"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Brew3x posted 10/21/2020 10:34 AM

Am I the only one that envisions the AP in public. Every time I see a guy that resembles what I imagine the AP was like I ask myself is that the DB that fucked my W. Then I get hit with rage and want to peel his face off. It’s like I hate every guy in his 50’s that is short and in shape. It’s kinda funny becuase I saw some pics of AP so I know it’s not him.

Notthevictem posted 10/21/2020 11:07 AM

Yeah, being angry at dudes that mighta been ap is pretty normal.

You got a lot to be angry about.

EllieKMAS posted 10/21/2020 11:09 AM

I still get burning rage and disgust when I stumble across people online or IRL that resemble the AP. I think it's normal. Hope so anyways...

Oldwounds posted 10/21/2020 11:15 AM

Our AP was a family 'friend' -- so it still happens if I see a guy who looks similar to him in the world or on a TV show.

At this point, I'm mostly at peace, but part of me sort of hopes AP is silly enough to cross my path.

Chaos posted 10/21/2020 11:19 AM

That's a hard trigger for me.

Even though in my case AP lives 6 hours away in another state - if I see anyone with a strong resemblance it trigger city.

Bad news - that is one trigger that has not diminished

Good news - I'm better at handling it. I actually mentally prepare myself before going out. I remind myself that if I see someone that has a strong resemblance that
A - it not her
B - I'm a BASGU and she is not
C - breathe
D - breathe some more
E - if that isn't working to slowly walk to the nearest rest area or outdoors where I can sit with my head between the knees [if a kind stranger asks if I'm ok I always say I caught a whiff of perfume that went to my head - works like a charm and I've though it out ahead of time]
F - treat myself kind. Get a cup of coffee or diet coke - something that can be slowly sipped or savored - that retrains my brain
G - if WH is with me and notices I tell him "I'm having a bad moment" and he knows what's up.

The trigger is real and strong and it happens. I no longer let it control me. Having that plan of action has helped immensely. Make one for next time that happens. Review it over and over before you go out. Think of it as a mental fire escape plan.

TwoDozen posted 10/21/2020 11:22 AM

Not often but yeah it happens. Like seeing someone in a car driving the opposite direction and you just get a glimpse of a weasley, big eared, overweight mofo 🤣

But I also know what he looks like, Pre A I had a beer with the f*cker, he’s been in my car twice, actually at the time I liked him FFS 🙄

About a month ago I thought I spotted him playing football on the pitch next to my sons football game. Took me a lot not to walk into the middle of that game and kick the sh*t out of him. Like I would’ve survived boldly attacking a member of a football team mid game 🙄 anyway wasn’t him....

CaptainRogers posted 10/21/2020 11:43 AM

Have had to deal with that daily myself. Except I know the AP (contractor remodeling a bathroom for us), I know the face, I know what he drives, and I know his total lack of integrity.

For the better part of 2 years, I was still so angry with him that I couldn't carry because I didn't know that I wouldn't pull the trigger. Every time I saw a gray F-150 (do you know how many people drive a gray F-150?), my anger boiled.

After 6 weeks of EMDR therapy, I finally got to the point where my anger was a candle rather than a bonfire. I saw him one day at the stoplight across from me. We locked eyes. And I no longer wanted to kill him. Thats when I decided that I could carry again.

Anger is normal. Face it. Work through it. Do what is healthy to keep it from consuming you.

UnstuffedGiraffe posted 10/21/2020 11:46 AM

The chances of me randomly running into either AP is very low, so it’s not really on my mind when I’m out. I do have daydreams of horrible things happening like DWI get COVID in jail but no one takes symptoms seriously or lost at sea with an insufficient desalination system.

TwoDozen posted 10/21/2020 11:50 AM

^^^^ those are some specific and detailed daydreams :)

Brew3x posted 10/21/2020 11:55 AM

part of me sort of hopes AP is silly enough to cross my path.

