"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Luckycline posted 10/23/2020 17:54 PM

I had commented months ago on a meme that said "Supported my wife for years through body shame issues and anxiety. Came home to her in lingerie today".

My response to this was "lol nice. Mine just started cheating on me".

Last weekend I had someone comment on that "lol nice. Mine coerced me into sex. Emotionally and verbally abused me."

Turns out it was my ex-wife who I hadn't had a conversation with about our relationship since before DDay.

We went back and forth with her saying she was seeing a therapist that said I had been abusive. I apologized to her for anything I might have done that could have been abusive. I asked her to admit to the affiar and she still wouldn't. Ended with her saying i'm still immature and that she hopes I get help with my anger issues and she hoped I treated the next girl i'm with with more respect.

For some backstory She'd left saying she didn't know if she loves me anymore, it wasn't my fault, I did nothing wrong, she just didn't know if she wanted to be in a relationship at all anymore. Wouldn't say if she wanted a divorce or not even though I begged her to tell me. This was after months of her coming to me weeping saying I'd married a broken person and she needed therapy, which I tried to set up but she never went to. So a month passes with her asking for space but she's promised not to see other people until she tells me she wants a divorce.

My birthday comes and goes. Nothing. Our anniversary comes and I send flowers to her work. That night I go to Facebook and her account is still signed in. So I snoop and find a message to her best friend saying "Natalie how old was the guy I slept with last night? Did he look 50 to you?"

I confronted her over text about this and am ignored so I decided to dig. We'd been married seven years at this point so I knew all her passwords. She'd been secretive about a discord server she was in where she played overwatch with people and I'd hoped to find info there but it was two factor protected. I did however find her search history via Google that basically outlined an online emotional affair that went back to early 2019. Some searches included limerance and how to get over it. The day before she left she googled "how to choose between your husband and lover, married but in love with somebody else" and her searches got super sexual in the days immediately after she left. I can't link the timeline of her searches i'd written out, but it was pretty clear what was going on.

I was in shock and didn't get screenshots of the search history as it was so spread out through normal searches and I just wanted a timeline.

I confronted her with all of my evidence and she denied everything saying just because she searched or it doesn't mean she did any of those things....

I thought about going deep into all the drama but decided against it. Basically I divorced her and she got alimony and she told me to never contact her again after DDay. After DDay we had basically zero contact outside of her legally threatening me via email about assets. Not a word of concern about me or talking about our 8 years relationship. Friends told me she was posting on Pinterest a year ago about being a sub, and posted pictures on instagram of overwatch pumpkins she'd carved with her new boyfriend. I tried reaching out a few times to say goodbye or ask if we could have a conversation and was either ignored or told i'm too immature for her to talk to me....

Since she left I've worked on myself a bunch. Got a better job, started doing volunteer acting as an extra with my cities opera, took up swing dancing, redid my whole wardrobe so I'm dressing way better, and have dated around a bit.

I was thinking things were pretty much settled now and it came as a big surprise that she'd stalked my reddit account and commented just to tell me how much of apiece of shit I am basically.

Any ideas on why i'm just now hearing from her after all this time?

ramius posted 10/23/2020 18:05 PM

Attention. She wants attention. It’s that simple. For whatever reason.

Don’t give it to her. Do not pet the drama llama.

Let her comments, emails, texts etc just drop off into space.

After a while she will realize you are not going to be a good source, and will find someone else to stroke her ego.

Luckycline posted 10/23/2020 18:20 PM

Ramius, i'm pretty sure she blocked me again after as she let me have the last word. That's really not like her lol.

Kinda spun me about a bit her saying i'd abused her. Made me question myself a bit.

Had to realize that if i'd actually been abusive she'd have mentioned it at all before she got caught.

Notthevictem posted 10/24/2020 00:33 AM

Her comment was entirely about seeing if she could still push your buttons.

And she found out she could. You going back and forth feeds her ego. She thinks that because she could draw you into it that she still is above you.

Her counselor says you were abusive? If she lied to you I bet she lied to them. If she didn't just make up having a counselor to begin with.

Ignoring her is the best thing you can do from now on. She will keep fishing as long as you respond.

Be above it. Block her when she comes fishing. There is nothing she has, can say, or can do that will ever mean anything to you.

crazyblindsided posted 10/24/2020 00:46 AM

Ignore her that probably affects her the most that you moved on and are not groveling like she expected. Maybe she’s finally realizing she really isn’t as special as she thought she was 🙄 She sounds like a narcissist.

99problems posted 10/24/2020 14:30 PM

Maybe you could block her on reddit as well. Then she can't passively aggressively unblock, comment, then block again.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 11:31 AM

What a drama llama.

If Reddit allows - block here there too.

hikingout posted 10/26/2020 14:37 PM

Any ideas on why i'm just now hearing from her after all this time?

My guess is that she has rewritten your marriage to validate her choices to herself and since you split, to others. When she saw you posted something contrary to what she was telling people she used that to a)publicly defend herself and b) to use it in a story to herself and others about how you will never "get it" and "always blame her".

WS often have a victim mentality. I know I did.

NotMyFirstRodeo posted 10/27/2020 08:29 AM

As bad as it hurts, she made her choice to throw you under the bus and circumvent accountability. If I understood you correctly, you are currently divorced so there really is no need for you to respond to her at all. The fact she feels compelled to comment on an old post, that she knows has substance, indicates how insecure, accountability avoidant and immature she is.

It sounds as though you may still be a little hung up on her. That's understandable if it's the case. But if that's so, realize that the heart is treacherous. Our hearts would have each of us live in abusive relationships indefinitely.

