SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After five years of talking about me and why my A happened, I realize that i've done nothing to help my wife heal. For me the A is over. It was a huge mistake. I am not that kind of person anymore (thanks to my wife). I don't know what to do. I try to put myself in her shoes, but it's not working. I can't feel her every day pain. I just don't get it.

P.S. It's ok to rip me a new A-hole

First, no stop sign, so if you don't want responses from BS (betrayed spouses), you can ask for a mod and they will add it

Second, you have not shared anything about your story, so it's kind of hard to comment. But, you do say this:

I can't feel her every day pain

After five years and with no backstory, I'm not sure if it would help, but there are some podcasts that I felt really described the trauma I experienced as a BW. There are tons of resources out there about this, but these podcasts are pretty spot-on. These are SI- approved links:

http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/

http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-22-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker-part-2/

The host, Duane Osterlind and the guest, Marnie Breecker, specialize in sex addiction, but these episodes are about relational betrayal trauma, and apply to any spouse betrayed by any infidelity. It may be a start. This year these two started their own podcast, which I'm sure you can find from an online search.

Again, having some backstory might allow for some more specific comments.

Have you gone to IC (individual counseling)? Has your BW? What about MC (Marriage counseling)?

S4E,

Sorry it’s been such a long struggle for you. There’s a LOT of gaps to understand based on what you’re writing here. What has it looked like over the past 5 years? How is your BS’s recovery? Have you (or BS) been doing IC (or MC)?

What is the change that you are looking for? What has changed in the situation that brings you here now?

I find a lot of early posters eager to get shot down- Asking for BRUTAL honesty. And then they hear it the truth they asked for.

And then they push back.

Be prepared, and my suggestion is to take any subsequent posts and read them. Read them again. And then take all the things that you think “don’t apply” or “are personal attacks” and do nothing about those perceptions. If you continue here what you’ll subsequently discover is that we as cheaters come from a common set of emotional errors/issues. And you’ll recognize those moving forward. But stick with it, and keep coming back.

Your BS has invested A LOT of time working towards R, it appears, so if this is worth doing it’s worth doing here with open ears and a new perspective. I’m hoping (as always) that this brings about the change in you that you need.

Is she in pain ? Ask her about her pain in great detail then discuss it.

Are you a good husband ? Do you make dinner? Clean the house? Do the lion's share of the chores around the house ?

Do you take her on dates ? out to dinner ? out to movies ?

Do you spend time listening about her day ?

Do you spend time talking about her extended family ?

Do you give her massages ? Cuddle with her? Give her sex when she wants it ? Show her your affection and desire by initiating touching and sex ?

If you do all of the above you will be a great spouse. Get to work.

Two things. The affair was not a mistake. It was a choice. Depending on the length of the affair, it was several hundred, or several thousand choices. A mistake is grabbing skim milk, when you meant to grab 2%.

And you should not be a better man because of your wife. You should be a better man because you've done the work to change,and become a safe person.

What work have you done on yourself?

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

I think more detail is needed. What’s going on with your BW that makes you post this?

I think somebody who is truly remorseful and does all the work to permanently pull their head out of their ass does help with the healing. What specifically have you done?

Hi there Sorry4Everything,

After this long you should have begun to figure out and have taken steps to change the core character issues that underpinned your choice to betray your wife. This statement

I am not that kind of person anymore (thanks to my wife).

is a bit of a red flag for me. Could you talk a little bit about why you were that kind of person and how you went from being that kind of person to not that kind of person?

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I will post my complete story in the near future. I'm new to SI and didn't know about the stop sign. I will post all the details very soon. Thank you

The pain she feels,

Stick your hand in a freezer until it is really cold. Remove it then hit your thumb with a hammer. She shock is instant however the throbbing lasts for hours. Change the hand to her heart and multiply it X1000. Now do you get it?

She has to feel safe. She will have good times then she will trigger with a comment, song, sound or even smell. Then her heart gets hit with the hammer. Then the burning confusion of helplessness

Make her feel safe, tell her every day with her is a life of betterment. Get to know her really know her and her triggers then apologise when you see on come on. Even if it is in public and words cannot be spoken, a gentle shoulder squeeze and a look of sorrow. Words later.

That is what she needs please don’t say I can’t relate

Luv her and support her she is worth it!

B4

I try to put myself in her shoes, but it's not working. I can't feel her every day pain. I just don't get it.

From what you say, you feel no empathy for the pain you've caused your BS. From what I've read, a lack of empathy means something's broken inside of you. I would search for answers about why people lack empathy and what kind of personalities lack empathy. You may be able to understand why you feel empty when it comes to understanding her pain.

I’m glad that you realized your mistake early enough to fix things right.. keep trying, good things don’t come back easily.

Sorry I took so long to post. My story starts during the 70's. Disco, Hot Rods and DA's. I was a very vain person obsessed with my image.

