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Why do waywards object to certain terms?

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Hardroadout posted 5/14/2019 09:01 AM

Like girlfriend/boyfriend? Or simply "friend." Why don't they like these terms?

"Affair partner" isn't any better.

I have been known to use some expletives, so whore and slut are not out of my vocab. WS doesn't like these terms either.

I have a wide vocabulary. I have many names for them. WS doesn't like any. Does the brutal truth sting too much?

His preferred terms are very generic. Them, those people, those women, etc.

What are we supposed to call the AP? I refuse to dignify them with names.

xhz700 posted 5/14/2019 09:14 AM

Who cares why they object.

It's probably being confronted with their shitty behaviors that's the issue. Tough shit?

I hereby give you blessing to use whatever language, foul or otherwise, that you see fit. Go forth, Hardroadout, and preach.

WornDown posted 5/14/2019 09:16 AM

Honestly - he doesn't get a vote in what you call them.

He doesn't like the terms/names? Tough shit.

Chaos posted 5/14/2019 09:19 AM

The harsher the term you use [and that is your call] the harsher the reality they have to face.

Downplaying it lets them save face with themselves.

Think of a teen who wrecked the family car "its just a little scratch"

Or a child who spilled a gallon of paint "its just a few drops"

The guilty tell themselves ANYTHING so they don't have to face the reality of how bad it really is.

PS - props to WornDown for the Count meme

Adaira posted 5/14/2019 09:22 AM

Because it makes them feel bad about themselves. And they’re immature babies who can’t handle that.

hikingout posted 5/14/2019 09:23 AM

I think it depends on where you are in your timeline and journey.

The only one I don't really like would be if the AP was called my boyfriend because affairs are the bastardization of any type of "relationship". An affair isn't love or a relationship to me. An affair is a situation where people manifest those things from fantasy. There are exceptions to that, but your run of the mill affair.

But I have gotten to where any disdain that gets expressed in language does not effect me, because I understand why and where that comes from. I did it, those are the consequences - people aren't going to respect it and they are going to have strong feelings about it. Especially around here. And, I don't respect it either, so....

Lalagirl posted 5/14/2019 09:24 AM

He doesn't like the terms/names? Tough shit.

Drop that mic, WornDown!

WS doesn't like these terms

Hardroadout, you didn't like that he strayed from the M; therefore,

I hereby give you blessing to use whatever language, foul or otherwise, that you see fit. Go forth, Hardroadout, and preach.

I second that blessing.

crazyblindsided posted 5/14/2019 11:19 AM

Waywards can object all they want to they do not get to decide what the BS wants to call the AP. Tough sh*t.

Brennan87 posted 5/14/2019 11:30 AM

Just another consequence of their actions, that is all!

I don't like either of us using the APs name. It personalizes him too much for me. Shows affection to me if she does.

She doesn't like "boyfriend" or "lover".

Thus, because he looks like the cartoon, I settled on "Droopy Dog". Very fitting I think.

emergent8 posted 5/14/2019 11:40 AM

I used to call my husband's AP his "whore girlfriend" *particularly* because it made him wince.

He now calls her "that ho,[her name]".

Zugzwang posted 5/14/2019 11:44 AM

What Adaira said. Waywards already have low self esteem. Did cruel horrible things to get that boosted. The last thing they want is to be called names to bring it down when they are already feeling down. Especially if it contradicts the so-called "I am a good person that made a mistake" bullshit thing. New waywards do not want to look into the ugliness or lose what they built in a destructive way. They are either too immature or fragile or really both.

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/14/2019 11:49 AM

I used to call the MOW "whore". I have no idea how my H felt about it. He never expressed anything about what to call her.

I used to be like you. I refused to use her name. Seemed to nice, respectful, something. After a while, I started thinking about the terms whore, slut, etc. They are all very misogynistic. I don't want to use those terms, so I stopped. I use her name now, but it doesn't bother me. I'd probably also call her an asshole, very gender neutral. My H doesn't talk about her.

numb&dumb posted 5/14/2019 11:49 AM

I think a lot of the time calling the AP by certain names breaks the compartmentalization that is part and parcel of many As.

If it were me It would bother me too. It is attempt to semantically not take full responsibility, which is not the same as owning your shit. Nobody likes to admit to things they did that they know were wrong, but I think it is important to get the ugly truth out there. Once out there and agreed you can begin to move on. You can forgive and ugly truth a lot better than one where you spend half of your energy debating which names are allowable. Sorry it just seems like an attempt to dodge some of the responsibility for their choices.

Avoiding things doesn't work and is something your WH needs to work on. If he can admit to himself how terrible this was what chances does he have to address whatever led him to make this choice ?

