SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I could really use some perspective. Divorcing a monster is hard. I am really hurting today.

I have a saying now. I can do hard things.

My biggest take a way from divorcing the Chstbex (cheating soon to be ex) is that I should have not given any ground to an unrepentant cheater.

I gave. He took.

The only thing that is certain is that he is lying and manipulating and smearing. Lying that he would divide things in a fair manner. Lying about what a nice guy he is and how unreasonable I am..

Biggest mistake I made is filing without a signed written settlement agreement.

And the people who tell me that I should just let him take whatever and stop fighting.... until it happens to them...

(((She hawk))) they really can be wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Too late to get an attorney?

1st wife

I have an attorney. The first attorney is the one who failed to tell me until agreement could not be reached that the best course of action would have been to have had the agreement before filing.

He is doing the standard thing now...both hiding and squandering assetts.

Yes, it truly takes awhile to grasp the concept that when they cheat they lie. And if they lie or lying comes easily to them, then what makes us think they will "now" do the right thing?

Repeating what I have seen on here many times but people forget, the marriage is about love, the divorce is a business deal, that you are trying to get OUT of, if this was someone you were in business with would you give them that much rope?

Not saying it is you....when it comes to cheating, liars and manipulators we seem to have a hard time accepting exactly who they are, meaning.... "When they show you who they are, believe them."

You now know... go all out to get it done. Best of luck to you, stay strong.

[This message edited by realitybites at 12:19 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

I could really use some perspective. Divorcing a monster is hard. I am really hurting today.

Your perspective is pretty spot-on, so I disagree with that part.

I'm very sorry that you are hurting. It sucks. It really really sucks.

(((Shehawk)))

Thanks Barcher and bites and everyone. This really hurts.

And your kind messages and perspectives and ((virtual hugs)) really do help.

(((Shehawk))) I'm so sorry I know what you mean. I get nothing from my ex (we are currently going through a legal separation) I'm also not expecting anything either. He is NPD and anything he does doesn't surprise me anymore. Still not fair. It sucks

Shehawk I can empathize too. Divorcing a monster is hard.

Good to remember your maxim, I can do hard things.

But it can also feel bloody unfair, having to be relentlessly resilient and fearless.

Sending you strength.

This week has felt like a knife in my chest. Every once in awhile I catch myself thinking he will solve even one thing...just one thing to get things closer to finalization....nope. hasn't happened.

It feels like he is punishing me dragging this out.

He knows I won't cheat so every day that this drags out is groundhog day in limbo for me.

The first attorney is the one who failed to tell me until agreement could not be reached that the best course of action would have been to have had the agreement before filing.

I don’t get this…

In ALL negotiations it’s better that both parties reach an agreement rather than have a third party decide what is fair. That is plain and simple logic and I don’t really see how the first attorney failed on that issue.

But that’s why divorce is a court procedure. If the parties can’t agree to a resolution the court takes over. There are laws and regulations in place and yes – it does cost but frankly that cost would probably be less than you stand to lose if he squanders and/or hides the marital assets.

Furthermore – a judge won’t just sit there and be spoon-fed bullshit. He has immense power to demand info and decide action. If your husband is being a monster then go for the monster-killer and take this to court ASAP.

I am sorry you have to go through that. It must be very difficult.

I have been through two marriages that ended in the xH cheating horribly. The first ex gave me everything. He only took his own personal clothing and a few pots and pans / dishes.

The second ex had the audacity to fight me for things he would never be able to use, so that his family could have them. He was interested in things and I wanted as far away from his horribleness that I couldn't get the divorce finalized fast enough. It was more important that I give up stuff I didn't need, because it is just stuff, than it was to be married to him for one second longer than I had to be.

I think it is perspective and priorities. I needed to protect my children and myself.

What Bigger said.

Thanks Graphite.

And Bigger what I was saying was that the divorce was supposed to be have been a simple no contest divorce. It wasn't because the chex (cheating ex) chooses to continue conflict rather than come to agreement. To date he has not come to agreement about any aspect of the divorce. None. Natha. Zip Zilch.

My first attorney said is that he should have advised me to have the agreement the chex promised he would give me in place and signed before filing for divorce. That way the chex would not have had an opportunity to turn it into a circus complete with flying monkeys.

A collaborative divorce would have cost maybe $2500 in that case and it would have been done years ago. Live and learn. I have learned I can't trust the chex to keep his word about anything.

Could you hire a forensic accountant to find what he is hiding?

nekonamida

Could you hire a forensic accountant to find what he is hiding?

BINGO!

Where I live you are supposed to file ASAP and that is the date that legally stops both parties from making any financial moves or creating a new starting point financially. After this is when the agreement is drawn up.

Trying to do it backwards has the vulnerable spouse showing their cards too early.

Any person hiding money from the full legal disclosure forms that are required, will loose that money to the other spouse if it is discovered. (hence the forensic accountant if needed). Your lawyer can make this clear to him if he has not been made aware. Just knowing may have him replacing what he has moved, you never know.

BTW, collaborative divorces have a bad reputation in cases where one spouse has betrayed the other. They are for upfront divorces where both parties just want to move on.

Do you have court ordered mediation? Its partially subsidized where I live and cost your own lawyers fees plus about $350. (You can ask for the other party to cover your cost as part of the settlement, which they usually never do)

It kept us out of court. We were in separate rooms where we could consult with our own lawyers privately as the deal was brought back and forth. Once he has the pressure of court if the mediation isn't agreed to, a time limit, and you are safe with your own lawyer, then you are in a position to negotiate.

And the people who tell me that I should just let him take whatever and stop fighting.... until it happens to them...

So glad you ignored this!!

Good luck. They all drag their feet by the way, it is just part of their nature.

His lawyer filed alleging contempt again.

Almost a year an a half since I filed after he agreed to just divide things because he refused to stop cheating. Almost 2 years since I have seen him and over 2 years since he left. In all that time he has not agreed to divide even even one piece of marital property.

The court can eliminate monsters from your bed but it can also be used as an instrument to inflict abuse too.

Each time I have to go to court it costs thousands of dollars and I don't know where the next infusion of marital funds to fuel the legal protection I need is coming from.

He took both vehicles when he left. I don't qualify for a loan to replace the car. I borrow cars from friends or get rides.

I am still fighting Lyme disease and stress makes the symptoms worse.

I am choosing between needed health care, eating, and paying lawyers and witnesses to continue to fight. I am fighting for my life.

My lesson is to not underestimate what an unrepentant wayward is capable of. Corralary is don't count on life being fair and some people can make justice at least temporarily blind by their charisma.

My lesson is to not underestimate what an unrepentant wayward is capable of. Corralary is don't count on life being fair and some people can make justice at least temporarily blind by their charisma.

I'm sorry about this... but again, your perspective is spot-on. These assholes will try to ruin you if they can. It just sucks.

Anna

I found out today that there are volunteer mediators in my area.

Wow!!