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Healing after confessing

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6

oldtruck posted 10/29/2020 19:52 PM

and the OM was no friend to your BH. the humiliation and emasculation at the hands of your OM dished out to your
BH.

Acting outwardly nice to your BH pretending to be his friend
while inwardly the OM smirking while recalling to himself
the sex he was having this BH's wife.

be prepared for the anger phase. many BH's go through this
phase 6 months from D day. the anger usually lasts for 6
months.

the amount of time a BH askes questions can vary. they usually
stop asking when the know all they want to know or they stop
because they know they cannot handle knowing more. Also
they stop because they feel they are no getting the full truth.

remember recovery is a 2 to 5 year job. there is no rushing,
no short cuts.

what have you done to repair the trust?

do you let BH know where you are at all time?
provide access and passwords to phone and PC and
social media accounts?

it is good that you told BH he can talk, ask you about the PA
whenever he wants.

confessing now does not undo the sex you had with the OM,
and it left your BH with 10 years and 2 children that he
cannot undo.

most BH will accept recovery, taking the bullet for their kids
so their family remains intact. so they forgive but they do
not forget.

a recovery requirement for you to do is to confess this PA to
the OMW. this BW deserves and needs the truth as much as
your BH. She deserves your apology as much as your BH
does.

src9043 posted 10/29/2020 20:01 PM

Babette2008: I didn't get to find out how I would have felt 30 years after the discovery of my ex-wife's affair. Though we lasted another six years after her first affair, R was never successfully completed. I felt miserable during the years that followed. The divorce was an act of liberation. You seem to have a remorseful husband. My ex-spouse was anything but that. I am sure there are people out there who have successfully completed R and are decades past the infidelity. Their stories must be somewhere on these forums. It might provide you some insight into what to expect. Good luck to you and your spouse in healing.

secondtime posted 10/29/2020 22:13 PM

This is truthfully the only lie that Iíve kept from my H. There is nothing else that Iíve ever withhheld from him throughout our marriage.

This isn't *just* a lie.

You purposely misled your now husband about who you were/are and what you are capable of.

You did not allow your husband to make an informed decision about who he was going to marry. That's not a lie, that's playing god with someone else's life. And that's something you don't have a right to.

My husband did the same thing. He lied by omission. Stood up in front of God and me and recited vows that he knew he couldn't adhere to.

My husband didn't give me a choice to decide for myself if I wanted to marry him.

That is actually one thing that I can't forgive my husband for. He absolutely had no right to do that to me.

And, actually, my Catholic faith agrees with me. It's freaking hard to get an annulment, but I can if I want/need to, because of my husband's behviors.

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 07:44 AM

Hellfire,

To answer your question, I cheated because I liked the attention that I was given being on his ďgood sideĒ. I have always had low self esteem. Very much someone who struggles with saying ď noĒ . ESPECIALLY at 19 years old. He was my boss. He was funny and cool and all of his employees wanted to be his pal and get his approval and friendship. It was an issue within myself. NEVER an issue of looking for something I was lacking in my relationship with my boyfriend at the time. ExAP pursued me.

Old truck, I most certainly have been taking any steps I need to regain trust. H has access to my social media account throughout the day. Gets on that and my messenger frequently. I have told him to please take my phone and go through it whenever he feels like he needs to. He has gone through my search history a couple of times. ExAP is blocked on any social media account.

Iím not trying to sound ignorant but I really donít feel like my H is struggling with trusting me to do this again. I think that me openly confessing to him and him seeing how remorseful I am helps him believe that he can trust me to an extent. I am willing to set any kind of boundary that H needs to set for me, though.

Second time, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I wasnít trying to make that sound like it was ďjustĒ a lie. I know the extent of this terrible mess Iíve created. I was simply responding to a question that one of the above members asked me about whether or not Iíve lied in other areas in the past 10 years.

longsadstory1952 posted 10/30/2020 08:42 AM

There are threads from betrayeds all over the board that are similar to your situation. You would do well to read them for a taste of what is ahead. Most of the marriages lasted.

But there was a lot of agony.

My story is a lot like your husbands. We are still together. But it is still there.

