Brew, to give you an idea of timeline for this, here's what I went through with regards to anger at the ap:
1st year - near constant violent revenge fantasies. Plans of how I would act or react if I came across them. Mental justifications to removing them from this world. "Scumbags like this hurt society and should be removed."
Triggers were incredibly hard, spiraling downwards to near insanity levels with anger.
Fought against these desires with realizations of self goals and family. I.e. didn't want my kids to see their dad in jail. Didn't want to give up my freedom. This isn't who I am. If this starts a family feud, would my kids be at risk? He got an uncle or brother that would seek revenge? Etc.
2nd year - near constant shaming revenge fantasies. Plans to destroy their lives socially. (i.e. fliers left at church, notification to parents that they failed as parents, bosses or ethics boards called, secret warnings to business partners and customers that their wives are at risk, etc). "Fucker needs to fall".
Triggers were not nearly as frequent, but every month or two would have an overwhelmingly strong one that took a couple days to recover from.
Fought against these desires with empathy for obs. I.e. What would happen to her and their kids if I did these things? Could she support their family without him?
3rd year - downgraded revenge plans to cruelest pranks. Irrational anger nearly gone. Mostly felt strong disgust. Can sum it up as something like "I won't seek them out, but if just so happened to walk in front of me, I don't know if I could brake fast enough."
I.e. planning was... Who really expects a subscription to gay porn magazines delivered to their work? For a good time call xxx-xxxx in bathroom stalls, etc.
Triggers were minimal, remember having one bad one the third year.
Fought against this with need to perfect the plan. I.e. that's funny, but not good enough. I could be traced with that one, don't need to get caught. That's generic, need something unique.
4th year I reached 'meh'. Meh might as well have been the zenith goal of a prodigious monk before then. Some folks reach it early... but not me. Course... I'm not a good person to begin with. Haven't wanted to be since high school. Reaching it in 4 years was more likely due to me focusing on what I wanted than actually attempting to not focus on ap.
So what helped and hurt me with the anger?
Alcohol slowed me the most in terms of recovery and dealing with emotions. Whatever was inside me that used to tell me when I've had enough... broke. Once I started, it snowballed. Not like a daily addiction but like after the 1st drink, they had to just keep coming until I was obliterated.
My kids, or desire to be a good father figure to them, helped the most.
As an aside, writing down their name on toilet paper and wiping with it... is cathartic. It sounds juvenile and silly, but it works. No clue why. I may or may not have ordered custom toilet paper with his face on each sheet to replace what was in the gas station near his house a couple times.