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Husband had a daughter from an affair

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fournlau posted 11/25/2020 19:21 PM

This is also my situation. You are not alone!

WH and I have 5 children ranging from 29 to 15. At first we did not tell them, but having to pretend everything was fine because the kids didn't know ate me up inside until I had my very first anxiety attack, while driving no less. He decided to tell the kids so I could have their support and I wouldn't have to keep his secret for him.

So my kids know they (may have, there has been no paternity test done) a half sibling. None wanted anything to do with it.

I too told my WH that I would not stand in his way of having a relationship with the OC but that I would not be able to stand with him if he did. I suppose that is an ultimatum, it's either me or the OC. But like others have said, the child is not the only innocent here. And I refuse to sacrifice my children, or myself on the alter of "doing what's right". Who says it's right? How "right" would it be to have a child in your home that you didn't care for? That you didn't want there. I would never say hate, because I could never hate the child, it is not their fault they were born out of an A. It's also not mine, or my children's.

I have had that same pressure to think of the child ahead of my own well being. There is nothing wrong with knowing you would NOT be OK with OC in your life. You have to consider what is best for you and your child, nobody else is living your life.

If it helps to think of it this way, whatever choice you make, whatever choice your WH makes, it won't matter, because every choice is a bad one in this situation! You only do the best you can.

Again, you are not alone, we hear you.

cookiezandcream posted 11/25/2020 20:59 PM

Exactly. That's exactly it.

I've had people in other infidelity forums tell me I need to push my husband to have a relationship with the other child, that I need to encourage my children having a relationship with their half sibling, that I need to accept them as my step child, etc.

I just want these people to think about how they'd feel if this happened to them. It means the affair can never be gotten over and left in the past. The child is always going to be there, always presenting the possibility of trauma popping up in on you again.

If they come into your life, give up any ideas of the affair being secret anymore. My family will find out I stayed with a cheating husband and sat on this pain and disrespect for years, even decades.

I just wish the people who say these things would consider this only didn't happen to them because they got lucky. Pregnancy can happen even if you're using protection. This could have been you and it's only luck that it isn't.

We all know the pain an affair brings, but we don't all know the extra trauma of an affair child. Be grateful you'll never have people telling you that you need to learn to love and accept your husband's mistake.

The1stWife posted 11/26/2020 05:51 AM

I don’t believe the wife has to have a relationship with the OC. Nor does the family have to accept the OC into their family.

But I’m on the fence if the original family should know. And how much they should know. Secrets have a way of coming to light and imagine how you would feel if you knew your parents kept a secret or the truth from you.

I know a friend who found out as an adult her “parents” were not her biological parents but her biological aunt and uncle. Huge problems. It that was back in the day when you didn’t tell children they were adopted or things like that.

When the adult or young adult child finds out their parents kept a secret from their childhood it can have negative consequences.

My dad grew up wondering if his brother is a half brother (as Told by his parents) or his full brother - what the family believes. It is crazy that this lack of transparency / truth continued throughout their lives.

Maybe a professional counselor is worth speaking to about this matter. Because the ones most negatively affected are the children.

WhatsRight posted 11/26/2020 08:54 AM

Hi CandC...

I am not in your situation. My H was with a prostitute. No matter how infidelity happens, it is a life changer.

But I cannot imagine what you are going through with this.

I have total respect for you getting a handle on the alcoholism - that can only make things harder.

I hope you can find the support you need in “I Can Relate”.

For the record, I have 3 adopted sons. At least2 of them are the result of affairs. One has found his biological family and has very limited connection with them. He other has made no efforts at all. And he knows exactly how to get in touch with her.

I say this just to reiterate what others have said about the OC sometimes makes no effort to get in touch.

I hope you can find some peace. ❤️

Salty16 posted 11/26/2020 09:40 AM

Does anyone know if a mod been contacted to reopen the OC thread?

Bigger posted 11/26/2020 14:56 PM

The thread is not locked. Just posted on it.

Carissima posted 11/27/2020 10:21 AM

I don't think any BS should be required to have anything to do with an OC unless it is their choice to do so.
I don't believe the same for the WS. I would put then into the same category as any parent who walks away from their own child and in general, that's someone I wouldn't want to know or have anything to do with.
There are many ways to arrange contact between parent and child without personally seeing the AP.

josiep posted 12/7/2020 11:21 AM

I'm really sorry there are people making you feel guilty; it's not their place and perhaps you should avoid those forums or at the very least, learn to tune out advice that goes against your beliefs and morals. Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they can't begin to understand.

But I would encourage you not to stress over it today; you can deal with that if and when it happens (you said you'd break if the OC had contact with your children someday down the road). You know the old saying about 95% of the stuff we worry about never happening and 3% happening but being OK and on and on. Besides, you're a rock star - you've managed to get through all of this and so I think it's OK to trust yourself that you'll get through anything else that comes your way. And of course, life can work in mysterious ways and we're much better off getting through today's issues and hoping we're smart enough to figure out how to handle tomorrow's issues when and if they present themselves.

Peace to you. You'll be fine.

Phoenix1 posted 12/8/2020 00:29 AM

Xhole created at least two OCs with two different OW. Those are the ones I know of. There could easily be others.

Don't feel guilty for feeling what you feel. Those are your feelings and you have the right to feel however you feel.

I could not ever have the OCs in my life, but since we divorced it is somewhat of a moot point.

Why do I say "somewhat?" Because my youngest DD (24) had said a few years ago that she wanted to one day meet her half-siblings. She is in no rush. One OC is one month younger than her and the other is now around 8. My DD said she plans to do DNA testing to see if they one day also do it and they connect. I think it is more curiosity than anything. My older DD has no interest.

But here's the thing. Just as my feelings about the OCs are mine, my DD's feelings about it are hers, and just as valid. I cannot control her or her feelings and, as an adult, whether she does meet them one day or not is also out of my control. I support her no matter what she ultimately decides.

The hardest part, but one of the most important, is to let go of things you cannot control. We cannot control others or the future. If you don't let it go, it will consume you. It's not easy to let go of the outcome, but it is important you do. Focus on your recovery and your child.

I also encourage you to look in the ICR forum for support.

Hang in there and know you are not alone in your feelings.

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