SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My [27F] husband [31M] was my best friend. Partner in life. Soul mate (I believe we choose our soulmates and I chose him). We had done so many awesome things together - travel and move across country with only what we could fit in our car, travel together outside of the country, we started a business, adopted a kitten, and we had plans for much more, including having children. I want more than anything to be a mom.

The problem is, 4 months ago I found out he had been in a 6 month long affair. Cheating is not necessarily a dealbreaker, but this wasn't an accident. When I found out about the affair, he made up a story about how he met AP at Chipotle, they were just friends, and had only been in contact for a week. I fought him for his phone, sent myself her contact info, and she told me the truth. They had met on a dating site and had been seeing each other for months. They had sex multiple times and she did not even know he was married. I was crushed.

I always saw him as this model husband and now I feel like I don't even know the person I've spent the past 6 years with. He cut off contact with AP, claims he doesn't care about her and it was only for sex, appeared truly remorseful, and maintains that he wants to work things out. I still love him so much, but I don't think I can stay with him and I feel sad and guilty about that. Despite his efforts, I don't see him in the same light, and the fact that he lied to my face for months (I had a feeling and asked multiple times if something was going on) shows that he has no regard for my mental or emotional health. The gaslighting really did a number on me, along with the emotional and sexual neglect, and lack of affection and attention - this has all done a number on my self-esteem.

Not only that, but had I not found out on my own, how long would this affair have gone on? He has already admitted he planned on never telling me. He claims his plan was to get this "out of his system" and then break things off with AP. To me, this speaks volumes about his character. He hurt 2 women for seemingly no good reason.

My issue is that I'm so on the fence about working things out or going my own way. I was fully prepared up until 4 months ago to spend the rest of my life with this man and start a family. I'm having a hard time mourning that loss. I'm a very attractive woman and I know I'm a "catch," but what if I never meet someone else I can trust enough to start the family I dream of with? What if I never have a connection with anyone else like I had with my husband? I don't want to be alone forever and it's all so scary.

Worst of all is the guilt I feel about not currently being willing to reconcile or do marriage counseling. I'm in individual counseling and have told my husband to give me my space and that we are now only married on paper - the spiritual and emotional bond is now broken. I know my husband is resentful because of "everything he did for me" and the fact that he's now willing to "do anything" to fix our relationship. But what about the the 6 months he was cheating? Why couldn't he do everything in his power then, instead of starting a whole new relationship?

If you made it this far, thank you SO MUCH for reading. I guess my questions are: how do I/any of you dealt with guilt associated with leaving a cheater? Do any of you regret leaving someone you love who betrayed you? If you stayed and reconciled, was it worth it?

I'm stuck living with my husband for at least 8 more months because I'm in trade school full time (perfect timing) and we decided I should finish and wait to start working full time before making any major moves, so I have time to think about this. We are currently living as roommates and barely talking, and it hurts so bad.

First off, don't feel guilty. You are ALLOWED for infidelity to be a dealbreaker. If you're like the rest of us, you stood before God and friends and promised to forsake all others. Infidelity is often a dealbreaker in marriage across cultures, so don't feel bad. Just don't.

Look, he went on a DATING SITE. He didn't trip and his penis just happened to fall into her vagina. This was planned and deliberate on his part.

Right now, his actions say he is nowhere near good husband material. He's not owning what he did, he's not owning the hurt he has caused you and he's badgering you about GETTING HIS WAY. It's not about him right now. Resentful is NOT a way to be remorseful and atone for what one did.

If he's really serious about your relationship, he would haul his butt into IC and figure out WHY he chose this path and what WITHIN HIM made this an attractive choice. If he's willing to "do anything," he has time to get started.

Actions, not words.

Cat

Leave. I didn’t 17 years ago and now I’m pushing 50 and it’s HARD. We had the kids and that made me vulnerable.

I’m not nearly as much as a catch, but there are tones of men out there who want to see me. It is hardly a wasteland.

