SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Need some advice here! A woman who may or may not have been/is involved with my FWH, has been calling me off and on to see how I'm doing, calling me "girlfriend" each time. I know they became fairly close friends after being business contacts for years, and then her husband died. I found an email that she had sent him thanking for the rose shaped vase and rose over a year ago, supposedly hand delivered by him because she was sad about her husband's death 8 months before. It took me 3 weeks to dig out of him that she had become a close friend, behind my back, after he'd already had a 2 year affair with another OW. I was livid and finally ended up calling her and having a long talk during which she told me over and over she'd never have an affair as she is Christian and had been through an affair with a former man in the past. I believed her, and then she started calling me off and on. Why would she want to keep calling me? Now I have agreed to meet her, and am wondering what exactly to say, as I want to try to find out if there was/is an affair. She is his age, single, as needy as the last one was, and has all the same interests in life as him. Thanks for any insight!

This sounds very strange to me. Perhaps she's being honest and is looking for a friend, but...?

Do you want to talk with her? Meet her? If not, set your boundaries. If she keeps pushing your boundaries, you'll need to be firm.

I would definitely be cautious. She has answers you seek and while they might hurt you won't have to wonder anymore. Only if you believe her though. A face to face might be the "best" way to judge her sincerity.

I would just ask her. She likely is having trouble being alone so often. People do get lonely. It is just as likely that she needs someone to talk to every now and then.

I wouldn't accuse or anything, but asking the question.

"I am sorry to ask you this, but I've had suspicious about other friendships my husband has had in the past. I enjoy our talks, but I need to ask you this and I need an honest answer so I can put my mind at ease."

Be civil empathetic about the loss of her husband. You hopefully we see and hear enough to ease your mind and focus on other things.

I find this all very surprising, because if either I or my H had a secret friendship with anyone, we'd both be 100% NC with that person from the second it came to light. It sounds to me like she wants you to like her so that you'll let your guard down.

I'd take the meeting out of sheer curiosity, but at the end of it (assuming she sticks to the line that you have nothing to fear), I'd politely explain that your WH has a history of poor boundaries, and that you're sure she'll understand that the security of your marriage has to come ahead of any benefit that the three of you could gain from continuing the friendship. Your WH needs to back you up with an NC letter if she reaches out to him afterwards (which she presumably will).

Just the fact that you had to pry anything out of your WH makes any kind of contact between him and her untenable, IMO.

It's a shady situation. I have to wonder though if it's possible that your WH has been secretly pining for her and she hasn't exactly picked up on it and hasn't crossed any boundaries. Or she really is an OW who is now trying to keep tabs on you. It's really hard to say what is going on here.

Nope. Nope. And nope.

Bottom line - she was involved with an inappropriate relationship with your (f)WH. IDGAF what their rationale was - the fact that it was behind your back was inappropriate at best. If she was an innocent party in all of this - double shame on your (f)WH.

Hand delivered flowers - NOPE. You should have been well aware AND that card should have born both names.

That alone is enough reason enough to block her from you and (f)WH.

Hard and cruel? Perhaps. But...luck favors the prepared.

"I am sorry to ask you this, but I've had suspicious about other friendships my husband has had in the past. I enjoy our talks, but I need to ask you this and I need an honest answer so I can put my mind at ease."

Excellent advice. And far kinder than what is running through my mind [projection much Chaos?]

Your H definitely crossed a line. I agree that there should've been no hand delivery of the flower and that the card should've had your name on it with your knowledge.

It may all be innocent on her end. She may be trying to be friends with you to show that she has no designs on your H because of the concern you expressed to her. Maybe she didn't know that she was a secret from you.

Well she seemed to be the innocent one at the time but it’s weird how she keeps calling me. At one time before I called her I had blocked her number from his phone, and then unblocked it. When she called him with her concern about it he had her on speaker phone. His business did the odd contracting job for her company but at the time there was only a very small job that she would have had to contact him about. But when she called she sounded frantic and was telling him she must have been blocked and that he should bring his phone in for her to fix. It was almost like she was ordering him to do it. He didn’t of course and I expressed my concern to him about her reaction. The whole situation is very weird but I will see her tomorrow for lunch. It could be interesting.

She sounds crazy. If someone had me blocked (not sure if I'd even know lol) there is no way I'd call frantically asking them to bring their phone so I could fix it. Something is off. Be careful tomorrow.

This has a very weird feel to it. Go9d luck tomorrow

Ask her if she’s willing to take a polygraph asking if she had an inappropriate relationship with your husband, either emotional or physical.

Let her know you’re not interested in a relationship with her if she won’t.

How did it go?

Stay away from her.

Well, I got a call from her at 10:30 on the day of the meeting. She said, "My memory is not so good! Where were we supposed to meet?" I replied with the name of the restaurant and the time of 11:30 a.m. I then asked if we could make it a bit later, and she said yes, I could use a bit more time too, so let's meet at 12. I agreed, and was getting ready to go when she messaged me at 11:00 saying she was sorry but she was called away for a meeting at 1:00 and couldn't make it that day. She asked to meet Friday instead, but I replied that wouldn't work for me. She said okay, and nothing else. This woman has always been very verbal and extremely friendly during calls or messaging, yet the call and the messaging had subtle coldness to them. I had arranged for us to meet that day the week before, and my husband also planned to do a short trip out of town for 3 or 4 hours that day, from 10 until 2 or 3 p.m. He told me of that trip on Tuesday, the day before my meeting with her. I watched him on the iphone finder and it appeared he went to where he was supposed to go, from what he told me. But now I'm really wondering if this whole meeting thing was an attempt to make it appear she was in town, so I wouldn't suspect anything. I know people in affairs will meet on back roads, anything to get together. Hmmm. Opinions?

[This message edited by starmoonchild at 11:47 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

can you hire a PI?

It very well could be. If I could afford it, I'd hire a PI and do a background check on her

Hmmm, yeah. This is suspicious. Where was your WH going? Does he know you track him?

[This message edited by nekonamida at 1:41 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

So I am meeting her for lunch today, finally. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I'll be face to face with a possible OW. There are many little happenings concerning her in the past year and a half. What are my best questions to her so I get through to her that I NEED the truth? I am very nervous and worried I'll say the wrong thing and she'll storm out. She seems very sociable and friendly when she calls. But...when confronted, she may turn. Help!

Given your last thread, I'd ask her what her favorite lipstick colors are.

Edit: Ask her the last time she saw your WH too. See if she fesses up about the car/napkin situation.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 10:31 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]

I would be suspicious of her and carry a VAR in my pocket just to document the crazy if it happens. And hopefully you're meeting in a very public place, and someone knows where you will be during that time.

I have no idea what her motives are or how honest she will be with you. But one way to get people to open up is to be as relaxed and casual as you can muster. Let her think this ain't no big thing, that you have risen so far above it all it no longer matters.

What will you do if she admits to being the/a OW?

[This message edited by psychmom at 10:36 AM, June 26th (Wednesday)]