SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is going to be a bit of a rant/pity party/journaling exercise. Bear with me, and thanks for reading...

Back story:

I've been divorced for 4.5 years. Had a serious 2 year relationship that ended (2017) when I got dumped for a new guy she met a week earlier. Dated a bit six months later and then took most of 2018 off from dating. Had a few dates (Nov -Feb) and then met someone I really liked right when I was about to hang it up again.

We really clicked - like talk for 4 hours and it felt like 30 minutes. Until...

the end of June when she abruptly broke it off. She said she was just too busy with school (working on Ed Phd), kids and work. Ok...

I dated a handful of people over the summer and fall, but no one really struck me. So, at Thanksgiving I decided to reach out to her. Very receptive, so I asked her if she wanted to go to a concert in town that I had an extra ticket to first week of Dec. She said Yes!

I didn't know what to expect, but it was like there wasn't 5 months of no seeing/talking. She basically would grab my arm/hand wherever we were walking. At the end of the night she ask what was next, and I told her that was up to her. A couple days later she asked if I wanted to come to her house for dinner in two weeks. I, of course, said yes.

Dinner, etc was great; no sign of not being interested in me. But after dinner, I asked her what we were doing - were we seeing each other again?

That's when it got weird. I got the - I'm really busy. I shouldn't have been dating when I first met you; I was about to get off OLD, but you were great - the best of the bunch I've met.

I said I understand about being busy, but there's a continuum between seeing each other every day and never seeing each other. She said she needed time to think about it. Fine, I said, no rush, think about it over the holidays. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure you.

I left that night (Fri before Christmas) thinking this was the end, but we texted over the weekend, and I texted her Christmas morning - she responded like everything was fine. Even liked a post I put on Facebook at noon on Christmas.

Then...

She ghosted me.

I texted her on Fri and didn't hear back. That's when I decided to see if she put pictures up on her FB page of her family...and that's when I found out she unfriended me.

Since I hadn't heard from her, I texted her Sat morning asking if she unfriended me. No answer. So, Sat night I just texted, "Ok, then. Message received."

WTF?

That makes zero sense.

I would wonder if she didn't have some serious hang ups about commitment or something. Look, I'm busy. But I make time for things that are important to me.

I decided long ago that life is too short to pursue people that don't want to be with me.

I am sorry this is happening.

Cat

So, here's the rant/pity party...

Who does that? Go from being super interested to ghosting? And why is this the second time I've got dropped out of the blue by the two people I really developed feelings for?

FML.

Clearly, my picker is jacked up...although I can weed out the crazies (bipolars, PDs), but not the ones that are just going to flake.

But at any rate, it's just got me feeling that this is it - this is what my life is going to be. Logically, I know that probably not the case, but it sure feels that way. It's also probably a part of my larger mid-life crisis.

Life is just not working out the way I thought it would 20 years ago. I was at the top of my profession (especially for someone in the early 20s), had a wife who loved me and a family. Lots of friends.

Today? My career is stalled and I work for a company I no longer believe in; I'm "stuck" here for another 2 years while my youngest finishes high school. Work that I used to love to do, I now dread.

My savings has been depleted from a NPD ex, the divorce, and the fact that I'm paying all the tuition for my kid's college educations - no help from the ex at all.

Friends? Really hard to make friends in a small town where you don't really know anyone, and those at work are either married or in their 20s.

And, finally, I'm just alone. I don't mind being divorced from my ex one bit, but I do miss having someone to come home to and love and be loved. (Yeah, my kids don't count).

Logically, I should be happy - I basically saved my two youngest kids, and all three are thriving and doing well. I've got a job that pays really well. I do have some friends and a bunch of volunteer work that keeps me very busy.

But emotionally, I just don't have the family and life I thought I would have at this point. The vast majority of my friends over the past 20 years (I've lived here 5) are thriving (well, I assume). I feel like I did everything right, but everything went wrong - all starting with my ex's infidelity (and mental illness).

And, I'm just tired of the emotional roller coaster that is dating.

I'm tired of putting on the happy face, actually finding someone I really like and then having them go POOF! Dating just sucks...

Well...thanks for reading and coming to my pity party.

I would wonder if she didn't have some serious hang ups about commitment or something. Look, I'm busy. But I make time for things that are important to me.

I decided long ago that life is too short to pursue people that don't want to be with me.

Yeah, my mind is saying the exact same thing:

If you really were interested, you find time (like I did). If she doesn't want to be with me, that's that.

And honestly, I'd been expecting that since I reached out on Thanksgiving. But to just ghost me?

Who does that?

There's a host of new dating buzzwords I was just reading about - ghosting, breadcrumbing, benching, and now curving. Boggles my mind, but really they are just new terms to describe what old folk like myself know as being a garden variety asshole. Why can't people just be adults, treat people with respect and, oh I don't know, actually have honest communication? But no. People engage in stupid juvenile games. I chalk it up to cowardice. Regardless, ain't no one got time for that nonsense!

