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Is it awkward or pleasant for you to have sex with your spouse again?

What is it like from the BS' perspective?

It's both. It's neither. It switches between the two day by day.

It can be pleasant and then all of a sudden become awkward.

It can be awkward and uncomfortable - and then all of a sudden become pleasant.

It can be pleasant one time... awkward and lacking in enjoyability the next.

All part of the rollercoaster.

Oops - didn't see the first word ("WS" in title.

If you're asking only WS', mods will probably lock thos thread and advise you to ask in the thread designated for BS' questions for WS'...

From a codependent BS - For me it was vitally important to have sex immediately and frequently after DDay.

That evolved into HB where we screwed more often and with more vigor than we did as teens or newlyweds. Of course for me over time it went from being an intimate thing to being just sex for quite some time. It was what I had to do to keep my heart protected. I did not feel safe in being vulnerable, so for me it was important for it to be fun, about me, and reaching the promised land. If not then I had issues keeping focused, and enjoying it.

From a BH perspective, it’s never the same.

That’s not to say it lacks pleasure. Of course it is pleasurable. Most of the time. But there’s always a shadow looming over it and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

I've tried to stay out of these sort of questions probably because I'm still confused and everything I'm dealing with seems so different than others, but here goes.

I definitely want something I'm not getting. I'm not getting his desire that I used to get. He explains it as the fact that he doesn't deserve it (Yes I now know same words of other WS) so I feel it's now about me. That's not what I want long term. I'm hoping this changes because it's too important to me. Then again do I want to start this with a new partner? No I know the answer to that, or maybe I don't, it's all something I didn't envisage dealing with so who knows what the future holds.i just know that right now it's not perfect and maybe will never be again.

From a BS perspective.

For me/us its mostly very pleasant. I will get flashes of my WW with her AP sometimes during sex but I do everything I can to keep him out of our bedroom.

sex is pleasant, but still... I don't feel as special as I once did making love to my wife.

I will answer this for my wife because we had a similar discussion not all that long ago. When I asked her what emotions she felt, she said both sadness and joy. Sadness that she knew it was difficult for me, but joy that she was able to experience lovemaking again. Sadness about what she had done/discussed with AP, but joy that we could experience that intimacy again.

From my perspective...it's difficult. I have to focus - like LASER focus - if anything is to happen for me these days. The mind movies that had once gone away, returned. While I can control them better, they still came back.

So for me, it's difficult.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 3:44 PM, February 28th (Friday)]

As a BH, I still struggle with this. It will never be the same.

If you ask my WW, she would say she has had the best sex of her life, hands down, after dday.

I felt (and still do a little) like I was battling a ghost in the bedroom. I felt like I had to be better.

Since disclosure, sex is emotionally painful and I get sad a lot. It is still enjoyable, but only when I focus on myself. Otherwise, the intrusive thoughts and mind movies completely derail me. I'm hoping it improves with time, but I don't think it will ever have that special intimacy and connection again.

After D-Day we did the hysterical bonding until it tapered off. Then had sex to enjoy myself but still had issues with the mind movies. After False R I became repulsed during sex all the way up to the point of my deciding to separate.

I'm the BW. Immediately after dday, during HB, it was emotionally painful. I cried afterward every time. Now, 5 years later, it's purely physical for me. There is no emotional connection involved for me. My H says it means everything to him.

Physically, it was never awkward.

We haven’t had sex in 10+ months.

Before that, it was only out of obligation or to conceive our children, from my POV. Now we don’t bother to pretend anymore.

My WS seems to have a higher sex drive than before the A. Sex has been great and trying to keep up. However I do get frequent thoughts of the AP having been there and that usually ends up in an non enjoyable session.

If you ask my WW, she would say she has had the best sex of her life, hands down, after dday.

Same here. Of course, in my case, that's because the A finally got her to "open the menu" (as she did for the OM) so, I have a lot more ways to make it the "best ever" for her. If you filmed our sex together now, you could sell it. It's basically full on porn star sex. Technically amazing, there's nothing off limits, and we do it all regularly. If you asked me 10 years ago, "what do you want with your wife sexually RIO" I honestly don't think I could have even gotten all the stuff on the list now. It's the sex life of my dreams basically, and has been for years now.

