out prior to D can undermine legal rights. I'd consult with your lawyer about this before taking any action.

4. Date whenever you feel like it. However, if you're still under the same roof with your WW, your date won't be comfortable coming home with you. Also, the D will likely mess you up emotionally more than you expect it will. Out of fairness to a woman you might become involved with, be up front about your status.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:41 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

One: I do think the other spouse deserves to know, but I wouldn’t expose to family and friends until after you are safe from having to pay alimony to a cheater.

Two: I think you should take it slow telling your son. I would tell him you are splitting up and maybe say that you did all that you could. And then give him more information if he asks for it. You know him best of course. I wouldn’t give him details or trash his mom to him. It will be a lot for him to digest and he will grieve and feel betrayal as well. Just keep that in mind.

Three: I would ask her to move out. If she does great, if she refuses, just ignore her as much as you can. Don’t leave the house, I have heard people say it can cause you issues in the division of property.

Four: I would wait until you are divorced to date for many reasons. If you aren’t going to do that then I would not get serious with anyone. Also if your wife tells the son she wants to reconcile, and then son hears you have been dating, he may see you as a cheater as well. I would really wait.

TheWrongOne,

Sorry to hear you've been living in such a toxic marriage for so long.

Regarding your questions, I highly recommend you consult your attorney to determine if any near term employment issues with your wife might impact your divorce settlement. It will likely depend on the laws in your state. Further, your lawyer may have some guidance on the timing for informing others. If you're clear to inform, I would let everyone (family, OBS, employer) know just before you serve her. That way, she and the OM cannot control the narrative.

You should definitely sit down with your son once you plan to file (in person, if possible) and simply tell him the truth. All of it. He's an adult now and you should be honest with him and answer any questions he might have.

One last note. You said she makes more than you and you could request some alimony. In lieu of alimony, could you ask for more equity in the house? Depending on the difference in pay and potential alimony, you may not even have to buy her out of the house (or have a minimal payment). Definitely check with your attorney on this point.

Good luck!

If you don't want her fired immediately then wait until the divorce is completed and you are rid of her. Speak to a lawyer to see what your options are.

You can give serious consideration to exposing to your family. If you expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse there is every chance she could end your wife's employment.

Telling your son. Be straight with him. You can spare him the details save that mom is cheating on you.

Why not ask her to move out? Depending on whether or not you have exposed the affair to anyone you have excellent leverage assuming she cares about her "reputation."

Dating. It would be best to wait. It will bother your wayward wife and I assume you do not want her combative during the divorce process. Speak to your lawyer if there any consequences if you choose to date before the divorce is over. Also if you cannot wait to date you had better expose the affair to your son, family and friends so that they will not be turned against you.

If you like I can PM you the experience of another user and how he chose to handle his situation. He was methodical and blindsided his wayward wife.

Maybe I am wrong, but I have a hard time thinking she is that stupid to cheat again after what we went through before and expect me to forgive her again

You “forgave” her the last time, this is probably just what she expects again.

Unless they are coworkers and she is his superior or her job has some kind of morality clause I don’t know why exposure would jeopardize her employment.

You can ask her to move out, you can make an excellent argument that since she broke her vows (again) she has an obligation to give you space, but she has the legal right to stay.

Tell your so the truth, age appropriate of course.

Most advise against dating anytime soon. You seem to have already processed the death of your marriage. You may want to do a few IC sessions to make sure that’s the case. If you end up doing in house separation, things could get messy, especially with your son there as well.

Just be careful with what you do before divorce. Don’t move out of the house, but check with your attorney. I was going to move out, but my attorney said I would be on the hook for child support/alimony during that time. And let her decide if she wants to move out. Maybe say “I think you should find another place to stay…” but don’t force the issue. IHS is hell (ask me how I know), but just keep focused on getting out of infidelity and don’t force the issue…just get to a quick and amicable divorce. The more issues you create the more potential for a longer divorce and court hearings to make decisions for you both. I can’t stress enough, no matter what anyone says here…check with your attorney. I’m not an attorney and anyone here who is will likely tell you to check with your attorney.

