"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ItsNotFair posted 6/29/2019 01:28 AM

I know this isn’t a reason to stay or go, and sounds pretty pathetic, but I’m a young mother with 3 kids. If I can’t reconcile, am I going to be alone for the next 10+ years? Who really wants to be with someone who already has 3 kids? I thought he was going to be my forever, but now I’m not sure what the future looks like. I’m just so hurt. And lately it feels like I’ll never look at him the same, and I don’t know if I want to live a life permanently tainted by his betrayal. But I can’t imagine ever “casually dating”, and I definitely don’t want to settle. So all I can think is I’m destined to be alone until my kids are grown up. I really hope this doesn’t come off as if I get divorced I’m looking for a new guy right away, because that’s the least of my priorities currently, but I know one day I’d hope to find someone.

Tren0R201 posted 6/29/2019 01:55 AM

Who really wants to be with someone who already has 3 kids?

If you're strong, proud, confident in yourself then the above statement is not even a goer.

You're not looking for someone who will accept/want you. You aren't even looking for anyone. You're raising 3 kids and you are living your life to the full. If you meet people, weed out the assh*les and time wasters and meet genuine people then it will not be an issue.

Start making investments in yourself and you will not allow people to make withdrawals in lack of morality or decency or respect.

ktez posted 6/29/2019 02:07 AM

I know many, many women who had 3 or more kids over the years who have divorced and remarried! That's the fear telling you that no one will want you. My own mum said something along those lines on D day and that I should attempt R for that reason. She's a complete Co dependent with my step dad. It's bullshit

WhoTheBleep posted 6/29/2019 07:47 AM

After DDay, while very drunk, and then again after I left him, STBX said no man would ever want a middle aged woman with 3 young kids. STBX is a disgusting disordered pig. I didn't even care if it was true or not. I just knew I had to get away from him.

I'm sure there are men in a different stage of their life that don't want to incorporate young children, and that is fair. However, there are men for whom children are a non-issue. I happened to meet one of those. He had his children very young, and he is 7 years older than me. He even has three grandchildren. I had my children later in life, and they are still home with me. He has never even mentioned it. It is a non-issue for him. We see each other when my children are with their father. I have not yet introduced them to him. That likely won't happen for some time.

As Tren said, focus on building a life for yourself, without a man. Get out and do things. Raise and love your children. The energy you put out to the universe will change. You will begin to attract the right people for your life. That is how it worked for me. After leaving WH, I didn't so much as go on a date for 17 months. Healing takes time. Getting your confidence back takes time. You do not want to consider dating before that. The wrong men will smell it coming out of your pores and take advantage. Get strong, then get out there.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 7:49 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

tl502 posted 6/29/2019 07:48 AM

I work with mostly women, always have. Therefore, I have known a lot of women in my life.
I can truly say that I have never known a woman that truly wanted to marry that spent her life alone and unmarried. More often, they settled for a man that wasn’t good for them and their children.
The most important thing to think about if you decide to divorce will be: Is this new man good enough to be around me and my children.
I remember thinking the same thing after dd. I was 50 yo and my self esteem was super low. But it just isn’t reality.

Hephaestus2 posted 6/29/2019 07:50 AM

>>>>Who really wants to be with someone who already has 3 kids? <<<<

>>>>If you're strong, proud, confident in yourself then the above statement is not even a goer. .... I know many, many women who had 3 or more kids over the years who have divorced and remarried!<<<

This is terrible advice.

It has nothing to do with being "strong, proud, confident in yourself". There is nothing wrong with self-confidence but by itself it won't solve the problems of parenting.

People who divorce often agonize over the decision for many good reasons. Young women with three children have very good reasons to carefully weigh the pros and cons of divorce.

Obviously there are the children to consider. All other things being equal, they are far better off with a father than without one. They are also much better off with their biological father than with a step father. Will the children be better off in a family infested by infidelity? Simplistic answers to that question are rightly ignored.

There is also the mother (in this case ItsNotFair) to consider. ItsNotFair is quite right to wonder how difficult it will be to find another husband when she already has three children. A divorced woman with three children is not on an equal footing with a single woman with no kids. Obviously there are examples of divorced women with three (or more) children who have remarried. However it would be unrealistic to expect that there is a large pool of single men who are looking to marry into an instant family.

After divorce, women's standard of living typically falls further than men's standard of living. A divorced woman with three children who is independently wealthy will find life a little easier. However most divorced women will need to work. Being a single parent and working full time is not easy. It is a strain on everyone including the mother and the children. Single moms with young children don't get a lot of sleep. Lots of children may survive (or even thrive) being raised in single parent households but that doesn't make it a good idea.

