The Irony of R with a Remorseful WS
I find it ironic that my WW began her A because of the ego boost/validation/attention from some dipshit blowing smoke up her ass by telling her how wonderful she was and how hot she looked. I can understand that it feels good to have someone find you attractive. I get that people want to feel desired, appreciated, respected, loved, etc.
But, the things she was looking for in the A are now the things she will never get from me. At least not fully. I can't tell my WW that she's a good woman and I'm lucky to have found her. I can't tell her I love her and respect her with all of my soul. I can't discuss, much less brag, about my marriage to my buddies. I can't look at photos and think I've got everything I always wanted from marriage.
These things she needs for her ego are things I can't give because I don't feel or believe them. I can respect her efforts to improve herself and make amends, she's made enormous strides in those areas too. I can appreciate certain things. I can be somewhat content with our lives now and I can enjoy our family as a whole. But the damage is pretty damn deep and I view her entirely differently now.
Sometimes I think it isn't fair to either of us to continue this M. She can't meet my needs - trust, security, respect. I will never fully trust or respect her again. I know I can't meet her need for words of affirmation and I will never adore her again.
And that sucks. I absolutely adored her pre-A. I knew she wasn't perfect, but I accepted her faults. I am far from perfect myself. It also sucks that we did have a pretty damn good marriage before all of this bullshit. I always felt like we were a team. There were bumps in the road, but it was minor stuff. I felt like we were raising a family and building someone for the future. I truly thought she would never be unfaithful. I thought she had character and integrity. I thought her family mattered to her. I thought I mattered to her. Now I see her in a completely different light.
Last Friday was our wedding anniversary. 28 years. I let it go without any acknowledgement. I could tell she wanted to say something, but she let it slide too. I brought it up over the weekend and she started sobbing. I saw all of the grief, guilt, remorse, regret, and pain come pouring out her for what seems like the millionth time. I think I've become numb towards her. I don't know what to think really. I often feel like an outlier here; I've handled the betrayal much differently than virtually everyone else at SI.
But does anyone else relate to how I feel?
89 comments posted: Monday, July 26th, 2021
How to Handle Opposite Sex Coworker Interactions
So this is the first post I've started here at SI. I should say, I am a MH. I was a BH before I became a WH. My wife had an A with a coworker. I hope this post is okay. Mods feel free to delete if not.
I'm an engineer and there are very few women in my field. I have worked at the same company for almost 27 years. About 3 years ago, we hired a woman into our department. I am not her direct supervisor. She is 33 and I am 50. She is from another country, but has lived in the US since she was an exchange student in high school. She is married and has 2 boys, the youngest she had about 2 years ago.
I have worked with her closely every day. We work on the same projects but handle different aspects. She needs information from me and I need information from her to do my job. We speak in person or on the phone numerous times each day. There are also emails, texts, and IMs depending upon the message. I would like to think I've learned boundaries. I am not one of those guys that ever really had opposite sex friends either.
I have developed a friendship with her. We have similar hobbies\interests and a similar sense of humor. I honestly think she sees me as a father figure. I have a daughter that's 27, and I have absolutely no romantic interest in a woman 17 years my junior. I have met her husband and spoken to him on the phone several times over the years. They have invited my wife and I to a few events over the years, but we've never met them in person because of schedule conflicts. She has a solid marriage, they seem happy in fact. I have super solid boundaries now. I have never commented on her appearance, we don't discuss any negative aspect of our relationships, there's absolutely nothing close to flirting going on either.
My company has been working remotely during the pandemic. She occasionally texts me after work hours, usually with some sort of question or wanting some sort of advice. This has increased lately because we're working remotely. She texted me something I thought my wife might find interesting at 8:51pm a few days ago and I showed my wife my phone. I truly thought nothing of it. My wife however wasn't too happy about it. She scrolled through about a year and a half, since I've had the phone, of texts and found nothing out of line. Nothing has been deleted either. Honestly, I value the coworker friendship more than I would any sexual relationship. It is far easier to find a woman to have sex with versus having a good platonic friendship. I would not risk that friendship for anything sexual. I would not insert myself into her marriage either. I've been there, no way in hell would I put another guy in that position. I have enough shit on my conscience, I sure as hell don't want to add anything else.
I guess the question is how can I make my wife understand I only have good intentions here? I've told her everything in this post and more and I'm not sure how to navigate this issue.
15 comments posted: Tuesday, May 26th, 2020