If you are really looking for ideas, I can give them to you. But a lot will depend on better info.

HellFire posted 10/30/2020 08:47 AM

At 4 months out, you truly have no idea of the extent of the damage done. Neither does he.

It sounds like he is still in shock.

What work have you been doing on yourself, to become a safe partner?

Sharing passwords is a start. What else?

Again, has
anyone told his wife?? That poor woman deserves to know the truth. If your husband won't do it, you need to contact her and tell her the entire truth.

It would help if you told the entire story to all of us. The more we know, the more specific the advice can be.

I do give you credit for sticking with this thread. You are hearing some harsh truths. It will help you when your husband reaches his anger stage,if you already have an idea as to what to expect.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:50 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

hikingout posted 10/30/2020 09:14 AM

I do give you credit for sticking with this thread. You are hearing some harsh truths. It will help you when your husband reaches his anger stage,if you already have an idea as to what to expect.

Me too.

You know, I am not excusing what you did, yes, you were an adult. What you did was wrong. I don't hear you saying it wasn't.

I read this differently than others, and that is you made some bad decisions when you were really young (I have a daughter who just turned 20, she is a great person but not fully developed yet) It sounds like you have matured and are having a reckoning with yourself over keeping this a secret. I am not trying to give you an award for this, but I definitely think it shows that you have worked on your character by wanting to confess and become more authentic, and for your husband to know his truth.

On the other hand, I will say, I confessed on my own too. While that carries a little water, I do think you are overestimating how much it does. Trust is broken, there is no way around that, and it's one of the hardest things to repair.

So, the only thing I will say is stay on this track. You are trying to take accountability for your choices. You just need to be prepared this road is a difficult one.

Are you in IC? Some reading suggestions would include: How to help your spouse heal from your affair. Rising strong is also a really good follow up that will maybe start to help you understand yourself and some of the lack of authenticity you have had and why.

This is going to get weird because typically when an affair is revealed closer to the time it happened that means that some of the work a WS does is more apparent and that can be crucial in rebuilding trust. 13 years later you may have shored up some of the typical things that would have been more of an uphill climb back then. But, it also means your husband may have a harder time accounting for that work.

But for him, it's as is it happened yesterday. His reaction really isn't going to be less than any other BS.

I agree with Hellfire, neither of you can see how much damage this is yet. But, we all arrive here in that same boat. Keep posting, some of these harsher things you have to respond to here will only help you prepare better of what's to come. It helped me a lot in understanding what I needed to apologize for, some of the thoughts my husband would never have been able to articulate through some pretty confusing times.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:31 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

hikingout posted 10/30/2020 09:37 AM

survus: "Generally men don't exhibit the hurt they feel they just burn inside their heads in a private hell without windows."
This is the closest thing I have read that describes how all of it has wrecked me. But "closest" still only gives the reader a glimpse.

I could not agree with this more.

My husband was not able to show his anger towards me because I think a lot of men (especially those with southern roots) have so much conditioning on how they should treat women. They are protective and tend to sacrifice their own mental health for hers and it's an unsustainable house of cards.

The most given advice I have offered here to the BH's is "tell her". If you read, they will come on and let out all this stuff rolling around in their head, and their wife has no clue whatsoever. I don't think they are intentionally trying to be duplicitous, but they seem to tend to quietly watch and notice, rather than request and express. Potent combo.

Even knowing all of that, and pushing my husband to talk, bringing up the affair, etc. I found myself in false R. I have noticed many of the men who divorced here did so under a 4-6 year delay. They tried by themselves to get over it and it just never happened.

I am not trying to scare you, but there is a lot of truth in this one sentence that you need to be aware of.

It's a bad sign if he doesn't go talk to someone and not a soul knows. This is what we did and it was a huge mistake. The divorce rate for infidelity is higher when the woman cheats than the man. I am sure there are other factors that go into that statistic, but for sure these men are letting you know of one in particular that is common.

ETA: I missed the part about TT, why confess and do that? This negates the trust you would have gained through a straight confession. If you are holding anything else, don't.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:45 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

DIFM posted 10/30/2020 09:39 AM

BS here. I think your confessing is a positive. The TT is a bit contradictory to the notion of confessing in order to do the right thing. Each TT was the opposite of confessing. So, these concepts and notions are probably worthwhile your own thinking.

