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Sex Question for BW's

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MyAndI posted 10/15/2020 00:48 AM

Do BWs have graphic mind movies about their WH's with OW? MY BW said she was more afraid of the emotional attachment I may have had to OW, not so much the graphic details of the sex, although she did ask on DDay and then never brought it up again.
Just curious.

Sunny69 posted 10/15/2020 03:44 AM

Hi MyandI,,
Yes we do. Well I certainly did/do.
I was tormented for months (probably best part of a year) with hi intensity painful mind movies. The only way I could control them in the beginning was to pretend he was someone else, someone new. It's very painful to experience and some of the most subtle things hurt the most, like imagining them lying in each other arms, whispering sweet nothings to each other. A place that I thought was mine. Recently just seeing him 'in action' with me and seeing all that he was getting pleasure from, filled me with an overwhelming heaviness/sadness, because in that moment I could see/imagine all the pleasure he was getting from her and how insignificant and worthless I had become to him.
As a BS you turn to sites like these (which has helped me considerably in my darkest moments), but you also read a lot about 'hot monkey sex', affair sex was the best, how WS still remember the great sex they had with AP, miss the sex, were more sexually compatible with AP and all those comments cut deep.
As we have evolved post dday I personally have felt a shift in my mindset to our sex life. 3 years on, we are still together, still working it out, but that innocence of it just being something between the two of you (since you first decided to be a couple and create a life together) is gone forever. For me now sex is sex, a carnal desire fulfilled by two people attracted to each other. There is no 'magic', there is no 'special'. My other half has told me on numerous occasions that our sex life is out there on a different plane to his affair sex, that there is no comparison. But his actions devalued his words and I cannot see how our sex life can ever be better post dday/affair.
Now I have a question for you, is sex always just sex for a WS, with your spouse, AP. Do you already have a romantic disassociation with it, which helps starting an affair easier?

The1stWife posted 10/15/2020 04:38 AM

I do not have those images that trigger me. Iím one of the lucky ones.

SI Staff posted 10/15/2020 05:28 AM

   Moving to Wayward Side

landclark posted 10/15/2020 06:35 AM

As far as I know my WH only kissed somebody, but I do have flashes of what was said, his video chats, phone calls, that were of a sexual nature, and it does sometimes stop me from being able to be intimate with him. If I knew for sure there was sex with another woman involved, then it would be 100 times worse. I probably wouldnít be able to get past it.

hollowhurt posted 10/15/2020 08:56 AM


I completely get you on this

As we have evolved post dday I personally have felt a shift in my mindset to our sex life. 3 years on, we are still together, still working it out, but that innocence of it just being something between the two of you (since you first decided to be a couple and create a life together) is gone forever. For me now sex is sex, a carnal desire fulfilled by two people attracted to each other. There is no 'magic', there is no 'special'.

It's not like that Hall and Oats song, 'you lost that loving feeling', it is more like 'you gave our loving feeling to another' now it's gone, gone, gone.

Can a BS or WS either give a point of view with how they overcome this 'lost innocent feeling',

MyAndI posted 10/15/2020 10:21 AM


I gather it's not that far from your dday, you can get the romance back. It just takes time!

DevastatedDee posted 10/15/2020 10:45 AM

Yes. I didn't give a shit about whatever emotional attachment he might have had with a prostitute, but the sex was too much for me to deal with. I never could enjoy touching or being touched by him again. It was traumatic to have sex with him after DDay. It lost everything special it once had for me. I have never had trouble having casual sex, so it isn't that sex has to "mean something" to me, but that was the most tainted sex I have ever had in my life. For sex with my husband to feel dirty and not in a hot way was not something I overcame. Graphic mind movies mixed with the trauma of being with someone who had betrayed me so fully was not something I had in me to handle.

Evertrying posted 10/15/2020 10:54 AM

Yep. Mind movies kicked my ass for about a year. And I mean they were REALLY BAD. I would literally shake like I was freezing to death.

I was also one of those BW's that were more concerned about the emotional attachment because with my H, sex IS attached to emotions. He hasn't had many sexual partners in his life, and must feel some kind of something to have sex. He is not a ONS kinda guy. He knew his AP for 2 yrs and were friends first before anything became physical. He is an intellectual type and must have "mind stimulation" to become physically attracted to someone, so I knew there was more than just sex with his AP.

Trapped74 posted 10/15/2020 14:48 PM

Yup. 5.5 years out from DDay and I still have the mind movies. Sometimes during sex (that really sucks) sometimes completely randomly. I will never forgive or forget what my POSWH did then (and continued to do in supposed R). The mind movie make me sick to my stomach.

She-Ra posted 10/15/2020 15:33 PM

If my WBF knew how bad my mind movies looked like, he would probably think R is hopeless

Thissucks5678 posted 10/15/2020 18:33 PM

I had them terribly for about at least a year. I donít have them anymore.

Chaos posted 10/15/2020 19:22 PM

Oh yes. But I was one of the ďluckyĒ ones that had dozens of photos of them together. Nudes, close ups of body parts (one of a donut on her boob), his D in her face and a whole series of them in bed together. I have screenshots of their sextversations.

