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OptionedOut posted 5/9/2019 15:12 PM

Having one of those days where I look back and see the verbal abuse.

To this day, he calls it joking. That he jokes with those closest to him. I say it's contempt.

1. He'd call me Grace. "Watch your step, Grace! We know how you are!" And he'd say this a lot. In front of people or just us. I'd ask why and he'd say "Didn't you keep falling down the hill in the yard?" I'd say, "Nope. Never did." And he'd just insist I had the grace of hippo. Um, I don't.

2. While out eating, he'd ask the waitress for extra napkins because I was so sloppy. He'd bring extra napkins to the table and tell me "Here, Slop-a-deed-us!" Fact: he spills more food and drink on himself than I ever have.

3. He picked on the dogs. "Move! Stupid!" And he'd let other people call them stupid, too. When I complained, he said I was overreacting.

When alone and in front of others, he'd say, "The only good dog is a stuffed/fake/plastic/porcelain dog!" Or when people remarked how well trained and behaved they were (I did all the dog training), he'd say, "You want 'em? They're yours! Cheap! $5! I'll even pay YOU!"

Countless times, I told him this hurt me and to stop. He'd get mad, tell me I couldn't take a joke, was too sensitive, and was overreacting.

4. He'd snatch jars from me when I couldn't open them and say, "Gimme that! You look like a monkey fucking a football!" He'd later pass this off as he was just in a bad mood that day, and it was just a joke - that someone told him that while he was in the Navy.

5. Here's a BIG one. He still rolls his eyes and insists I'm deadwrong on this one.

In the fall, I'd raked up tons of acorns in the yard because they hurt my feet and the dogs' feet, too. I put them in a wheelbarrow. It rained. A lot. Months go by. I've had major surgery. He drags me outside and bends down next to the wheelbarrow, pulls out a drowned squirrel and says to me, one of the world's biggest animal lovers, "You are a horrible, horrible person." He repeated that once more before I turned and fled inside.

Thoughts? He swears they were all jokes. He says he sees NOW they were in bad taste, but he never meant to hurt me when he said them.

I say it's contempt and he's lying. He knows he did it intentionally and knew those remarks were hurtful, especially after being told to stop.

DragnHeart posted 5/9/2019 15:19 PM

Sounds like my WH. Always with jokes that cut to the bone. Geez just hit me, it will hurt less.

I think it's more abuse than contempt.

BetrayedPR77 posted 5/9/2019 16:15 PM

Those aren't jokes. Those are abuse in their full power.

I can't stomach hearing somebody using those phrases directed to anyone. Even reading them make me sick.

Coreofsteel posted 5/9/2019 16:28 PM

That's abuse. You deserve to be treated with respect.

Cooley2here posted 5/9/2019 16:36 PM

Here’s what you do when out with other people. Go to the restroom, sneak out through the kitchen, go to the car, turn off your phone, drive home, put the car away, get a little snack, brush your teeth and go to bed.
When he starts that s*** at home leave the room EVERY SINGLE TIME.
It works.

It is very hard for him to show contempt if you are not there. Just leave. You never defend yourself. Just leave.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:43 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 5/9/2019 18:55 PM

That's what my WS does I think it's a Narcissistic attribute.

Master Grey Rock and just look at him and walk away. Works wonders!

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:55 PM, May 9th (Thursday)]

xswimmer posted 5/9/2019 18:58 PM

My exWH did that all the time to me. And to his kids. It was sad when he did it to his kids. His response was always “I was just joking.”

OwningItNow posted 5/9/2019 19:05 PM

Narcissists talk like this all of the time because they do not actually like or respect anyone. This is their way of getting their anger out (although narcissists feel an endless amount of anger toward anyone and everyone, so it's never 'Out'). I do not know of any non-personality disordered people who treat other human beings with such contempt and disrespect.

barcher144 posted 5/9/2019 19:13 PM

My GF sent me a link this week about gaslighting and narcissistic abuse. "Jokes" are a common technique.

Hg65 posted 5/9/2019 19:28 PM

Fuck that shit....

Abuse!

Thissucks5678 posted 5/9/2019 19:57 PM

My ex is like this. His jokes are always mean spirited. No one laughs unless it’s an uncomfortable laugh. The smartest thing I ever did in my life was get away from him.

