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Tonight my BS asked if I had been sexting the night I got caught in my EA. I tried to soften the blow on D-day and said it was heavy flirting. I told her the truth that I had. She found out from a co-worker tonight making matters worse. This sucks and I have no idea what tomorrow will be. Doesn’t know if she wants to stay or go. We’ve got two small kids but she doesnt want to be anywhere near me. At least there are no more lies.

D-day was a little over 2 weeks ago

At least there are no more lies

Is your wife a member?

Because that sounds like you are trying to convince her.

No she isn’t. I just don’t know wether to tell specific details or not.

You tell her whatever she wants to know, and you volunteer what she hasn't thought to ask (though you should set ground rules first for how explicit to be -- ground rules that she can change at any time).

Whenever I see a wayward say, "I got caught in this lie, but at least it was the last one," I wince. IMO, the authentic "last lie" is almost always something the spouse doesn't already know.

"Joseph's Letter"

You'll find it in The Healing Library (see yellow shaded area at the top-left of the page), inside the "Articles" section. Or... copy & paste...

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

I didn't want all the details. What I wanted to know was whether or not my FWW had the courage to tell me whatever I wanted to know.

Rule #1 of Reconciliation: No more lies.

Trickle truth. Most will say don't do it. But most of us have done it.

I agree with answering questions honestly.

However, allow her to ask the questions in her own time.

There will likely be more and more questions within the next few weeks.

If and when she asks for a timeline, grab a calendar and help her fill in the blanks as she points to certain dates or weeks on the calendar.

Do take some time on this forum for yourself. It's hard for a WS to find a safe place to share.

Thank you for your replies. I read Joseph’s Letter and it helps.

BNT,

Since your last posts how has the job search been going?

What exactly did your BW find out from a co-worker last night?

I though much of this EA was 6 years ago and coworkers were just fueling the rumour mill was all? I guess there is a lot more to this story than we've seen yet...

At least there are no more lies.

There may not be anymore lies as you see it, but there is likely still a lot more truth to tell, and then a lot of looking in the mirror for you to start to understand the whys of all of this.

Look, I don't know you. Whatever you've done is not going to lead any of us here to be surprised, or shocked, or to think less of you. We've all cheated. We are all trying to deal with that truth. We can help you, but you really need to be be honest with not only us, but yourself too, if you want to get some real help.

So let's start from the top - You had an EA a few years ago at work, you lied about it at first and gaslit your BW until about 3 weeks ago when your conscience got the better of you (ie your BW was not buying your lies at that point) and you told the truth. Or did you? and now last night some new revelation....

My bet is this coworker blew the above story to shreds.

@MrCleanSlate

My job search is ok. Nothing yet. I applied to at least 4 or 5 jobs a day. I had 2 interviews last week but they didn't work out.

It was the sexting part. On D-day I told her the OW and I had been chatting online for 2 months and we were caught flirting one night by her daughter. I was trying to soften the blow. I knew I lied and I wanted to tell her the truth after talking to you guys. I didn't know wether to straight up tell her while she was still reeling or wait until she wanted more info. She must have asked the co-worker exactly what the rumor was. She confronted me on it last night and I told it was true. I kept it from her, another lie, another secret and now we are back to day 1.

"There may not be anymore lies as you see it, but there is likely still a lot more truth to tell"

I think I know what you mean. The sexting and keeping the EA a secret are the two big lies to me, but there is more questions she'll want answered. I don't know what those are, or I would tell her.

It's been a pretty bad night/day.

[This message edited by BrokenNTired at 11:21 AM, December 17th (Thursday)]

W's IC told her in my presence to answer every question I asked.

If your BS doesn't ask for details, I suggesting offering them, but not giving them unless your BS wants to hear them.

Also, I suggest that every so often you ask after you answer a question something like, 'Is that the right level of detail?'

BNT,

The next while will be full of some pretty bad days and nights. All you can do is set aside everything else and be supportive of your BW.

I think you are seeing that holding back details is not going to protect anybody. Right now your BW is going to have a hard time accepting anything you say at face value.

So where to go from here? Well, Your BW is still in discover mode. Try to provide her as much details as you can. Write out a timeline and have it ready to give to her. Talking is good. Be honest. Don't try to minimize. If you are not sure, say so.

BW here:

If you are not sure, say so.

I would add: AND tell your BW that you will work to find answers. Saying "I don't remember" or "I don't recall" can be one of the worst things for a BS to hear. We can "hear" that as things like: so, you destroyed our M for something you didn't even care enough about to remember? " Or "that's a lie". And a whole host of things in between.

So, if you don't know/can't remember something your BW is asking, of course you need to be honest about that. But that is not - for me and most BS - the "end" of it. I would want/need to ALSO hear: And I will think about it and see if I can figure that one out.

Thank you all for you advice. I am really glad that SI is available and appreciate everyone taking time out of their day to reply to me.

This sums up how I, as a BS felt as well:

I didn't want all the details. What I wanted to know was whether or not my FWW had the courage to tell me whatever I wanted to know.

So, if you don't know/can't remember something your BW is asking, of course you need to be honest about that. But that is not - for me and most BS - the "end" of it. I would want/need to ALSO hear: And I will think about it and see if I can figure that one out.

I second this. There was a long, long gap between my D-Day 1, when I confessed a minimized version of the A, and D-Day 2, when the TT started. Because of the gap (and my own internal rewriting of history so I could live with myself), I really had forgotten key things. Some of them I still don't remember; for example, I can't remember the NC conversation with OM. I have a general sense that he took it with resignation, and I'm sure I was kinder than I should have been, but that's it. I also don't remember telling him I had accepted BH's proposal (yes, this was before NC; I have a fucked up timeline). Obviously, most BS would want to know every last word of these conversations, and "I forget" is a really convenient sounding answer. But there it is. The memories are gone.

For other questions, there was work I could do to reconstruct. I could read old emails to friends who weren't OM (I long ago deleted his); I could look at credit card bills, paper calendars, etc. I had kept a box of OM's letters in the closet of my house that I grew up in. When my dad kept putting off sending the box to me, I bit the bullet and told him exactly what they were and why I needed them immediately. That was humiliating, and my BH didn't actually insist on me doing it; he said he could endure the wait for Dad to get around to it. But if there was anything within my power to offer BH some peace, I did it on my own. Helping a BS heal means going well beyond the minimum.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 4:34 PM, December 17th (Thursday)]

May I offer you some advice my man? Be kind to her by not convincing yourself that you know what's best for her by attempting to control the narrative at any point. The kindest, most loving and trust-building thing you can possibly do is give her the most secret and truthful answers you can... and you'll simultaneously give yourself the best opportunity to survive all of this together.

I hope you have the strength to follow through with this advice.

Been there done that. It took me a year to fully come clean, I was trying to spare WW/BW the pain and for awhile I felt justified because she was the first one to step out of the marriage.

practice not saying the following.

"I swear it will never happen again."

"I swear I've told you everything."

"You can trust me now."

This all may be true, but it will piss her off.