A4forgivness
4 months is nothing. Your BH may still be in shock.
You have reasons to hopeful. Find them, count them every day, talk to your husband. Chase him some if he is ready.
You have some things to your advantage.
1. your new walk with Christ
2. you confess
3. you have this forum for help, it has its issues, but you can cut years off of the really bad part healing by using this place, if any thing just read. Your BH also.
4. you are not a bad person, just not a perfect person.
I am a BH and WW TT and lied for years. Now every thing that was/is good or bad in our marriage has a filter to hold against it. It is not fair, not to my wife and damn sure not to me. She was caught years ago, and felt for almost 20 year that not telling all the details was 'protecting' me and our marriage. No matter, that leaves a marriage built on lies. She fought admitting every detail until everything melted down. That lie lived and grew between us for years, wish I had those years back. I am sure A44orgivness you understand this. I think, I hope you do.
I am going to give you somethings that I wished my wife would have done years ago. This my BH POV.
1. GET counselling now. IC and MC and beg your husband to get IC and go with you to MC. Don't get someone that has the skill set of 'how does that make you feel?' get a counsellor that will 'get in your business' so to speak.
2. Speaking to Creditability I believe and he did it well, Thumos said:
Write out a detailed timeline
Take a polygraph to validate the timeline
DNA for the kids
Offer a postnup
STD testing
Confess to Other Mans wife
To put my view on his work:
Timeline, have the counselor help, but do it immediately and give to your husband. It better not change later. Answer any and all questions, sexual, why's, why not now's, lying, who else knew. After talking to a good counsellor hold nothing back. It will only come up later, bigger and uglier.
Poly, after counselling offer one. It gives you creditability.
DNA, if your children were born in this timeframe, yes. If not only if your husband wants them. (infidelity is so much fun, ain't it?)
STD, yep, you played, you pay. whatever embarrassment you feel is nothing compared to what others are experiencing. it is your health, your husbands, the other BS.
Postnup, creditability. your husband may or may not want this or poly or the DNA
3. Do all the research you can on triggers, mental movies, (EMDR helped me) empathy, compassion, etc. for him now, and you also. You did one stupid thing, it will hurt forever somewhat, but you can make a good life, and a good marriage.
4. You will most likely be asked the same questions over and over. Answer them, over and over. He will get mad. So?? It will get better. If he is still at home, he is fighting his demons, and they are there. You can do this. DO NOT BE DEFENSIVE.
5. This was exposed now for a reason. Your marriage will always have this scar. BUT, you can heal it faster if YOU work at it. It is hard. But I venture that is will not be as hard as the lie you have been living with.
6. Be careful of who, if anyone at church you confide in. Some of the most hurtful and plain ass stupid counselling we received came from a minister, and lay people love to love you with the love of the LORD as the gossip their buttocks off.
One other thing. You and your husband are planning on keeping another lie it appears from your postings. It will haunt you one day.
The other betrayed spouse. She needs to be aware of what happened. YOU should tell her and then your husband should tell her. Then shut that door. Creditability for you, closure for both of you, doing the right thing it not always the easiest. Let no part of this lie exist. Erase it all, then when the questions come, your husband will know the truth, ugly as it is. You will not have to keep anything from him. Yes, the truth can set you free.
Work hard at this. If your husband wanted to hurt, embarrass, humiliate you I would wager he would be gone. He is not, that is good.