I think you are on the best path you can be, given the circumstance. I agree with others that suggest this is a longer term process. I believe your BH's outward seeming to be in some kind of positive balance, is likely limited in duration. Almost every BH eventually gets to anger and WTF happened to my world, thoughts and feelings.

Stay the course. Do what he needs. Be honest with your answers. Dig deeper than you think you have been. I reference back to your internalizing it as "a lie". It was a collection of ongoing manipulations, also knows as lies. Prepare for a long ride, despite what is seems at the moment.

You seem sincere in your remorse, empathy, and willing contrition. Stay that course. Never, ever show a defensive posture or conditional response. Support him, even if the him you have not seen before, shows up.

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 11:37 AM

Hereís my story:

When I was 19, my H and I both worked at the same company under ExAP. ExAPs wife worked there until she had a baby which put her being a SAHM. The four of us began doing things here and there together. We hung out for a couple of months and then my H got another job. This put only ExAP and myself working at the company now. I began babysitting for ExAP and his wife. ExAP kissed me at their apartment one night when his wife was in the shower. I was 19 years old and absolutely in total confusion. It truly was Something I never saw coming. I didnít know how to process it. He continued being flirty at work and then a couple weeks (maybe??) later he made moves on me one day after coming home from somewhere (I had been babysitting for him. Canít remember where his W was but she wasnít home). We had sex. I wish I would have stopped it at that point.

We had sex twice more after that over the course of a few months (once at work and once on a work-related delivery). Then my H came back to the company and continued working there for about a year and a half. We didnít have sex during this time. I had stopped babysitting for them and we werenít hanging out with he and his wife anymore like we were before. While my H was there I never went on any work-related deliveries with him. There were also times during that year and a half that he went to night shift and I wasnít working with him or seeing him at all.

Fast forward to mid/end of 2009. My H found a new job and ExAP started working the same shift as me. It started again. We had sex during work hours. At this point H and I were engaged already (engagement happened during the time frame that he was working with me at the company and nothing was happening with ExAP). He went back to night shift for a bit so it stopped and we had our wedding. Then it happened once more after H and I were married.

Told ExAP it couldnít happen anymore. Totally sick over myself at what I had done. I soon stopped working there.

For what its worth (and I know thatís not much), I truly have only ever wanted to be with my H. This was purely physical and thatís it. My ExAP would hint about us having sex and I would turn him down a lot. I just tried to brush him off but he would pout like a baby when he wouldnít get his way and give me the cold shoulder.

Looking back now I feel SO STUPID. WHY did I care so much what he thought of me or how he treated me?! I risked so much. And now everything is a mess.

[This message edited by Aching44giveness at 11:46 AM, October 30th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 10/30/2020 11:47 AM

You have a lot of digging to do.

I just tried to brush him off but he would pout like a baby when he wouldnít get his way and give me the cold shoulder.

Looking back now I feel SO STUPID. WHY did I care so much what he thought of me or how he treated me?! I risked so much.


You cared about what he thought of you. You cared about how he treated you. You cared that he gave you the cold shoulder.

This was a physical affair,as well as an emotional affair. You may not have loved him, but you clearly cared about him.

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 12:22 PM

Also, I just wanted to add that I donít want it to seem like Iím trying to say that it hasnít been hard since Dday. My H has been angry. The first month or so he was very much in shock and not really expressing much anger at that point but in the last 3 or so months it has been showing itself. I feel like itís a constant roller coaster and Iím not sure what each day will hold when I wake up in the mornings..

fooled13years posted 10/30/2020 12:23 PM

Aching44giveness

I guess I donít know what kind of specific answer to give as far as what Iím willing to do to save our marriage

Are you willing to do all the work, be transparent with all your devices, place all your privacy on the alter of healing, hold him when he needs it, be his verbal punching bag when he needs to vent, answer every one of his questions honestly and a thousand times if that is what he needs, tell everyone you both know what you have done, tell the wife of the former affair partner and let your BH go if this is a deal breaker for him?
I have suggested counseling several times

So have you gone to counseling for yourself?