I married a wonderful girl who was and still is a natural beauty. I maintained my glory and power by becoming a cop and retired after 25 years of service (Hating every minute of it). Because of family pressure, peer pressure and wanting to get married and start a family I took the job I hated. I retired at the age of 52 when I was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer.

My wife and I had 4 beautiful children. 3 are educated and successful. At the age of 2 my 4th child was diagnosed with a brain tumor and died in 2011. I felt tremendous guilt about her death. While my wife was taking care of her 24/7, for 14 years, I became a workaholic and after the towers fell I had plenty of overtime. The money was great but I was physically and mentally depleted.

I retired, took a year off and returned to the workforce in 2010. That is where I met the affair partner. It is also when I realized for the first time in my life that my "Glory Days Were Over". I was getting old. The affair partner was in a similar situation. She was late 50's, teased bleach blond hair, 3" fingernails and heavy makeup. A true "Bar Fly Bimbo" (upstairs was completely empty). In the beginning she constantly complimented my looks calling me 'eye candy'. I ate it up, hook, line and sinker. I would walk into work feeling like a young stud. I resisted at first but after a year of flirting I had sex with her. It was not good. The first time I remember thinking, I just flushed 25 years of marriage down the drain. I always felt the guilt from day 1. But it didn't stop me. I crossed the line and now it was time to self destruct. We had sex on & off for the next 3 years. Believe me when I say the sex sucked. It was so bad I developed ED for the first time in my life. The affair partner was frigid. It was not about emotions, it was about numbers. She kept a mental score card. It was always about the number of times we did it for her. But this fool kept going back for more ego kibbles.

All this time while I was living this double life my wife was getting 3 children off to college, taking care of me and our home and picking out a tombstone for our daughter's grave. I never mourned the death of my daughter. I believe the affair robbed me of that.

Sex with my wife was always fantastic. I love her and I'm in love with her. I'm just an asshole with low self esteem. I'm selfish and basically a coward. I could of just said NO. I failed to protect my wife and marriage. This is who I was.

One day my wife asked me if I was having an affair. Initially I said no (the coward in me) then 10 minutes later I admitted to it. For me it was an overwhelming relief. For her it was complete devastation. I felt good, the affair was finally over. She was heart broken, it was just the beginning.

I did everything, rug sweeping, minimizing, down playing and lying. I did it all. It took 3 years to get it all out.

Since the affair ended I have not spoken a word to the AP. The day after D day I walked up to her and said "It's over and tell your husband". I see her everyday at work and completely ignore her. She was and is nothing to me. I will never give her closure. Unfortunately, I had a few dealings with her husband but that has passed. BUT (I still look over my shoulder).

My wife is in emotional pain. This is why I joined the group. This is why I'm asking for advice. I have little or no empathy for her and I don't know why. I can never forgive what I've done to her and our marriage.

Again it's all about me...........

It was a huge mistake.

It wasn't a mistake. It was a choice. Maybe your BW doesn't feel safe with you because of the choices you make that you think of as "mistakes." She's probably wondering what other "mistakes" you've made that she doesn't know about.

It's possible you're just a natural and incurable asshole, but if that's who you are, there's nothing anyone here can do to help you. So let's assume for the moment that that isn't true, and go a little deeper.

When most BS, and even some WS, hear us start talking to new arrivals about their "whys," it can look like we're encouraging you to make excuses. We're not. If you are a person who continually uses cheap validation to self-soothe while hating the damage it does to valuable people in your life, then that validation is a powerful addiction for you. Yes, you could just be a narcissist, but narcissists are not typically disturbed by their own behavior. We don't see them here much unless someone drags them in.

What we do see, a lot, is people who are scared to take a hard look at their own vulnerabilities. They either deny that their formative traumas exist, or think they should be over them, stronger than them, fully in charge. Their poor choices are their own, but the elemental poor choice, the one that drives all the others, is drugging the pain with empty vanity rather than confronting it.

If you're looking at the wife you love and feel unable to connect to her pain, and you're unable to grieve the loss of a child you adored, then something is very seriously wrong, and you need to get your ass into individual counseling to fix it. Hopefully, with a police pension, there are good resources available to you. I suspect that there are going to be many layers to this for you, not a single "Eureka" moment. A person who can't cope with grief and pain, in a career where he saw so much of it, is going to have a massive amount of backlogged processing to do.

If you are at the point where you feel dead inside but still know intellectually that you want to help your wife in her healing, that's how you do it. If you can't be bothered, then you cannot help her. That would be a sad, sad outcome, and an avoidable one. It's your choice.

S4E,

This starts to address things, but all we see from this side is the things you have stated. Yes your narrative is illuminating a bit- But If DDay was 3 years ago, have you all done ANYthing? And if no to that question, that will be the first of several “whys” you need to uncover, and I will open the volleys of telling you that you need IC.

A concrete 1st step in conjunction with starting IC is changing jobs. I doubt your BW is happy about you still working in the same place. Medically retired from police force, and military pension, yes? All to say you could suck it up for a minute while looking around. Because between the admitted vanity and now downplaying AP, an easily phrased alternative to yours is that you enjoy being around her and knowing that she still wants you. (Not saying that’s true, I’m saying it’s plausible though.)

