"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Fireflyuk posted 10/24/2020 20:49 PM

Hi all.
I left my wife about a month ago, I already posted on here about it.
Anyway finally told her I was leaving and we could talk about division of assets in the near future.
To make things easy on her I said we would not do anything with all the assets for another year and we would split profits and wages from the company 50/50.
I can honestly say I am much happier in my beautiful but small apartment, I can feel a sense of my real self coming back.
So during this break up my wife has had a mental breakdown and is seeing a clinical physiatrist along with acounselor , so about 3 appointments a week.
She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.
So I am returning home but will live in the pool house .
She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.
I really would prefer to be left alone but I see her everyday in our family business.
I’m losing a ton of money giving up my 1 year lease 11 months early.
I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.
What to do ?
I’m feeling pretty down about returning and living next to her

Cooley2here posted 10/24/2020 21:05 PM

Has she threatened to kill herself? If she does it again call for help. That is a heavy burden for you to carry.

You know your situation. I don’t. This decision is probably best discussed with a therapist.

If possible get a complete psychiatric/psychological workup. It sounds like she has had some mental/emotional issues that need to be addressed.

Adlham posted 10/24/2020 22:52 PM

If you are dead set on divorcing, I think it is a terrible mistake.

It gives her false hope.

Even if you are on tbe fence or hope to eventually reconcile, I think it's a mistake

Unless you are a trained professional, you are not equipped to deal with or manage her mental health. This is something that she has to want to do and has to do on her own.

I know that all sounds rather cold, but everything in your post tells me that you are making a mistake. I fear you will end up bitter, resentful, & angry. Why should you sacrifice your peace of mind?

That's not me being a bitch. That's a genuine question.

It sounds like she needs help. But not your help. Not like this. Not where she has false hope and/or is in a position where she can manipulate you more.

Just my 2 cents.

ramius posted 10/25/2020 02:28 AM

Never root thru the garbage after you have taken it to the curb.

WhoTheBleep posted 10/25/2020 05:37 AM

Why is it your responsibility to keep her from self-destructing?

What about YOUR mental and physical health? Why aren't YOU important?

Remember, it was HER choices that created this situation.

siracha posted 10/25/2020 09:14 AM

You sound like you are motivated by altruism ? Not because you want to restart love or sex between you ? If thats the case make it very clear that you can help with meds and doctors visits maybe some housework but you should make zero physical contact and spend most evenings out with your friends and not playing the good husband role .
Its great to have empathy but your ex wife has to relearn how to live in the real world and how to stop expecting love from someone when she is not able to return it . Dont let her develop manipulative depression and keep you her prisoner. Your life is worth something too .

The1stWife posted 10/25/2020 12:29 PM

Sorry about your wife. It is nice you want to support her or help her but I believe it is leading her to believe there is hope for your marriage. Hope for your future.

She needs to understand she needs to learn to live on her own. It’s called consequences. The marriage is ending and you both need to move on.

She wants you to reconsider your choices. But that doesn’t mean you need to live with her or near her.

Hard to rip the band aid off but I think going back is detrimental to you. You are entitled to your plan for your future. She has professional support. Nothing else needed.

crazyblindsided posted 10/25/2020 16:24 PM

What about YOUR mental and physical health? Why aren't YOU important?

Remember, it was HER choices that created this situation.

This^

Justsomeguy posted 10/25/2020 16:58 PM

I feel for you. Your post reminded me about how I felt when I moved onto my wonderfully shitty, too small apartment. It was a
Amazingly peaceful. I looked forward to coming home, even though I was tremendously sad most of the time.

Your WW/STBXWW needs yo learn to stand on her own, as she has forced you to do. There are supports out there for her which dont involve further traumatizing her BS. It sounds like she is making this about her and bot giving a single though to how this effects you. A truly contrite WW would not dream of putting additional weight on you.

Rather than present the image of a emotionally maturexwomsn, she might be using the broken wing approach to hook you again.

WornDown posted 10/25/2020 19:15 PM

If you are set on leaving; if reconciliation is beyond happening...

Then you have to leave her mental well being up to her/others.

You are - literally - divorcing yourself of that responsibility.

"If she wants to kill herself, that's on her."

That's a quote I got from my dad who by the time he was 13 had put out 3 fires in his house from his alcoholic mom who passed out while smoking.

That was what he told me when I asked him about talking to my kids after their mom OD'd.

It clarified my thinking.

nekonamida posted 10/26/2020 10:04 AM

FF, you're not doing her any favors by returning. You're teaching her that all she has to do is cry, beg, and starve for a month to get you back. For a person who desperately wants you back under their control, 1 month is nothing. And your WW has a very clear history of controlling you.