ItsNotFair - you have every reason to wonder what life might be like after divorce. You have every reason to consider the difficulties of finding another partner as a divorced single mother. You have every reason to be cautious about the consequences for yourself and your children.

cancuncrushed posted 6/29/2019 08:09 AM

I had this same conversation with a friend...she missed the point.she told me to not to be looking for a man right away....it was never my point.... I am 60... I was wondering about my future.

Rejection is very lonely....it does leave the feeling of never finding love again...there can be at least a small element of not being good enough...this is all normal...and sad...

I see your story, and I say....if you don't find a man who accepts your children, who are a large part of who you are....then hes the wrong man....run

Do you think you will ever go on a date? IF you have shared custody, yes...you are still fairly young...you have lots of years left...you have the opportunity ..

IF you don't have shared custody, make time...hire a sitter...maybe another girlfriend can share a sitter....and you two enjoy a night out...so you can meet others...unfortunately they do not just come to your door and find you...

HOw do I feel about me? I feel too old... I have aged well. but...I feel men prefer younger women....I am not convinced, I will have a single date. I cant change my situation...XWH many A's were with much younger women.

I talked to an older male preacher recently.(here in the deep south, we repaired a fence together ) ...he told me I would probably meet at least 10 men, and 9 would be bad...his honest opinion...dating is hard... I think the real question is....will you find someone worthy of you and your children.. You are fine...your children are great and fine....and someone would be lucky....you are in charge.

EVen if your children are grown, like mine, are they worthy of being part of your family? you will always have children...then grandchildren.. If relationships were reserved for people without children.....there wouldn't be very many relationships....

If you choose to wait until your children are grown, then you will decide later, if someone is worthy of you....EVen if you go thru many dates, and relationships.....you are doing the pickin

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 8:46 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

ibonnie posted 6/29/2019 08:35 AM

If I can’t reconcile, am I going to be alone for the next 10+ years? Who really wants to be with someone who already has 3 kids?

BW (me): 27 WH: 29

Is being alone worse than being with someone you can't trust or count on? Who might get another woman pregnant or infect you with herpes or hepatitis or chlamydia?

And you're only 27! If you spend the next 10 years focusing on being the best mom you can be, working on healing yourself from infidelity (because whether you choose to R or D, you still need to heal from this trauma), and just building a happy life on your own, then you're only going to be 37! I know lots of women that are just getting married and starting to have babies at that age, or even older. Most of my son's friend's parents didn't start having kids until their early 40s.

Yes, it's scary, but regardless of the outcome, you need to get to a place where you know you'll be okay on your own. Are you in IC? Can you discuss this fear with your therapist? And if you do choose to stay, then you should be working hard to have a plan B in place in case you decide you can't anymore, or if your WH leaves you -- a bank account or money put aside somewhere he can't touch, copies of all important financial documents, a job that could support your four...

And lastly, google single moms + housework or chores. On average, single moms spend less time doing chores than married moms, and have more time for leisure. You'll have one less person to be cleaning up after, and if your WH takes the kids once a week or every other weekend or whatever, then you have that time to focus on you.

Justsomeguy posted 6/29/2019 09:08 AM

Hi everyone. About to be divorced single dad here. I am in my 50's and have no issue with women my age with kids. I have a couple myself you know. In fact, I dated a wonderful woman with two amazing boys for about 6 months. I want to br with someone my own age. It is about a shared culture. Having something to talk about. But I am learning to be ok with being alone. I need to get to a stage where I am ok being alone for the rest of my life. Thst way, if and when I do find someone, I wont need them to complete me. I'll already be complete. Broken attracts broken as they say.

secondtime posted 6/29/2019 09:20 AM

I get it. I felt the same way after DDay1.

I only had two kids at that point, but I also have PCOS. Which meant if I did remarry, procreating would be that much more work.

However, I did reflect on why my marriage falling apart didn't *hit* me more. It's because I was getting my emotional needs met elsewhere...hobbies, work, friends. So it wasn't really until DDay when I realized just how bad our marriage really was, on account of DH's SA.

It's also the reason why recovery after DDay2 is going much worse. Work is now a stressor..doesn't really fill a need. I'm also cut off from most hobbies and hanging out with people, because I have four kids and we need to prioritize differently.

It makes a huge difference.

EmbraceTheChange posted 6/29/2019 09:22 AM

Hi It'sNotFair,

I'm in the same situation as you. My kids are now 11, 8 and 7 (dday the youngest was 1 - XH had started cheating with OW just before I gave birth )

Anyway, I was thinking the same as you at one point, when it became obvious that XH had no desire to be a dad to his own kids.

