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When does this get better

BlindsidedAngry posted 10/23/2020 13:53 PM

Where to start, there is so much to say. My H had an affair that went on for a year with someone below him on the org chart at work.

I kicked him out, we separated 6 months. He broke it off with her (long story). We started therapy. HE is doing the "right things".

Trying to R and not sure I can. We are one year out (exactly) to the day I kicked him out of our house. How long does this last? I feel like I am stuck in a rewind with this terror show playing out in my head.

TX1995 posted 10/23/2020 14:05 PM

This was (is) my number one question since life as I know it ended on DDay 1.

I have good news and bad news.

Good news is that it DOES get better.

Bad news is that it take a lot of work and the dreaded TIME.

Really bad news is that it will never be "normal" again. You will not be the same. No matter whether you stay or go, life will just be different. The collective wisdom says it takes 2-5 years to "heal".

I personally am coming to the realization that "healed" might never be possible and that "healing" will be a really long process, at least when "healed" in my head means that I won't hurt anymore.

It does get better though. Best thing you can do is focus on yourself. See if you can join a betrayal trauma group. Focus on your own interests and mental health. Focus on your family and friends. Do things for others (compassion is a great healer). Hopefully your H is doing his own work too. And you can see how you feel about the marriage as you go.

I am sorry this happened to you. It sucks.

And I'm sure more sage advice will be on it's way from SI's wise advisors. I just wanted you to know that you've been heard and that you aren't alone.

somanyyears posted 10/25/2020 08:30 AM


There is a reason why some of us have been on Si for 10 years.

You are at the very beginning of a steep mountain to climb, or perhaps a deep, dark hole from which to climb out, maybe describes it better!


Notthevictem posted 10/25/2020 08:57 AM

TX1995 has the right of it. 2-5 years to heal.

For me, I chose to look at healing myself and healing the marriage as two separate things.

I gave myself markers like 'the marriage will be healed when I am proud to be married to her once again'.

Course I reached the marker for self healing within the 2-5 window.

The marriage one is not quite there yet.

You ask 'how long does this last', but I think what you mean is 'this shit still fucking hurts'.

Yeah, you're just a year out, so it will still hurt. The second year it did get better for me in some way and worse in others. The pain was less sharp, triggers were less frequent, the hamster running thoughts in the back of my head wasn't running as fast, and the compulsive need to investigate wasn't there nearly as bad. The worse was the pain hadn't stopped, and it felt like I was trapped with it. Fear of hurting forever was thick in the air. Fear I was making the wrong decision to offer reconciliation pretty common too.

I got through it though, and I healed. You will too.

jailedmind posted 10/26/2020 04:20 AM

Have to agree with everybody. Iím six years out and your never healed. Life is different and you view those around you differently. Gone is your innocence to trust blindly and your security that your spouse will always be there for you. Replaced by a feeling that you can be replaced. You can work on your self esteem and you get to a place where if they did it again you know you will kick thier ass to the curb and make it on your own . Just shitty that they did something like this to your relationship.

Chaos posted 10/26/2020 11:38 AM

Better is a relative term.

2 - 5 years is what they say. I'm just 3 years from DDay2 and just hit 2 years on DDays. In 2020 both those dates passed and I had no idea until days later. That's healing. I have 2 choices. Resent the fact that I have to heal or use that time/effort/energy into the business of being my best self.

I don't wallow in resentment. Waste of time. I do, when it strikes, acknowledge it [and sometimes that involves a good cry] and get on with the business of being my best self.

In many ways year 2 was worse than year 1. Year one I was in survival mode. Year 2 the POLF set in [read of the Plain of Lethal Flats in the Healing Library]. Now - I enter Year 3. I have no idea what it will bring.

Breathe internet friend. Be gentle with yourself. You have gone through trauma. You can't rush the healing.

Mickie500 posted 10/26/2020 19:34 PM

Itís not quite a year for me and Iím not able to stop the pain or the rewind. Iím trying my hardest. Going back to marriage counseling. We have been in individual counseling consistently. Itís hard.

Unhinged posted 10/26/2020 20:08 PM

It takes years to heal, BlindsidedAngry. There's really no way around it. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. It's a choice you have to make for yourself. I think it was around the 15th month that I decided to have a revenge affair with myself. I was able to step-back and detach from my FWW. I focused on me and the things that made me happy.

"Healing is a Choice," by Stephen Arterburn, is a good place to start. He's a Christian author and his writings reflect his views. While I'm not religious and skimmed quite a lot of the book, I found his reasoning very helpful and even took some comfort from his faith (less so in G-d than his views on Human nature).

Youknowit22 posted 10/27/2020 00:34 AM

Itís been about 6ish months since I found out about my husbandís emotional affair. We too are trying to reconcile but I am finding it VERY hard as well. We have kids and I am trying hard for them. Weíll have some good days but they are clouded by the constant rewind i have playing in my mind 24/7. He says the EA is over but I am always waiting for something else to come up or for me to find something else out. I donít entirely believe the A is over and people keep telling me to move on.

I donít know how to get past all of this. Reading stories of people who have healed is helpful. I hope you are able to start healing and reconcile. We didnít ask for this pain and it sucks so bad that we are having to live it. 🖤

Hippo16 posted 10/27/2020 05:31 AM

get a copy of "Cheating in a Nutshell" Wayne and Tamara Mitchell

20 chapters and takes 15-20 min (guess) to read each one

26 pages of notes and "works cited"

based on letters received from readers of their newspaper column and their web site (guessing about the web sight)

information presented in straight forward way - I did not pick up any philosophical or religious bias

two things stand out - like a searchlight beam in the night:

Cheating is a choice the cheater makes - cheatee is not responsible in any way for cheaters choice

The memory of the cheating becomes a piece of the fabric of your soul (my way of saying you never forget)

I'm over 35 years past - still remember vividly
and have read lots - this book is the most succinct one yet.

crazyblindsided posted 10/27/2020 11:35 AM

Healing time is usually 2-5 years, I would say it is more on the 5 year end. If he isn't remorseful well it lasts as long as you are in limbo.

I'm not in R but my healing is finally happening since I decided to S/D. It doesn't affect me the way it used to. Having to be around the perpetrator was hard.

RidingHealingRd posted 10/28/2020 03:48 AM

Here is the truth...it will feel like forever. Each personís story is different, each personís path to recovery is different.

For me it was a long journey, despite the fact that my WH was remorseful from the beginning. I raged for 3 years and did not repress any thoughts or feelings. Yes, 3 long, difficult, extremely sad and emotional years but my WH stuck it out. Year 4 something changed and the intense anger subsided. I stopped wishing he would die. Each year thereafter got so much easier.
Iím happy (and amazed) to say that it will be 10 years tomorrow. His shit affair is but a distance memory, which I shall never forget, but it no longer controls my mind.
For some there is light at the end of that 2-5 year tunnel.

ISurvivedSoFar posted 10/28/2020 05:42 AM

BlindsidedAngry - I'm sorry you are in so much pain. It is just inexplicable. It is in some ways endless in that this type of betrayal is a watershed moment in our lives. As others have said, it decidedly changes us and many of us, myself included, feel like our personas are before and after.

So the good news is the strength and resilience I found after the infidelity. It was hard won. It seemed like I couldn't recover and life would always be bogged down with the dark cloud of infidelity. It lifts. You know when that happens? It lifts when we've sorted through the stages of mourning a few times and processed the trauma. It lifts when we get that glimmer of knowledge that we can have the life we create for ourselves and we start to build it. It starts when we heal ourselves rather than worry about healing anyone else.

And the even better news is the change we get from this process is unmatched. It comes at a price as everything does in life. We are different, our life is changed, our M is changed (either through R or through S/D), and our perspective altered. We can leverage all of this for good but we cannot go back and undo the betrayal.

Best advice I got from the fine folks here was to feel and process the pain that was consuming me rather than fight it and ignore it. It helped the healing process tremendously.

Be sure to take the time for you including IC or anything else you need to feel better to counteract the struggles of recovering from infidelity. Happiness is possible and it is just around the corner.

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