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growing, but apart?

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MIgander posted 7/16/2020 09:13 AM

Anyone find this happening? As you heal and they heal that you're growing apart and it's really not a fault on your (BS) part, nor is the differences really the WS fault, just you're finding yourselves to be different people?

What do you do as a WS to help your BS heal after everything when it's looking like you're not the right people for each other after all and that you likely shouldn't have been married in the 1st place? How do you make up for wasting their time and all the pain they've been through?

Not sure we should separate or if any of this is really without hope, just been having a rough month and wondering what to do to make it better for him.

NeverTwice posted 7/16/2020 09:27 AM

You know, this is going to sound harsh, but are you just trying to bail on the marriage because you do not want to do the work reconciliation takes?

What do you do as a WS to help your BS heal after everything when it's looking like you're not the right people for each other after all and that you likely shouldn't have been married in the 1st place?

Was your affair really an exit affair? I have read a few of your posts and it seems like you are NOT committed to reconciliation at all.

So...what gives?

fooled13years posted 7/16/2020 09:38 AM

MIgander, please explain what you mean by

growing apart

If it is in different hobbies, likes or how to raise the kids that can be a strength of the marriage.

If it is whether you both have different views on the relationship or whether you should be married or not this may be a problem which needs some communication and work but doesn't necessarily spell doom.

If it's that you both want different things out of life and this marriage does seem to be one of commonality then further discussion must be had.

Chaos posted 7/16/2020 09:39 AM

wondering what to do to make it better for him.

You can't. Even when R is going well it takes 2 active participants, time, there are ups & downs and it isn't a walk in the park.

If you want to be done, just do it. Don't hang around hoping that he'll be the one to say it. That's cruel.

MIgander posted 7/16/2020 12:14 PM

My affair was really an exit affair. I hung on when it turned out that my assumptions about his not loving/caring/cherishing me were false. He does love me, he just didn't know how to do it and gave up trying years ago.

I thought BH was interested in my friend (he was) and no longer loved me. I was always so afraid of abandonment and his leaving/losing interest that I never put myself fully into our M. (Didn't really have a well developed sense of self going into M from narcissitic parental abuse and the abuse of my sister.) I chose to mirror him in his interests, hobbies, sexual preferences so I could ensure he wouldn't leave me or start shopping the competition (like my dad did to my mom). Now that I'm working all that out in IC (as well as my own sexual issues), I'm finding I don't have any clue who I really am and don't like who I had allowed myself to become.

Problem is, it's a bit late to "find yourself" when you've got responsibilities to spouse and children. It's hell. I'm starting to figure my wants and needs out and he's finding that we're different people. I'm ok with our differences and don't see them as a threat, but a hope for future complementarity (you know, someone is better with x but the other is better at y and we help each other with it?). He's having trouble because he's finding our differences as a threat. It's lead to a lot of sadness/ insecurity on his part and feeling of rejection on mine.

I just want to get to a place where I can look myself in the mirror and know who I really am and be satisfied with who that person is. I'm really worried that who that person is isn't going to "cut it" and be "good enough" to be his wife. That he's always going to be disappointed and depressed and hurt by what I did.

And yet, we have 13yrs married together and have know each other off and on nearly all our lives. We have 2 beautiful children and I don't want to throw that family life away or hurt the kids more than they already are by an unnecessary divorce.

So that is the source of my ambivalence. Not because BH is any way unworthy, just that I don't know and like myself right now, and am afraid that in the process of knowing and growing to like myself that he's going to ultimately disappointed in the person I've grown to become.

EllieKMAS posted 7/16/2020 12:26 PM

Problem is, it's a bit late to "find yourself" when you've got responsibilities to spouse and children. It's hell. I'm starting to figure my wants and needs out and he's finding that we're different people. I'm ok with our differences and don't see them as a threat, but a hope for future complementarity (you know, someone is better with x but the other is better at y and we help each other with it?). He's having trouble because he's finding our differences as a threat. It's lead to a lot of sadness/ insecurity on his part and feeling of rejection on mine.
To me, this reads like you're just hanging around until some(one)thing better (more complimentary) comes along. It is so not fair to your BH to be attempting R with someone who doesn't care one way or the other. All that will do is cause him more pain and lengthen his healing time by a lot.

And treading carefully but FWIW, this post still sounds very blame-shifty.

As you heal and they heal that you're growing apart and it's really not a fault on your (BS) part, nor is the differences really the WS fault, just you're finding yourselves to be different people?
These 'differences' came to light because you had an affair. Maybe your marriage wasn't perfect before (news flash - NO marriage is), but instead of working on your marriage, you chose to cheat.

If you want out, then do the grown up thing and file and give him whatever he wants in the divorce. Just my 0.02.

fooled13years posted 7/16/2020 12:33 PM

MIgander, your last post wreaks of projection.

You may get to a point where

I can look myself in the mirror and know who I really am and be satisfied with who that person is

The problem is that you will change as a person as you enter and exit each season of your life.

Continue to work on yourself for you and know that who you are today is not who you will be tomorrow, next year or the next decade.