I can close my eyes and see them. They arenít as powerful and all consuming as they once were. But they do come. Most of the time I can f*** them out of by brain. And I make it all about me. I used to weep silently after. Not as much anymore. Now when they come I just feel empty. I donít weep anymore. Just kind of sit with the silence. And make sure I treat myself extra nice.

I guess oversimplified they will always be there. But the frequency and intensity lessens.

deephurt posted 10/16/2020 00:51 AM

Yep. 6 years later and I still have them, specifically during sex.

Onebiglie posted 10/16/2020 05:46 AM

I hope all the BHs are reading this, and anyone else, who think women don't care about the sexual/physical aspect, or thats they 'get over it' quicker. That's false. As many of the responses say, they never go away. And while I understand that generally BH are very traumatised by the sexual aspect, that can and does apply to BW as well.

In fact there's the added layer of body image issues that women have, being compared to OW, who may be younger or childless or thinner, whatever (doesn't matter-they're not pretty on the inside and they too will age).

Not to say that men don't have body issues, but we all know that social media, the fashion industry etc. has us women comparing ourselves to impossible standards. It's second nature to do that. When WH give us something to compare ourselves to directly - and THEY DO - I'm not buying that it's something a BW voluntarily does for the sake of it. If your husband cheats/sleeps with another woman, the comparison is already there. It's not our fault because we acknowledge it and it then causes us pain.

There was never supposed to be another woman, so we were never supposed to have someone our brains automatically compared ourselves to. And WH do a lot of comparing whether they admit it or not, and they are after all, liars. BW have either seen proof of their WH comparing them less favourably, or are certain that they did, even if there's no evidence/he deleted the evidence. Even a WH saying he loves his wife the most/enjoys sex with her the most, is proof that he did compare them.

And if comparing makes BWs insecure, then yeah that's the point. They didn't ask for this. Insecurity can't now be a flaw-they were given this as well. It was part of the package. Good for women who don't have this problem but the majority do-because it's natural. It's animal instinct.

Like the one poster said, if her WBF knew how bad they are, he'd think R is hopeless.

Maybe if people took more seriously just how much they've damaged the relationship with their cheating, they wouldn't take R for granted. Say they want it but not do anything.

Call themselves remorseful but then their wife is crying in the bathroom after sex and he's asleep or completely oblivious. Even though it's common sense that she would find sex traumatic due to the mind movies.

Let's cut the bullshit in saying BW are somehow not bothered/hurt by the sexual aspect. It's not just a jealousy thing. It's real, because sex can be as important to women as it is to men. So one day when you find out that your protector & lover not only betrayed you by bringing another woman essentially into your sex life and marriage, but he

Put your sexual health at risk. He's saying he doesn't compare, that he prefers sex with his wife. But yet, the OW was so irresistible, that it was worth giving his wife an STD???. That's not consensual sex btw. BW now have to insist on using condoms with THEIR OWN HUSBANDS, because they can't trust him with their health. Like they're 16 yr olds, or it's a one night stand. But they don't have a choice. He didn't use it with the OW, even if he did it's still not safe/consensual, so now his wife has to use the condoms. Thanks very much WH.

This is a man that values sex with his wife? No. This is abuse. It damages sex for BWs.

Check out the R/general forum. Full of BWs saying they can't enjoy sex anymore.

Maybe if WH were more remorseful, they would realise R isn't some small gift their BW give on a whim. You could lose your wife over this whether she loves you or not. BWs need and want sex with their husbands, in a faithful marriage. If you defiled that, understand what you did.

Give your wife the full credit for the sacrifice she's making for you.

Onebiglie posted 10/16/2020 05:52 AM

And MyAndI, with respect,

You should already know this. If you've read about infidelity and especially from BWs like your wife, you should know this.

(You should have known it before you cheated.)

You shouldn't have to ask if BWs get mind movies during sex. Not only are there more BWs than BHs who have shared this on this very site, but it's common sense.

Did your wife have an A? I can't remember if you're a madhatter? But if your wife didn't, imagine if she did. Then apply that to her, and not an ounce of pain less because she's a woman.

If fact, double what you think the pain is, since you're just imagining it. And she's actually living it. Imagine having sex through that

DevastatedDee posted 10/16/2020 08:59 AM

Big applause, Onebiglie. Very well said.

ashesofkali posted 10/16/2020 13:54 PM

I'm a BW. Onebiglie expressed all the things I felt but never got to say to my remorseless xWH. The mind movies were both agonizing and constant Ė I nearly lost my job, in fact, because I was so distracted by them. Sex with xWH was absolute misery after DDay. Every time we had sex, I ended up hating myself almost as much as I hated him. The only way I was able to kill the mind movies and enjoy sex again was to start a new relationship with a new lover, long after the divorce was final.

strugglebus posted 10/16/2020 14:30 PM

I had terrible awful mind movies. After a solid year of EMDR therapy and somatic experiencing therapy and tapping and changing lots of things, they started to dwindle. But it took a lot of work on my part.

You should ask your wife.

The thing that helped most in recovery has been being open and honest and vulnerable with one another. Just ask.

Evertrying posted 10/16/2020 14:57 PM

his D in her face

OMG. I can't imagine seeing that. I am so sorry.

Just goes to show you how really classy she was,,,,

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