Justsomeguy posted 5/9/2019 20:01 PM

No dirspect, but that sounds pretty dickish. Not really very funny.

nekonamida posted 5/9/2019 20:02 PM

It is abuse. What I've learned from reading John Gottman on abusive people is that they minimize the abuse. He probably does think he's just joking and you're overreacting. He may not even remember some of these awful things he said because to him it's just the usual banter to tear you down. He's also never going to stop as long as he thinks this.

BearlyBreathing posted 5/9/2019 21:15 PM

Yeah he’s just an ass.

Adaira posted 5/9/2019 21:29 PM

My exWH liked to joke like that. And tell me I was overreacting. I could never figure out what was wrong with me that I felt so shitty after one of his jokes (the gaslighting clearly did its job). It took a therapist to help me see that I was being abused.

allusions posted 5/10/2019 12:53 PM

I don't understand how some people can be like this. It really angers me that people hide behind an excuse of "I was only joking" when it obviously causes pain to someone. How is hurting someone a joke?

We seem to hear a lot on SI of waywards excusing things as a joke. Like condoms being hidden in car glove boxes, briefcases, gym bags, etc are always put there by someone else as "a joke". Nude photos on their cell phone? Someone at work borrowed their phone and put it on there as "a joke". Questionable emails or being signed up on dating websites are always because someone was "playing a joke" on them. They are obvious lies and it makes me furious when I read about how lightly they play off the seriousness of their infidelity as jokes.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/10/2019 13:12 PM

First I'm so sorry he treats you and your beloved dogs this way. You and they deserve better.

It is a pet peeve of mine when someone delivers a hurtful comment and when received with a response of hurt or anger they wave it off claiming they were only joking.

That's the cowards way out. It's dismissive and disrespectful. One of the things I was taught growing up was to think before you speak. Unfortunately in this day and age when people have awfully big mouths behind a keyboard it transfers to everyday life.

Hugs to you and try throwing some "jokes" back at him. I doubt he'll like it much. Then just shrug it off and say you were only joking and walk away.

[This message edited by MalibuBayBreeze at 1:27 PM, May 10th (Friday)]

Booyah posted 5/10/2019 15:03 PM

Your H sounds like a real PRICK!!!!

Does he pop off like that to men that are bigger than him? More than likely not because he'd get the shit beat out of him.

OptionedOut posted 5/10/2019 15:10 PM

Thanks, guys. I am under ZERO delusion that these were anything other than cruel snipes - abuse.

I do deserve better. Anyone would.

And yet, how is it that these people can still swear they love someone, that they've always kidded like that and therefore, didn't know it was abuse?

I asked WH if he did this to his mother or his narcissistic friend, or even OW. The answer? No.

Why not? I asked.

His answer? Because they weren't that 'close' to him. That he did it to me because I was the 'closest' (whatever that really means) and that he was simply taking out his frustrations on me and shouldn't have.

Huh. So which is it? He always did it and didn't know (indicating he'd done this to others) or that it was 'frustration?'

So I asked that, too. His response? No one was as close as I was (despite his narc bff who'd known him much longer, his sisters, his mom, other friends/girlfriends). That he occasionally did this to one sister because she irritated him, but I got the worst because of time/proximity.

He claims to be immensely sorry for any pain he caused me, but still swears it was not intentional and that he didn't see he was hurting me. Still swears that the person he was then thought I was oversensitive and couldn't take a joke. Nothing more. And that he'll never do it again. He swears this is the truth and that he is trying with all his heart to reconcile.

He doesn't get why I'm not buying it, except that he says, "I know I've lied so many times... but I'm not anymore."

Seems I've heard that line before.

Bobbi_sue posted 5/10/2019 22:43 PM

My XH was like that and I hate to admit it but my DS is the same way.

Always a "funny" comment to put somebody down. And there was always something wrong (according to my XH and DS) with the person who didn't find it funny.

For example, my XH used to point to women and say "I'd like to F___ her. That was supposed to be a joke and I was supposed to laugh, I guess.

He would call me "Tub" on a regular basis and I guess that was also supposed to be funny.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:17 PM, May 11th (Saturday)]