Rely on your mind, not your heart.

HalfTime2017 posted 10/27/2020 12:30 PM

Oh hell yea, exactly what Hikingout said.

The WWs are always these poor victims, but up until they got caught, never had a bad thing to say about you. Mine tried to spin a reason as to why she had to cheat. If only HaltTime knew how to treat me right, but its contrary to all her fake postings on social media about out lives.

Don't give her any more headspace. You divorced her ass, now let her fade into the abyss.

barcher144 posted 10/27/2020 12:48 PM

Any ideas on why i'm just now hearing from her after all this time?

Others have said something similar, but it's the usual cocktail of blame shifting, attention-seeking, and re-writing of history.

It's rather stupid, but they all pretty much act the same way.

I have a been accused of a long list of domestic assault and even rape by my STBXW. It's all crap. Much of it, I can prove that it was a lie.

She wants attention. She wants to trigger you. She wants you to lash out and show the world the awful person that she wants you to be.

The correct response is to shut up, ignore her, and move on with your life. It's healthier for you and it will only make her more angry (because you are not focusing on her!).

LosferWords posted 10/27/2020 17:28 PM

One word, sir: detach.

fooled13years posted 10/28/2020 10:23 AM

Luckycline,

"lol nice. Mine coerced me into sex. Emotionally and verbally abused me."

Would this bother you had it come from someone you had met but really didn't know?

Turns out you didn't really know who your ExWW was as she never truly let you in.

Kinda spun me about a bit her saying i'd abused her. Made me question myself a bit

If there was anything you had done, that was settled upon execution of the D.

Any ideas on why i'm just now hearing from her after all this time

I believe this is her realization that she and her actions were the ultimate reason for your D and she is rewriting the M history in an effort to assuage her guilt.

Bigger posted 10/28/2020 10:46 AM

I have sometimes wondered about some of my past relationships and if I was abusive in any way or form. My conclusion is that there were definitely things I did that I would not do again.
In the cancellation note for the wedding after walking in on my then-fiancé I could have used more tact and milder words. The cancellation note left no room to misunderstand what had happened. Her old aunts or grandparents had no need for that message. I did it to cause pain. I regret that and if I were to meet her, I would possibly apologize. But abuse or violence? No.

So yes – take her accusations to heart and think them through. Were there things you could have been better about? Were those things you should have been more considerate about? Do you see them as abusive in retrospect? Is deciding to go fishing next Saturday rather than spending time with her abusive? Is playing golf in limited spare-time rather than spend time with her abusive?
I venture that like most of us you might find space to improve, but I doubt you will see yourself as abusive in the typical meaning of that word.

I think people try to justify nearly everything they do. No matter how stupid or wrong. Saw a lot of it in the police: I’m not really drunk, it must be that I’m tired; I wasn’t speeding, I just followed the flow of traffic; I’m not hurting anyone, only those that want drugs buy from me; she didn’t say no and likes it rough… I’m guessing your ex is using abuse as the excuse for why she had to do what she did to leave you.

My suggestion: Ignore her and leave each and every time she touches on you.

Poppy704 posted 10/28/2020 11:12 AM

You posted about her. She didn’t “lash out” out of nowhere. She responded to what you wrote because it obviously disgusted her to be posted about. Now she could be 100% in the wrong, and you could be 100% right but it’s a moot point that you’re not going to get closure on because you’re divorced. This is just a lesson in being aware that whatever you post online can be found and come back to haunt you at a later date.

blahblahblahe posted 10/28/2020 14:17 PM

You shall find that generally questionable people do not like looking very deeply in the mirror and spend a great deal of time deflecting/projecting, bobbing, and weaving.

Her lashing out at your right of comment just shows she knows what she is, just doesn't like it much, WS's never do....I would suspect she is attempting to sully you to make herself appear less the harlot as there little doubt people in her new life have questions.

Another observation is that people who demand respect are usually the least deserving of it. Thus she and her opinions are without value.

smolderingdark posted 10/28/2020 20:14 PM

I've worked on myself a bunch. Got a better job, started doing volunteer acting as an extra with my cities opera, took up swing dancing, redid my whole wardrobe so I'm dressing way better, and have dated around a bit.

What you have stated above is why she is lashing out. That you are not at all like she has been describing you to others. That you are not pining for her. That you are not broken without her in your life. That you proved she is replaceable. That you have moved on. Ultimately that she has no control over you.

[This message edited by smolderingdark at 8:19 PM, October 28th (Wednesday)]

Luckycline posted 11/18/2020 21:57 PM

Thanks for the input guys.

[This message edited by Luckycline at 6:33 AM, November 19th (Thursday)]

HouseOfPlane posted 11/19/2020 07:29 AM

Turns out it was my ex-wife who I hadn't had a conversation with about our relationship since before DDay.

Guess who owns space in her head.

Detach...

Luckycline posted 11/19/2020 08:07 AM

House

That's been a back and forth struggle for me.

Some days I'm good and think I'm lucky she's gone with how poor of character she's shown that she has. With no interest in ever hearing from her again.

Other times I wish she'd at least own up to how utterly she's betrayed me. Either way I don't want her back.

I'd known her since I was 12 and we were married from 20-27 after having started dating at 19. There's a lot of history between us and the marriage was good until her affair.

I say this just to show how big of a hurdle is in front of me to completely detach.

As it stands now I'm more confident, overall happy, and more.... Me than I've been in many years. So it's not likes she's left me a broken shell of a man. Can't help but to feel sad about it all sometimes though. It was a damned waste what she did.