However, realistically, I am not alone. I am the mom of 3 kids. These kids need to be looked after and I am the one who can give them a good childhood. I am not alone as such, I just don't have an adult with me.

Also, after I did some digging related to my XH affair, like finding the amount of texts they did and the little romantic trips out of the office together, bla bla bla.... what was horrific was how much time he spend away from the kids to give his full attention on OW (for example deciding to not attend parent teacher meetings so he would be with her, texting her when he was putting the kids to bed etc).

So I started thinking that if I wanted to find a new dude, I would be the one doing all this shit. The end results would be (for my kids) not seeing me and for me, not seeing them. So they would lose out again. And plus, I find flirting pretty shallow (only my opinion of course). After reading my XH texts to OW and the constant complimenting about anything (I'm surprised they didn't compliment each other after one did a dump), finding out what the other one likes and dislikes, ego trips etc... Who has time for this, when I can be by the pool seeing my kids do back-flips and eating ice creams/ torturing the kids with doing maths exercises so they still know how to count when they go back to school/ hearing about Fortnite.

Also, and this is huge for me, my 7 yrs old is a daughter, and I wouldn't even want a guy (not related to her) living home. The possible risk of having a guy possibly abusing my daughter is not worth it for me.

So I decided that I will be single for 10 years, until the kids are grown and/or they don't need me as much. I will be 55 when S is 17. Works for me. I can do whatever I want, I can just be me, I 'm trying to set up a sewing business so I'm busy anyway. Having to primp myself and be all nice and having to look fantastic for a new guy seems just a lot of work. For the moment my life is telling the kids not to kill eaxh other over the Xbox/ putting their swimming costume if they want to go in the pool/pick the towels up from the floor. Right now I can get up with my hair messy and the kids just laugh.
It's just going to be me and the kids. Easy. No interloper/time drainer in my family. It would piss me off too much.

Adaira posted 6/29/2019 09:36 AM

I remember having the same fears leading up to my divorce. Who will want me? Who wants to date a woman with kids? What will my life look like going forward? How will I handle being a single mom? I just kept thinking “THIS WAS NOT WHAT I SIGNED UP FOR!”

But I took a leap because in the end, regardless of the fear, I couldn’t stay married to an abuser. I wanted my kids to grow up with an intact family and their dad at home - don’t we all? - but not if it came at the cost of them witnessing their father cheating on their mother, screaming at her, blaming her for his infidelities. That’s not healthy for them.

And you know what? My fears were largely unfounded. Financially, I’m doing great (I can’t figure out what my exWH was spending all our money on). The kids are happy. I had no shortage of dates when I got back out there. And currently I’m seeing a wonderful, kind, caring man who has kids of his own.

But even if all of that hadn’t happened, I’d still rather be a single mother, alone, than married to an unremorseful cheater.

WhoTheBleep posted 6/29/2019 10:13 AM

A divorced woman with three children is not on an equal footing with a single woman with no kids. Obviously there are examples of divorced women with three (or more) children who have remarried. However it would be unrealistic to expect that there is a large pool of single men who are looking to marry into an instant family

.

I'm no expert, as I've only dated 2 men since separating. That said, for the first man (beach dad), dating a woman with children was a MUST. He had young children and wanted that shared knowledge and experience. He also had a vasectomy and did NOT want any more kids. A single woman with no children generally eventually wants kids, and that ended a relationship for him, as neither of them would budge.

For the man I'm dating now, he also had a vasectomy a long time ago. The last woman he dated with no children eventually wanted them, and that also became a deal breaker for them.

ItsNotFair, for many men, your kids will be insurance that you won't insist on making babies with THEM. Your biological clock has already been satisfied. It takes the pressure off of them. There are different perspectives.

I’d still rather be a single mother, alone, than married to an unremorseful cheater

^^^So. Much. This.

Unhinged posted 6/29/2019 10:40 AM

ItsNotFair, your doubts and fears are quite normal and certainly reason enough to give you pause. There's no need to make such a life-changing decision any time soon. What's important to keep in mind, I believe, is that you have to make the best choice for you. Children need at least one healthy, stable and happy parent.

If I can’t reconcile...

Some WS are willing and able to do the work that reconciliation requires. Your WH might be one of them, but then again, he might not. The only way to find out is to find out, you know?

In the meantime, preparing yourself for a possible divorce is never a bad idea. See a lawyer, even if only to educate yourself regarding your legal rights.

Whichever path you end up taking, it's going to be scary. But you know, we can only have courage when we're afraid.

CaliforniaNative posted 6/29/2019 10:59 AM

Obviously there are the children to consider. All other things being equal, they are far better off with a father than without one. They are also much better off with their biological father than with a step father. Will the children be better off in a family infested by infidelity? Simplistic answers to that question are rightly ignored.

