SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think that disconnect between actual personal capability and one’s own perception of such capability is the hallmark of a WS. We believe ourselves capable of certain superhuman feats, and the interference of reality is an unpleasant fact of recovery.

Actually the hallmark of a cheater is that they cheated.

There's already too much generalizations, labelling and grand announcements going on when it comes to dealing with "WS" and "BS" in convesations here. Please don't.

To Aching44giveness. I hope you both find your way - either to each other or separately - and heal. This website can be good, I suggest reading more than interacting until you have a specific point on the path that you want to have challenged and refined. In general, real-life IC and your own work will be far more beneficial to you and your partner.

T/J

There's already too much generalizations, labelling and grand announcements going on when it comes to dealing with "WS" and "BS" in convesations here. Please don't.

While I get your fears/concerns regarding generalizing and categorizing, I don’t think there’s a way to avoid it, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. The very act of coming to a place where we’re trying to find greater understanding by finding similar experience practically mandates categorization.

Actually the hallmark of a cheater is that they cheated.

I don’t refute something this overt but if that’s all we have in common then I don’t see there’s much utility in shared experience. We’re working through common concerns and the underlying mechanisms may align more than we realize if it goes ignored. Think of an epidemiology parallel: If all that’s common with infected patients is that they’re infected, we never find the underlying mechanism of contagion.

Fine to disagree with my statement but this

Please don't.

from my perspective is better directed towards hostile behavior.

[This message edited by JBWD at 10:16 PM, November 7th (Saturday)]

I don’t think there’s a way to avoid it,

Of course there is. Don't do it. Own your statements, your pain and your happiness. Let others decide what fits them from your experience.

The very act of coming to a place where we’re trying to find greater understanding by finding similar experience practically mandates categorization.

I understand that. But the dichotomy of WS and BS on this website is wrong when it comes to the generalizations.

If all that’s common with infected patients is that they’re infected, we never find the underlying mechanism of contagion.

Which is exactly my point. WS/BS are equivalent to "infected". They are far too broad a term to be useful. Again. There is some value in some generalizations. Like this: there are many victims of abuse that become abusers, many victims of abuse are perpetrators of abuse. For example, every time I read here "the mind of a WS" I lol irl. I see the same patterns of abuse with many of the betrayed spouses that I see in cheaters.

I'm not sure what you took from my "Please don't" request. I meant, please don't generalize.

I try very hard, with every post I make, to own my statements and my experience. It would do people good to remember that this website, the "advice" given here is neither professional nor personal. It can be good advice. And I think on some of the technical aspects it's good. But (and I've noticed it with my first few posts) I think it becomes too easy to project personal pain unto others.