But, there's also a nightmare there. The nightmare is the AP watching us have sex and laughing that "she's not having as many orgasms as she did with me", "your d**k is smaller" and, the worst (and most common) of all, "she's only doing this to keep your wallet around you idiot, she did it with me because she wanted to". What does that mean in the bedroom? Well, I have difficulty looking at her face. Kissing her. Talking to "her", I can dirty talk all day, but actually talking to her? Very difficult.

I guess the old adage, be careful what you wish for, has come to me in spades. Ask me when I was 20, "what do you want in a marriage" and I'd describe, word for word, the sex life we have now. Putting it very succinctly, I wanted a "Porn star who only f**ked me". Well, that's exactly what I have. If I see it on porn, I know I can be doing it 10 minutes from now with a smile and "that sounds like fun". The "be careful what you wish for" part is the price that I had to pay to get it. The price was NOT worth it, yes, I'm sleeping with someone who can make a porn star blush, but I didn't realize that "porn star" sex came with the strings attached of "sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex with you". That part of "porn" wasn't front of mind, these women are being paid for their participation, no matter how happy they look about it, they are being paid, and that's why they are doing it, not a desire for the male (or female) actor. Well, that's what I have, technically "perfect" sex with someone who's being "paid" to do it. I just have to push it out of my mind and stop thinking about the "kibbles for sex" thing to enjoy it, but that's very difficult. I've come to understand that what I thought I knew about sex in the past was nearly 100% wrong, and that revelation has taken a lot (most of) the sexual wind out of my sails. So, to complete my porn analogy, I'm the guy with an incredibly hot actress who's ready to do the "guys ultimate list of fantasies" with me on film and can't get myself hard to perform. It's actually not a physical thing, it's mental, but the idea is the same. Just almost no drive for it anymore after realizing it was just "sex for kibbles" for her.

It's both. It's neither. It switches between the two day by day.

It can be pleasant and then all of a sudden become awkward.

It can be awkward and uncomfortable - and then all of a sudden become pleasant.

It can be pleasant one time... awkward and lacking in enjoyability the next.

All part of the rollercoaster.

Yup.

I started with reclamation sex - reclaiming what was mine (not my W but her attention and commitment, despite my being uncommitted to R at that point).

But that was 9+ years ago. For the last 5-5.5 years, it's been good-great, within the constraints of our age. When we got married, sex in which one partner was over 50 was considered 'geriatric' sex, and we're way past 50 now.

You have to use it or lose it, and we've had to interrupt using it for recovering from surgery, for example. But we keep coming back ... I feel strong desire sometimes, and a strong sense of obligation if I don't. W seems to have both a strong sense of desire and a strong sense of willingness to please....

We focused on sex in R. I think improvement comes with desire, focus, and healing - and it doesn't happen overnight. Overall, I was satisfied pre-A, and I think sex is better now. It got better 3.5-4 years after d-day for us. Your timeline is likely to vary.

BS here.

It’s both. Sex is good and he never leaves me unsatisfied.

But sometimes mind movies come back and play a role and I can’t get into it. He accepts it because it’s not like they will likely ever go away.

I think one thing that did help me save myself from absolutely destroying myself and my sex Drive is I don’t want details. I don’t want to know.

I’m one of those people who could never have sex again and be absolutely ok with it. IC and MC told me to make absolute certainty that I wanted to know. He was willing to answer and still does answer questions I ask.

BS here. And I'm going to be candid.

I make sure sex is good for ME. I was hit with the HB bug [which helped]. But I make damn sure to fu*k away any memory of AP. Mostly from me - I've seen photos of them in bed together and sextversations describing their past exploits and plans for future ones. And those mind movies hit hard. So - I "hit it" harder.

So - SEX - yeah. All good in the Land of Chaos.

Making love - sweet romantic love - special intimacy - where no one but the two of us exist for each other...that is a different story.

BS here- we had major HB to where my sex drive has gone off the chart. The first few times after DD I cried. It was emotionally exhausting for me. I made him stop the first few times. But then wow! For him, his sex drive seems to have diminished some but according to this sex we are still really high. He says since he is not watching porn or sexting all the time he no longer feels the need for it all the time, no longer the forefront of his thoughts. We are still 3-4 times a week though. For me, I now make it about me. I seemed to have gained a voice of this is working and this is not working for me. He has no problem with that from what he says and does.

[This message edited by AnnieMae at 12:58 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]