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I have more time and can answer your questions from my own perspective.

Not only that, but had I not found out on my own, how long would this affair have gone on?

Probably as long as either of them were interested in keeping it going, i.e., not moving onto another AP to fill the void and add "excitement."

He has already admitted he planned on never telling me.

This tells me he is either a serial cheater in the making, or he already is one. The fact that he never planned to tell you tells me he was going to do it again, as long as he could get away with it. That whole "getting it out of his system" crap is just that. Crap. He was just trying to placate you by saying that. He likely had no intention of stopping.

I know my husband is resentful because of "everything he did for me" and the fact that he's now willing to "do anything" to fix our relationship. But what about the the 6 months he was cheating? Why couldn't he do everything in his power then, instead of starting a whole new relationship?

There absolutely is a time for "too little, too late." If infidelity is a dealbreaker for you don't apologize for that fact. You are entitled to have your boundaries. He is also bound to respect them, even if he doesn't agree with them. That's when you decide if it is incompatible with marriage. His "resentment" speaks volumes. If he was truly remorseful, he would NOT be resentful and would, in fact, be willing to move heaven and earth to give you what you need to heal. He's resentful because you are unwilling to rugsweep. That is a huge indicator that he is not the least bit remorseful.

how do I/any of you dealt with guilt associated with leaving a cheater?

Try to look at it objectively. What would you advise a daughter, sister, best friend to do if they were in this situation? Give yourself your own advice and cut yourself some slack. List the pros and cons on a sheet of paper (be brutally honest) to help with your perspective.

The bottom line, if you don't look out for your best interests, no one else is going to do it for you. Find your self-worth and see if he is up to those standards. After looking at it objectively, you may realize he is simply someone that does not deserve you.

Do any of you regret leaving someone you love who betrayed you?

Nope. Not at all. Was it hard? Sure it was! We were together for almost three decades, and leaving meant starting over much later in life. I would still take that over the alternative (staying married to him) any day. Xhole does NOT deserve me and I put myself first for a change. No regrets.at.all!

Hang in there, Pink. This is difficult terrain to navigate, but keep posting and we'll help you get through it. There absolutely is light, life, and laughter on the other side, even if it does not seem possible to you right now.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:26 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

I’m sorry you have been put in this position by your WH. Shouldn’t he have gotten the sleeping around “out of his system” BEFORE he married you?

You are very concerned about finding someone else you trust enough to start a family with. I think you know, deep down, that you cannot trust THIS man to be the father of your children. Josiep is right: you are young, and will soon be in a good position to start over. I wish you the very best.

You're all right! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Do any of you regret leaving someone you love who betrayed you?

No regret at all.

It was actually the opposite.

Divorcing her was the wisest and healthiest decision for me and my kids.

Her infidelity, lies, deceptions, and betrayal was a marriage/relationship killer for me.

I wasn’t going to let my kids watch me forsake myself and my values in order to keep a facade of a marriage and family.

Doing so would have only taught them how to be doormats.

The guilt and shame rests all with the person I was formerly married to.

The gaslighting really did a number on me, along with the emotional and sexual neglect, and lack of affection and attention - this has all done a number on my self-esteem.

Not only that, but had I not found out on my own, how long would this affair have gone on? He has already admitted he planned on never telling me. He claims his plan was to get this "out of his system" and then break things off with AP. To me, this speaks volumes about his character. He hurt 2 women for seemingly no good reason.

I have a similar situation in terms of just my own limbo and ambivalence, but with a WW and a nearly 25-year marriage and kids. In my case, the AP knew my wife was married. He was married, too, so they both put families at risk for collapse and spouses at risk for hurt and disease.

Similarities are:

1. High degree of gaslighting

2. Never would have told me

3. Considered it meaningless sex and a fling she wanted.

4. Would have gone on for awhile if I hadn't confronted and closed in.

You put all of this very succinctly and precisely. I'm saving this description for myself. Helps to clarify some things in my head.

He destroyed the relationship.

He put you in a position where you had to figure out if it was possible or worth it to give him the gift of a chance of reconciliation. You were under no obligation to decide one way or the other.

His cheating destroyed the marriage, by breaking the most fundamental promise a person can make to another person.

That's on him, not you.

They had met on a dating site and had been seeing each other for months.

Someone else said this, but I will say it again. This was INTENTIONAL and CALCULATED on his part. You do not 'accidentally' sign up on a dating site when you are married. You do not 'accidentally' have a girlfriend from said dating site. And you in no way accidentally trip and fall into someone else's lady garden... cheaters are so goddamn dumb when they try to make that seem like some sort of quirk...

Not only that, but had I not found out on my own, how long would this affair have gone on? He has already admitted he planned on never telling me. He claims his plan was to get this "out of his system" and then break things off with AP. To me, this speaks volumes about his character. He hurt 2 women for seemingly no good reason.

You are exactly correct on the bolded part of that. The fact that he callously hurt both of you for nothing other than his own pathetic ego is very telling indeed.

My issue is that I'm so on the fence about working things out or going my own way. I was fully prepared up until 4 months ago to spend the rest of my life with this man and start a family. I'm having a hard time mourning that loss. I'm a very attractive woman and I know I'm a "catch," but what if I never meet someone else I can trust enough to start the family I dream of with? What if I never have a connection with anyone else like I had with my husband? I don't want to be alone forever and it's all so scary.

It is normal and totally fine for you to take time mourning the loss. It is a process for sure and it IS a huge loss - that feeling of suddenly having the path in front of you that was so clear all of a sudden is covered in fog. It's a total mind fuck. And I know others have said, but I will reiterate - you are 27 (that is so young!), you WILL find someone again and you won't be alone forever. I get wanting kids - booooy do I get that one (I am 38 now and spent the entirety of my child-bearing years with my xdouche who had issues in that department, so most likely I won't have kids now). You still have plenty of time for that!!

Worst of all is the guilt I feel about not currently being willing to reconcile or do marriage counseling. I'm in individual counseling and have told my husband to give me my space and that we are now only married on paper - the spiritual and emotional bond is now broken. I know my husband is resentful because of "everything he did for me" and the fact that he's now willing to "do anything" to fix our relationship. But what about the the 6 months he was cheating? Why couldn't he do everything in his power then, instead of starting a whole new relationship?

Guilt? NOOOOOO. You have absolutely NOT ONE DAMN THING to feel guilty about. And you are perfectly right not to do MC. I did way too early and it was really not good - in fact I think it caused irreparable damage (aside from the cheating). And sorry for my bluntness, but FUCK his "feeling resentful". Wowza - what an entitled douchehole! I am just completely gobsmacked by that one.

Sending you hugs! You seem like you have a pretty good handle on things though. Way better than where I was at 4 months out that's for darn sure!