Chaos posted 7/16/2020 12:51 PM

Problem is, it's a bit late to "find yourself" when you've got responsibilities to spouse and children

Adulting is hard. I don't mean that quite as bitchy as you may be reading it. But the reality is responsibility most times isn't fun. And having a spouse and children should be priority and focus. As a wayward spouse that would only intensify.

It is never too late to live your best life. It is never too late to be your best self. And those definitions change. It is never too late to find a new hobby or learn a new skill. Few couples I know have identical everything. As your children get older you will have more time. Heck - ask any mom [and a few dads] and wandering aimlessly around Target becomes a form of treasured self care. Throw in a Starbucks with it - aaaahhhhhh.

But if "responsibilities to spouse and children" are just a chore to you, something you are doing out of obligation and nothing more. If you are counting down the days, years to your "freedom" perhaps you would be best to leave. They deserve more.

Chaos posted 7/16/2020 12:51 PM

Problem is, it's a bit late to "find yourself" when you've got responsibilities to spouse and children

Adulting is hard. I don't mean that quite as bitchy as you may be reading it. But the reality is responsibility most times isn't fun. And having a spouse and children should be priority and focus. As a wayward spouse that would only intensify.

It is never too late to live your best life. It is never too late to be your best self. And those definitions change. It is never too late to find a new hobby or learn a new skill. Few couples I know have identical everything. As your children get older you will have more time. Heck - ask any mom [and a few dads] and wandering aimlessly around Target becomes a form of treasured self care. Throw in a Starbucks with it - aaaahhhhhh.

But if "responsibilities to spouse and children" are just a chore to you, something you are doing out of obligation and nothing more. If you are counting down the days, years to your "freedom" perhaps you would be best to leave. They deserve more.

MIgander posted 7/16/2020 13:05 PM

Hi Chaos,

Not counting down the days. Just don't feel free to parent my children the way I would like to parent. My husband has much anxiety about disastrous things to our children if they step outside the safe little island of our house. He is very conservative in letting them even walk the dog to the end of our court without us (they are 8 and 10 and we live in a rural area). He doesn't like taking them places that I would like to take them, doesn't see the need to invest in outside activities like swim lessons, horseback riding (DD loves it and I had to FIGHT to get her it). It's very stifling.

I want to sponsor my kids at this stage in their childhood through all the self discovery they can do. They're at an age where they are learning to do more for themselves and it's a joy to watch their new skills building. BH is a very fearful person and is still very dependent upon his parents. To the point of financial entanglement and lying to continue their enabling. I'm at the unhealthy opposite of that extreme. I have no reliance on my parents as one is dead and the other is a narc in FL (sorry FL, you've gotta deal with her now! ).

So the east meets west in parenting styles at this stage in our kids childhood is wearing and stifling. It's making our kids anxious about new experiences, making them feel lonely not being out with their peers (covid doesn't help either) and also watching them work through feelings of worthlessness since they've not developed a healthy sense of risk taking and self reliance yet is painful.

I want our children to be curious about the world, confident in their exploration of it and well equipped to deal with the curveballs life will throw at them. Keeping them in a bubble will not allow that to happen. We have a tough time in our marriage coming to happy medium on our perspectives and mine is usually the one to go out the window as BH demeans/disagrees with my ideas and then I cave so he doesn't abandon me or dislike me and I can gain his approval. Choosing his approval over the growth of my children .

So no, it's not the responsibilities of childrearing that are a drag on me, it's the constant struggles to raise them in an environment that is at once safe and nurturing but not claustrophobic and smothering.

HellFire posted 7/16/2020 13:42 PM

A few weeks ago,you were given really good advice on your thread in the wayward forum. You abandoned that thread. I suggest you read it again,and take in the advice given.

HellFire posted 7/16/2020 13:46 PM

If it's truly just parenting style differences, I suggest you find compromise. In today's world, the courts typically award custody/visitation at 50/50. So half the time they would have your parenting style,then the other half his. You can't dictate how he parents when he has his children.

Thumos posted 7/16/2020 14:55 PM

And treading carefully but FWIW, this post still sounds very blame-shifty.

Agreed, and also a little woo-woo relativistic Esther Perel-esque.

Sorry to be harsh, but hopefully you're not going to tell us next about how we need to have a more nuanced discussion of infidelity or the subtleties of "entanglements" or how your affair was "generative" for you and helped you on your journey of "growth, exploration, and transformation."

I sure hope not.

Frankly this ...

What do you do as a WS to help your BS heal after everything when it's looking like you're not the right people for each other after all and that you likely shouldn't have been married in the 1st place? How do you make up for wasting their time and all the pain they've been through?

reeks of untested self-talk designed to rationalize an escape hatch instead of buckling down for carrying the load during reconciliation. "you broke it, you buy it" also known as "you break it, you remake it."

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:00 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 7/16/2020 15:03 PM

Migander,

Most of your posts start off "saying the right thing" but as we dig they always seem to really be an indictment of your husband.