You will always be waiting for the shoe to drop, because he will always know there is something he can do if he is mad, frustrated, etc. it’s a pattern and I firmly believe they do not change, and it is way too harmful to bank on the slim chance they might. I never cheated. I never would. It’s not in my dna or something. But it IS in theirs. It’s always an option because it was an option.

Cutting out a tumor is surgery, and that sucks, who would pick that? But you do, if you want to live.

You have no reason to feel guilty. He violated your trust. He abused you because infidelity is a form of abuse.

I'm 70 yrs. old and I'm here to tell you, you've got the power now and don't give it up, at least for the foreseeable future. You have every right to divorce him. You have every right to be angry and hurt and distant and even snappish at him. He violated you. He abused you.

Do not discount those words. I see too many young wives melt at the first words of apology that come out of the cheater's mouth. Don't do it. Continue your counseling. In the meantime, watch his actions. If he was a real man, a decent man, a man with integrity and morals, a man who deserved you, he would move heaven and earth to fix this. He'd go to counseling, he'd seek help to figure out how he could possibly have abused and violated you and then he'd do whatever it takes to fix himself so he doesn't do it again. Words are meaningless. He'll either man up and prove himself or you'll move on without him.

And the reason I am so hard-nosed and adamant is, the pain when it happens again 10, 20, 30 or even 40 yrs. later is so profound, you do not want it to happen to you. Trust me on that one. So, you continue on your path to healing and watch his actions. You'll know soon enough if he's got what it takes.

Wishing you all the best.

No guilt. Honestly, I think the odds are sky high that this is the tip of the iceberg. He was on a dating site seeking out women. What are the odds that you caught him the very first time with the very first person and that she's the only one? I find that doubtful. Even if it was just her, there's not "just" about it. This isn't a guy who became close with another person and had a "not just friends" affair. This is a man who, without emotions screwing with him, calculatedly decided to sleep with other people. Let's say his game is bad and it was just this one person. Had 25 women wanted to sleep with him, he'd have cheated 25 times.

I was married to this kind of cheater. I am thrilled to have left. There is no way on this earth that I could have reconciled with someone who could do this. You will be just fine without him. Better without him. It will be easier when enough time has passed for your heart to catch up to your brain and you are no longer in love with him. Time heals that part. I wish you could leave him today, because in-house separation is a nightmare.

I don't see him in the same light, and the fact that he lied to my face for months (I had a feeling and asked multiple times if something was going on) shows that he has no regard for my mental or emotional health. The gaslighting really did a number on me, along with the emotional and sexual neglect, and lack of affection and attention - this has all done a number on my self-esteem.

Yes it is usually the above more than the A itself that ended my M. My STBX put me through multiple A's and D-Days. I was a real sucker for punishment but the long marriage and two kids kept me fighting for something that wasn't worth fighting for.

I STILL have guilt for ending the M but I guess I would rather have it be on my terms than go through another discard when they leave you for the AP.

I agree with the others he has a lot of work to do on himself before he becomes a safe partner. You may still not want to be with him after he works on himself. Sometimes this kind of betrayal is an absolute dealbreaker.

You, dear lady, are not the one who should feel guilty about anything. You honored your vows.

Promise me - when you walk away do it with your head held high and leave a trail of glitter in your wake.

I don't see him in the same light, and the fact that he lied to my face for months (I had a feeling and asked multiple times if something was going on) shows that he has no regard for my mental or emotional health. The gaslighting really did a number on me, along with the emotional and sexual neglect, and lack of affection and attention - this has all done a number on my self-esteem.

This is great clarity. The disregard and loathing/resentment our spouses must have for us is chilling.

I'm a few months further out from discovery than you are and I'm finally stepping out of feeling so guilty. It's a phase we go through in processing our shock and trauma.