I can relate to this even though it scared the hell out me what I might do. AP lives a few towns over so I imagine it’s unlikely but possible.

Not often but yeah it happens. Like seeing someone in a car driving the opposite direction and you just get a glimpse of a weasley, big eared, overweight mofo 🤣

This is hilarious. My W’s AP is from a town in MA know for white trash. If you kNow MA you know the type I’m talking about but to difficult to describe but I can’t stand these looser track suit white sneakers wearing MF’s who sit at the corner of the bar from noon til close.

Underserving posted 10/21/2020 12:06 PM

It’s highly unlikely I will ever cross paths with the OW. If I did, I doubt I’d even recognize her without a Snapchat filter.

IF it happened, and I was with WH (she wouldn’t likely recognize me) she would absolutely confront and run her mouth. I’d like to say that we would just walk away, but I’d probably punch her.

Real life scenarios are proving sweeter, however. Her new love of her life just got arrested for selling drugs. I think someone overdosed whom he sold to, so I think he’s in big trouble. It’s super sad for the person who ODed, but I still have to lol and then lol some more at OWs karma :) (She supposedly didn’t know he was married, but I don’t believe that anymore. I think she figured it out and didn’t care. Plus she lied to me just to hurt me so I still hate her guts)

Notthevictem posted 10/21/2020 12:24 PM

Brew, to give you an idea of timeline for this, here's what I went through with regards to anger at the ap:

1st year - near constant violent revenge fantasies. Plans of how I would act or react if I came across them. Mental justifications to removing them from this world. "Scumbags like this hurt society and should be removed."

Triggers were incredibly hard, spiraling downwards to near insanity levels with anger.

Fought against these desires with realizations of self goals and family. I.e. didn't want my kids to see their dad in jail. Didn't want to give up my freedom. This isn't who I am. If this starts a family feud, would my kids be at risk? He got an uncle or brother that would seek revenge? Etc.

2nd year - near constant shaming revenge fantasies. Plans to destroy their lives socially. (i.e. fliers left at church, notification to parents that they failed as parents, bosses or ethics boards called, secret warnings to business partners and customers that their wives are at risk, etc). "Fucker needs to fall".

Triggers were not nearly as frequent, but every month or two would have an overwhelmingly strong one that took a couple days to recover from.

Fought against these desires with empathy for obs. I.e. What would happen to her and their kids if I did these things? Could she support their family without him?

3rd year - downgraded revenge plans to cruelest pranks. Irrational anger nearly gone. Mostly felt strong disgust. Can sum it up as something like "I won't seek them out, but if just so happened to walk in front of me, I don't know if I could brake fast enough."

I.e. planning was... Who really expects a subscription to gay porn magazines delivered to their work? For a good time call xxx-xxxx in bathroom stalls, etc.

Triggers were minimal, remember having one bad one the third year.

Fought against this with need to perfect the plan. I.e. that's funny, but not good enough. I could be traced with that one, don't need to get caught. That's generic, need something unique.

4th year I reached 'meh'. Meh might as well have been the zenith goal of a prodigious monk before then. Some folks reach it early... but not me. Course... I'm not a good person to begin with. Haven't wanted to be since high school. Reaching it in 4 years was more likely due to me focusing on what I wanted than actually attempting to not focus on ap.

So what helped and hurt me with the anger?

Alcohol slowed me the most in terms of recovery and dealing with emotions. Whatever was inside me that used to tell me when I've had enough... broke. Once I started, it snowballed. Not like a daily addiction but like after the 1st drink, they had to just keep coming until I was obliterated.

My kids, or desire to be a good father figure to them, helped the most.

As an aside, writing down their name on toilet paper and wiping with it... is cathartic. It sounds juvenile and silly, but it works. No clue why. I may or may not have ordered custom toilet paper with his face on each sheet to replace what was in the gas station near his house a couple times.