I disagree with this. I do not think children are better off in a home infested with infidelity just to be with their biological father (if that’s what you’re implying). The drama, the fighting, tension, sadness, secrecy, putting kids in the middle, lies, deceit.... I mean come on. My son, who is 12, saw his mother have the strength and courage to leave behind all of this, to find a better life for us. So many positive things have happened since I left, I have a great job (promotion), wonderful life long friends, and meeting/dating wonderful men. My son is happy and loved. My future partner will not replace his dad nor am I looking for that. He still has his biological father. I want to show my son what a loving, supportive, honest and loyal relationship really looks like. I hope he sees the advantages and will emulate that with his future wife.

[This message edited by CaliforniaNative at 11:06 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

freedomfromabuse posted 6/29/2019 11:05 AM

I think it's more important to ask, "Is staying going to role model healthy behaviour to my children?" "Is cheating acceptable behaviour to me in a relationship?" "What is the cost I'll pay to stay?"

Of course you don't want to hurt your children. However, your cheater did not consider that when they behaved the way they did. Now, you get to decide how you want to go forward and what messages you want to tell your children.

Of course see a lawyer around financial support and shore up your emotional self by seeing a doctor or therapist. But if you make a decision based on fear, you will likely come to regret it. Make a decision based on facts.

Staying with a cheater can be a hell-hole of loneliness. The decision to stay is yours to make but let me suggest that being alone can be a much better, healthier decision than staying with a cheater. And being in a relationship is over-valued in society. Be healthy and wise, be productive, role model healthy behaviour to children, pick kind people to be in your life, protect yourself - those are the things I'd suggest you focus on rather if you'll be lonely. I can't imagine there would be a greater loneliness than staying with a cheater.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/29/2019 11:07 AM

What happened to me was I rugswept his bad behaviors to keep our family intact. But then, HE left us. I could have had him back (kids were 11&13), but he wouldn’t get IC, and we couldn’t go thru this again. I D him.

So, will you meet someone else? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Will your WS continue to treat you poorly in front of your children? Yes, unless he gets lots on IC, most likely.

But yeah, there are guys out there who are ok with a woman having children already.

I chose to get my children raised first, they are in college, so now I’m more open to meeting a guy.

J707 posted 6/29/2019 11:09 AM

I'm an almost divorced father of 2. When I do start dating I would like to think I'll meet someone who already has kids. At my age 37 with a 17 and 11 year old it actually is kind of a deal breaker. I can't have kids anymore (vasectomy) so being with someone who already has kids and doesn't want any might be for me.

You are very young with a long life to live. There are plenty of good, honest men out there in the world that will step up and want to be with a woman with 3 kids. Don't let fear tell you otherwise, fear is a liar.

ItsNotFair posted 6/29/2019 16:47 PM

So my WS is really trying to figure out what’s wrong with him through counseling, and I think has been putting in the work and seems to understand how hurt I am. In a weird way I almost feel sorry for him, because I think he has low self esteem and has ruined his own life, and I see that weighing on him constantly. But I just don’t know if I can move on from this. He’s also a great dad and has always been close with our children. If we weren’t together I have no doubts he would still be very much in their lives. But for example tonight we’re going out on a double date, and I’m just dreading it. I hate going anywhere with him, and I have no idea how many people really know what’s happened, but In my mind I’m just the fool who is married to this cheater and it’s embarrassing and I’m just disgusted with him. And lately I’m thinking why should I have to feel all this shame being married to someone? If we divorced, I wouldn’t be needing a man to step in and be a father to my kids, but I just know it’s a lot to come into still.

[This message edited by ItsNotFair at 4:50 PM, June 29th (Saturday)]

Hawke posted 6/29/2019 17:07 PM

There is a thread in the Divorce/Separation forum called Fear vs. Reality. You might want to check it out.

Yes, it is possible to find someone after divorce. It's very hard to see that potential reality when you are in limbo trying to do the right thing for you and your kids.

My d-day was a few months before my daughter's first birthday. My kids were 4 and 1 when we separated. I had a lot of fears at that time. When I was freshly separated, I hoped that I would eventually find someone to rescue me and replace my ex. At that time, I just wanted my life to be put back together and an insta-family that looked just like the old one. It wasn't until I had put my own life back together and was handling separated life like a pro (OK, there were some hiccups, but I was managing), that I started dating someone and it wasn't to be rescued or replace my ex. It was to find someone I wanted to add to my already great life.

It takes a while, but you eventually find your feet, create a new normal life and then can consider adding someone else to it.