Several years ago, I left my first cheater, who I was with for 8 years. I missed him. I was sad as hell, but I never regretted it. I know I won't regret leaving my husband either.

Many of us on the receiving end of this are empathetic. It's tough to leave a broken person out there to fend for themselves. We get that they are fucked because of FOO, mental health or character disorders. Through a combination of nature and nature, they evolved into immoral, entitled cheaters while the rest of us came through with integrity. We feel sorry for them. It's not fair but it's more unfair to be harmed by them. Our obligation, first and foremost, is to take care of ourselves.

When you become a mother you don't want to be distracted by an untrustworthy spouse, snooping, feeling depressed and anxious, when you could be reveling in your children. You don't want to model this kind of fucked up dynamic to your kids, nor do you want an immature unethical man parenting them.

It's natural to think we'll never meet someone with the good qualities our spouses possess or to whom we will feel the same level of attraction, but as someone who has 30 years on you, I promise, you will, and more than once.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 1:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

All of you gave really excellent advice and anecdotes. I really appreciate this community so much! Thank you!

I am out the door at the moment, but I wanted to welcome you and let you know you should absolutely NOT feel guilty if infidelity is a dealbreaker for you. It was for me and many others, even after decades together. Starting over is really not as bad as it sounds once you get over the initial upheaval. Much better than living in a situation where resentment grows. That will kill your soul a little every day.

That being said, don't let fear of the unknown keep you stuck in a place you don't really want to be. I've bumped a thread for you titled "Fear vs Reality." This contains a lot of examples of what BS's feared versus what really ended up happening. You might want to read through it to see if it helps alleviate some of your fears.

If this were Instagram or Facebook, I would have liked every one of these responses. I don't have much to add, except that everyone who has responded gave you great advice. And we all know how hard it is to make an end, whether you are young or old.

It no longer is important what he wants. The only thing that matters is what you want. Whenever and whatever you decide it should be YOUR decision. Period.

Let’s face it - he had you 100%. But he chose to seek out others to cheat. At that point he has indicated that he’s not 100% satisfied with you &/or the marriage.

He may cry and beg and plead for another chance. You should not feel sympathy for him and you should know this is a typical cheater move.

You know the old saying - you make your bed now lie in it. And those are the consequences your cheating husband has to face. Whatever the outcome is - he has to accept it. He created this mess. He now has to live with it.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

You can do SO much better than him...finish your school and scram, you don’t need him in your life one day longer than that.

The only caveat to that would be in a state where you can file for cause of infidelity, talk to a lawyer or three about this.

Pink, you easily have another 60+ years of life to live. OF COURSE you will not be alone. You can easily find someone you will have a connection with. Probably even a better one built on love, honesty, and RESPECT.

These feelings are normal and they WILL pass. I was the same way as you when things ended with my XWBF and guess what? I'm married to someone who blew his ass out of the water in terms of compatibility and connection. And I was prepared to walk the isle with XWBF if he let me. Thank God he did not!

Keep talking to your IC about the guilt. It is misplaced. And keep in mind - your WH could be spending this time working on himself, bettering himself, and winning you back but instead he's sulking and blaming you for the marriage ending. HE ruined it and now he wants to blame YOU for it still being broken when he hasn't lifted a single finger to fix this? Doesn't matter that he SAID he would. He still hasn't. He said he would be faithful too and he didn't keep that promise either. Everything he says is hot air without actions to back it up and right now his actions say that you're making the right choice by leaving.

He was not being a husband to you. One thing I know and have lived through is that becoming a family does not help a cheater. I was cheated on while pregnant but did not know that. Fast forward to after having 3 kids. more years of his life, and he has a long term affair. Your H has a character defect. The hurt is deep and your heart is heavy but it could be worse in the future if he does not change. A couple of things I think you said are major red flags that you and I both have lived in common. He lied straight to your face. He didn't confess. He denied. This is very toxic.