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/14/2019 11:50 AM

The harsher the term you use [and that is your call] the harsher the reality they have to face.

This hasn't been my experience. He seems to despise if I refer to her as his "work girlfriend" but any other name I may use that is more derogatory he doesn't seem to care (I refuse to use slut or whore or whatever as that's just stupid and childish IMO - he wasn't paying her so whore doesn't apply and for all I know she's had sex with far fewer people than me - and I think slut is demeaning to women in general so I refuse to use it). Interestingly, the word he bristles at the most is when I use her actual name.

I prefer Mrs. Morally Bankrupt as it seems completely applicable.

fatheroftwo posted 5/14/2019 11:53 AM

My WW does not like me to use many terms. These are words that have provoked responses from my WW that suggested to me, "Hey! You're being too harsh. I don't like what you are saying!"

"It didn't take much for you..."
"You had sex at the first opportunity..."
"you spread your legs."
"you sucked..."
"you F'ed"
"you frolicked"
"you behaved sluttish"
"you are a liar"
"you are selfish"

I saw some text messages where he asked her if he could "lick her all over" and "come back for some more." She didn't have a problem with that. She replied, "You can have all you want."

It's difficult, especially in times of tension, to know what to say. My WW also calls the affair "that" or "it." Now, as to why these words sting? My WW was sexually abused in her youth. She also can't handle the shame of what she has done, now that she is the abuser to me, albeit in a different way. If I say any of those kinds of words, she has told me that it reminds her of how she felt when she was in her youth.

So my takeaway from this is that not only are we BS's unfairly treated during the affair, the unfair treatment persists in the aftermath, if you choose to reconcile, as I have. I certainly feel I am judged on a different level than my wife judges herself. When I use language she deems uncomfortable, I think my wife categorizes me in the same box as the people who victimized her sexually. Something I would never do to anyone. I think in the case of my WW, she has trouble openly admitting to who she was in the affair: a mother and wife who was taking every opportunity available to selfishly leave the marital home and get her ego stroked and for/in exchange for sex. It's disgusting to me, but I can't call it that. It's totally unfair.

At the end of the day, once something has been said, move on. I think if I were to continue to use those words after my wife has allowed me to know why they trigger her, I would be being hurtful. Still, what's the script for anger in the face of infidelity? Can these impulses truly be controlled at all times?

Where's the silver lining in all this? I remind myself that I still have my dignity. I remind myself that I don't want to be a person who berates or is derogatory to anyone, especially someone I am choosing to spend my life with. I am a pretty good dude if I can do that. Especially in the face of what she has done to me.

OptionedOut posted 5/14/2019 12:26 PM

Because:

1) they are protecting the image of the AP. They chose them after all. Decided to toss their marriage and partner aside for... what?

They didn't care what we thought. Don't care what they think WE think of their fuckbuddy, twat waffle, fugly, dipshit, toad, c***, whore, cabana sausage, skankella, fuckwit.

Marriage consists of 2 people, but apparently, a wayward and the AP lack math skills.

WH don't like it when we say something not nice about the AP? OMG! Someone call Sherwin Williams! He must be so proud SW is making a new paint color in honor of Schmoopie: Whore Red. It's cheap and spreads easily. They don't like it when we tell them if AP's vagina were a hanger, it'd be O'Hare.

WW doesn't like it when we call their AP a sad sausage, asswipe, fucktard, Wife Weasel, Boyzilla, Tosser, skank boy, fucknuts, Prince Prickhead, cum muffin. So, too bad you guys found out about his highness: Douche von Wanker, king of Assnard.

They may not like the words. WE didn't like them ordering off the penis trolley or the pussy buffet.

They don't like derogatory words, we don't like being potentially exposed to STD and having to be tested.

It's names. Too bad they can't take a little AP name-calling as easily as they took dick/pussy while degrading and devaluing us.

[This message edited by OptionedOut at 12:31 PM, May 14th (Tuesday)]

deephurt posted 5/14/2019 12:52 PM

I have had many names. Whore is the most used, it, is second. I have said the c word when referring to it.
I will and do refer to it as anything I feel like. If he doesn’t like it? To damn bad. He should have considered all of the outcome, including the change in my vocabulary when he made thousands of choices to cheat.

He recently referred to it as “that her name person”

crazyblindsided posted 5/14/2019 13:09 PM

Too bad they can't take a little AP name-calling as easily as they took dick/pussy while degrading and devaluing us.

Bwahahahaha this X1000

OptionedOut posted 5/14/2019 13:19 PM

Yeah, they can cry us a river and float downstream on the douche canoe.

Brennan87 posted 5/14/2019 14:00 PM

Optionedout,

I am rolling over here! One of the best responses I’ve seen in a long time!

Sherwin williams “whore red”!

Love it!

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