It's never going to end until you end it. I've known guys who are still at the XW's beck and call years post D because they're too afraid of the XW being upset if they go NC despite not having kids or any real reason to still be close. It ruins their budding relationships because no one wants to date a guy still hung up on his XW. If this isn't a ploy at controlling you much like her asking you to give up tennis was, if she really is having a full-on codependent mental breakdown, you're enabling her by moving back. She needs to learn how to live separately from you. She needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet. She can't do that gradually like she claims. That's like an addict saying they will only do a little heroine from now on. It. Does. Not. Work!

Don't move back. Don't cave in. Go NC apart from D stuff and kids. You will highly regret it if you give in and you will have bigger problems with her pushing your boundaries if you don't hold steady now.

EvenKeel posted 10/26/2020 10:17 AM

She has been begging weeping , losing tons of weight and she was already super slim, for me to come back.

It is a manipulation tactic.

Like some of the others posted, I would advise against back-tracking your own progress.

She thinks it will be easy on her if we can disengage over time with me still living on the property.

It won't. D just sucks and there is no easier route.

I fear she will go top herself if I’m not around.

You call the authorities if she is suicidal.

I am not doubting she is mentally struggling but what she is proposing is not going to make it any better.

bookworm19 posted 10/26/2020 11:51 AM

Please, don't do that, don't sacrifice your sanity for her. Even if she is really sick, and she probably is, this is still manipulation. She fired you as her partner/husband/friend, you name ist and now wants a caretaker?! Just don't, there are other possibilities to get her help without you being there. This smells like manipulation, please believe.
You said yourself somwhere that she has a controlling nature. It's about control and what SHE wants and needs. You have been fired, sir, it's not your job anymore.

[This message edited by bookworm19 at 11:54 AM, October 26th (Monday)]

skeetermooch posted 10/26/2020 12:06 PM

I keep getting roped back into contact via suicide threats and I can tell you that we as BSs aren't equipped to help. She may genuinely believe your presence will soothe her but what she needs to do is the very hard, sad work of grieving her lost marriage, accepting her guilt in that and getting on with her life. She won't do that leaning on you.

It's just another way to control you. People lose weight when they get divorced - a lot of weight usually, they don't function well - that's all pretty par for the course. You are find yourself again - don't give that up.

DevastatedDee posted 10/26/2020 12:14 PM

This sounds like manipulation. Unfortunately, you wouldn't be the first one of us to leave and endure suicide threats and breakdowns of our former spouses.

If we meant that much to them that they would rather die than lose us, they would not have risked losing us by cheating in the first place.

Read that again.

This issue isn't about some great love she has for you and how she cannot survive without your presence. This is about her being a fucked up person and nothing you do or don't do is going to fix any of that. This isn't about you. It's about her, like everything has been all along. You can choose to be a tool she uses or you can choose you. This really is a choice between you or her.

I am envious of those who left without the "I'll have no reason to live without you" and "If I don't see you, I'll kill myself" and so on. It's hard to leave one of these victim people. They're always victims and always due to their own choices.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 12:27 PM

You are being manipulated and playing right into it. Every time you respond to it - you just train her even more on how to play you.

She's playing victim to circumstances she created.

Cut the drama llama. She lost the right to call the shots. Or have any say in them anymore.

You don't have to play.

PS - if she really is suicidal - contact the authorities - let them handle her.

tushnurse posted 10/26/2020 13:56 PM

She fired you from being the husband.
Honestly if you are concerned about her mental health you need to call the authorities, 911, ambulance whatever.

It is no longer your responsibility, and if you do go back, she is only going to manipulate and harm you further. I really hope you reconsider and do not make this move. It will be a mistake.

Rip the bandaid off.

Adlham posted 10/26/2020 15:06 PM

Please print out DevastatedDee's post and plaster it all around your apartment.

Many of us have been there. My ex was so bad that for many years, even after we split, I was afraid he was going to kill me first.

It was manipulating & controlling. It was a nightmare.

And then somewhere along the way, I started losing my humanity.

I offered to drive him to the tallest bridge in Portland so he could jump.

I even promised that I would lie to my daughter & tell her that he was a really great guy.

I wanted to send him a card that says, "You always said you'd die without me. I think it's time you kept that promise."

That's what years and years of abuse and manipulation does to you.

And he just got uglier and meaner and more controlling.

DevastatedDee posted 10/26/2020 16:31 PM

And then somewhere along the way, I started losing my humanity.

Yeah...that. I'm still really bothered that I reached the point where I told him "it's your life and your decision" when he'd threaten to kill himself. Within 2 years I went from loving him deeply to not caring if he killed himself. I needed him to leave me alone one way or another and if that was the way he chose to do it, fine.

And that is awful.

Fireflyuk, what dealing with her will do to you is not worth it.

Trapped74 posted 10/26/2020 17:39 PM

Do. Not. Do. It. You will never escape. She will always find a way to reel you back in.

If we meant that much to them that they would rather die than lose us, they would not have risked losing us by cheating in the first place.

Love this!!

She fired you from being the husband.

Exactly. Not your circus, not your poo-flinging monkeys.