I know you love him. I loved my H too. I still have love for him....but I love myself too. I am not telling you what to choose. It is your future and your own heart. I also struggle with guilt even though he is a serial cheater and addict. Why is a good question. I cannot fully answer that but know you are not alone.

He made these choices without you. He doesn't get to choose your reaction to his crimes. He knew what he was risking deep down and he took that risk. I also lost so much respect for my H and felt like I did not know all of who he was at all. His actions disgusted me. The bond was broken and he defiled the sacredness of it. I understand your feelings on this.

I didn't know he cheated for years.....I think your H really would not have told you but he also probably would have done it again. I am not surprised he doesn't want a D. WS are known for being notoriously selfish and often don't want consequences.

[This message edited by Jesusismyanchor at 11:27 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

I have a son your age.. I will tell you what I would tell him. RUN, don't walk... You deserve so much better. You are so young!

You deserve someone who would never hurt you. He's shown you who he is and you're right, he has no regard for your mental or emotional health. He had no regard for YOU..

Run!

how do I/any of you dealt with guilt associated with leaving a cheater?

I somewhat understand this, I felt (at first) that I was abandoning her. It didn't take long for me to realize that all I was doing was hanging on to a bad marriage and allowing myself to take more pain.

Do any of you regret leaving someone you love who betrayed you?

There were moments that I felt weak, that I was giving up on the relationship too easily, however when I looked at the actions of the WW, it became very clear that I did the right thing.

If you stayed and reconciled, was it worth it?

I tried this with my first wife, it took me a long time to realize I was the only one who was trying to reconcile, while she was continuing to be a cheater with several other APs that I did not find out about until later.

I am much older than you, have had 2 cheaters in my life, and can tell you that your life will be much better if you eject the cheater and move on to someone that has moral character.

I think the odds are sky high that this is the tip of the iceberg. He was on a dating site seeking out women.

^^^This^^^ My ex was on Ashley Madison and other social media sites. She too said it was the only affair, until...clearly...it wasn't.

At 27 with no kids, I would say RUN. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. You have nothing to feel guilty about. IMO any guilt you feel is the result of the potential manipulation that has been placed on you or that you've internalized for "your role in his cheating" (my words). You have no role or ownership in his cheating. For me, the anger overshadowed the guilt, but I get what you are saying. Infidelity has this way of causing the BS to ask themselves what we could have done differently. When you realize the answer to that is "NOTHING," any feeling of guilt washes away. This is all about the issues the cheater has.

Speaking for myself, I think some second guessing on leaving is normal. We all want to hold on to what we thought we had. But that was an illusion. As we wrestled through attempted R, the more pain my unremorseful spouse created, the more any regret was removed. I simply couldn't do it any more - and my minimum requirements were resoundingly not honored. I realized I was jeopardizing my self respect if I didn't cut the chord and seek divorce - after all - she sure wasn't respecting me or our marriage.

You're doing good. Focus on yourself as you are with IC and your schooling. If you have any thoughts of offering him the gift of attempting R, I would recommend requiring a polygraph. You can't rebuild on a faulty foundation. His reaction to that request alone could be telling, maybe he'd pass with flying colors - who knows. And there is a lot to learn about how to approach and interpret the reaction of the wayward spouse on the subject of a polygraph. But at least you'll know what you are dealing with as you decide how to move forward.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 10:40 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

We all want to hold on to what we thought we had. But that was an illusion.

Yes. I had a "happy marriage" and a "great husband" in my mind, but the reality was that I had a husband who was sleeping with prostitutes and on dating sites and Ashley Madison for longer than I will ever know. My perception of my life and the reality of my life didn't match at all. So there was nothing to save, really. There was nothing to hold onto aside from my own illusions. Even the happiest times were not real. Pinkivy, I know how that is. I read where you've listed the awesome things you've done together and I could create a list too. All that time I was doing them with someone who didn't respect me enough not to betray me. Someone with low moral character, no matter how differently he presented himself to me.