You state why you think you did what you did but it seems to me that the reasons you list are rather cookie cutter reasons.

The last 4 months have been a roller coaster (as expected)

How is it that you expected the rollercoaster of emotions and actions?

Have you cheated on him previously?

he has stopped asking many questions the last month or so. Is it normal to stop asking much about the A?

It is possible that your BH is attempting to try to stuff all the negative feelings down inside himself.

If this is what he is doing then when it gets to be too much for him to control the eruption of these negative emotions may be too much for either of you to handle.

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 12:30 PM

Fooled13years,

I am absolutely willing to do any of those that my BH asks of me. Nobody else knows about this and he said he wants to keep it that way because itís embarrassing. He doesnít want to confront ExAPs wife since it was so long ago and they have children.

I havenít started IC but am planning on looking into counselors to go ahead and begin.

I have absolutely NEVER cheated on him before or after this incident. I just meant that I understand that thatís how itís supposed to be from what Iíve read from others.

Yes, Iím afraid of him stuffing his emotions. As soon as his ďHarboring HopeĒ course finishes, I will be suggesting IC for him as well..

[This message edited by Aching44giveness at 12:32 PM, October 30th (Friday)]

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 12:38 PM

Hellfire,

I see what you mean. I guess I never viewed it that way before.

But I also wanted acceptance. I wanted to be with that ďinĒ crowd he was always with. I wanted to feel important at work. Before the A started, I felt invisible at work.

survrus posted 10/30/2020 12:38 PM

Aching,

Were you or your H each others first sexual partner?

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 12:43 PM

Survrus,

I had been with one other before my H. But I was H first and only. 😔

So now Iíve been with 2 besides him and heís only been with me.

He has brought that up too. I know thatís extremely hard for him..

fooled13years posted 10/30/2020 13:31 PM

Aching44giveness

I am absolutely willing to do any of those that my BH asks of me

You know what he says he doesn't want to do
Nobody else knows about this and he said he wants to keep it that way because itís embarrassing. He doesnít want to confront ExAPs wife since it was so long ago and they have children

But have you done anything without your BH asking you to?

You state that your BH is going through Harboring Hope but you don't tell us that you, other than reading and posting here, have read/are reading anything or have done/are doing anything to help him.

You stated that your affair started 13 years ago, ended 10 years ago and that you confessed 4+ months ago and then state

I havenít started IC but am planning on looking into counselors to go ahead and begin

If you truly are Aching44giveness why haven't you sought out counseling prior to today?

Do you think you deserve for your BH to forgive you?

Nobody else knows about this and he said he wants to keep it that way because itís embarrassing

Would some one else knowing be embarrassing to you or to your BH?

I would recommend that you read what both cantbeme123 and flawed have posted.

flawed had an affair while engaged to cantbeme123 and confessed after they had been married 8 years.

Reading what cantbeme123 posted may help you understand what your BH might be feeling now and the phases he might go through in the near and not so distance future.

Reading what flawed posted might give you some ideas on what to do proactively to possibly help your BH start his healing process.

Aching44giveness posted 10/30/2020 13:50 PM

All great questions.

I should have already started IC. I admit Iíve been dragging my feet on that. I donít really know why.

Iíve just begun a book on setting boundaries. I feel like it will be a good read for me.

I would like to look their stories up but canít figure out how to do it. Is there a place where I can type their names in a search bar?

JungAdmirer posted 10/30/2020 13:57 PM

I think a good measure of the recovery is based on what your BH internalized about your character and how deeply bonded he was to you. In my case, I chose my WW for marriage believing she was a person of high honor and integrity. 20 years later, I found my perception was a mirage after her 1 year PA. Some of that is on me ... I was not able to discern her true character, but it was always there, even if hidden under the covers. Character is revealed by stress, not created by it.

You deliberately hid the truth from your BH. He invested in you and the children you share, never given any choice in making one of the most important decisions in his life. Now 10 years later, you serve him a sandwich he will get to enjoy every single day. I honestly don't know what to say. To live means to perceive different and often conflicting aspects of reality, and in this case to experience an insurmountable anguish in search of lost time.

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