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growing, but apart?

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NeverTwice posted 7/18/2020 10:07 AM

So - it was an exit affair. And you are doing nothing but damaging your BH even more. Set the man free. Then start on working on YOU. And, gently, you are very broken in regards to relationships.

Stop dragging this out. Stop adding to the chaos, pain and deceit. For once - do the right thing for your BH and family instead of focusing on yourself for a change.

[This message edited by NeverTwice at 1:52 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

nightmare01 posted 7/18/2020 10:58 AM

My affair was really an exit affair. I hung on when it turned out that my assumptions about his not loving/caring/cherishing me were false. He does love me, he just didn't know how to do it and gave up trying years ago.

I thought BH was interested in my friend (he was) and no longer loved me. I was always so afraid of abandonment and his leaving/losing interest that I never put myself fully into our M. (Didn't really have a well developed sense of self going into M from narcissitic parental abuse and the abuse of my sister.) I chose to mirror him in his interests, hobbies, sexual preferences so I could ensure he wouldn't leave me or start shopping the competition (like my dad did to my mom). Now that I'm working all that out in IC (as well as my own sexual issues), I'm finding I don't have any clue who I really am and don't like who I had allowed myself to become.

To me, it sounds like you are saying that your affair was his fault. Is that what you believe?

QuietDan posted 7/18/2020 15:06 PM

If the original relationship was based on unhealthy behavior that was being supported through enabling, there will likely be all sorts of problems and issues if the balance gets disrupted. It takes a long time to break old habits and form new ones that are healthy, to replace the unhealthy ones.
To have a healthy functioning relationship will take a while. Everyone has to change and adjust the the changes.

Pleaseforgiveme1 posted 7/18/2020 20:06 PM

I'm not sure why I'm commenting because I don't have any wisdom, advice, or encouragement to share. I am a WW who has made so many mistakes in reconciliation I could write a 'what not to do' book. 😂 Ugh, not funny tho. 😔
The reason I chose to comment (while putting off posting my story) is because the advice you have been given here is amazing. I'm hoping someone reading this would like to be a mentor to me and help me reconcile with my ex-husband correctly. Plesee hell, I'm desperate and will take an advice.
Oh, and I'm working on my story so I can post it and start the pruocess on this website.
Thanks for your time.

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