Return to Forum List

Return to The Book Club® > The Book Club

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

"When Good People Have Affairs"

SadProfessor posted 12/2/2019 02:16 AM

My WS told me she had started reading this and that she really related to the WS confusion described in the first chapter. I've been reading different books, but thought I'd check this out for a different perspective.

No one should read this book.

I should have realized something was amiss when the author suggested that the WS never tell their primary partner about the affair, if they can. Her justification? It will cause too much unnecessary pain.

The rest of the book is focused on guiding the WS through identifying why they cheated and how to decide which "relationship" they should chose. It is full of absolutes, not grounded in any real research on affairs and their effects, and full of poor logic statements like "it should be obvious that..." or "the only conclusion you can come to is..."

The book is full of victim blaming and excuses/justifications for infidelity. It was truly triggering for me.

There is little acknowledgement of wrong on the part of the WS and no focus on the relationship dynamics. It is all about the WS. When reading it, I couldn't help but think this book will fuel the narcissism and entitlement cheaters have.

There is much more wrong with this book, but you can get a good sense of those from reading the one star reviews on Amazon.

Anyone have any other suggestions for a good book for the WS. Something directed at dealing with confusion, guilt, hurt, the fog, etc.?

nekonamida posted 12/2/2019 17:29 PM

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a must read. Be prepared for your WS to dismiss it though if she thought that crap was good and insightful.

DebraVation posted 12/3/2019 04:58 AM

Wow, that book sounds truly dreadful. As if WSs need something to condone and excuse what they did, they're good enough at that already, hence why she 'relates to it'. Anything to tell them it's no big deal eh?

'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass is a good one for identifying where appropriate boundaries should be to avoid the 'slippery slope' of an affair starting. It can be quite trigger for recent BSs though but is a good read for WSs that don't quite get how to handle work colleagues etc safely.

Avoid anything by Esther Perel, she is another affair-apologist.

If she insists on reading that crap (and telling you about how she relates to it ) maybe buy her a book like "When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

Chili posted 12/3/2019 10:11 AM

"When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

Can I contribute a chapter?

I was also wondering if there's a companion book to the "When Good People.." book called: "When Bad People Have Affairs." Wonder if it would be exactly the same.

I browsed like two chapters of that thing and just couldn't. I have decided I'm too old to read bad books. It's ok to start and then be a quitter. That whole crap about WS getting to sit back and "decide which relationship they should choose" just makes me

Delusional to the nth.

(Shirley Glass is a quick and straightforward read for sure. For me, it read like a checklist of everything assclown was *not* doing).

Hang in there SadProfessor - there are some good books out there on infidelity for sure.

3kids30years posted 12/4/2019 13:58 PM

Worst. Infidelity. Book. Ever.

Tossed it after a chapter. WH will not being using that crap to "find" himself.

edited to add -

Just Friends - WAY BETTER!!!

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 1:59 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

cptprkchp posted 12/7/2019 09:23 AM

Good people donít have affairs. I know. I was the WS. Gaslighting 101 should be the real title!

taken4granted posted 12/9/2019 17:30 PM

That is a truly horrible book. I read it. I was disgusted by it. I also read a book about the new reality of marriage and how open marriages are now the norm. I threw up in my mouth reading that one. I like Living and Loving after Betrayal.

Thumos posted 12/17/2019 16:49 PM

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" is a must read. Be prepared for your WS to dismiss it though if she thought that crap was good and insightful.

My WW told me How to Help was "heavy-handed" and "guilt-tripping" her the first time she read it. She held to that as recently as six months ago. I don't know if her opinion has changed or she's just afraid I have 1.5 feet out the door so she's just telling me what I want to hear.

hikingout posted 12/18/2019 11:09 AM

Honestly, beyond Just friends and how to help your spouse heal, there aren't any books I would recommend about affairs for waywards. I tried to read some but they smacked of the same kinds of things you are talking about.

For me, identifying what I needed to work on and finding self help books aligned with those things was much more effective. Conflict avoidance, becoming more vulnerable, boundaries, etc. As for getting really good specific advice about what a BS needs, and specifically what mine needed at different junctures, I got that here. I don't think there could have been anything that was better education in that regard.

I think the best thing a wayward can do is discover who they are, why they are the way they are and what they can do about it. A lot of times people say forget foo, forget this and that...but those are the things that built a person who cheats. That isn't specifically why they chose to cheat, but the work should really be about them and being a better person. If they do that, they will be a better spouse.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:11 AM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 12/18/2019 18:56 PM

Isn't that Mira Kirshenbaum (or something like that)?

Based on recommendations read on SI, I borrowed three of her books from my library. They were ALL shit. I think her husband had an EA (maybe a PA, but I'm pretty sure EA). The books were basically all about how she contributed to it. I still find it shocking that a therapist who is a BS is also a wayward apologist.

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2019 12:08 PM

buy her a book like "When Good People Divorce Your Ass". I don't think that actually exists, I might write it.

OMG coffee meet keyboard!

Return to Forum List

Return to The Book Club

© 2002-2020 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy