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Could infidelity be normal?

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AbandonedGuy posted 6/19/2019 20:54 PM

For anecdotal data two cents...

Exwife left out of "luuuurve" but underlying that was opportunity and a grab at perceived lifestyle upgrade, convenience, and prestige.

Close friend cheated solely for sex. Under that though I detected a sense of wanting to feel "appreciated" as he's a handsome guy with options and at home his wife doesn't pay him that kind of attention.

Acquaintances and coworkers have cheated due to chasing that "this is so baaad, and fun" reasons.

Exwifes enabler cheated with some orbiting male friend because he gave her attention she wasn't getting at home, mostly because her husband traveled for work a lot.

A common thread with cheaters I know is attention. Instead of finding it at home or COMMUNICATING, they slink away and chase it elsewhere.

Edit: so all prime candidates for the Attention Starved Spouses thread, I realize.

[This message edited by AbandonedGuy at 8:55 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Hurtbeyondtime posted 6/20/2019 00:34 AM

I am with ya Worndown...
So tired of the bull...
I will leave yíall with one thing.

For all of us here 1/2 have cheated or been cheated...
thatís 50% at least then we have the madhatters add another 12%... thatís 62% with just our little forum here..
I bet that a good representation of the world.

Itís a fucking travesty!!!

Justgetitoverwith posted 6/20/2019 02:50 AM

I have come to the conclusion that even atheists need to have some sort of belief system that there is a purpose to having morals, values, and consideration of others.

Indeed. Isn't it just called common decency? I'm an atheist. WH is a Christian... Pretty evident that religion doesn't make you a good person. (No offence intended to any, of any denomination.)

littleAvocet posted 6/20/2019 04:28 AM

Thereís no such thing as normal.

Normal is an illusion. What is normal for a spider is chaos for the fly.

There are things that become normalised in our culture. Slavery used to be normal. Women not having the vote used to be normal. FGM is normal in some countries. It doesnít make any of them right. Infidelity is normalised by various things in our culture, but that doesnít make it right.

Rideitout posted 6/20/2019 04:56 AM

Slavery used to be normal. Women not having the vote used to be normal. FGM is normal in some countries. It doesnít make any of them right.

Perfect examples. And there are still a lot of "normal" things in our culture that I find absolutely appalling (infidelity being very high on that list). Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's not awful. And just because it's awful doesn't mean that it's not a normal part of our culture (abortion, for example, is an absolutely awful thing if you think about "what are we doing here", but yes, it's also a "normal" thing in our culture).

Isn't it just called common decency? I'm an atheist. WH is a Christian

That's my situation too. And yes, I think that's exactly what it's called. My parents actually raised me atheist but sent me a religious school so I'd have an experience with it. I decided to be atheist as I grew up, but, that in no way removes the need for common decency. Honestly, the first and last thing that most people need to operate under (which would solve some HUGE fraction of the world's problems) is "do unto others". It doesn't take a 500 page book to explain it, just don't do things to other people that you wouldn't want them to do to you. Not that hard, right?

I have the double dose of it in my particular situation. WW is a Christian and AP was a "religious mentor" to her. Their messages to one another will filled with "God wants this" talk. If the discovery of the A almost knocked me out of my chair, well, reading that stuff, that completed the process. :(

Jimmy1962 posted 6/21/2019 09:58 AM

truthsetmefree

Do you regret having stayed faithful? I think itís fair to assume that you wish your WW had not cheated. I think itís also to fair to assume that had you been able to predict that outcome, you might have chosen differently in marrying her. Please correct me if I am wrong in those assumptions. So if those assumptions are indeed the case, has this experience really changed your values? Do you no longer desire monogamy as a basis of a marital relationship? Do you just now not believe it to be a realistic expectation/outcome? Who/what is guiding your own values? I totally get that you are questioning your values - so you may not really know those answers. But I sense this is what you are really questioning....and I would be SO interested in having that discussion. Iím not trying to guide you toward any certain outcome...Iím way more interested in joining you in exploring this process of questioning

I do not know anymore. I do not know who or what I am and why. Why do I not shoplift? Why do I not cheat people when I have a chance to? Why have I been faithful? POSOM does what he wants to when he wants to and afterwards he goes to church and says God has forgave him, then he does it again. He seems happy. My wife had no problem calling him to come and screw her. She was good with that. I feel like a stick in the mud. Why don't I just do stuff like that. Why? Am I afraid of something? Am I lazy?
I believed in fairytales and knights in shining armor and good guys on white horses. All bullshit. I now think you should just take what you want when you want it!

Rideitout posted 6/21/2019 10:25 AM

POSOM does what he wants to when he wants to and afterwards he goes to church and says God has forgave him, then he does it again. He seems happy.

Oh, you got one of those too? Maybe our WW's have the same OM, but, I doubt it. Seems a common theme. And who can argue with "God forgave me" (yes, he said that to me)?

I got the whole thing, "God put us together" (to my W) all the way to "God forgives my sins" (to me). People who believe that are just f**king dangerous. If you believe God speaks to you directly and forgives you for things, well, guess what? Everything becomes OK so long as you can get God to talk to you. It's truly terrifying that he believes this, at least to me. Oh yeah, and I guess God forgave the other affairs he had too before (and probably after) my WW.

Class act.

EEguy1412 posted 6/21/2019 11:19 AM

Same here: ďGod wanted us to be happy, and He sent me OM. I wouldnít do this if God didnít want this because I am a good person, really.Ē

I should have divorced her on grounds of bad logic alone.

I guess God decided that WWís happiness trumped mine, OBSí, plus that of 7 children in two families.

Rideitout posted 6/21/2019 11:35 AM

Same here: ďGod wanted us to be happy, and He sent me OM. I wouldnít do this if God didnít want this because I am a good person, really.Ē

No idiot. God was testing you, and you failed (if you want to make it biblical). Failed in the most spectacular way possible.

I should have divorced her on grounds of bad logic alone.

Sometimes I feel the same way. The lack of logic in the whole thing really does bother me because I never thought of my W as a stupid person. But man, does this call it into question. At least when it's all about getting a lay, the logic is sound. The lack of morality is, of course, still there, but it's not a complete failure of logical thinking. I'm not sure which is worse, a calculating asshole out to get what he/she wants or an idiot. I feel like all of us (BS's) have a spouse that falls into one of those two groups though. :(

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