LemonSpearmint posted 10/21/2020 12:30 PM

Everytime I see a short blonde woman that might possibly be her I get the urge to smash her in the face with a fish.
(H and OW bought me a fish to cover their dirty weekend as a boys fishing trip)
If I ever see her irl it's mutha-fukin-tuna-time! (Who am I kidding. I'd never hit anyone, but imagining it makes me feel better)

Notthevictem posted 10/21/2020 12:34 PM

Slapping someone with a fish is kinda funny. I'd be tempted to write something dirty in a fish market bathroom stall. 'Does this smell appeal to you? If so, call...'

LemonSpearmint posted 10/21/2020 12:44 PM

Oooh! That's a wonderful idea.

Also, I totally get the toilet paper thing, except i printed a hundred stamp sized pictures of her face and dropped each one into the bowl like poopourri everytime.

Odd but effective, though not especially classy.

Bigger posted 10/21/2020 12:44 PM

Brew

One thing worries me: “what I imagine the AP was like”
Are you clear on who the OM was? I know he was a trainer at a gym, but how did you get assurance the affair was over? How could you confirm that? No pictures? Never seen him?

I met my OM twice: There was the time I walked in on them having sex, and then about 8 months later I met him and some of his friends at a bar. He tried to be funny and made a comment about the cop that couldn’t keep his woman satisfied, but I shut him down by stating he was lucky: I had briefly considered shooting his dick off, but it had shrunk so fast and even at six feet it had become too small a target. Then I stared him down in classic mano-el-mano fashion and they left.

Brew3x posted 10/21/2020 12:55 PM

One thing worries me: “what I imagine the AP was like”
Are you clear on who the OM was? I know he was a trainer at a gym, but how did you get assurance the affair was over? How could you confirm that? No pictures? Never seen him?

He got fired from the gym before the A went physical and my W and I have since joined another gym together. I saw a few pics of him on FB. “What I imagine AP was like” I just meant what his attitude, personality, the way he carried himself was like. When I see guy that is about 50 who is in shape and thinks he’s a player I imagine that’s him. in Reality I have no idea what he’s like it’s just some persona I made up in my head. The A is over there’s been no contact in 10 or 11 months.
Edit to add he seems like a cross between a Jersey shore loser and a “Southie” loser idk it’s typical player loser type we have here in MA.

I think about shooting his dick off too.

[This message edited by Brew3x at 1:41 PM, October 21st (Wednesday)]

Jorge posted 10/21/2020 14:08 PM

Yes I did, but I never got mad at that person because if my fiancé' hadn't given her AP access to her mind, sould and body he would be just another faceless, meaningless guy to me.

The decisions of my fiancé is what made me look at other men suspiciously and instilled paranoia in me. My fiancé claimed vulnerabilities, etc but I never bought it and even if I had it didn't justify her actions in any way.

If it wasn't him it would have been another. The common denominator was my fiancé so that's where my focus started and remained until we parted.

fooled13years posted 10/21/2020 14:52 PM

The man who betrayed my with my ExWW, and fathered her child, was who I had considered as a brother.

When everything came to light he came to my house with a hid behind his wife until I started walking towards him then he fled leaving his BW behind.

This person died of cancer not long ago so I hold no ill will toward him any longer but as he served in the Navy while I served in the Corps I still hold my Navy brothers and sisters in a little less regard.

I know almost all who had served, are serving or will serve in the Navy are people of great integrity and morals but this type of betrayal from one of their own has seemed to have dimmed my view a little of the entire institution.

RunningLowNow posted 10/22/2020 11:43 AM

My wife"s AP had a sleeve of tattoos on his right arm that extended to his right chest and back. He was very proud of his tattoos and displayed them in the pictures of them fucking. Even though he has been dead for years, and was already dead when I found out, I still hate tattoos and trigger when I see anything that reminds me of his tattoos. Funny thing is that my wife has always hated tattoos. Still does.