I hear you, WD. No answers, but I hear you.

Who does that?

Cowards, that's who.

WornDown, what I found out dating at my age (and younger, from 35 or so on) is that most of the good ones are in long term relationships, or are snapped up fairly quickly.

Your first job dating is to figure out why they're single. Watch actions and words, because she's treating you like she's treated every other dating partner that she's had. Actions speak louder than words.

Also, if they break up with you once it just gets easier the second time around. Don't give 'em that second chance. You weren't keeping their interest the first time round, why try to again?

Also, ladies, the same applies to the men you date.

Of course this could be my cynicism showing...

Ugh.

This scares the crap out of me. My only relationship after divorce was with my first love from high school. We broke up two years ago and I’m just now ready to put my toe into OLD. I’m estimating February to unhide my profile.

I’m determined to be honest if I don’t feel a connection w someone. I don’t want to be a coward-which I also think perfectly sums up all the current “terms”.

It sounds to me that you have been respectful and open about expectations. Not pushy nor demanding. Her inability to offer honesty and respect in return says nothing about you and a lot about her.

First, there is no excuse for the oddball ghosting. Your date could have easily explained what was going on or what she decided to do.

It may be that you are finding women in the wrong places. If you are trying a dating app, research the apps in your area and try a different one. Some apps mean some things in parts of the country but don't mean the same things in other areas (i.e., a hookup-style dating app versus an app without the expectation).

The other thing to consider is that some women in your dating age might be busy caring for their kids or re-igniting their career if they are divorced from an Ex like yours.

Keep on trying to find someone new. It hurts right now and you are lonely right now, but don't give up on the process just yet. And next time a woman breaks up with you for a nonsensical reason, believe you are worth more than that.

LOL. I saw the title of your post and immediately thought, Yes. Same.

I've been ghosted similarly too, but I call it zombied because he came back to me a few times. The last two times I have ignored and I think he is finally dead for good. People who ghost are just not worth it. It shows no respect. If from the beginning they ask for space instead of just straight dropping you, or straight up say sorry this isn't going anywhere, at least there's a modicum of respect for your feelings as a human, rather than a disposable item.

Dating once out of college is no fun. I thought that when I was so grateful for being married while my friends were still dating, and I think that now, post divorce and having gone back into the fray. Humans, for the most part, are horrible. The only thing keeping my faith in humanity alive are my family, and the few stories I see now and again of true human kindness.

Well...thanks for reading and coming to my pity party.

Ooooh - I loves myself a good pity party. Here - I've brought the black crepe paper we can hang everywhere - and some really horrible whiny music to play in the background. I'll also bring some lemons to suck on so we are certain to have sour looks on our faces. We all need some of these as a reality check and the chance to say this life shit is really screwed up sometimes.

I have no words of wisdom on the dating thing since I've never tried it myself. The thought of it makes me twitchy, and I applaud everyone with that level of bravery. (But as for who does that kind of crap you're dealing with - immature cowards for sure).

I know you would really like to have a companion in your life - shit - it would even be nice to just have a lovely person to do things with who won't flake or act a fool. Completely get that.

And I know you took a break earlier this year from all of that...but here's just some food for thought. It sounds like your life is really small right now. And I don't mean it's insignificant - I mean - you live in a smaller town. You work at a job that's not fulfilling because you have to right now. I'm sure you maintain your house and pay your bills and connect with your kids. You know - you go around doing what needs to be done.

But I also remember on your break you were going to maybe try indulging yourself in some things that you just flat out enjoyed. Wasn't there a hobby you wanted to return to and had even purchased some of the tools/equipment, but hadn't jumped in yet? Sorry if I have that wrong, but it kind of feeds into what I'm hoping for you.

The vibe I get from you is that you're a fairly serious guy - responsible - maybe with a touch of the Puritanical ethic in you - you know the whole sloth/lazy/productive thing. Time to lean, time to clean? Always needing to do something productive with a very specific result.

I found myself in that rut for a long time when I was trying to launch my new beginnings. I literally had to give myself permission to indulge myself and my own interests. I allowed myself the time for that. I allowed myself the money for that. And I had to be brave and start being around groups of new people with similar interests. It opened up whole new worlds and I met lovely people I never would have.

Now, I'm not trying to say that if you suddenly start using a lathe in your garage that some wonderful woman is going to magically show up at your front door. But sometimes when we change our own internal patterns and allow ourselves to make our worlds bigger and do that self-nurturing thing, some cool things can happen.

Just food for thought for you. Do you ever really allow yourself to be frivolous?

(And please let me know if you're hosting another pity party - I love those damn things.)

Do you ever really allow yourself to be frivolous

?

For some reason this line really cracked me up. We should all have moments of frivolity! Last week I bought some Korean beauty products and tried them all on at once while watching a dark fantasy show on Netflix and eating chocolate star cookies from Trader Joe's. BEST THREE HOURS OF THE YEAR. NO JOKE.