Quite honestly...do you even like this man? You come across (like PP said) very Ester Pearl. That your affair had been an "awaking" moment and now you see how lacking your life was. By life....I mean your spouse.


I really want you to succeed...but I'm wondering if we(SI in general) and you have the same view of success when it come to you, your husband and your marriage.

I think you need to be BRUTALLY honest with yourself and decide what you want.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 4:56 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 7/16/2020 16:35 PM

I know two women who have had affairs recently. They both were done with their marriages. One is now divorced. The other reminds me a bit of you and she is actively contemplating divorce.

I can completely see how if you have an exit affair, growing as a person can make you realize you want out. In a strange way, as happy as I am with my WH, Iíd be really impressed with him if he came to me one day and just said that he wanted a divorce. That would mean he had grown that much that he could have that difficult conversation with me.

I donít know, Migander. If you donít want to be married to your husband anymore, then get a divorce. It sounds as though you both have some fundamental differences on some pretty important topics. The worst thing you can do is to continue to drag him along with false reconciliation. No BS needs to be with a WS who is not invested in the marriage.

Thumos posted 7/16/2020 17:07 PM

all the pain they've been through?

Just noted the passive voice here, very telling.

How about instead ďall the pain that I caused through my selfishness and cruelty.Ē

Fixed it for you.

SI Staff posted 7/16/2020 19:56 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

nekonamida posted 7/16/2020 21:01 PM

MI, I agree with Hellfire and I'll repeat myself - if you want out, divorce is the kindest and least selfish thing you can do for your BH. Because even this:

Not counting down the days. Just don't feel free to parent my children the way I would like to parent.

Sounds like a good reason to be the one to step up and initiate a separation. The only real reason you need though is because you want to.

More food for thought - how do YOU believe not knowing yourself played a role in your affair? Do you really think it was one of your reasons/justifications or is it an excuse given now after the fact? Can't say I understand how not knowing yourself automatically means you're devoid of basic morality and decency but I suppose anything is possible.

What I will say is that people tend to think that a journey to self realization must be done alone and it's not true. You can take the journey alone if you want to. You can take the journey alongside your BH. Yes, it's possible that you will come out the other side realizing your spouse is not who you want to be married to but color me skeptical in believing you've done the enough hard work and introspection in the time since your last post to make that determination. Are you truly growing possibly with the help of IC, self help books, research, meditation, and other resources or are you once again walling yourself off from your BH and refusing to communicate with him, creating the distance yourself, and using it as justification to continue to cast blame on him? I may not know for certain but I can't help but notice the latter was a frequent theme in your previous posts as recent as 3 weeks ago. And even then, you talked a lot about D.

Have you tried something different in regards to your BH since your last post? Have you told him something kind or something he's doing right? Have you genuinely tried to listen WITHOUT snarky comments and shutting down the conversation? If not, I do recommend you follow through with the S/D you've been wanting because you are not capable of doing the work necessary to turn this marriage into something healthy and beneficial to the both of you.

If you want out, get out. Stop bringing everyone else down with you in this mire of misery you've created. Like Thissucks said, at least you would be showing a positive step for yourself worthy of some respect if you are honest and authentic in your desire for a divorce with your BH. So own it and take control of your life.

gmc94 posted 7/17/2020 10:36 AM

The worst thing you can do is to continue to drag him along with false reconciliation. No BS needs to be with a WS who is not invested in the marriage.
You made some really bad choices that have seriously (and perhaps permanently) harmed your BH. I don't ever get a sense that you have even the slightest interest in understanding how badly your actions have hurt him (the word "trauma" is not bandied about bc it's bullshit). I don't get a sense that you have any desire to assist in trying to heal what has been broken in him (Chaos & I are on the same page there - you cannot "fix" it, but you sure as hell can provide support).

Why do you even want to be M to your BH?

And I gotta echo Thumos comments, esp the Esther Perel hogwash. A lot of flowery words that look to me to be designed to somehow romanticize the fallout from lying and cheating.

color me skeptical in believing you've done the enough hard work and introspection in the time since your last post to make that determination. Are you truly growing....or are you once again walling yourself off from your BH and refusing to communicate with him, creating the distance yourself, and using it as justification to continue to cast blame on him? I may not know for certain but I can't help but notice the latter was a frequent theme in your previous posts as recent as 3 weeks ago. And even then, you talked a lot about D.

If you want out, get out. Stop bringing everyone else down with you in this mire of misery you've created. Like Thissucks said, at least you would be showing a positive step for yourself worthy of some respect if you are honest and authentic in your desire for a divorce with your BH. So own it and take control of your life.

Ditto.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:39 AM, July 17th, 2020 (Friday)]

99problems posted 7/17/2020 11:06 AM

I wish my wife would have divorced me preinfidelity.( I also wish I would have divorced her) I would be her friend and co-parent in this world. It would have hurt, but I would have understood eventually that it was the best thing for everyone.
Now that will never happen. We will never have a relationship outside of discussing parent things. I doubt I will ever think a kind thought about her again.
Lies are poison. Don't live in poison. Divorce this man and set him free.

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