WS Attempted Suicide
I moved out and filed for divorce last last August and we've been living separately since that time. I asked for a 50/50 split and I've tried to be more than fair in the process. I mean I've sincerely bent over backwards to accommodate her demands, but my WW has fought the process tooth and nail and has stalled and drug her feet on every single decision. She's caused us to spend thousands more on lawyer fees, valuations, appraisals, and estimates on items even when I agree to her valuation adjustments, just for the sake of extending the process in any way possible. She's keeping the house, she gets the dogs, she demanded an item that had some sentimental value to me and I let her have it. I felt the divorce was more than fair in her favor. I really don't know how I could have been more accommodating during this process, the truth is I'm just ready to be out of this mess. I see clearly that R never was for me. Not bashing R at all, I just know without a doubt it simply would never work for me.
The pandemic has caused a backlog on family court cases in my county. We've pretty much gone the divorce settlement and were waiting for a court date to go before the judge. We finally got a court date last week and the timing of that news coincided with the timing of when she started her affair years ago. We should be divorced the last week of October. Which, coincidentally is when she ended the affair.
April 2nd she had drunk 2-3 bottles of wine (at least) and took a bunch of ambien mixed with some zoloft in the wee hours of the morning. Our youngest daughter found her and called an ambulance. No note, but she did send an incoherent, gibberish text to the youngest daughter. She was in the hospital and under psychiatric observation for 4 days last week. The thing is I don't really know what my role should be in this situation. I've been there for our kids, I've even helped with coordinating her return from the hospital. I took a couple of vacation days last week and cleaned up the mess, did her laundry, cleared out all of the booze, bought groceries, mowed the lawn, cared for the dogs and watered plants while she was in the hospital. I just can't be the one that she leans on in the aftermath of this. I don't feel it's my place anymore. I feel like I'm getting sucked back into her shitshow.
I also seem to be catching the blame for her actions too. It's a bizarre situation, we're all but divorced and I'm still expected to do husband stuff. I do feel guilty about this situation, I never thought she would try to take her own life. Not in a million years. And it's true, I have tried to go no contact as much as humanly possible since we separated. I needed to detach from her and the situation as much as possible for my own mental health. I think that's just part of the divorce process. Now, I've fielded a bunch of texts and calls from mutual friends\family and most people seem to assume I'm calling off the divorce, or at least delaying it until she's "better". The truth is I don't know if her suicide attempt will impact the divorce process or not. I have a call into my lawyer and should hear back later today or tomorrow.
I suppose I would like some opinions on the best way to proceed. Am I a complete asshole for continuing the divorce process? If so, how long should I delay it? I feel like this shit is never going to end. Has anyone else experienced something like this?
43 comments posted: Tuesday, April 12th, 2022
Contacting AP to Apologize
Is it always a bad idea?
It was a 5 year EA/PA. Yes years. The last 5-6mo were long distance. She ended it with an ultimatum that I leave my wife, which I did not do, and things did not end well between us. AP was single and I lied to her about being married for the first 4-5 months. AP initially told me to fuck off when she found out I was married, but I lied about getting a divorce and somehow convinced her to still see me. AP was divorced, her H had an EA/PA with her best friend and divorced her while she dealt with a breast cancer diagnosis. She went through a lumpectomy, chemo, radiation, etc., all while going through the divorce process. AP had no kids and lost her fertility as a result of the cancer treatment. Her exH and exBF quickly married and had a kid. She met me 2 years later and I was the first person she dated post divorce. We spent an insane amount of time together.
So I now feel like complete shit about the way I treated her. I cringe and want to crawl into a hole whenever I think about it. I feel like scum. I wasted years of her life. I was a fucking emotional wreck and I had no business being in any relationship. AP wasn't a bad person, she was just with a bad person - me.
I do not want to get back together with her. She lives in another state. I am almost divorced and I've recently figured some of my shit out and the last thing I need is a relationship. I feel like I need to make amends with her but I have no desire to hurt her more.
What's the right thing to do here? Let it be or offer an apology?
9 comments posted: Friday, February 18th, 2022
How to Handle Opposite Sex Coworker Interactions
So this is the first post I've started here at SI. I should say, I am a MH. I was a BH before I became a WH. My wife had an A with a coworker. I hope this post is okay. Mods feel free to delete if not.
I'm an engineer and there are very few women in my field. I have worked at the same company for almost 27 years. About 3 years ago, we hired a woman into our department. I am not her direct supervisor. She is 33 and I am 50. She is from another country, but has lived in the US since she was an exchange student in high school. She is married and has 2 boys, the youngest she had about 2 years ago.
I have worked with her closely every day. We work on the same projects but handle different aspects. She needs information from me and I need information from her to do my job. We speak in person or on the phone numerous times each day. There are also emails, texts, and IMs depending upon the message. I would like to think I've learned boundaries. I am not one of those guys that ever really had opposite sex friends either.
I have developed a friendship with her. We have similar hobbies\interests and a similar sense of humor. I honestly think she sees me as a father figure. I have a daughter that's 27, and I have absolutely no romantic interest in a woman 17 years my junior. I have met her husband and spoken to him on the phone several times over the years. They have invited my wife and I to a few events over the years, but we've never met them in person because of schedule conflicts. She has a solid marriage, they seem happy in fact. I have super solid boundaries now. I have never commented on her appearance, we don't discuss any negative aspect of our relationships, there's absolutely nothing close to flirting going on either.
My company has been working remotely during the pandemic. She occasionally texts me after work hours, usually with some sort of question or wanting some sort of advice. This has increased lately because we're working remotely. She texted me something I thought my wife might find interesting at 8:51pm a few days ago and I showed my wife my phone. I truly thought nothing of it. My wife however wasn't too happy about it. She scrolled through about a year and a half, since I've had the phone, of texts and found nothing out of line. Nothing has been deleted either. Honestly, I value the coworker friendship more than I would any sexual relationship. It is far easier to find a woman to have sex with versus having a good platonic friendship. I would not risk that friendship for anything sexual. I would not insert myself into her marriage either. I've been there, no way in hell would I put another guy in that position. I have enough shit on my conscience, I sure as hell don't want to add anything else.
I guess the question is how can I make my wife understand I only have good intentions here? I've told her everything in this post and more and I'm not sure how to navigate this issue.
15 comments posted: Tuesday, May 26th, 2020