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Lorisa posted 5/20/2019 07:56 AM

Is this normal? having 2nd thoughts about staying. I was probably more on board to reconciling a year ago than I am now. I needed him to help me heal after D-day because I was so broken. In shock for the first 6 months. I see him differently at times, weak, selfish. He is not doing any work, he wants to "be present" and not talk about the past, he thinks this is what will heal us. This is not working for me. He went to IC one time and we have not done any MC. He states his job is too stressfull and to continue thinking/talking about the affair "it is too much for me, I can't do it". Husband is very defensive when I have triggers, states I keep bringing him back to "this awfulness on purpose to cause more suffering for payback". I don't believe this is what I'm doing, I'm just having difficulty getting over this. Why can't I just be "present" and move forward, it would be more sane than pain. Is it possible to just be "present" forgive and move forward? My husband has much to offer in our relationship, he enjoys all that I enjoy and provides a great deal to our home/family.

northeasternarea posted 5/20/2019 07:59 AM

Completely normal. Perhaps IC for you will help you figure out what is best for you.

Justsomeguy posted 5/20/2019 08:10 AM

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Where does his concern for you come in. So far, o see a lot of concern for himself but none for you. Sound like rugsweeping to me. Wiser people will give you better advice than I ever could, but you need to make you a priority.

The1stWife posted 5/20/2019 08:30 AM

If he won’t get counseling or discuss it how are you supposed to salvage the marriage? And what exact you are you saving?

He’s a “good time” guy. Only wants to deal with the good stuff and bury his head in the sand on the bad stuff. It just doesn’t work that way.

I suggest a good counselor for you. This way you have some support until you decide what you want to do.

I’m sorry your H doesn’t feel like he needs to make an effort for you or the marriage.

DevastatedDee posted 5/20/2019 09:57 AM

He states his job is too stressfull and to continue thinking/talking about the affair "it is too much for me, I can't do it".

Aww, the poor wittle boo boo. Did the feels hurted him?

Fuuuuuck that. YOU live with this in your head and laying on your heart all the time. He actually caused this, but it's just too hard for him to have to face his own actions and how they wrecked you.

It may even be true. He may be too weak to handle the aftermath of his own bullshit. That is why you can't respect him.

pinkpggy posted 5/20/2019 10:05 AM

What tangible things has he done to help you heal and to become a safe partner (aside from opening up electronics which seems to be the easiest option for all WS).

He doesn't get to decide to be "in the present" and how you heal.

pinkpggy posted 5/20/2019 10:05 AM

What tangible things has he done to help you heal and to become a safe partner (aside from opening up electronics which seems to be the easiest option for all WS).

He doesn't get to decide to be "in the present" and how you heal.

sisoon posted 5/20/2019 10:34 AM

I think one person can give emotional and physical support to another, but healing is an individual matter.

What you describe is a WS who simply won't do the work of healing himself. He is not working to R, and R takes 2. You can't R alone.

You can definitely heal without him. I think the 180 may be your best bet, maybe supplemented by sessions with a good IC. IMO, the best intro and description of the 180 is here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080 (SerJR's The Simplified 180).

You can't change your H, but you can change yourself. I think your 2nd thoughts are a growing realization that your H isn't and has no desire to become a good partner.

Brennan87 posted 5/20/2019 10:40 AM

I completely agree with Sisoon!

I'll add, it would NOT be normal if we still didn't question at 2 years out some times. I'm going into my 3rd year and there are a few times I have still questioned it.

cancuncrushed posted 5/20/2019 10:52 AM

It is not unusual to reconsider R or D...especially when there is no work being done... the two year mark is common..

However, no marriage is going to R successfully if zero work is done...it has to come from both sides...

IF your WH was diagnosed with cancer....would he say, hes too stressed to deal with it? he doesn't want to hear about it? doesn't want to help heal it? or would he jump feet first into saving himself? Think about that...I have no doubt he would all of a sudden find strength to fight for it....
Where is that strength for the marriage?

This is excuses...this is lazy...this is him wanting to not deal with his destruction....it is much more comfortable for him...and he prefers to get away with it...

It leaves your bitterness to grow...your pain underestimated, and left forgotten...you still don't matter....only his comfort and joy...

I would heal you....you see what he is...I lived this...I did what was recommended to heal me...I detached and started healing the shock and pain, alone...when it came time for a D...I was in a much less place of pain....still in a place of shock, as that behavior never ended...I had stopped caring about him, as a H...

Accepting was hard for me... I knew how intelligent WH was...I knew he could do so much better....I had lived it with him...I knew he understood...I could not see....he just didn't want to. He had every opportunity...every choice and option...yet he chose himself everytime. His immaturity grew.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:59 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

Striver posted 5/20/2019 10:56 AM

Sisoon, WS do not need to heal. They are not the injured party!

Maybe WS is fine with status quo. Their "healing" is done with little or no work. Who cares? They are not helping the BS, that is what matters.

EmbraceTheChange posted 5/20/2019 11:07 AM

I thought the same, on dday. But the way he treated me after day ... everybody has their limits. Plus he was not keen to change, to go from being a liar to being honest or even care for me. Turned out it was like this our entire relationship. Absolutely no respect. As long as he could get away with whatever, he did. He just thought the gravy train would carry on. Which I understand. He got away with so much and I still stayed. Well, I changed after dday and he didn't. He thought too much of himself. Now it's finished. We got divorced 2 years ago and in June/July I got back to France with my kids. Which was one of the reason I tried so much to make my relationship work so I wouldn't have to go back. But now, I can see it's the best option for me and the kids.

onlytime posted 5/20/2019 11:46 AM

Is it possible to just be "present" forgive and move forward? 

Of course it is. It's called rugsweeping.

The problem with that though, is that if nothing changes, well - nothing changes. You'll just keep getting more of the same.

I agree with sisoon - your WS doesn't seem to be doing the work to heal and transform himself, nor to become an empathic and compassionate partner for you as you work on healing yourself.

I second the 180 recommendation.

WhoTheBleep posted 5/20/2019 11:50 AM

Lorisa, I left my WH 2 years after DDay. Like you, first 6 months were horrific. I could barely get out of bed and I physically needed him there to care for our children and keep the household running.

At the 6-month mark, I agreed to attempt R with him as that was what he wanted. Well it was almost like a switch went off in his head, and once he knew he had me he could stop trying. And he did stop trying. He also began verbally and emotionally abusing me again. And it escalated to worse than before D-Day. I hit my breaking point 2 years post D day. A switch went off in my own head that I could not ignore. I was simply done. There was no doubt in my mind I was done. It was like 1,000
lb weight lifted off my back. I didn't have to try anymore alone. I could enforce my boundaries and walk away. It was the most powerful thing I've ever done in my life. My healing went into overdrive immediately.

Your WH does not sound remorseful. His idea of being " present " is actually what we refer to as rug sweeping here on SI. He wants to rug sweep. How dare you not rug sweep!!

You will not heal in this marriage as it is right now. Something needs to change. And since your WH is not changing, you must.

So what will you do? You have the power here. You have all of the power you need to make this pain stop.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:51 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/20/2019 12:23 PM

It's not surprising you are reconsidering. Your CH is not remorseful. He wants you to rugsweep. He doesn't care about your wellbeing. He only cares about himself. You can't R with someone like that.