Yes, the calling things accidents and incidents beyond your control is a clear indicator of your lack of accountability at present. Most drastically in making the statement that the A didn’t let you mourn your daughter. You need to get beneath the surface and understand that YOUR CHOICE did that. It never became a magical beast that took on its own life. You made choices every day to let this continue. I’m glad you at least started by being honest, but as you see you have many more steps to take.

Get to IC. Read “Helping your Spouse Heal” and “Not Just Friends.” Read them DELIBERATELY.

I’d say most importantly, sit down with your wife (or take a walk) and explain you’re here. Explain that you recognize you’re failing and want to help- Find out if you’re doing anything RIGHT. Don’t continue to focus on you- You’re wallowing in your guilt right now, and need to get out of your own head if you’re going to become a safe partner.

She’s still here. Every day is an opportunity. Get out there and work(!)

You have to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with anyone else - especially her.

First thing - I am truly sorry for your loss.

Your story, however, sounds so eerily familiar. Oversimplified - life got hard. Adulting is hard. Routine wasn't exciting. Time was never enough.

We ALL have that. We ALL have tragedy [degrees vary from person to person. Life IS hard [most of would rather do a lot of things that work just to pay bills that inflate faster than salaries]. Most of us are not excited with our routine [who here says "yippee - it's laundry day" or "Woo Hoo the litter boxes need emptying" or "wow I'm looking so forward to emptying the dishwasher" We all juggle the days [more often than not] that we have to fit in more things that time allow for [grocery shopping, Dr apts, kids activities, dinner, cleaning, pet accidents, vehicle maintenance, some appliance or another breaking, home repair/leaks, homework that involves us to remember a foreign language or mathematical formula we forgot shortly after we learned it, and only to realize when we got out of the shower there isn't a dry towel on the hook].

And you know, many of us manage to deal with it all without unhealthy coping mechanisms.

You say your love your wife and you are an asshole with low self esteem [your words]. But really - that's just a cop out. And deep down I think you know it.

IDGAF if your AP was the stereotypical Bar Fly Bimbo or Pamela Anderson. She shouldn't have existed for you to begin with. Honestly - attempts to downplay the sex or her appearance or any other sordid detail is sadly and stereo typically pathetic.

You say you can't feel her pain. I think you could but don't want to. Because you can't handle it and that humiliates you. What you are doing is running away from the screams of a drowning person so you don't have hear them suffer. Because you are the one that pushed them in there in the first place. And you don't want to get wet yourself pulling them out.

Your BW is still with you. Please S4E. Please. Pull your head out of your backside. Start getting in touch with your whys. NOT the surface ones. The real ones. The ones that reside in a place so dark you don't want to go. The ones that would have you admitting to being a selfish asshole rather than actually deal with. The ones that have you downplay reality so that you don't have to see it for what it is. Those.

I wish you the best. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it.

Bs here! Imagine her dieing if you love her ,over and over everyday of your life and reliving that pain. Now add your children and parents to that. Imagine that pain never leaving you and you reliving it everyday for the rest of your life. Imagine seeing your wife in bed with a man constantly having sex and the triggers and it be so vivid now imagine dreaming that at night over and over not having any control of these things. Now you might get a little Understanding of not having any control of who you are or when your going to feel like a human. Can you imagine losing your penis and never being able to have sex with your wife feeling like you’ve lost your manhood. can you imagine a women telling you you have a wee wee and it don’t satisfy her. That’s just a little bit of what an affair can do to men and women it take every ounce of self worth you have plus more. There an article on here that you need to read. Ws Ws it was put on by hufi puffi.

Bs here! Imagine her dieing if you love her ,over and over everyday of your life and reliving that pain. Now add your children and parents to that. Imagine that pain never leaving you and you reliving it everyday for the rest of your life. Imagine seeing your wife in bed with a man constantly having sex and the triggers and it be so vivid now imagine dreaming that at night over and over not having any control of these things. Now you might get a little Understanding of not having any control of who you are or when your going to feel like a human. Can you imagine losing your penis and never being able to have sex with your wife feeling like you’ve lost your manhood. can you imagine a women telling you you have a wee wee and it don’t satisfy her. That’s just a little bit of what an affair can do to men and women it take every ounce of self worth you have plus more. There an article on here that you need to read. Ws Ws it was put on by hufi puffi.

Are you a good husband ? Do you make dinner? Clean the house? Do the lion's share of the chores around the house ?

Do you take her on dates ? out to dinner ? out to movies ?

Do you spend time listening about her day ?

Do you spend time talking about her extended family ?

Do you give her massages ? Cuddle with her? Give her sex when she wants it ? Show her your affection and desire by initiating touching and sex ?

If you do all of the above you will be a great spouse. Get to work.

I do all of that. One problem, I did it all before, during and after the affair.

[This message edited by Sorry4Everything at 3:22 AM, December 10th (Tuesday)]