Don’t worry about exposing to friends and family until after the D. I don’t know what to say about the OBS…she should know, I just don’t know about timing. That’s a tough one. My gut tells me she should know ASAP, but you need to get out of dodge without a long drawn out divorce process. I think you may be better keeping a low profile until the D is final.

And tell your son the truth. I have 2 daughters 14 and 16, I just told them “I hope you will understand that I can’t stay married to your mother while she is dating <<AP’s name here>>.” Very simple, very truthful, to the point, and not derogatory to their mother (I could have said your fucking whore mother is sleeping around, so I am divorcing her, but I didn’t).

I feel you. You can make a clean exit.

Congrats on your new life. May it bring peace.

Get alimony. Do what your attorney says. No one plays well in a divorce. She’s already established that she is a sick narcissistic fuck. Don’t be fooled into playing fair. Go for her balls. If for nothing else, than to make the rest of us who can’t go for their balls feel better.

On the new chick- not yet. Get some fuck buddies, but no one serious yet. Play the field a bit. Find a chick in the same boat. I know I wouldn’t be anywhere close to being a good partner yet. Fuck around and have the fun you missed out on for the past 15 years. Just be straight forward with the chicks. I think most of us would respect that.

Tell your son the truth. Even about her other affair. It’s not your shame to hide.

You know your wife better than anyone on these boards. You figure out the best way to keep it amicable/maximize your divorce settlement. I know I strategized that way, but eventually didn't ever get divorced.

Talk with your lawyer as it relates to legal strategy. The best legal advice anyone can give you on this board is to talk to your lawyer.

asc1226 the affair partner is a guy who is a subcontractor to the construction company she works for. She and I have both known him for many years and I know his wife pretty well. My wife is the CFO of her company and is in a position where she manages all the money going in and out of the company.

The affair partner is an electrician. I am a structural engineer and I do consulting work for my wife's company. I know most of the project managers and executives there and if any of them were to find out through the grapevine that she and this guy were hooking up and that is what ended our marriage it could cause issues for her.

Thing is, I am not out to destroy my wife's reputation or to hurt her financially. I just want to not be the bad guy, but because both our families are Baptists they are going to pressure me not to divorce her. If I do I will get castigated for not being a good husband to her, because in my religion it is the husband's fault if his wife cheats. I am building a case against that.

I’m sorry, you can take the girl out of the ghetto, but there will be no removing the ghetto from me, no matter where I live.

Please. Please, can you tell her you want a divorce because you love her, but you’re not *IN* love with her?!?!?

Scorch the earth, my friend. After you get your money.

Sorry, anger and dark humor are my shit ass coping skills.

Maybe give us a Venmo or GoFundMe to help pay for the billboard of the pictures from the PI? Living vicariously through you.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 11:17 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

I just want to not be the bad guy, but because both our families are Baptists they are going to pressure me not to divorce her. If I do I will get castigated for not being a good husband to her, because in my religion it is the husband's fault if his wife cheats.

Check out Divorce Minister's blog page and his book on Amazon. Will help you fight back against evangelicals who increasingly excuse female infidelity (it's a very unfortunate trend) with their heretical theology on this issue (I'm not saying on all issues). And don't let them throw the Book of Hosea at you - ever! The Book of Hosea and Hosea's actions are NOT normative. They are not expected.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:23 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

asc1226 the affair partner is a guy who is a subcontractor to the construction company she works for. She and I have both known him for many years and I know his wife pretty well. My wife is the CFO of her company and is in a position where she manages all the money going in and out of the company.

Then you probably should keep a lid on it until the divorce is final. Only exceptions being close friends and family who have proven they can keep their mouths shut. Of course, she may take this out of your hands by trying to smear you. You can use potential exposure as leverage to keep her truthful in what, if anything, she says to others.

As others have said above, your lawyer is the best person to address most of your questions. They’ll know what applies or not in your area.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 11:25 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

Thank you 3yrsout. I hear you. Actually my wife is not those things really. She is actually a hard working and self deprecating person, not a narcissist so much as she just tends to be very self absorbed. She has always been a people pleaser and has always wanted people to like and respect her.

To be honest, I think she has felt the wall I put up between the two of us all those years ago and maybe she has been lonely. She has not ever said so, but that is what I think. I have always supported her, but I admit I have not "let her in" or let her get close to my emotional side for a decade and a half. I sort of shut off that side of our intimacy.

She's not a ho. After all the reading I have done on sites like this one, I have come to believe she's a run of the mill adulterer, who is looking for another man to validate her I guess. She is weak. She always has been and has admitted to me many times she has issues with self esteem. That is why she has always over-achieved in her work life.

But I don't really care anymore you know? I don't love her as a husband should anymore. I like her, I like hanging around with her as a person, but I shut off the husband-heart a long time ago. If anyone has been faking it it has been me.

Check out Divorce Minister's blog page and his book on Amazon. Will help you fight back against evangelicals who increasingly excuse female infidelity (it's a very unfortunate trend) with their heretical theology on this issue (I'm not saying on all issues). And don't let them throw the Book of Hosea at you - ever! The Book of Hosea and Hosea's actions are NOT normative. They are not expected.

Thank you Thumos. I will check this out.

Also have you read either "The Way of the Superior Man" or "No More Nice Guy"?

I would recommend both - short reads. Superior Man has some woo-woo New Agey stuff in there, but ultimately the message is very solid. I think it could really help you as it sounds like from what you've posted, you've kind of lost your sense of self and your mojo.

If you haven't I would also urge you to get a gym with a serious weightlifting area (not play weights) and start lifting hard, heavy and often in a disciplined way. Cardio can only do so much. I believe Jim Stoppani's "Shortcut to Size" protocol is excellent for men our age, and if you stick with it you find yourself transformed and your confidence soaring.

NMMNG has been a great help over the years, although I do stray from the path from time to time. As for working out, I am in good shape and not very overweight, but I have a back issue that precludes me from doing much weightlifting. I do mostly walking, jogging and cardio each day.

I will check out Way of the Superior Man. For now I'm just going to focus on getting past this next week where I will confront and serve her the petition. After whatever happens I will start on my self improvement regime with gusto. Believe me I have a list of items I plan on doing.

She and I have both known him for many years and I know his wife pretty well.

If you’ve been lurking here you know the standard advice is that the other betrayed spouse should be told. 1 because it stops the affair (not applicable from your side, but maybe from the other betrayed spouse’s) and 2 because they deserve to know. Do you think OBS can be trusted not to go scorched earth and get them both canned?

[This message edited by asc1226 at 11:52 AM, May 6th (Thursday)]

Not to thread jack here, but I have a terrible back. Slipped discs etc. Pretty much chronic back pain. Weightlifting actually helps more than anything else I've tried because it activates all of your muscle groups, strengthens your core and activates micro muscles. Just sayin. I simply modify: For example I won't do military shoulder press except with a Smith machine. I won't do squats except in the form of a Smith machine or leg press machine. You can modify around back issues, trust me.

I know most of the project managers and executives there and if any of them were to find out through the grapevine that she and this guy were hooking up and that is what ended our marriage it could cause issues for her.

Consequences are not causing her issues. It doesn't sound like her employment would be at risk since he wasn't a co-worker, but sometimes those with high level money responsibilities are held to a higher ethical standard than the general populace. In this situation I'd probably not notify them directly but wouldn't go out of my way to lie for her either.
Family, friends, and the OBS I would expose her to the day she is served. The OBS has her own nightmare to navigate and deserves to know as soon as possible so she can begin her journey. Exposing to family and friends will short circuit the pressure to reconcile from them and allow those capable of providing you and your son the support needed to heal.
Dating, I would shelf until the divorce is finalized. Six months after actually. I think you'll be more impacted by this than you think and that's not fair to inflict on potential partners. Plus you only get one chance to make a good impression, so you don't want to be inadvertently crossing potentials off your list until you are really ready to date.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:01 PM, Thursday, May 6th]