I'm sure there's a dude's version of doing what I did (personally, I would think a dude who did that to unwind is also awesome). But I think Chili is right,we all get down, and dating is down right painful. Do something fun just for you and only you! Then go back out there and sit with girl after girl giving the same "interview" Q&A. Be careful though, the interviews start to blend together and you have to somehow remember what you've already said! LOL!

I hear ya, Worn. It's been three years for me since the separation (divorce final late 2018) and I haven't even dipped a toe in the dating scene. I'm terrified of the experience you just described. I can take incompatibility as the issue...just not the complete ghosting/lack of decency.

As far as the pity party, yeah...that too. I've spent most of 2019 partying it up - so to speak. It's been a really tough year.

The only advice I might offer you - something I'm personally struggling with.... I think there's a fine line between recognizing and feeling our feelings vs. writing out a story about them. Feeling the feelings will result in pain - which can be healing. But it's the story that we write about it that will turn the pain to suffering. I try to remind myself that - like so much I've already experienced in life - there's just no way for me to know what tomorrow brings. So while today I may feel that I will be alone for the rest of my life, that this is as good as it gets - I really cannot know what tomorrow will actually bring. Life is strange that way. Try to catch and stop yourself in the story writing.

While I am not dating (separated and deciding if D is next) I am mortified by your experience. And to be honest I am terrified of dating.

If this woman can’t treat you with respect, you should want nothing to do with her, it says a lot about her. And you deserve more. Such Immaturity is beyond me.

I wonder if she is in a relationship or married. It does seem odd behaviour.

Dup

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:50 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

Thanks all...I appreciate all the words of support.

Some replies:

It may be that you are finding women in the wrong places. If you are trying a dating app, research the apps in your area and try a different one. Some apps mean some things in parts of the country but don't mean the same things in other areas (i.e., a hookup-style dating app versus an app without the expectation).

I've been on Bumble, Tinder, Match and Facebook's. Here in central Appalachia, it's basically the same people. Trying to find someone who is educated, self-reliant, and half way decent looking? The pickings are slim.

At the local bars (the better ones), people are almost always there with groups of friends. I've not cracked the code of finding mid-40s/early-50s single women at those....

And I know you took a break earlier this year from all of that...but here's just some food for thought. It sounds like your life is really small right now. And I don't mean it's insignificant - I mean - you live in a smaller town. You work at a job that's not fulfilling because you have to right now. I'm sure you maintain your house and pay your bills and connect with your kids. You know - you go around doing what needs to be done.

But I also remember on your break you were going to maybe try indulging yourself in some things that you just flat out enjoyed. Wasn't there a hobby you wanted to return to and had even purchased some of the tools/equipment, but hadn't jumped in yet? Sorry if I have that wrong, but it kind of feeds into what I'm hoping for you.

The vibe I get from you is that you're a fairly serious guy - responsible - maybe with a touch of the Puritanical ethic in you - you know the whole sloth/lazy/productive thing. Time to lean, time to clean? Always needing to do something productive with a very specific result.

You know me well.

Yes, I did find a new "hobby." I'm a volunteer paramedic. Spent a year and a half getting trained and certified.

Like I said - you know me well.

And, yes, I've met a whole new group of people that I like a lot. Haven't really met anyone I'd want to date though (at least yet).

Yikes, it's stories like this that keep me off of the apps and glad to have done the monk thing since the divorce. This only adds fuel to my general "don't get attached no matter how cool she seems" feelings. I'm content to flirt with the handful of women I know and leave it there...for now.

WornDown

I've had similar experiences, so for now, I'm off OLD.

Instead, I go out and do things I like: 3D archery, cooking classes, painting classes, and all the free museum passes I can get my hands on from local library. I've met some new people with similar interests and made some new friends.

You say you're in central Appalachia. If you're moving on in two years when your youngest is out of high school, start looking now where you want to be. My former spouse was under same roof for a year before divorce final, but she was gone every weekend 400 miles away hooking up with potentials once she made decision to leave - I think she could have been more discrete for the children's benefit, but she did create her new life and is 400 miles away from all she left behind.

Look at what you do have control over and act on it.

Best

Ghosting is the worse.

I suspect she did it because she really has no answers. Meaning she gave you the same line (too busy, etc) both times yet excepting an offer to go to the concert THEN asked you over. Then she got all weird again.

Factor in that some of us get more emotional over the holidays. She could have been feeling down about not being able to be in a relationship, etc then boom....you reappear and it was easy to do.

Whatever the reason, her lasted stunt of ghosting/unfriending tells you a lot about her character.

Be prepared, she will come sniffing around someday. Fishing the waters. Make sure you do not respond to her when that happens.

She doesn't deserve you.

As for your title....yes, dating stinks. It is full of highs and lows that suck us in. I had enabled and disabled my profile many times over my dating years when I needed a break. No harm in that.

Good luck my friend!